Arguments about SEX (in relationships)

[fairnymph]

1. No BC, now or then.
2. No change in contraceptive.
3. Sometimes we use condoms, sometimes we don't.
4. This was actually my first yeast injection.
5. He's circumcised.
6. No hormonal issues that I know about.
7. No health issues, no changes in diet, medication.
8. Alcohol intake has decreased.
9. I'm more stressed since starting a doctoral program.
10. His scent? Maybe 8? Depends though, if he doesn't shower after the gym or basketball sometimes he can be smelly. Rofl.
11. I would prefer intercourse. How would I like to get him off.. if I'm not in the mood? Honestly, I would rather he just take care of himself. (Is that mean? lol).
I haven't masturbated at all since we got together. (I mean, how can I...? He keeps me busy enough. ). He also has decreased his masturbation significantly.

I don't think you're sexually compatible - as you yourself concluded. This is not something you can fix - I actually married a man I wasn't sexually compatible with, though not really due to mismatched libido (both subs, though he was REALLY submissive, incapable of initiating). I don't regret it bc we had an absolutely fantastic relationship in nearly every regard. I would marry him again, if I could have a do over (he's dead). So you guys need to decide - or more like HE needs to decide - if this problem is worth staying together or not. If you're unwilling to have more sex, or get him off other ways (would you be willing to be do that to keep him?), he needs to accept that this is simply how things will be now - though he may be afraid, not unjustifiably, that you will continue to lose sexual interest in him over time. I would be afraid of that.

It's a really great sign that he's willing to talk about it - it shows he is truly invested & wants to try to save your relationship. My husband just had nothing to say on the topic (why won't you initiate? Silence), which I found extremely frustrating. Though I think he probably didn't know. I'm sure he's very frustrated that you used to have sex daily & now no longer do. That's pretty shitty - even if it's not your fault. I don't think it's normal to go from 1x daily to 1-3x a week, and women actually tend to become more sexual with age, so I don't think age is truly relevant. From his perspective, it's like you changed your mind or were falsely advertising something you weren't committed to providing long term.

Can you describe how you reject him? Do you use excuses or just tell him straight up you're not interested? It REALLY sucks to be rejected by someone you're in love with & can seriously erode self-esteem & confidence. I would ask him how you can express your disinterest in a way that minimises hurting him - but you need to acknowledge it will still hurt, every time.

Sex is a crucial part of relationships to many people. It is the greatest intimacy. Maybe you don't need it much, but he does. Neither of you is wrong, just different.

 

[fairnymph]

That's the problem, he's making you feel like you're "not enough". I've been through this with the last relationship so I feel for you. It's up to you what you do, but I wouldn't keep putting up with someone making me feel like it was never enough.

I want to warn you to please get on birth control or make him wear a condom every time you have sex. Are you trying to get pregnant? It's a very real possibility and if he's acting like an immature jerk over sex, then he will be an even bigger one once a baby comes into the picture. The pill is easy. I used to be afraid to take it, but it's been a lifesaver to help balance my moods during that time of the month.

Forget what he wants. You need to protect yourself first and foremost.

Hormonal birth control like the pill will most likely only make things worse. It's truly evil. I would recommend that you get a non hormonal copper IUD - I've had 2 different models & loved them. One was the Paraguard, the only model available in the US. It's a fantastic model that lasts at least 10yrs & is way more effective than condoms or the pill. I've gotten pregnant on the pill despite perfect use. Never got pregnant when I had IUDs.

Btw, I don't think he seems like a jerk or a cheater at all. I would be happy to talk to him via PM if he wants some advice. It might help if he were to post his side of the story, if he's willing. I think you're both just feeling very hurt & resentful but neither of you is necessarily to blame.

Having sex out of obligation (which I did about half the time with my first BF) is NOT like rape. I didn't really mind it, personally. I definitely preferred it to having an unhappy BF. But everyone is different.

 

[Vastness]

Well, I work in schools... and go to school. I met him during the summer where I wasn't going to school and hardly working. Now I'm in school, interning, and working, so I'm much busier. During the summer, we also drank quite a bit more-- partied--more fun, etc. Just my schedule is more stressful especially with all the HW, etc. Of course in the beginning of our relationship, it was new, exciting and we had all the time in the world. Now it's more serious, I work 8-12hrs, come home, cook dinner, clean-up, do HW for another 3 hours, shower, and then bed.

That sounds perfectly reasonable, that's exactly the sort of honest perspective I would think would be the start of a conversation about it. Forgive me for asking the obvious, but have you said everything in that paragraph, pretty much exactly as it is phrased, to him directly?

Life stress is no joke, for anyone, and you're pursuing your own goals, which is an important thing to do. If he's a reasonable guy, I would think he would understand that it's not all about his needs, and perhaps you can come to some kind of resolution - although as I type this I'm not sure exactly what that would be without understanding his own emotional state in more detail, which it sounds like neither of us do right now - on that note, in fact...

Yeah, sometimes I feel like he needs individual therapy too. I don't understand why he is so strong with this. How much he associates sex with love and connection. I mean, sex to me, is a side dish. Makes your meal better, and you can enjoy it on it's own sometimes, but it's mainly there to make the main dish better.... enhance the experience. I can do without the side dish with every meal.

That is an interesting analogy... no doubt, sex should not be the "main dish" in any relationship, regardless of frequency - because it is always temporary, and ultimately a "pleasure of the flesh" rather that a more consistent, pleasurable state of being originating from within the mind.

Anyway, your phrasing of him being "so strong" on this really does not sound like an enjoyable experience. You say you don't understand him, although presumably you have tried to talk about this and he has tried to offer you some kind of explanation. Either his explanation just doesn't make sense to you, in which case, presumably, you think he is not being rational about this - or it does make sense to you on some level, but you just don't and can't accept some parts of his reasoning, whether you are certain why or not.

In general I find that if someone in your life, whether they be a romantic partner or just a friend, seems to be asking more of you than you want to give it doesn't bode well for the future of that relationship. The people to have around you are those who need the least from you - if you have someone who seems to constantly ask things of you, consistently induces feelings of obligation, about anything really, whether sex or just to hang out, that may not be someone you want to keep in your life, because it's unlikely that is going to change. That said, obviously I don't know you at all, really, and it's impossible not to be biased when you only hear one side of a story.

But this is my interpretation from what you have shared with us all. This is a situation with a finite amount of possible outcomes (with some overlap, admittedly), if both of you are rational people. Either...

A) You explain exactly what you have explained here to him, state clearly what you are willing and not willing to do for him, and what you need from him right now, he accepts it and agrees to modify behaviour appropriately.
B) He explains clearly his own feelings on the situation, states clearly what he is willing and not willing to do for you, and what he needs from you right now, you accept it and agree to modify your own behaviour appropriately.
C) A, except he does not accept it, and you break up.
D) B, except you do not accept it, and you part ways.



Of course there will be some uncertainty in your navigation of these vertices, that's the unavoidable quirk of being human, neither of you will be completely sure what you feel, about anything, and you never will be. But I would suggest only that you trust your own judgement, and if you believe that you know yourself best, then don't allow anyone to make you doubt it.

 

[Asclepius]

My genuine, 2c here because I feel and think you are wasting peoples time and your time.

You are 'perplexed' because you want to give the impression you are stupid - and be stuck in a situation with a guy you look up to but you are not compatible with and possibly know that but want to look for sympathy instead of doing what is required to do, by you, as a grown adult.
You want to play the martyr, and have him play as the guy that doesn't understand you - well he doesn't ( by the sound of it - there is some serious game-playing going on) you should just get over it and stop parasiting on attention to get a way out of a problem that sounds manageable once you confront it, like an adult.

You say his need for sex is infringing you and are passing yourself off as a victim - disregarding ACTUAL victims of this stuff on here - if you have an issue state it - I would suggest to stop martyring yourself and looking for sympathy and attention and actually be honest with your b/f and the situation. I have not seen you relate to anyone with a genuine post on here ;only cliche or, colloquilism.

You are 26, not 12 - seriously, just post something worthwhile and genuine about your insight - the coquettish thing is painful. Its beginning to look like some concocted, fake 'Dear Abbey' cry for attention and nobody knows what your motivation is, as your responses seem to be that you're happy but 'you cant understand your b/fs frustration'. Either he is self-absorbed and unempathetic - which is a red flag, or you are martyring your situation to be white-kinighted.
If you are being mistreated in any way- post it on TDS/PM but by your own account, this is a trivial situation.

 

[fairnymph]

^^^A bit harsh but I can fully see where you're coming from.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Don’t be sorry. I was and am probably meant to be single.

Living the programmed existence. Turn to next page for more information. [Redacted]

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Hormonal birth control like the pill will most likely only make things worse. It's truly evil. I would recommend that you get a non hormonal copper IUD - I've had 2 different models & loved them. One was the Paraguard, the only model available in the US. It's a fantastic model that lasts at least 10yrs & is way more effective than condoms or the pill. I've gotten pregnant on the pill despite perfect use. Never got pregnant when I had IUDs.

The pill is perfect for me because it stops my period from happening and it prevents PMDD symptoms. It used to ruin 2 weeks out of every month because the overwhelming emotions would start days before my period. PMDD is a more severe form of PMS. I still take the pill to prevent it even though I'm celibate.

I'm sensitive to a lot of things so I was afraid the IUD might cause some kind of infection, didn't want to risk it.

Pretty_Diamonds needs to get some form of birth control because this guy doesn't sound like a keeper. He'd be too busy worrying about his dick instead of the needs of a child.

Having sex out of obligation (which I did about half the time with my first BF) is NOT like rape. I didn't really mind it, personally. I definitely preferred it to having an unhappy BF. But everyone is different.

Well, we certainly differ there. I wouldn't just keep lying down and having sex out of obligation for anyone. It's a horrible feeling to me. I mind it a lot when I'm not in the mood and someone is pumping away on top of me. Makes me sick.

 

[fairnymph]

Everyone is different. IUDs very rarely cause infection. There's 2 hormonal ones with progestin that many women don't get periods on, or they're lighter, less painful & lack PMS/PMDD. But they can also cause cramps & spotting, weight gain & acne, or even mental issues. PMDD can be treated with SSRIs, which IMO are vastly safer than hormonal birth control. Just some info, but of course you must do what is right for you.

Icertainly don't espouse doing anything, especially anything sexual, that upsets you. But I do think the rape comparison is quite extreme. Doesn't mean everyone should enjoy/have obligation sex. But I'm truly sorry you feel that way, regardless. And PMDD sucks. Luckily my mood isn't negatively affected by my cycle, but I get estrogenic migraines & have horrific cramps that require strong opiates. The female reproductive system is annoyingly complex & prone to problems.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Yes. Women go through a lot, it's ridiculous. lol I'm just happy to be period-free, wish I started the pill a decade ago.
I don't know if you're familiar with kratom, but that could be good to take for your cramps. It's like an opiate.

 

[fairnymph]

I can't tolerate most opiods, including kratom. Only classic opiates & ibuprofen help. I was really screwed before I could take ibuprofen. But thanks I also tried taking the pill continously to prevent getting my period, & instead I just bled lightly & cramped badly for 2wks until I gave up.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

I can't tolerate most opiods, including kratom. Only classic opiates & ibuprofen help. I was really screwed before I could take ibuprofen. But thanks I also tried taking the pill continously to prevent getting my period, & instead I just bled lightly & cramped badly for 2wks until I gave up.

Oh yeah, Ibuprofen works wonders!
Awww, breakthrough bleeding is normal when beginning birth control and can happen for the first couple of months when your body is getting adjusted, then the bleeding stops completely.
I don't blame you for stopping if you cramped badly, that sounds miserable.
I'm glad the IUD works for you!

 

[Jabberwocky]

You want to play the martyr, and have him play as the guy that doesn't understand you.

I don't think that's a fair assessment.

IMO, she is trying very hard to understand him, and can not see how it is such a big deal for him. And this also doesn't make him necessarily self-absorbed or unempathetic like you mentioned, he could just need the intimacy, like a wounded boy who needs him mom. (?)

As you said, it's fairly trivial anyway, so why go into such a lengthy assessment in the first place?

It's just not that deep. And frankly doesn't make or break the relationship, unless he cheats on her. I'm surprised no one mentioned that possibility, because that is probably the biggest threat to the relationship. Not the "misunderstanding" and "intense arguments" about not having sex daily while she is working, studying, cooking, etc. That all should be fairly simple to grasp for him.

I think OP just needs to be more up front with her needs, as Vastness said.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

It's just not that deep. And frankly doesn't make or break the relationship, unless he cheats on her. I'm surprised no one mentioned that possibility, because that is probably the biggest threat to the relationship. Not the "misunderstanding" and "intense arguments" about not having sex daily while she is working, studying, cooking, etc. That all should be fairly simple to grasp for him.

I think OP just needs to be more up front with her needs, as Vastness said.

I did mention on the page before this how a guy constantly complaining about sex makes me feel like he will go elsewhere. Sure, it's a possibility. I really just think this guy isn't very mature and he happens to be older than her. Hell, my ex was 45 years old and extremely immature so age doesn't matter.

Ultimately, since his sex drive is much higher than hers and he's not getting as much as he thinks he needs at home, I don't see how the relationship can go the distance. Hopefully he doesn't get a side chick.

That's why I can't stress enough for her to protect herself with birth control and don't get knocked up.

 

[fairnymph]

Sadly I WANT to get pregnant now. Best cure for periods! But I will get an IUD again if needed one day.

I wouldn't have called my response breakthrough bleeding. It was a continuous light flow & gave no signs of letting up. Worse, my cramps were as bad as my day 1 heaviest flow. I've since learned it wouldn't have worked anyway, bc I still ovulate on all forms of hormonal BC I've tried, which is most of them.

 

[Asclepius]

I don't think that's a fair assessment.

Perhaps it isnt; perhaps it is.

IMO, she is trying very hard to understand him, and can not see how it is such a big deal for him.

This appears to be apparent, by the OP. However we do not know it she is being emotionally honest/straight forward with him or holding her feelings back; thus keeping him confused/if he is just projecting impossible standards based on his past experience, or, is manipulating her unfairly. Maybe its all just a miscommunication?

And this also doesn't make him necessarily self-absorbed or unempathetic like you mentioned, he could just need the intimacy, like a wounded boy who needs him mom. (?)

Maybe he does and maybe he is just feeling a culmination of past rejections. I get that what you are saying completely and at our essence we all have those basic needs. However, maybe he is a spoilt man-child, channeling Norman Bates ...maybe he is just manipulating her consciously/not. Who knows.

As you said, it's fairly trivial anyway, so why go into such a lengthy assessment in the first place?

..because I saw the OPs posts in the past and am concerned that she is enabling co-dependency and/or is setting herself up to not be fullfilled in her relationship, somehow.

I wish them both the best and hopefully they can work it out/split - whichever is the best to do.

It's just not that deep. And frankly doesn't make or break the relationship, unless he cheats on her.

Being stuck in, or trying to maintain an unfullfilling/toxic relationship where you are burdened with confusion, can be worse than it ending imho.