Ashamed and enlightened

[chaotic enigma]

A little about myself:

I have been feeling depressed for quite some time. I lost the best job I have ever had due to an asshole who cost the company a lot of money. This waz 2 1/2 years ago. I am still bitter.

Since then, I have been hired at two different 7/11's, and both times I was fired. My employment issues stem from me not being a "yes" person and I challenge my superiors when they are wrong, being irrational, or unjust. My fiance can attest to my work ethic and blah blah.

The last 5 months I have been trying to get investors for an invention, but continue to get shot down, further making me feel worthless. My fiance and I are dependent on her mother, live rent free, but we have bills to pay. I have managed to survive financially (barely) by getting side jobs, but that seems to have dried up completely.

This is all so you know my state of mind. These are not what I am focusing on.

Right now I am high on cocaine. I have not actually used too much to date. This is a good thing! Or would be if my time frame was stretched out. So, without further adieu, I am going to write my story so I can finally get it out there.

I have known a guy since high school. Great guy. Treated me with respect when most do not like me or picked on me. Well, 9 years later he is out of military and we renew our relationship. Well, one night he invites me over and behold! A pile of white gold! The first time I ever touched this particular drug, and it was fun!

Weeks go by and I realize: my buddy has a problem. But that is his problem, one that I am unable to help him with. Now, I have a problem. Or I am going to begin to have a problem. Not too sure yet.

6 months ago is the first time I tried it. Since then, I have probably put about 9-12 grams in my nose. Not TOO much (but still quite a bit imo).

I always thought it odd that I didn't seem to have the "comedown" I have read about. Everyone I have been around seems to experience a comedown ranging from minor to moderately severe. I suffer a physical comedown: I am tired. And usually this was only if I stayed up for 20+ hours. I told myself, if I start feeling depression and seem to be unable to put it away, I am done with it. I pride myself on discipline, self-control, and honesty.

Just to throw this out there, my longest binge was for 12 hours. My buddy and I were hanging out while we both worked on his homework (two essays due the same day). I got an A on his paper (shameless pat on the back right there). Anyways.

I purchased 4 grams two weeks ago. I did about half a gram one night, packed it up, and went about my daily business. Then, 3 days ago, I pulled out .5g and it almost seemed hard to not touch it when it was gone. 2 days ago, I decided to have a bump when I woke up, which turned into a bump every few hours, until the evening, when I smashed through .5 in probably 4 hours. Yesterday, I didn't touch it. Didn't even think about it. Until I found out I wasn't working the next day. 8 hours ago, I started with 2g. As I was about to bask off some more, I realized I went through an entire gram. It took everything I had to put the bag away. An hour later, I was making a line, getting ready to rail it, then I realized, I think I have a problem.

Obviously I am high as I am writing this. My nose is running down my face as I dont want to "sniff" or blow my nose. I have followed most of the advice for nose care so I have since flushed (several times). I have a deviated septum from two broken noses and one side gets dry all the time. I know cocaine ruins noses, and my nose is a prime candidate to fall off my face.

Anyways, to finish my ramblings: tonight was the hardest it has ever been to stop. The scary pary about it: I dont want to. I dont think I am addicted yet. I still managed to put it away. Or maybe I am and I am justifying future use. Because if I put it away now, I will let myself use it in the future....

Well, thank you for reading the ramblings of a somewhat sleep deprived drug user. I need to eat and see if I lost my ass in Forex like last week, or if I managed recover some of the 20% I lost.

ps:

I still don't seem to suffer the depression. I have been depressed, but I don't seem to spiral any further. I still get my chores taken care of and what not. I guess I am lucky in that respect. Just unlucky for making terrible life decisions

 

[MUSHET]

9-12 grams over 6 months is nothing mate, seriously. However, it seems like you like snorting the Bolivian marching powder, it also seems that you are concerned abut developing a habit or that it could be a problem. Since at the moment you have some financial difficulties, I advise you to perhaps find a different, less expensive, pastime to keep you occupied. Cocaine is quite expensive in comparison to other drugs (plus the high isn't worth the money in my opinion), if I were you I'd just give it up before you do end up developing a cocaine addiction, then you are up Shit Creek, as you don't have have the money to maintain it. At the moment you certainly don't have a habit, you just like to binge and to be honest that is normal with cocaine as it is so moreish.

Do you, your wife and your wife's mum a favour, give it up, it won't be difficult as 9-12 grams is not a lot over 6 months at all. If you don't want to give up completely then a wee binge once in a blue moon over a weekend ain't going to hurt - but developing a cocaine addiction will hurt in more ways than one, especially financially.

 

[chaotic enigma]

Do I have a problem? Most likely not. The last two sessions were different than the other times.

Financially, yes, I am in quite the predicament. I only have money for 3 months of bills. I get the powder for a ridiculous price. Purity levels are probably between 40-60%. I get this number from several acetone washes and I converted to freebase and back once using ammonia and muriatic acid. Interesting experiment.

Aside from the recent 4g, almost everything else has been supplied. I do try to be fiscally responsible. Try being the keyword.

The fear of addiction is what ultimately allowed me to put it away and may prevent me from doing it again. Except for that last gram

Do I have a habit? No, not like my buddy or those around him. However, I feel I have the beginnings of a habit and that is what is scary.

 

[chaotic enigma]

Hmm, this might be a contributing factor: I quit smoking pot almost a year ago and I quit smoking...until 3 months ago when my coke use increased. The cocaine is too similar to my smoking....and when I ski, I smoke. The smoking makes me hate myself.

 

[MUSHET]

Well if you feel that way and have recognised the beginnings of a habit and, more importantly and also sincerely, find it scary, then I would say that now is a good time to make those 4 grams your last. You may have been able to have most of it supplied for free, but once you have a habit that is not going to be the case. Anyway, don't be ashamed about having a wee blow out of the last 6 months as the title of your thread says, as you say you only bought 4g out of the possible 12 consumed, nobody has been harmed and you have had a fun time. Therefore, stop now as you know needs to be done, for the sake of finances amongst other things and life can go on as normal. Good luck to you, I'm sure all will be fine.