Asking Out a Girl Studying with You?

[adder]

Hey, I need some advice.

I've started studying IT. It's an ongoing year so I've got the 1st semester to pass. Mostly there are younger people than me (I'm 22) straight after secondary school. Anyway, later more people entered this year. And I've met a girl. She seems to be around my age or a little bit older. I have a big problem with socializing, especially now as I'm tapering off clonazepam. I definitely communicate better with older people. She's from a village near a small town 50km from my city. She seems very ambitious, she also studies another subject at the same university but on weekends, she also takes a course in computer graphics.

Well, I've been alone for quite a long time and it's extremely painful for me (I could be wealthy, live in luxury, have a house and a good car but if I'm alone it all wouldn't make me happy at all, I'd rather live on the street if I shared my life with another person then) It's fair to say that I like that girl and I'm attracted to her. I had a chance to talk to her one on one twice (being an introverted person I'm good at observing and listening). I guess, she noticed I'm not selfish but rather shy socially. Well, it changes in smaller groups, I simply don't like immature behaviour so I might be getting into the group really slow. I've been wondering how I should 'play' this. I don't want to drive her away so I'd give it some time before asking her if she has some spare time and she'd like to go somewhere with me.

However, I'm wondering if I haven't driven her away already. I told her I had been in England and that I plan going back there after I finish these studies. She answered she also thought about leaving the country but she mentioned that she's ashamed to speak English although she had a B grade. I know there's nothing to look for in Poland and holding an IT diploma, leaving for the UK is the best thing I can do having finished the subject. However, I think a lot of girls would be very hesitant about going to the UK not feeling comfortable with their English accent. This is very stupid because I've seen people from so many places (Pakistani, Turkish, Kurds, Hindi, Spanish, Jews to name just a few nationalities) speaking far far from RP or London's accent and not caring about it at all. Some people don't realize English have become international long time ago in so many fields of life and accent plays a secondary role. I can imitate (better or worse) rhotic and non-rhotic General American and Scottish/Northern Irish English so Londoners don't realize right away I'm Polish but does it really matter? As I talked with one guy, a Londoner, he said he only thinks about the accent the first time he meets a person and then he totally doesn't pay attention as it's more important for him if a person is nice and friendly than if he/she speaks English perfectly.

How would you ask out a girl who studies with you? Or how would you feel it'd be OK from a guy studying with you to ask you out? Is it culturally "forbidden" to ask out a girl from the same class etc. in lower education schools and higher education schools? Because here in Poland there's a strange trend not to date a person from the same class in secondary schools, I don't really know about universities.

 

[Vader]

I would say that you should just tell her that you enjoy her company and ask her if she'd like to go for a drink sometime. However, if there's some Polish cultural norm that means that you don't approach people in an educational environment, then as an Englishman I'm not really too well placed to give you advice on that. Still, it seems that there would be nothing out of the ordinary in suggesting that you spend some time together socially, there doesn't need to be an overt romantic suggestion. It sounds like you're really overthinking this, just take it as it comes and see where you go. When an opportune moment presents itself, just ask if she wants to do something.

As for the whole English accent thing, I hardly know where to begin. Both you and her will have a vastly superior command of English than almost any Brit would have of Polish. I can tell from your post that you have a superior command of English to many British people. You don't need to put on an accent, you are a Pole and that is nothing to be ashamed of. If you are in London, then you are in one of the world's great melting pots and should be even less worried. The whole thing seems faintly ridiculous to me, to be honest, and you should try to explain to her that a Polish accent is a non-issue.

 

[llama112]

Why not just ask her to hang out after class?
There is nothing wrong with asking her out.
Don't overthink, just ask!!

 

[axl blaze]

since this is a class situation, I wouldn't go straight to the bar, I think first setting your sights on a cup of coffee is more apt here...

 

[adder]

Thanks for all replies!

Well, I don't really know about cultural norms either. This is something young people came up with and it wasn't present like 20 years ago. I totally disagree with this. Let's say I'm in class A, then it always seemed ridiculous to me that I could ask out a girl from class B or C but I've got a 99% chance of being turned down by any girl from class A.

I agree, I might be overthinking this, especially given the fact we don't really know each other. The situation is just like I wrote - I like her meaning I like being around her, talking to her, and it doesn't make me feel tense, and in addition she attracts me. I certainly don't want to drink her under the table , I just want to spend more time with her to see where this could go. The outcome might be we'd a complete mismatch.

I'd planned to go back to the UK before I even started studying another subject. Sure, there are some circumstances that could stop me from leaving Poland. However, I think any ambitious girl is aware of the poor situation in the country and that with the abilities one gains graduating in IT, she will be underpaid at any job in Poland, if she ever finds a full-time contract job, and the UK job market still isn't full. My cousin is now in the UK with his girlfriend, she graduated in English studies so she speaks English very well, she found a good job but he doesn't speak English and although he's a postgraduate too, this blocks him from finding a good job. Even I was in a better situation speaking the language as I could work in a place totally unrelated to my current education, all because I could communicate with people.

I have this in mind and I know that it's always harder for a girl to find a job when she doesn't speak English because she can't work physically. I guess I shouldn't think so much about this now and if the situation I'm afraid of happened, then I would ponder the problem and consider the right solution with a girl I would be with.

Right now my only problem is I'm alone and everything is in a conditional mood...

 

[Lysis]

Awww, adder (like the name btw welcome to really having an attraction to someone and just having a hard time talking to that person. Happens to the best of us.

The only thing I would warn you about (just coming from your posts) is not to smother her. You sound like a sweetheart, and girls would be lucky to befriend and possibly build a relationship with a guy who is so intelligent.

Start off with simple conversation to try to get over that initial "OMG I really like this person! What do I sayy???" lol Once you talk more, then you might feel less apprehensive to ask her out, and since you guys have already built up a bit of a rapport, it'll be easier to have a nice date on a friendly level. Even if a relationship doesn't work out, it's nice to have an intelligent, ambitious person of the opposite sex in your life. You never know what might happen, ya know?

 

[alasdairm]

How would you ask out a girl who studies with you?

"hey, i love spending time with you. would you like to go out with me on saturday" (or whatever). i agree with llama and others - you're hugely overthinking this.

Or how would you feel it'd be OK from a guy studying with you to ask you out?

i don't see a problem there.

Is it culturally "forbidden" to ask out a girl from the same class etc. in lower education schools and higher education schools?

even if it is 'culturally forbidden', you like her. do it anyway.

alasdair

 

[Lysis]

Yeah, adder, it's not forbidden. In college? Naaaaah. Whoever is telling you that is messing with you. Besides, next semester you guys have a good chance not to be in the same classes, so don't even sweat that stuff.

 

[Cyc]

One thing I used to do which I think might have hurt me, was that I always tried to ask someone out in the most non-threatening terms that were extremely easy to back out of. Meaning, I might ask someone to study but I would invite other people to make it social, or I would qualify it with, "I totally understand if you're busy that night" as a way of making it sound super casual.

I think maybe if I were to ask someone out today, I'd make it a little bit more deliberate. Instead of basically trying to ease someone into a kinda-sorta date situation, I'd simply say, "Hey, let's catch a movie" and if she's not interested, I could just move on.

This, as opposed to worrying about whether you'll ruin a possible future friendship. I think maybe you can't have it both ways and women don't respect guys sexually who settle for friendship when they are really looking for more.

I always thought that being raised by a strong, single mother really fucked me over when it came to dating. I've always been more deferential to women (preferring female bosses for example) and never was able to master the almost natural condescension that drives lesbians nuts, but seem to make every other woman marvel at how confident some men are.

 

[adder]

Actually, we're in different groups mostly not counting lectures for all students from the year and a few subjects. Anyway, I wouldn't care even if I wanted to ask out a girl who I would see during every class every day. This seems a teenage rule to me which I didn't really follow in my secondary school trying to ask out a girl from my class.

(...)
The only thing I would warn you about (just coming from your posts) is not to smother her. You sound like a sweetheart, and girls would be lucky to befriend and possibly build a relationship with a guy who is so intelligent.

Start off with simple conversation to try to get over that initial "OMG I really like this person! What do I sayy???" lol Once you talk more, then you might feel less apprehensive to ask her out, and since you guys have already built up a bit of a rapport, it'll be easier to have a nice date on a friendly level. Even if a relationship doesn't work out, it's nice to have an intelligent, ambitious person of the opposite sex in your life. You never know what might happen, ya know?

You hit the nail of the head. I'm a kind of person who needs a lot of closeness and how much I show my feelings might probably even scare off a lot of girls if I did it right off. But I'm aware of it very well and I learned from life what I may do, what may be too much, and better saved for later. I also learned not to be possessive and too jealous (when there are no real reasons of course) because it ruins any relationship, I know everyone needs some space.

I certainly don't think of it like "it must end as a relationship or I don't talk to her any more". Like I wrote, we don't know each other that much, there's surely a lot more needed to say "I've fallen in love". For instance today I've met a girl on a bus stop who explained why two lines going in different directions leave from the same stop. I so wanted to talk to her but I felt some kind of blockade and a moment later she got on a bus. I don't know how an acquaintance I made will end and I don't insist on anything, that'd be unnatural. Also, there's something strange about making acquaintances for me.

When I thought how I screwed up a chance (well, it was basically 25% - if a girl is free, it's 50%, then it's again 50-50 depending on whether she likes you or not, suma sumarum 25%, positive outcome is a lot more possible than when you gamble), I noticed I knew what I would say in English but it somehow sounded strange in Polish for me. I guess it's a matter of what language is your mother tongue or I saw how relaxed and unwound people in London are. I don't know which one it is but take care of anything was easier for me in London, e.g. in banks, offices etc.

To cut the long story short, I just need love. I've been alone for long enough (and all my past relationships ended mostly bad) that this need grew so much that I feel terribly depressed and demotivated being alone. Being a very sensitive person doesn't help for sure. I know I can offer the right girl all my love, devotion, and help in any situation. It's just the way I am. When I love someone, I burst with the need of being needed and surrounding the other person with all I can give. And this brings me to another quote:

I always thought that being raised by a strong, single mother really fucked me over when it came to dating. I've always been more deferential to women (preferring female bosses for example) and never was able to master the almost natural condescension that drives lesbians nuts, but seem to make every other woman marvel at how confident some men are.

I was mostly raised by a very loving mother who taught me how to treat people so I don't hurt them. This also had a great impact on how I treat women and how I approach women-men relations. There's definitely some lack of some kind of inner strength and handling various things with less emotions in me, well, generally the part any boy should learn from a father during adolescence.

 

[TheLostBoys]

I would make a move while studying with her.........just lean over & give her a kiss but if you're nervous about doing that, just tell her shes looking beautiful today & see how she reacts. I always play it by ear.

 

[Lysis]

Adder, you are obviously a thinker, and that is such a refreshing positive thing for a guy. :D Don't overthink this stuff too much. We girls are suckers for a gentleman, and love and relationships are one of those things that can't be solved with a good math formula.

I like the idea of telling her she looks beautiful. Compliment her. She would have to be a complete idiot not to know where you're going with that, and she will either stop you and mention a boyfriend to stop it from going further or she will know what's coming and react positively.

 

[adder]

Well, it seems there's no reason to go on with this. She has a boyfriend.

It happens that we may take the same bus. And so it's happened today that the bus that is good for both of us arrived. She said she had to pay in some money and she's a bit afraid of going with this money alone (I thought she was wealthy or something at first, then I realized this is her first year living in a big city and she hasn't soaked in the city yet and that's all). I offered that I can go with her if she wants to because I've got totally nothing to do until 5 PM. We visited a bank, we went to the university campus where I studied (she wanted to make a copy of a textbook cheap). We had to wait 30 minutes so we went to a pub. Then she dragged me to a chemist's and she was so surprised that I don't seem bored and guys are normally bored and complain when girls want them to go to a shop or something just like her boyfriend (we got to the boyfriend thing much earlier, in the bus).

Well, she's 20. And she seems to be immature concerning relationships. I mean, I guess she wouldn't be ready or it's just that her boyfriend can't take their relationship to such a level but she would definitely be shocked to what level of intimacy I take relationship with a woman I love. She also mentioned that she's attracted to another guy she briefly "dated" before the present guy. It seems she doesn't want to hurt him but generally there are so many things showing they don't fit together if there was a way out of this not harming the guy at all, she'd probably go for it. But then again she mentions how she cares about him... Well, we got to the point of marriage etc. and I had a bus. My impression was growing up in a small town/village caused her to look at many things the way she looks. E.g. I can accept a relationship with deep involvement without marriage, she doesn't accept a relationship with the person who she'd think is the one without marriage. This is how people in Poland in small towns think about this stuff, well there's more but I don't want to bore you.

Her "relationship" doesn't differ much from going out with someone in school, it's like holding hands and kissing. If she ever was interested in me and we ever were together, she'd either be frighten off by my love or she'd think "how could I live not knowing you can be so close to another person?".

 

[Cyc]

Well, she's 20. And she seems to be immature concerning relationships. I mean, I guess she wouldn't be ready or it's just that her boyfriend can't take their relationship to such a level but she would definitely be shocked to what level of intimacy I take relationship with a woman I love.

When I was 28, I started university at a very 'rich' school. After meeting several 18-2x girls over the past three years, it took me a while to get over how immature some girls can be in the college setting. Coming from someone like myself, who started having sex at 16 and was intimate with many girls even before that, it was initially strange to see girls as old as their early 20s who clearly had absolutely no relationship or sexual experience.

After a while, I came to realize that they just had very strict upbringing and a home life that required most of their free time spent with family or doing structured activities. It's just an entirely different upbringing, and because we get a lot of international students from east, west and south asia, this sort of prolonged adolescence is even more pronounced. Not to sound too condescending here, but sometimes it feels like I'm talking to a 14-year-old and I have to remind myself that for all intents and purposes, these people are actually my peers. They can drink, gamble, vote, fuck and smoke just like I can. The only difference is that aside from voting, they do none of those other things.

 

[adder]

I don't think drinking, gambling, having sex, and smoking are signs of being mature. I may and can do all of these things but I don't like alcohol generally, there are a few drinks I like, none is with vodka, I don't like the taste of beer (excluding stouts and good porters), gambling involves risk of losing a lot of money and I don't even have enough to enter some prestigious casino (although I like playing Texas Holdem Poker variation for example and I do play online, just not betting real money), having sex is present among younger and younger people who are less and less mature and less and less ready for their first time (which ends up with at least one part disappointed, sometimes discouraged from sex activity for some time; having sex is the best when it is making love at the same time in my humble opinion), smoking anything containing psychoactive substances isn't good for health during adolescence and smoking tobacco, as I think this is what was meant because all other activities are legal too, is a nasty addiction, a deal you put a lot more than you get.

Well, in this case a huge impact has the fact where that girl grew up and where I grew up. This is weird as hell to me but it's a fact and I've seen it myself - in small villages and small towns where all people know one another, girls see how their mothers take care of houses etc. and their fathers treat marriage as a contract meaning "you're mine till death" which is obviously rubbish etc. Well these are just two examples but these places seem to stay where they were a few tens of years ago. And hello, we're in the 21st century. I could bet that this unawareness of possible intimacy between two people comes from the way of life in such places. This concerns both the partnership intimacy part and the sexual intimacy part, e.g. such girls may generally be much less open to talk about their personal problems to their beloved men (and their beloved men are much less interested in listening to this) and such girls may generally be much less prone to open during foreplay and sex like not letting their beloved men to go all the way down on their body (and their beloved men much less think about satisfying them, well, them girls might be shy though these men are in theory the closest ones to them, and these men might simply not want to do it as they just care about satisfying themselves completely not thinking about their women's pleasure, them girls might think missionary position is the furthest they can go and will ever go...). This is like living a life not entirely exploring it. It's fine when you don't want to but I guess if there's some doubt, it's not a matter of willingness, it's a matter of opening to the partner and the partner must be the right one.

Now on the other hand, my current university has a recruitment centre in western Ukraine (my city is the largest academic centre in eastern Poland so this is understandable as some universities offer really valuable diplomas). Ukrainians make over 25% of my year. People end secondary education there at the age of 16-18. I study with girls who are still underage de iure and they're really much more mature than Polish girls at the same age. Still, these girls come from cities, much smaller than where I live, but still, the way of life in a city is different than in a small town. I've got another possible explanation but this is sheer conjecture... A lot of you will probably not agree with this but I came to a conclusion (this is not the first time I meet Ukrainians and again I mean from cities) that "westernization" (I mean the way of life by this but by no means I'm stating that living in a capitalistic country inevitably makes a child mature later) make some parents chase carrier neglecting bringing up their children, country begins putting less emphasis on child-rearing at schools and so on... Eventually we end up in a situation like this and many children "raise" themselves.

Now getting back on topic, well, I will see how this evolves. I may as well meet someone else or maybe I have even met that person. Well, no guy spends like 4 hours with a girl helping her in things she could easily do by herself (unless they're just friends but how can you call someone a friend after a week?), my presence helped a bit as I know the city but otherwise she must have felt like spending this time with me either unknowingly or she let me be there intentionally. This should make her figure out what I mean... But she mentioned a boyfriend so I didn't say anything openly. I'm of the same opinion I told her during a quite open discussion about relationships "You can't be with someone when you don't love that person and you stay with him because you don't want to hurt him, this is trying to put someone's happiness over your happiness. But if I were that person, I wouldn't be happy knowing you're with me because you think breaking up with me would hurt me more than lying to me you still feel something to me." Well, actually we talked about her relationships (and attitude to women-men affairs), not much about me, I mostly just stated opinions. I didn't want to go deeper, nothing happy and nothing to be proud of, she seemed to need to tell someone what bothers her (but nobody does that to the first person met on the street, right?).

I know I can easily take advantage of a lot of people, I mean manipulation, but in a good way in such situations when you just use it to help someone do only what that person wants to do and when I'm sure it won't make feel bad that person. A lot of my female friends liked to open in front of me in the past and talk about their private problems and that was gradual and smooth. I know how much you can be hurt this way by someone when you say too much, putting too much faith in someone. And thus I never use in any way what I hear from some people.

The only time I must admit I used manipulation in a bad way was when I abused strong opioid and benzodiazepine drugs. I got really addicted to opioids and benzodiazepines before my mum realized it was so serious. And I swear it wasn't her fault, it was me luring her all that time. I told her about that eventually, I mean directly "I manipulated you". She has forgotten me and has been helping me to get out of this.

 

[Dizmal]

tldra;

So you wanna put the "stud" in study?

whynot try a good ole fashioned study session, kama sutra maybe

But seriously just relax and be the dominant, take what you want, do as you please, get what you want and need male you were born to be ^^

 

[adder]

So you wanna put the "stud" in study?

Actually no. What I want is to find a normal girl who prefers a guy who would deeply love her to a guy who would be just an asshole, a girl who is ready for such "mad" love rather than is immature and isn't ready for anything but sex coming only from physical attraction and nothing else.

I don't care if I meet her at this bloody university or a bus stop on the suburbs. I don't care if I meet her in my city or on the corner of some streets in e.g. Tottenham. I guess this is pretty much understandable and not too long.

Sorry, no offence, I just feel like I'm losing it hence the mood of the post. I know there are many places you can meet girls, the problem is you don't really go to such places alone and there's not a single person in my life who could help me in a simple way like going to a club or whatever event so I don't look stupid entering alone and so I don't stand by the wall having nobody to talk to before I go looking for my love...

ADDED:
One more thing. Just don't tell me to register on some e-dating site. My mum tells me to do it (yes, my mum, she's fed up of me being mad all the time swearing and getting angry because of any stupid thing happening like some door closing when I opened it and wanted it to stay opened). I don't want to meet online some beautiful girl with similar attitude to life and other things to mine and then meet her just to find out that our "chemistries" don't work with each other.

Maybe I'm totally old-fashioned that way but I like seeing every reaction of a person to what I say, to what I do etc. Whether she blushes, whether she smiles, whether she does whatever. You can't substitute this with emoticons or in some other way via internet.

 

[Dizmal]

Adder, In a perfect world, girls would just like guys for being "themselves", girls would respond to nice gestures and being emotional and needy with open arms. But alas this is not a perfect world, and even the concept of one is a infintely subjective matter. Some guys are born natruals with women, other guys learn the skills for themselves through experience, then there are those who sit back hoping there dream girl will come there way and like them for exactly who they are and everything will be splendid!

You have to work on transforming yourself into desirable man if you want to succeed, and it's the brutal reality man. For some it's not really a issue, but for others it seems almost impossible. You see logic plays no part in attraction, attraction isn't a choice, it's a chemical process that has been developed over 1000's of years of evolution, it's hardwired into the very core of both males and females brains. The reason asswholes get girls is because they display dominant, attractive, high status qualities. If you ask a women what she sees in a guy she will allways tell you something like "cause hes cute, funny, smart" ect.. but the reality is they don't even know what is attracting them, because it is all happening behind the scenes in the subconcious part of the brain. Attraction is a counter-intuitive process.

The internet is a great place to meet people, and using skype, msn chat forums ect is a good place to practise talking, flirting and creating attraction. Then you can apply what you learn to real life.

I'm gunna give you the best advice in the world, READ EVERYSINGLE NEWSLETTER HERE. Don't pay for any of the programs ect.. just read the free info that is readily available. Just subscribing to this news letter years ago has given me the best understanding a man could ever ask for. I would even read them multiple times if you really need, it's all there.

After finally starting to "Get It" you will be able to test things out for yourself in the real world, and find that it's alot easier then you could comprehend right now, maybe you just wern't born with these intuitions but soon enough it will become part of your personality, and you will be a natrual with women, but you have to be willing to learn, you have to be willing to experiment, and most importantly you have to be willing to have fun!

Edit: Sorry if I came off condescending I'm just trying to put it very simply, the news letters explains it in even more layman's terms, but I assure you it has everything you need to know.

 

[Cyc]

I agree with your assessment Dizmal, but I think that sites like that often neglect to mention that contriving your personality is painfully lame and painfully obvious to all but the dimmest of light bulbs.

Remember, the difference between a regular horny guy and an odious creep is one determined by women - and the quickest way to the creep zone is to try to fake your personality. Vin Diesel wasn't not winning Oscars because women didn't like him. He's not winning Oscars because he's a shitty actor. Human interaction is not a paint-by-numbers game.

 

[Dizmal]

I agree with your assessment Dizmal, but I think that sites like that often neglect to mention that contriving your personality is painfully lame and painfully obvious to all but the dimmest of light bulbs.

Remember, the difference between a regular horny guy and an odious creep is one determined by women - and the quickest way to the creep zone is to try to fake your personality. Vin Diesel wasn't not winning Oscars because women didn't like him. He's not winning Oscars because he's a shitty actor. Human interaction is not a paint-by-numbers game.

Haha yeah, I gotta agree with you there. For me it was easy to adapt as I've allways kind of been a cocky and playful guy, so these ideas went down really well with me. I never had trouble getting women, it was keeping them happy and still being able to do my own thing that bought me to the point of signing up to a self help news letter.

But your right, I hadn't thought how all the concepts could relate with someone whos not natrually confident. The thing I like about these in particular news letters is they teach not to focus and rely on techniques, but more improve your undertstanding, so you can improve the areas you may need to work on yourself.

I guess the confidence and realism part comes down to being comfortable in your own skin, and not acting, but actually being. I do beleive the more successful you are with women the more this develops.