Asking for your input - ecstasy, depression ?

[CVCVCVCV]

I don’t know how to explain my situation in the clearest way, but I’ll try. This will be a long post, so be warned. First a little background info. I am a 21 year old male from Denmark. I am originally from Seoul, South Korea, but I have lived in Denmark since I was 6 months old.

Basically, I feel as if something is completely wrong with me. I first started taking drugs back when I was a stupid 15 year old teenager. Me and a group of friends started taking ecstasy in the weekends, and our usage quickly went from once a month to every weekend. I definitely feel the ecstasy pills have ”broken” something in me, and I regret ever touching them. Before I ever took drugs I was an outgoing person, popular and I never had any social troubles/difficulties. After the ecstasy, it felt as if something had changed. Even though I haven’t touched ecstasy in several years, my mood levels are still not the same as before, I feel as if I am more introverted now.

Ever since the ecstasy up till now I have had coming and going ”depressions”. Some weeks everything is great, and then the next week I feel as if I am going to die. I have often thought of comitting suicide, thought about my funeral and so on, but I have never acted on it. Is this normal? I don’t think it is, but the one time I told my doctor, she said that she could not help me. Lately (the last 2 weeks) I have been in a really bad mood. I have also started smoking weed every day (I have smoked on and off since 17 years old), and I feel that nothing is worth doing.

Another thing: I have a friend who was/is criminal. We’ve done some stupid things together to earn money. That’s what it is. Nobodys a saint, but I want to share this with you, because I feel no remorse, guilt or anything. I have no qualms about lying or deceiving people I don’t know, but I have an inner circle of friends where we all trust each other 100%. Does this sound sociopathic? Can you be a half sociopath?

I feel as if my outlook on life is damaging my motivation. These days I can’t really see the point in life. You are born, you live and then you die. What does it matter in the big picture anyway, so why should I go to school and follow society? Why not become a criminal, live a good life as long as it lasts. I never wanted to die old.

End note: Over the years my and my friends have done alot of drugs besides ecastasy (2c-b,2c-i, LSD, heroin, oxycontin etc), do you think that damage may have been done ?

I know it is much to ask for a psychoanalysis with only 1 post of info, but any input would be appreciated..

Regards
C

 

[herbavore]

These days I can’t really see the point in life. You are born, you live and then you die. What does it matter in the big picture anyway, so why should I go to school and follow society? Why not become a criminal, live a good life as long as it lasts. I never wanted to die old.

C

"You are born, you live and you die." It doesn't matter in the big picture. In the big picture we are as unimportant and as important as anything else in this complex mess/miracle. There is absolutely no reason to continue to go to school or to "follow" society unless these are meaningful to you. It is your conclusion and definition of the "good" life that startles me. I would take the same information (you are just going to die) and say why not live a life of compassion and connection with everything around you to the best of your abilities while you are here? For me, meaning is made--it doesn't just exist.

It sounds like you have just gotten discouraged and depressed. It may or may not have anything to do with drugs you have taken but certainly some clean time would help your brain deal with things better. A lot of what you are experiencing is existential and that is crucial to adult development IMO so count yourself ahead of schedule--some people go through life never grappling with these questions and I think that they deprive themselves out if fear. Once you realize that you are in fact alone on one fundamental level, that you have all the responsibility for your own small life and what it will mean to you, everything begins to flow easier.

As far as being half-sociopath goes, I would worry less about the label and more about the fact that the people you are deceiving seem meaningless to you. Causing suffering simply because you are not close to these people is still causing suffering. I think the fact that you shared that is indicative of feelings of remorse even though you say you have none. Listen to your feelings and allow them to guide you. I have a very simple moral guidepost--if I feel like it would hurt me, I assume that it would hurt someone else so no matter what gain there may be in it for me, I stop myself.

Was the doctor that you spoke to a general practitioner or a psychologist? It seems incredible to me either way that he/she would simply tell you they couldn't help. I hope that you will continue to seek help for your depression. It isn't like there is a quick fix out there for it but there are certainly many hopeful ways to treat depression.

Good luck. Life is always a journey full of surprises. You never know what your time here will be. Pretending that this day is actually the very last day that you have to live shifts your perspective sometimes and makes you aware of all the small pleasures and sensations that can make up happiness when we open to them.

 

[panos1313]

Indeed it looks you are up for some soul/meaning of life searching. I guess its good that you are going through this at 21 yo...provided you do manage to get through this.

Maybe drugs helped to get you where you are now...maybe they didnt, but in either case this is nothing irreversible. I think we all have to go real low at one point in our life, so when we do recover we can appreciate life even more.

Good luck and never EVER give up.

 

[Ochkhuu]

Hey man, I've been there (I'm still there to some extent) and I definitely know how you feel. I'm also 21 and from Asia originally/grew up mainly in the west for what its worth.

I've been dealing with depression on and off for a long time, and I can't say ecstasy was definitely the cause of it but I do think it amplified it. I also think about suicide frequently but I couldn't see myself ever actually going through with it; and I also have had the same problem with a nihilistic outlook destroying my motivation.

I'm by no means qualified to offer you a psychoanalysis but I can really relate to what you posted and just wanted to let you know there are a lot of people feeling the same despite the fact that's it's an incredibly isolating feeling. Even though I don't post much at all on here I've always found reading the forums helpful.

Personally to help with depression I've found keeping myself busy is always good because you have less time to dwell on things. I don't know if you're working or not but getting a job working with your hands is always rewarding (cooking, carpentry, mechanic, etc). Also I would recommend not smoking weed everyday. I smoked weed everyday for years and admittedly I only stopped last year because I was placed on probation (and I had to) but after getting over the initial hump you have a lot more motivation to do things. For me also, exercise and hiking (I like the outdoors) are both very therapeutic.

I don't know how much that will help, but keep your head up man

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

MDMA/Ecstasy can lower your serotonin levels. I know people who took A LOT of it in the 80s when it was legal, or even the 90s and 00s and they found that taking an SSRI helped as did doing things to naturally boost your serotonin levels.

I've had issues with depression, and a friend of mine in college did and she said how she took MDMA twice and the next day she was horribly depressed and wanted to harm herself so that's why I never took it or any MDX drugs.

I would talk to someone besides that one doctor like a different doctor or even a counselor/therapist. Good luck.

 

[lcrlover]

I understand your situation perfectly, as I have had several problem habits myself, one of which is was my desire to finish off a big bottle of e I had in the ol' med cabinet. Along the way I discovered that a year of using 5 htp was worse than the devil*, but by that time I could again look life in the face and care. It has been a long road for me guy as I quit meth in 97 & never again have gave a fuck (hope I kin say that) until just a short time ago man. Not that I consider the e to be a bad thing, you see it is in the correct application of these type things that we find the thing we are seeking, or not. To that end let me say it hbas been a long bitter time of recrimination, the constant recall of some, perhaps all of the stupidest moments in my life & I am 46, so there have been more than a few. One day I found a new friend, within a month he became the best friend I have ever had & he made me see that life is wonderful & within 2 years he was dying onthe damn sidewalk while I did my best to do anything to help. Cops came & in my hysteria I managed to say a bad thing upset one of them & the result is I lost my business & wasted $50k on lawyers. Easy to see why congress & the senate have the wasting of free money trouble. Anyhow Guy I want you to know there is light there, at the end of the tunnel there really is. Like I said the 5-htp helped me a lot & really got me to the point where I could smile again, and if it won't interact with your present (if any) meds it is a very affordable way to go. I got mine at costco like $16 for 90 pills. I took 2/day for the first bottle, or until results are found but by my 2nd bottle I had downgraded to just 1 pill per day.. I am hard headed so I wouldn't use anything else, well I had stuff bud let me tell ya. Just didn't seem like being addictd to opiates was gonna be a big + for me on top of everything else for the long-term. If only the coca would come back, I pray & pray, but always there is nothing ( just jokin' Dudes heh
One thing that didn't really help mebbe but could at times bring me back to earth is that when I was so soo down & empty I knew that I was gonna be looking up soon & this thought may have well been the beginning of the happiness I now enjoy. Because when all I could see was the bad, the Bad became all there was for me to look at. Why not give it a try, and I want you to know that while I type this I am crying, cause I feel for you & that makes me know that I do give a Damn. I know that your life has simply skipped a track in the recording and you can find a good balance, you already done started.


* lotsa muscle pain, but gradually & took about a year to become unbearable

 

[Pagey]

Yes, the fact that you did drugs is very likely contributing to your depression and smoking weed daily now wouldn't be helping.
"I feel as if my outlook on life is damaging my motivation. These days I can’t really see the point in life. You are born, you live and then you die. What does it matter in the big picture anyway, so why should I go to school and follow society? Why not become a criminal, live a good life as long as it lasts. I never wanted to die old."
You can't go from 'I feel like MY life has no meaning' to 'I'll become a criminal' like that: crminal suggests possibly (and probably) hurting those around you. You may feel like your own life has no meaning and is not worth living according to society's standards or whatever but you can't make that choice for others, you can't hurt them because of your own existential crisis.
I think you just sound depressed, but it is possible to regain feelings of 'actually you know what, I do want to live this life'. Have you ever seen a therapist?

 

[CVCVCVCV]

Thank you all for your responses. I once saw a therapist back when I went to elementary school, because of behavioural problems, but she found nothing "wrong".. Besides her, I have never seen a therapist because of the high price in my country. I am "glad" that other know how I feel, because right now it feels as if everyone else at my age has it all under control and that I am the only one who have doubts about the future. I don't really have any friends who I feel comfortable telling the WHOLE story to, especially the suicidal part, even though I have never acted on it.. 5-HTP requires a prescription over here, but I think it is legal in the UK.

BTW, today I feel fine. This comes and goes in "streaks". I may have 1 good week, 1 bad, 2 good, 2 bad ones etc.. Some days the smallest things can knock me off track, while other days I am full of energy.

 

[DooMMooD]

Textbook bipolar description IMO. You sound identical to me. I'll be good for months and months and then depressed and down for months and months. Bipolar 101.

BUT, the question is: is it DRUG INDUCED bipolar? This is a very real thing. Drugs can cause mood swings, up and downs, highs and lows, to extremes, and with extreme consistency. Which means it very well could be entirely because of the drugs.

Furthermore, they will not be able to determine if you are truly bipolar when you are not on drugs until you, well, get off drugs.

In summation: you do yourself a disservice, and make any accurate diagnosis (and by that extension, treatment) impossible. You cannot fix whats broken if you dont know what is broken, or why.

Examples: you cannot repair a car if its "broken" if the cause is unknown. Do you change the tires? Replace the exhaust? The ignition coils? Similarly, would you treat a patient for cancer if you did not know why they were sick? What if it was simply a common cold? You must know what is broken, and the reason it is broken, before it can be repaired.