Arguments about SEX (in relationships)

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Hi all,

I've (27) been dating my BF (33) for a little over a year. Our major problem? We always fight about sex. . .

He feels like we have sex too little.. and I feel like we have a good about of sex. We have sex 1-3x a week. However, in the beginning we had sex almost every day-- sometimes 2-3x a day. Not anymore.. but what do you expect (my thoughts)?

Last week, I got a yeast infection and still had sex thinking it would go away-- but it made things worse. So we didn't have sex for like 3-4 days and honestly I didn't feel like I should give him BJs/Handjobs.. which resulted to fights and him generally mopping around. He wouldn't really text me while I'm at work.. just "staying busy" and his responses cold to passive-aggressively let me know that he's down and doesn't feel like talking to me.

Now I'm feeling better... so we had sex. However, some part during it started to hurt again so I asked him to stop (I started getting really bad cramps). Again. he became frustrated because it's like, "(I) don't care about his needs" because I didn't try to help finish him. I explained that I was having cramps....

Anyhow, sex is becoming a "chore". Like I have to do this to make him happy. We had another "conversation" which I just told him that I don't think we are sexually compatible. He's always "not satisfied" with the sex part of our relationship. And I don't want to feel forced to perform any type of sexual act. He also shared that his first ex would always have sex with him whenever he wanted.. and all his exes after that seem to turn him down a lot. (I was kind of like wtf when he told me this, as if, I'm suppose to fill the shoes of this first ex when they were in high school and teeny horny boppy). His last ex they would have sex like 3x a year... so I get that he's "traumatized" but I don't understand why he takes any deny of sex as total "rejection" and me being "selfish".

I don't want to break up with him because I think our relationship is great-- we connect on all levels -- sex is amazing. He just always wants to "talk" about our lack of sex A LOT.. and our arguments get kind of intense. I'm having trouble understanding HIS side. I'm having trouble figuring out a compromise.

 

[atara]

We have sex 1-3x a week. However, in the beginning we had sex almost every day-- sometimes 2-3x a day. Not anymore.. but what do you expect (my thoughts)?

Twice a week is normal.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1467-842X.2003.tb00805.x

There are times IMO where if you're not having sex, you should "just do it" because it breaks a vicious cycle of separation reinforcing insecurity reinforcing separation. That's not what's happening here.

He also shared that his first ex would always have sex with him whenever he wanted.. and all his exes after that seem to turn him down a lot.

Was he really whiny towards them, too?

On it's face this suggests some lack of thinking. At some point he should conclude that most people don't have sex multiple times per day (a fact!).

His last ex they would have sex like 3x a year... so I get that he's "traumatized"

Did he actually say traumatized or words that add up to traumatized?

I'm making a lot of assumptions here but it's possible that she made him feel unattractive or unsatisfying. He tries to compensate by having a lot of sex, but he doesn't want to admit feeling insecure, so he frames it as a "need".

You can probably bring this up by asking him what "rejection" feels like and what memories he associates with it.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Twice a week is normal.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1467-842X.2003.tb00805.x

There are times IMO where if you're not having sex, you should "just do it" because it breaks a vicious cycle of separation reinforcing insecurity reinforcing separation. That's not what's happening here.

Twice a week is normal. Hmm. I agree. But twice a week is pushing it since his goal would be 5-7 times.
I do have sex with him sometimes.. just to "do it".. hence it becoming a chore because even if I agree.. but not enthusiastically .. he will decline and be all "disgruntled" since "it doesn't sound like I really want to".

Was he really whiny towards them, too?

On it's face this suggests some lack of thinking. At some point he should conclude that most people don't have sex multiple times per day (a fact!).

Yes. but his goal is 5-7x... a week.. which he feels is reasonable. I couldn't even get him down to 3.. well.. kind of did... 3x a week at MIN.. but then after my yeast infection became all a ... "what about MY needs?"

Did he actually say traumatized or words that add up to traumatized?

He acts like it. Of course, he's a guy and would never say "traumatized"...

But he makes it seem like these girlfriends were SOO mean to him... I mean sex once every 3 months -- how horrible... he would express how he didn't know why he stayed so long (2-8 years, etc). He used to say how he was so happy that I wasn't like them.. and how we have the most passionate sex... but now.. I feel like he does see me as them.. and it sucks because I feel like I"m trying SOO hard... but I can't compete with 5-7x... I have a pretty low sex drive... and are pretty busy...

I'm making a lot of assumptions here but it's possible that she made him feel unattractive or unsatisfying. He tries to compensate by having a lot of sex, but he doesn't want to admit feeling insecure, so he frames it as a "need".

You can probably bring this up by asking him what "rejection" feels like and what memories he associates with it.

I think this really makes sense. It could be the core issue of him feeling insecure and undesired. Of course I wish he didn't feel like this. I try my best to always make him feel good with compliments and etc... We often do exercises such as 3 things we are grateful for about each other, one thing we thought was attractive/hot about each other that day, or even have done ABCs about each other (ex. Always on time, Badass cooking, etc. lol)-- as corny as it is... I'm always trying to figure out ways to appreciate and love each other.

Again, I feel like I'm trying so hard....

And again, he is feeling... incomplete.

 

[atara]

But he makes it seem like these girlfriends were SOO mean to him.

But nobody thinks that saying no to sex is mean, right? How do you make it sound mean?

I mean sex once every 3 months -- how horrible... he would express how he didn't know why he stayed so long (2-8 years, etc).

So there's this quote from Genghis Khan. "If one must drink, then let one drink thrice a month, for more is bad.". I think nobody worked harder than Genghis Khan, because he conquered nearly all of Asia. If Genghis Khan has time to get drunk three times a month, anyone should have time to try to have sex three times a month. Chances are whatever someone is doing is less important and not as hard as conquering Asia.

I guess I want to draw a line, despite my ignorance, because while obviously it isn't horrible it certainly isn't any good to be with someone who isn't trying. I assume that's why you're worried about whether you're trying hard enough, because you recognize that that can be a problem. So my point is, that it looks like these past relationships were clearly on the bad side of the line.

More importantly, you are well within the "actually trying" side of the line. You really shouldn't feel bad about this. I understand that you might feel bad for him, but that's different.

(Genghis Khan would not approve of my drinking habits.)

I think this really makes sense. It could be the core issue of him feeling insecure and undesired. Of course I wish he didn't feel like this. I try my best to always make him feel good with compliments and etc... We often do exercises such as 3 things we are grateful for about each other, one thing we thought was attractive/hot about each other that day, or even have done ABCs about each other (ex. Always on time, Badass cooking, etc. lol)-- as corny as it is... I'm always trying to figure out ways to appreciate and love each other.

There are two competing lines of thought in my head. For one I know I can't always generalize what I like to what someone else would like and I should have some sort of logical reasons for what I say. The other voice in my head really wants me to tell you just shove him up against a wall and kiss him!

And I guess, like, talking is nice, but actions speak louder than words. I guess it always surprises me that some people are not very physical outside of sex. It seems likely that this dude responds to touch. It sounds like you don't want to have sex that often, and that's okay, but there are shorter avenues to physical intimacy.

 

[Vastness]

Maybe you are just sexually incompatible. For some people sex and frequency of sex is of very high importance in relationships. For others, less so.

I think it's a little immature of him to be whiny about it regardless of the reason. Equally though speaking as a guy I can relate to being involuntarily moody about similar situations, which I am never proud of in retrospect. I used to date a girl who had some psychological issues and we used to take a lot of tramadol, have marathon opiated sex sessions where I would be completely unable to ejaculate, and then the next morning when I'd obviously be thinking I would finally be able to finish she'd be completely cold and uninterested. I tried to be as nice as possible about it of course but this kind of thing does get old fast if it happens a lot and no doubt I was whiny and passive aggressive about it on occasion.

This was a while back, now that I'm older and have a little more emotional maturity and emotional control, I am a lot more accepting of transient disappointment in general (sexual or otherwise). I'm younger than 33 but I like to think when I am 33 I would be way past reacting in such a passive aggressive way - not to say I would just suck it up either though if I was chronically unhappy with the frequency of sex in a relationship and it didn't appear to be a temporary thing.

However, in the beginning we had sex almost every day-- sometimes 2-3x a day. Not anymore.. but what do you expect (my thoughts)?

I'm curious what you mean by this. Obviously you think this is normal, which usually it is, but why is it the case, in your case?

I mean I know that it evidently DOES usually happen that people have sex less past the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, so to speak, but you are both still young, presumably you both enjoy having sex, so why in your case do you think the frequency has reduced?

I concur with atara that it sounds like physical intimacy is important to your partner, and really the things you have mentioned are no substitute if this is indeed the case.

In general, I really think it is problematic in many ways when sex is used as a "bargaining chip" in a relationship - no-one wants to feel like having sex is a chore that they are obliged to do to fulfil some kind of quota, and no-one wants to feel like someone is having sex with them just to do them a favour.

I would be the last person I would ask for relationship advice, but to me this doesn't seem like a complex problem, although I know it is a fairly common problem that usually doesn't bode well for the future of relationships (mismatched sex drives). I think you both need to look at your reasons for wanting sex less often and more often respectively - in his case, as mentioned, it seems like physical intimacy is important, so perhaps as mentioned above he would be happy with some other forms of physical intimacy sometimes. In your case I would be curious to know what the reason is.

Any reason is not something you should be made to feel bad about of course, I am a little hesitant to ask this question in case it is taken as any kind of implication that you should feel obligated to have sex, which is categorically not my intention.

But clarifying some more specific reasons that your sex drive has apparently reduced as the relationship has progressed would probably be helpful both for yourself and your partner.

 

[alasdairm]

related reading: How does your sex drive differ from your partners'?

alasdair

 

[SamanthaB]

Hi Pretty Diamonds,

Since you are a moderator here on this site, I commend you for having the guts to brings this up in the forum. I am really sorry your relationship is having some issues.

It is REALLY hard to figure out what ALL is going on in your relationship with your SO from the few entries on this forum. At this point, you both seem to be digging in and are both unhappy about how this sex issue is being played out in your relationship and are now getting nowhere. As a result, you and your SO are not going to resolve your issues unless there are some changes by one or both of you. Be that as it may, one could say that you are just incompatible, period, and you should move on, but that might be throwing the baby out with the bath water and end something that is good that could be saved. So, my advice would be for the two of you to go and see a mental health professional who can help you work this out, if that is possible. If it ends, then you both will understand what happened, never look back and that you did what you could to save it. If you are able to understand what is going on, work things out and find some middle ground, all the better. Relationship problems suck and are the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, and it does not just include SO relationships.

Good luck with this and let us know how this turns out for you.

 

[fairnymph]

I have a lot to say on this topic, both generally & specifically, and personally as I have been on both sides of this extremely common problem. I will try to go more into depth overall when I can, but first some crucial questions:

●Were you on any type of hormonal birth control when you met/first started dating him?

●Have you made any changes to the type of contraception you use since, & if so what & when (especially in relation to the development of this jssue)? Please provide full details if possible.

● Do you currently or have you ever used condoms together alone or as well?

●Are you prone to YIs? If so, just with him or also with past partners? Were you on antibiotics within 6wks of developing the YI or was there no obvious cause? [Note: synthetic underwear, frequent/long baths - especially with bubbles or other additives, douching, condoms, spermicide, many types of lube, & frequent/extended swimming particularly in chlorinated pools (or soaking in hot tubs), are further common causes of YIs, in addition to the most serious - recent AB & hormonal birth control use - & all of the aforementioned are exacerbated by consumption of sugars.]

●Is he circumcised or intact?

●Could/do either of you, though you especially, have any known sex hormone imbalances or outright disorders? Are you more than a little overweight (undiagnosed &/or borderline PCOS is common, & increasingly so in even normal & thin women)?

●Do either of you have any chronic/current/recent health issues? Have either of you made any significant changes in diet, exercise or drug/medication/supplement use since you began dating?

●What substances from the above categories have you both used with any regularity since dating?

●Have you experienced any noteworthy changes in mental health or stress, or life changes/events, as individuals or a couple, in your time together?

●Does his natural scent/body odour arouse you? How much so on a scale of 1-10 (1=extreme turn off, 5=completely neutral, 10=greatest turn on)? How does he rank compared to past partners? Any changes in your perception of his scent? Does he EVER smell bad to you, particularly when very sweaty or when he hasn't bathed in longer than usual? Or do you find him extra sexy in such states, or the opposite?

●How would you rank the ways YOU like him to get you off (manual/oral/intercourse etc), & are your preferences the same regardless of partner or unique to him? How would you rank the ways you like to get HIM off, especially if you aren't in the mood? How much do you each enjoy masturbation & how often do you do so on average, both when single & since becoming a couple?

It is NEVER a good idea to have sex when you have or suspect you might have a yeast infection. Always get fully treated before resuming sexual activity of any type. Men can get YIs from women, usually with no apparent symptoms, & pass it back, so they can require treatment too, & they are not as easily treated for YIs, either.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

We always fight about sex

Relationships are a lot better when intimacy and sexuality come together spontaneously and are not shoved together at the end of an idea, etc. This is why I'm single now.

I'm really glad to see you and your guy still together (my brain seems to remember you from a few years back), I hope you two find happiness.

Maybe you are just sexually incompatible.

This is impossibly difficult to tell someone, and even when you get the words out, the shovel and a hole in the sand appear fairly quickly.

(you can read more about my relationship failures in the 'say something you can't say to their face' thread).

 

[augustaB]

He wants more and you think it's enough.
Well one thing I can pretty much guarantee is that as you get older, he will want less and eventually want nothing, and you might still want it.
So it goes.

 

[Asclepius]

He sounds way less self-aware and mature than you. You can spend your time helping him to deal with his past and baggage (if that is the case/ maybe he is using it to justify his shitty behaviour)and making him feel better (which is his own responsibility)or, you can move on to better things that give you more reason to feel content about yourself. If someone cant bring something of meaningful, value to the equation, then they need to go - its short term folly and time is precious/life is short. Having someone to give you less reason to post on here about trying to fix them; who is too caught up in their own issues to meet their partners/your needs. From what you said, he is not concerned about you or your comfort/happiness and that is concerning. There is no point in anything other than FWB with someone who is obsessed with their own needs and cant meet yours this is the antithesis of a working relationship. Its give and take and open expression and caring.

Know your worth. Life is too short to waste on those who don't value you. You can like him, love him but if he is dismissing you over his needs then -'the 'relationship' ( if that is what you are investing in), is not worth much. SO reconfigure. Stand back and get your priorities straight.

Talk to him about it - if he cant be open to change then quit. Everyone in relationships has to deal with their issues but one hand, solely, can not clap. There has to be reciprocity.

 

[atara]

Maybe you are just sexually incompatible. For some people sex and frequency of sex is of very high importance in relationships. For others, less so.

Honestly I feel like the difference in sexual frequency we're talking about here (2x/week vs 1x/day?) isn't big enough to be called incompatibility. I feel like it's more likely to be a case of her boyfriend being paranoid that the sexual frequency is going to go down more, that she doesn't actually enjoy it, etc. I say paranoid because the idea originates from an emotional reaction to a memory.

So when I suggest physical affection I think it's a way to address that feeling. I don't think it's a substitute for sex specifically. Intimacy is cool but validation goes a long way too.

 

[Vastness]

^ Yeah maybe. I don't really have much of a clue. Either way, some open and honest communication is surely the path to a solution here. That said, not everyone has a sufficient level of self-awareness to be completely open and honest, because they're not really being honest with themselves, or they don't really know themselves.

If this is the case it just becomes a question of patience... ie, how much weight of the burden of someone else's issues you're willing to shoulder until they can figure themselves out.

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

Are you dating my ex? He sounds very selfish. My ex would also feel rejected and get an attitude when I didn't feel like having sex. He would give me guilt-trips, but you need to understand it is YOUR body and you do not have to do anything you don't want to!

Having sex out of obligation feels like rape. It's awful. Have a discussion and see if he can be reasonable. With my ex, sex became a chore too and ultimately I became turned off by him because he'd throw a tantrum like a child when I said "No."

You need to feel like he values and respects you, it's your body. Sex will always be an issue if he keeps making a big deal out of it. I understand you don't want to break up right now. It all depends on how long you want to keep putting up with that situation, but I wouldn't put up with it for long.

Another thing is when a guy constantly complains about sex, it makes me feel like he will go elsewhere. Who needs it? You're better than that.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

But nobody thinks that saying no to sex is mean, right? How do you make it sound mean?

So there's this quote from Genghis Khan. "If one must drink, then let one drink thrice a month, for more is bad.". I think nobody worked harder than Genghis Khan, because he conquered nearly all of Asia. If Genghis Khan has time to get drunk three times a month, anyone should have time to try to have sex three times a month. Chances are whatever someone is doing is less important and not as hard as conquering Asia.

I guess I want to draw a line, despite my ignorance, because while obviously it isn't horrible it certainly isn't any good to be with someone who isn't trying. I assume that's why you're worried about whether you're trying hard enough, because you recognize that that can be a problem. So my point is, that it looks like these past relationships were clearly on the bad side of the line.

More importantly, you are well within the "actually trying" side of the line. You really shouldn't feel bad about this. I understand that you might feel bad for him, but that's different.

(Genghis Khan would not approve of my drinking habits.)

There are two competing lines of thought in my head. For one I know I can't always generalize what I like to what someone else would like and I should have some sort of logical reasons for what I say. The other voice in my head really wants me to tell you just shove him up against a wall and kiss him!

And I guess, like, talking is nice, but actions speak louder than words. I guess it always surprises me that some people are not very physical outside of sex. It seems likely that this dude responds to touch. It sounds like you don't want to have sex that often, and that's okay, but there are shorter avenues to physical intimacy.

I think from his POV, they would "schedule in sex" or promise to have sex later or on this day and then not deliver. They wouldn't have sex with him for months at a time, etc. That is how he defined them being "mean".

I suppose I do feel bad for him. I wish I wasn't the cause for his pain.

Trust me... I do the physical touching.. all the time, moreso than any other ex, especially since he is a physical touch person. We cuddle at night and in the morning. I shower him with kisses before bed, when I wake up, and when I leave for work. I give him massages. We shower together every night. etc. However, it's not good enough. He wants S-E-X.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Maybe you are just sexually incompatible. For some people sex and frequency of sex is of very high importance in relationships. For others, less so.

I think it's a little immature of him to be whiny about it regardless of the reason. Equally though speaking as a guy I can relate to being involuntarily moody about similar situations, which I am never proud of in retrospect. I used to date a girl who had some psychological issues and we used to take a lot of tramadol, have marathon opiated sex sessions where I would be completely unable to ejaculate, and then the next morning when I'd obviously be thinking I would finally be able to finish she'd be completely cold and uninterested. I tried to be as nice as possible about it of course but this kind of thing does get old fast if it happens a lot and no doubt I was whiny and passive aggressive about it on occasion.

This was a while back, now that I'm older and have a little more emotional maturity and emotional control, I am a lot more accepting of transient disappointment in general (sexual or otherwise). I'm younger than 33 but I like to think when I am 33 I would be way past reacting in such a passive aggressive way - not to say I would just suck it up either though if I was chronically unhappy with the frequency of sex in a relationship and it didn't appear to be a temporary thing.


I'm curious what you mean by this. Obviously you think this is normal, which usually it is, but why is it the case, in your case?

I mean I know that it evidently DOES usually happen that people have sex less past the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, so to speak, but you are both still young, presumably you both enjoy having sex, so why in your case do you think the frequency has reduced?

I concur with atara that it sounds like physical intimacy is important to your partner, and really the things you have mentioned are no substitute if this is indeed the case.

In general, I really think it is problematic in many ways when sex is used as a "bargaining chip" in a relationship - no-one wants to feel like having sex is a chore that they are obliged to do to fulfil some kind of quota, and no-one wants to feel like someone is having sex with them just to do them a favour.

I would be the last person I would ask for relationship advice, but to me this doesn't seem like a complex problem, although I know it is a fairly common problem that usually doesn't bode well for the future of relationships (mismatched sex drives). I think you both need to look at your reasons for wanting sex less often and more often respectively - in his case, as mentioned, it seems like physical intimacy is important, so perhaps as mentioned above he would be happy with some other forms of physical intimacy sometimes. In your case I would be curious to know what the reason is.

Any reason is not something you should be made to feel bad about of course, I am a little hesitant to ask this question in case it is taken as any kind of implication that you should feel obligated to have sex, which is categorically not my intention.

But clarifying some more specific reasons that your sex drive has apparently reduced as the relationship has progressed would probably be helpful both for yourself and your partner.

Well, I work in schools... and go to school. I met him during the summer where I wasn't going to school and hardly working. Now I'm in school, interning, and working, so I'm much busier. During the summer, we also drank quite a bit more-- partied--more fun, etc. Just my schedule is more stressful especially with all the HW, etc. Of course in the beginning of our relationship, it was new, exciting and we had all the time in the world. Now it's more serious, I work 8-12hrs, come home, cook dinner, clean-up, do HW for another 3 hours, shower, and then bed.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Hi Pretty Diamonds,

Since you are a moderator here on this site, I commend you for having the guts to brings this up in the forum. I am really sorry your relationship is having some issues.

It is REALLY hard to figure out what ALL is going on in your relationship with your SO from the few entries on this forum. At this point, you both seem to be digging in and are both unhappy about how this sex issue is being played out in your relationship and are now getting nowhere. As a result, you and your SO are not going to resolve your issues unless there are some changes by one or both of you. Be that as it may, one could say that you are just incompatible, period, and you should move on, but that might be throwing the baby out with the bath water and end something that is good that could be saved. So, my advice would be for the two of you to go and see a mental health professional who can help you work this out, if that is possible. If it ends, then you both will understand what happened, never look back and that you did what you could to save it. If you are able to understand what is going on, work things out and find some middle ground, all the better. Relationship problems suck and are the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, and it does not just include SO relationships.

Good luck with this and let us know how this turns out for you.

Yeah, that's what I suggested to him... and he's open! Now the challenge would be to find the right one....

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

I have a lot to say on this topic, both generally & specifically, and personally as I have been on both sides of this extremely common problem. I will try to go more into depth overall when I can, but first some crucial questions:

●Were you on any type of hormonal birth control when you met/first started dating him?

●Have you made any changes to the type of contraception you use since, & if so what & when (especially in relation to the development of this jssue)? Please provide full details if possible.

● Do you currently or have you ever used condoms together alone or as well?

●Are you prone to YIs? If so, just with him or also with past partners? Were you on antibiotics within 6wks of developing the YI or was there no obvious cause? [Note: synthetic underwear, frequent/long baths - especially with bubbles or other additives, douching, condoms, spermicide, many types of lube, & frequent/extended swimming particularly in chlorinated pools (or soaking in hot tubs), are further common causes of YIs, in addition to the most serious - recent AB & hormonal birth control use - & all of the aforementioned are exacerbated by consumption of sugars.]

●Is he circumcised or intact?

●Could/do either of you, though you especially, have any known sex hormone imbalances or outright disorders? Are you more than a little overweight (undiagnosed &/or borderline PCOS is common, & increasingly so in even normal & thin women)?

●Do either of you have any chronic/current/recent health issues? Have either of you made any significant changes in diet, exercise or drug/medication/supplement use since you began dating?

●What substances from the above categories have you both used with any regularity since dating?

●Have you experienced any noteworthy changes in mental health or stress, or life changes/events, as individuals or a couple, in your time together?

●Does his natural scent/body odour arouse you? How much so on a scale of 1-10 (1=extreme turn off, 5=completely neutral, 10=greatest turn on)? How does he rank compared to past partners? Any changes in your perception of his scent? Does he EVER smell bad to you, particularly when very sweaty or when he hasn't bathed in longer than usual? Or do you find him extra sexy in such states, or the opposite?

●How would you rank the ways YOU like him to get you off (manual/oral/intercourse etc), & are your preferences the same regardless of partner or unique to him? How would you rank the ways you like to get HIM off, especially if you aren't in the mood? How much do you each enjoy masturbation & how often do you do so on average, both when single & since becoming a couple?

It is NEVER a good idea to have sex when you have or suspect you might have a yeast infection. Always get fully treated before resuming sexual activity of any type. Men can get YIs from women, usually with no apparent symptoms, & pass it back, so they can require treatment too, & they are not as easily treated for YIs, either.

1. No BC, now or then.
2. No change in contraceptive.
3. Sometimes we use condoms, sometimes we don't.
4. This was actually my first yeast injection.
5. He's circumcised.
6. No hormonal issues that I know about.
7. No health issues, no changes in diet, medication.
8. Alcohol intake has decreased.
9. I'm more stressed since starting a doctoral program.
10. His scent? Maybe 8? Depends though, if he doesn't shower after the gym or basketball sometimes he can be smelly. Rofl.
11. I would prefer intercourse. How would I like to get him off.. if I'm not in the mood? Honestly, I would rather he just take care of himself. (Is that mean? lol).
I haven't masturbated at all since we got together. (I mean, how can I...? He keeps me busy enough. ). He also has decreased his masturbation significantly.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Relationships are a lot better when intimacy and sexuality come together spontaneously and are not shoved together at the end of an idea, etc. This is why I'm single now.

I'm really glad to see you and your guy still together (my brain seems to remember you from a few years back), I hope you two find happiness.



This is impossibly difficult to tell someone, and even when you get the words out, the shovel and a hole in the sand appear fairly quickly.

(you can read more about my relationship failures in the 'say something you can't say to their face' thread).

Hey stranger! (Actually, this is a new dude lol. I dated my old ex for like 5 years tho. We broke up two years ago. Now dating my current dude for one year. )
Sorry to hear that you are single now.

He wants more and you think it's enough.
Well one thing I can pretty much guarantee is that as you get older, he will want less and eventually want nothing, and you might still want it.
So it goes.

Haha that's funny. I mean sad too.

He sounds way less self-aware and mature than you. You can spend your time helping him to deal with his past and baggage (if that is the case/ maybe he is using it to justify his shitty behaviour)and making him feel better (which is his own responsibility)or, you can move on to better things that give you more reason to feel content about yourself. If someone cant bring something of meaningful, value to the equation, then they need to go - its short term folly and time is precious/life is short. Having someone to give you less reason to post on here about trying to fix them; who is too caught up in their own issues to meet their partners/your needs. From what you said, he is not concerned about you or your comfort/happiness and that is concerning. There is no point in anything other than FWB with someone who is obsessed with their own needs and cant meet yours this is the antithesis of a working relationship. Its give and take and open expression and caring.

Know your worth. Life is too short to waste on those who don't value you. You can like him, love him but if he is dismissing you over his needs then -'the 'relationship' ( if that is what you are investing in), is not worth much. SO reconfigure. Stand back and get your priorities straight.

Talk to him about it - if he cant be open to change then quit. Everyone in relationships has to deal with their issues but one hand, solely, can not clap. There has to be reciprocity.

Ahh, I know he wants to change... but we are both willing to come together for a compromise. He really is a great dude. Is insightful, flexible, intelligent, and incredibly caring/selfless. Which is why this reoccurring fight is so perplexing.

Honestly I feel like the difference in sexual frequency we're talking about here (2x/week vs 1x/day?) isn't big enough to be called incompatibility. I feel like it's more likely to be a case of her boyfriend being paranoid that the sexual frequency is going to go down more, that she doesn't actually enjoy it, etc. I say paranoid because the idea originates from an emotional reaction to a memory.

So when I suggest physical affection I think it's a way to address that feeling. I don't think it's a substitute for sex specifically. Intimacy is cool but validation goes a long way too.

I think you're correct. Or actually I know so because he's mentioned that before. That his previously relationships all started with lots of sex... then slowly trinkled down to once every 3 months. However, we have reached a year and still have sex at least twice a week-- which I think is great. Lol. His love language is touch so we do have a very physical relationship--basically always touching when we are home. But that doesn't seem to be enough.

^ Yeah maybe. I don't really have much of a clue. Either way, some open and honest communication is surely the path to a solution here. That said, not everyone has a sufficient level of self-awareness to be completely open and honest, because they're not really being honest with themselves, or they don't really know themselves.

If this is the case it just becomes a question of patience... ie, how much weight of the burden of someone else's issues you're willing to shoulder until they can figure themselves out.

Yeah, sometimes I feel like he needs individual therapy too. I don't understand why he is so strong with this. How much he associates sex with love and connection. I mean, sex to me, is a side dish. Makes your meal better, and you can enjoy it on it's own sometimes, but it's mainly there to make the main dish better.... enhance the experience. I can do without the side dish with every meal.

Are you dating my ex? He sounds very selfish. My ex would also feel rejected and get an attitude when I didn't feel like having sex. He would give me guilt-trips, but you need to understand it is YOUR body and you do not have to do anything you don't want to!

Having sex out of obligation feels like rape. It's awful. Have a discussion and see if he can be reasonable. With my ex, sex became a chore too and ultimately I became turned off by him because he'd throw a tantrum like a child when I said "No."

You need to feel like he values and respects you, it's your body. Sex will always be an issue if he keeps making a big deal out of it. I understand you don't want to break up right now. It all depends on how long you want to keep putting up with that situation, but I wouldn't put up with it for long.

Another thing is when a guy constantly complains about sex, it makes me feel like he will go elsewhere. Who needs it? You're better than that.

Mmmhhh, yeah, I've thought about that too. I mean, I've worried about that. I don't think he would ever do that though, because we are very much in love and promised that we would talk about it with each other-- if a time like that ever.... felt like was going to happen. He loves me dearly. However, I have told him that I don't feel like I'll ever be "enough" for him. I feel like he will always want more... and will never get it from me. Why can't he be content with what he has NOW?

Haha what a fun poll and read alasdairm-- thanks!!

 

[CoastTwoCoast]

That's the problem, he's making you feel like you're "not enough". I've been through this with the last relationship so I feel for you. It's up to you what you do, but I wouldn't keep putting up with someone making me feel like it was never enough.

I want to warn you to please get on birth control or make him wear a condom every time you have sex. Are you trying to get pregnant? It's a very real possibility and if he's acting like an immature jerk over sex, then he will be an even bigger one once a baby comes into the picture. The pill is easy. I used to be afraid to take it, but it's been a lifesaver to help balance my moods during that time of the month.

Forget what he wants. You need to protect yourself first and foremost.