badamsterdam
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2012
- Messages
- 7
Hello Bluelight, this is my first post in this forum, a post I´ve chosen to write because googling and reading other people´s threads ended up not being sufficient, and I would really like some advice and opinions on my own, personal experience.
I don´t know if I´m supposed to write a long trip-rapport in this sub-forum, but my story and experience is probably one similar to others you´ve heard before.
So I´ll just give a brief description of what happened and my situation today.
This summer, 9 weeks ago, I took a 15g dose of wet mexicana mushrooms in Amsterdam. I´ve smoked pot about 30 times before this encounter with magic mushrooms, but never tried any other drugs. I must also admit that i´d done very little research into mushrooms and psychedelics before I ate these mushrooms and let them work their dark, black magic. Sadly I had no idea of their complex and sometimes life-changing effects. I thought mushrooms was just a way to "play a movie in your head" and laugh about it some hours later. Maybe it is for some people, I don´t know.
I am aware that a lot of people are very fond of these mushrooms and claim they have healing effects. From the 3 first hours of my trip I can relate to this belief. My first 3 hours was a state of bliss: At first I just felt very in peace, relaxed and was enjoying objects moving and the enhancement of colors and sounds. After about 2 and a half hours, I lay down under a blanket and somehow felt like I was an infant again, in my mother´s womb. This was a very pleasant, warm and happy experience.
I guess you know what´s coming now. After 3 hours my sitter told me "listen to this music man", gave me his headset, and I was captured in a world of very dark, psychedelic trance-music. And now the panic arrived. I lay down on my bed, feeling like my memories and thoughts were actual on fire: there was a bonfire in my head, and for every second gasoline was poured on it. After a while counting every second, sure I was gonna end up at a mental hosptial, I "transformed" into a grain of sand and flew over a desert in my mind (though it didn´t seem to be in my mind). When I landed from the trip I just told my sitter "That was not cool, but I appreciate this experience because it gave me a new respect for drugs, and now I know that I will never do anything like this again". Then I slept, sweating and waking several times during the night.
The next couple of days were hard, but I managed. After 3-4 days things seemed pretty normal - sure, there was a lot of thoughts and fear, but I managed quite well, feeling better for every day.
Sudden arrival of a flashback 2 weeks after the trip. Scared shitless, insomnia for two weeks and a bunch of panic attacks. I was no longer a human, I became a state of mind: anxiety.
Now, 9 weeks later, things are a little better. I can manage school ok, and daily life is manageable. But I´m still haunted by existential anxiety (thoughts of the meaninglessness of life, evil in the world ext), and I sometimes wonder if this life of mine really is real, or just a dream. These are thoughts I´ve always had, but they never bothered me like they do now.
I guess I dodged the HPPD and psychosis bullet, but I must be so cliche as to ask - will things return to normal? Will these thoughts be more bearable, and will I again really enjoy life and feel pure happiness without the bitterness of thinking nothing really matters cause everything is meaningless?
I must also admit something. After the trip I told my friend I was grateful for this experience because it gave me a strong respect for drugs, and would certainly keep me away from them. But after the anxiety and flashbacks, when I become anxiety, I just want to run away. I´ve had some thoughts of self-destruction, but maybe even more thoughts of other drugs. Drugs that will help me escape this anxiety, that will make me feel happy again. Valium? MDMA? Cocaine? ... Heroin? I´m not so impulsive that I´ll do such a drastic thing for something that I hope time will heal, but when I´m at my worst, this form of escape seems so tempting and sweet.
Thank you for reading, even though I´m no "special case". I would really appreciate some advice, opinions and even some moral preaching.
Sincerely,
badamsterdam
I don´t know if I´m supposed to write a long trip-rapport in this sub-forum, but my story and experience is probably one similar to others you´ve heard before.
So I´ll just give a brief description of what happened and my situation today.
This summer, 9 weeks ago, I took a 15g dose of wet mexicana mushrooms in Amsterdam. I´ve smoked pot about 30 times before this encounter with magic mushrooms, but never tried any other drugs. I must also admit that i´d done very little research into mushrooms and psychedelics before I ate these mushrooms and let them work their dark, black magic. Sadly I had no idea of their complex and sometimes life-changing effects. I thought mushrooms was just a way to "play a movie in your head" and laugh about it some hours later. Maybe it is for some people, I don´t know.
I am aware that a lot of people are very fond of these mushrooms and claim they have healing effects. From the 3 first hours of my trip I can relate to this belief. My first 3 hours was a state of bliss: At first I just felt very in peace, relaxed and was enjoying objects moving and the enhancement of colors and sounds. After about 2 and a half hours, I lay down under a blanket and somehow felt like I was an infant again, in my mother´s womb. This was a very pleasant, warm and happy experience.
I guess you know what´s coming now. After 3 hours my sitter told me "listen to this music man", gave me his headset, and I was captured in a world of very dark, psychedelic trance-music. And now the panic arrived. I lay down on my bed, feeling like my memories and thoughts were actual on fire: there was a bonfire in my head, and for every second gasoline was poured on it. After a while counting every second, sure I was gonna end up at a mental hosptial, I "transformed" into a grain of sand and flew over a desert in my mind (though it didn´t seem to be in my mind). When I landed from the trip I just told my sitter "That was not cool, but I appreciate this experience because it gave me a new respect for drugs, and now I know that I will never do anything like this again". Then I slept, sweating and waking several times during the night.
The next couple of days were hard, but I managed. After 3-4 days things seemed pretty normal - sure, there was a lot of thoughts and fear, but I managed quite well, feeling better for every day.
Sudden arrival of a flashback 2 weeks after the trip. Scared shitless, insomnia for two weeks and a bunch of panic attacks. I was no longer a human, I became a state of mind: anxiety.
Now, 9 weeks later, things are a little better. I can manage school ok, and daily life is manageable. But I´m still haunted by existential anxiety (thoughts of the meaninglessness of life, evil in the world ext), and I sometimes wonder if this life of mine really is real, or just a dream. These are thoughts I´ve always had, but they never bothered me like they do now.
I guess I dodged the HPPD and psychosis bullet, but I must be so cliche as to ask - will things return to normal? Will these thoughts be more bearable, and will I again really enjoy life and feel pure happiness without the bitterness of thinking nothing really matters cause everything is meaningless?
I must also admit something. After the trip I told my friend I was grateful for this experience because it gave me a strong respect for drugs, and would certainly keep me away from them. But after the anxiety and flashbacks, when I become anxiety, I just want to run away. I´ve had some thoughts of self-destruction, but maybe even more thoughts of other drugs. Drugs that will help me escape this anxiety, that will make me feel happy again. Valium? MDMA? Cocaine? ... Heroin? I´m not so impulsive that I´ll do such a drastic thing for something that I hope time will heal, but when I´m at my worst, this form of escape seems so tempting and sweet.
Thank you for reading, even though I´m no "special case". I would really appreciate some advice, opinions and even some moral preaching.
Sincerely,
badamsterdam
