as an observer are you powerless in helping bring about change?

[Serotoner]

So, just over a month ago, i lost my older bro to an alcohol addiction.
I miss him dearly. He had the biggest heart. He was young, only 33.

He'd been drinking quite solidly for 15 years or so.
All the signs of liver damage were there (extremely abnormal blood results, yellow skin/eyes) but his doctor seemed so nonchalant..

Earlier this year my bro was hospitalized for a short period of time due to alc related problems and upon being released, there was mention of rehab but no follow up.

And yes, I've been 'advised' many a time that unless a person wants to help themselves then you can't help them??

but i feel like, the system doesn't do enough to foster a supportive environment to bring about change...

on top of that.. i feel like when you throw dual diagnoses in the mix, such as anxiety or depression, which have a correlation with substance probs and can influence a persons motivation or confidence in seeking help, it'a twice as hard for a person to want to take the first step...

and, im just wondering what people's thoughts are on this?

what kind of experience have you had?

when i phoned up a drug/alc helpline, i was shut away... they wouldn't even give me the names of any treatment/rehabilitation centers because i wasn't the person with the problem...

**mods feel free to move

 

[workforchange]

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I lost my sister a year ago to substance abuse and my brother 14 years ago. It's horrible. I can only tell you from my experience with alcoholism that, until the person wants help, no help is going to work. There's no use in trying to get someone into rehab unless they want it. I work, as a substance abuse counselor and social worker, with people who are incarcerated due to substance abuse related issues. They can go to all the meetings while locked up, but the real test is when they are released. You can put someone in jail long enough for them to start to think clearly but, if they don't want to stay sober, they wont once they are released. I liken my getting sober to one day, for no reason, the stars aligned perfectly for me. I had gone to meetings before that day, I wanted so bad to get sober, but I couldn't get that "thing" that made it stick. But, one day, I don't know what happened, but I got that "thing". I have had friends relapse, even die, since I got sober, but I still haven't relapsed because I know the chance of me getting that thing again are slim to none. I see it in my friends who are back out drinking and using; they want to get sober but can't. You can get someone to promise you they'll get clean, but they're doing it out of shame and guilt. They may want it to be the truth but often they can't do it. That's why they say that the rooms of AA aren't for those that need it, it's for those that want it. Fighting what was in my nature to do was the hardest thing I ever did. It was in my nature to get drunk. I started drinking when I was 11 and I didn't get sober until I was 48. I hope I never have to go through that last 6 years before I got sober again. It was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. There is no guarantee that I won't again. That's why I still go to meetings, but that's for me. It doesn't work for everyone, but it did for me. So, while I am so very sorry for the suffering that you're going through, know that there was nothing you could do to save your brother. Addiction is a very selfish disease. I had to let go of a man I loved with all of my heart and soul 2 years ago, because his addiction was killing me as well as himself and I wasn't willing to relapse over it. It is what it is.

 

[Kittycat5]

I know you didnt mean it this way workforce, but it is what it is should not apply to addiction treatment and larger medical establishment at whole. Too many cracks to fall through, too much regulation, too many healthcare professionals numb or naive to the plight of people fighting addiction. Getting help, sometimes can seem like a never ending cycle of failure to people who are clinging on to hope that those who can help will be there when needed. Serotoner talked of rehab but no follow up. Why couldnt someone reach out and just say, hey are you ready to do this? Also, the audacity of a narc/alcohol line basically hanging up on a family member is appalling. I guess I am just venting, but the stigma of the addict is still there in many places, including mainstream medicine and it may be costing lives. Do no harm just flies out the window for junkies and alcoholics I guess.

 

[workforchange]

I meant it is what it is as it pertained to my relationship. I couldn't let my ex's addiction push me a tiny bit further into suicide. As for the perception of junkies and alcoholics, it is changing. Slowly, yes, but where I live (very conservative state), they've just passed the Good Samaritan law (if someone you're with overdoses, if you call for help, you don't have to worry about being arrested). It is taking a long time for the government to realize that the trillions of dollars that have been spent on the war on drugs isn't helping and people haven't stopped using drugs and dying. Unfortunately, as long as there is money to be made off the backs of those addicted to drugs (from prisons, judges, police, lawyers, cheap labor from inmates, etc.), I don't see it changing to having mandatory needle exchange programs in every city and free rehab for those that want it, sadly. One day we'll live in a society that chooses compassion over money.

 

[herbavore]

What I had to learn, and what everyone that loves someone with a substance addiction ultimately has to learn is that they cannot change the course of addiction for someone else. I am still grappling with that helplessness and lack of control 4 years after losing my son to an overdose. The old questions just will not die. What could I have done differently? What could anyone have done differently?

Of course I have tremendous outrage at the system that continues to punish people for addiction. I have disgust and sometimes even despair at the complex web of all that holds addiction in place. The War on Drugs mentality has created so much misery. The unavailability of rehabs in general is what's criminal. Even when they are available they often operate on shoddy old out-dated thinking about addiction and offer people no real hope. People are directed to exchange their illegal addictions for legal addictions in the name of medication. What if rehabs actually were structured to teach people how to unravel the story of their pain, come to understand it and rewrite thier story consciously rather than simply living it out over and over again unconsciously?

Addictions abound in this culture. Addiction to money, to things, to power, to images, to celebrity. Drugs are just one way to fill the hole inside. But where does the hole come from? What are the deepest roots of pain? The responsibility to ask this question lies squarely on each of us individually but the responsibility to provide support for the vulnerability that follows the asking of that question lies with all of us collectively (families, communities,society in general).

OP, I hope you find a way to honor your brother and the love you had for each other through some kind of service to change the world that did not support him in his struggle. You could not have changed his trajectory and perhaps even with the support of a perfect system he would not have been able to overcome his learned response to his own pain; but we can live lives where we reach out a hand to each other. For me it helps to actively try to provide support in a world that takes more and more support away. It doesn't even have to be in the world of addiction and recovery. Addiction has so many tangled roots--from poverty to depression or anxiety social isolation, disconnection in a family, early messages of shame and fear. There are many ways to make the world a better place and they are all interconnected.

I hope that you and your parents get the support that you need to grieve as long as you need and in whatever ways you need. Losing a brother is terrible. I worry how my other son will navigate the same road you are on. My best advice is this: when you hurt, let it out. Find ways to express yourself from talking to someone to writing to crying or even screaming. Holding things ion to protect your parents or yourself will only make everything harder. Much love to you.