i didn't even read this thread, just the title but i'm in very bad shape right now. benzo withdrawal issues. i am not sure what is going to happen to me but i may very well end up commiting suicde if this doesnt get better.
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Are you in a bad place...can you see any light?
- Thread starter stellablue
- Start date
stellablue
Bluelight Crew
^ I freaking hate benzo's withdrawls. I have so much empathy from you. *hugs and good vibes from the Carolina's*
^ LOL! Good to know we are not alone. Your post was a good ice breaker and good taste. I needed the giggle. Life is hard and it gets it's good moments. I try and live in the moment instead but I am not always succeeding in this task. I just wanted to see some of the people in TDS that just feel like this so we could be closer. It is so annoying to feel alone, when you are just not sure who to put your trust into. So just trust that to know we are not alone, no matter what our thoughts tell us, it is not hard to get on the net, call a friend, go to a therapist whatever we need to do to get through whats going on in our lives. So I am going to be as honest as possible with my daughters and make mends all I can in being a good influence to them by surviving and being there for them. They are to little to be on their own, and it is our duty to raise the kids we bring into this world the best we can and provide for them best we can and love them. We are not perfect but we are here for them, God knows I love my baby girls.
^ LOL! Good to know we are not alone. Your post was a good ice breaker and good taste. I needed the giggle. Life is hard and it gets it's good moments. I try and live in the moment instead but I am not always succeeding in this task. I just wanted to see some of the people in TDS that just feel like this so we could be closer. It is so annoying to feel alone, when you are just not sure who to put your trust into. So just trust that to know we are not alone, no matter what our thoughts tell us, it is not hard to get on the net, call a friend, go to a therapist whatever we need to do to get through whats going on in our lives. So I am going to be as honest as possible with my daughters and make mends all I can in being a good influence to them by surviving and being there for them. They are to little to be on their own, and it is our duty to raise the kids we bring into this world the best we can and provide for them best we can and love them. We are not perfect but we are here for them, God knows I love my baby girls.
unsettled
Bluelighter
I'm extremely susceptible to depression, a moment ago the only light I could really see was the lamp by my TV, however I just drank a big glass of poppy tea and I feel pretty good at the moment , I can now see the sense of hopelessness I was experiencing earlier was withdrawal related. But even during my drug free periods it's hard for me to be happy, I'm naturally more melancholy and introverted. I often think those people who are always in a good mood and always seem to have their lives completely together are aliens from another planet. Anyway, I can relate to everyone who posted in this thread, I know the feeling all too well.
stellablue
Bluelight Crew
Just know that there are plenty of people to talk to here in TDS. I am glad we can communicate through this forum no matter where we live in the world.
brandy42
Ex-Bluelighter
My last post didn't get through. But I'm feeling sleepy.
Colmes
Bluelighter
Thanks stella, youve always been very caring
coincidentally, I have an appt with a new therapist tomorrow. I'm also doing a slow titration (slow as in months, if not a year, as i'm on 40mg/day diazapam) so ...ya that kinda brings me to feel weird sometimes...but i'm at 35mg now, since according to my research, at a dose of 40mg, one can drop down 5mg and not feel anything too bad. The "subtracting 1 nanogram of valium a day from my dosage" step comes later wooohooo. And i'm glad i made someone laugh with my somewhat spiteful sounding, dirtier lanuage version of the saying "Misery likes company." You are completely correct though, feeling like youre the only one on earth thats going through it is very alienating and makes you feel even worse.
I may as well ask a question...not that there is any answer to it. I contributed a lot of the way i felt due to being single since me and my ex of 2 years broke up about 10 months ago. So, as I said, I asked God, and sure enough, i found someone who is compassionate toward what i'm going through. I know it was foolish of me to believe that someone else could give me happiness in a time where my brain has been going through some dosage and chemical changes. I just wonder why i could feel so lonely...and when I get what I want (I do like this girl a great deal) it does not do what i had been telling myself it would do for months. Blah, ill just shut up and A) hope for the best, B) Enjoy the company and the sex. Its just so funny how people tend to always feel like they know exactly what would make everything better, and in emotional and psychological situations, it usually isn't as simple as one factor.
be well all...much love stay strong and ty stella for making me smile
ichosewisely
Greenlighter
Right now my life is in shambles and I have no idea what the fuck to do. What's changed from the last time I wrote on here is that my ''secret'' is out. Now my family knows that I am a drug addict. I've lied to everyone, but I can't get myself to care. I hate my father, and have a legit reason to, and I've disappointed him and probably (hopefully) hurt him. And it makes me happier than I remember being while sober, ever. And the fact that I've been able to fool everyone around me for the last 14 months puts a grin on my face that I can't seem to shake. At the same time I am extremely angry which is very out of character for me, I usually can't be bothered with anger, but I can't control it at this point. And ofc. the anger is towards my father.
I don't even know the point of this rant. I just felt like sharing. Even though I don't feel like this is a bad place, I just know it is.
I don't even know the point of this rant. I just felt like sharing. Even though I don't feel like this is a bad place, I just know it is.
brandy42
Ex-Bluelighter
Barbs and benzos and alohol are nasty !
Yet kinda anaeshtetic.
Will read your post, but can't t right now.
Yet kinda anaeshtetic.
Will read your post, but can't t right now.
mecaib
Bluelighter
It seems like no matter how much effort I put into becoming sociable, I am only rewarded with the quick draft and loud crack characterized by the sudden slamming of a door. Every fucking time! What is it about me? I've been called slow, but those people didn't know me well enough to make such an assessment. I get this feeling like *everybody* either thinks I'm stupid or subhuman. Conversation and people skills just haven't been my forté. I mark this up to the emotional abuse I received as a child.
My mother was a lesbian, and my "godmother" was a dyke in the extreme sense. This so-called godmother lived under the premise that "children should be seen and not heard." Whenever I would make a mistake, I would get a beating. When I cried, I got more. When I spoke, I was kept down. I was very young, and this took place during my most formative years so I never learned to be conversational, and have always been easily hurt and intimidated by other people.
Going into a deep depression, my social skills took an even bigger hit, and this worsening of my condition did not dispel any negative impressions people had about me. So year by year, I had fewer friends. I began to dress as a goth and practice anarchy before I even knew what those things were. I was in grammar school at the time. After a while I decided to reenter the mainstream, think happy thoughts, be a nice guy, be sociable. But none of these things matter, nobody notices, and eventually everybody who is not family gives me the cold shoulder. It gets to the point where I start hating everybody and the very society that pushes people like me past the threshold. They wonder why we break down, go mad, and destroy the things they consider precious. I did this, got six months in jail (almost seven years in prison), got a strike, and am now living on disability. An early retiree for all intents and purposes.
Still I try to make friends, but it doesn't work. I think I'll go back to making dark art and wearing dark clothing so at least people know where I'm at.
My mother was a lesbian, and my "godmother" was a dyke in the extreme sense. This so-called godmother lived under the premise that "children should be seen and not heard." Whenever I would make a mistake, I would get a beating. When I cried, I got more. When I spoke, I was kept down. I was very young, and this took place during my most formative years so I never learned to be conversational, and have always been easily hurt and intimidated by other people.
Going into a deep depression, my social skills took an even bigger hit, and this worsening of my condition did not dispel any negative impressions people had about me. So year by year, I had fewer friends. I began to dress as a goth and practice anarchy before I even knew what those things were. I was in grammar school at the time. After a while I decided to reenter the mainstream, think happy thoughts, be a nice guy, be sociable. But none of these things matter, nobody notices, and eventually everybody who is not family gives me the cold shoulder. It gets to the point where I start hating everybody and the very society that pushes people like me past the threshold. They wonder why we break down, go mad, and destroy the things they consider precious. I did this, got six months in jail (almost seven years in prison), got a strike, and am now living on disability. An early retiree for all intents and purposes.
Still I try to make friends, but it doesn't work. I think I'll go back to making dark art and wearing dark clothing so at least people know where I'm at.
I am 2 weeks clean of a year long withdrawal and all I do is cry all day. I feel pathetic.
brandy42
Ex-Bluelighter
I can only think stupid happy thoughts are the cure. I'm pissed because I could lose everthing for just because of markets (not drugs).
Well done to ledionz
Well done to ledionz
stellablue
Bluelight Crew
much love stay strong and ty stella for making me smile
^ Thats want I intend to do. Thank you, and let me know if you wanna chat sometime.
7.5 wks clean, fiancee still on remand for crocked charges, our old mutual best mates a Crown witness against him, Colorado is beautiful but i have no mates here and no one to share it with. numb, mind's on lockdown, dreams are turning more violent. painting's the only thing allowing respiration.
all i can see is tunnel.
all i can see is tunnel.