Are you happy being a "loner" ?

[donnie080208]

over the last decade or so i have gradually cut myself off from close human relationships and im not sure if its part of a mental illness or just the way i am?
Ive never been a social man and seem to pick up on a "falseness" in many of the social , outgoing people ive met in my life. Do you think it is possible to be happy and a loner?

 

[Lolie]

Yep. I go nuts if I don't get enough solitude. I find too much interaction with other people absolutely draining. Some people draw energy from social interaction but I'm not one of them.

Realising that was very liberating for me. I no longer do social stuff out of any sense of obligation or let others talk me into social stuff I don't want to do and my life is much better for that change. When I do socialise, I happiest in a very small group of people I know well. At a party, I'll find one person and talk to them the whole time - I have no interest in trying to do a superficial 5 minute catch up with everyone there - and even then my tolerance limit is about 2 hours. I'd rather have just a couple of really close people in my life and not bother with more superficial relationships at all.

Similarly, I process stuff internally. Some people process stuff externally, talking things through with many others before resolving it. There's nothing wrong with either way of functioning.

One question to ask yourself - and answer honestly - is whether you really enjoy your own company and that of only a few others or whether you're trying to avoid a perceived "risk" that comes with human interaction. If it's a risk avoidance mechanism for you - "if I don't let anyone close then no-one can hurt me" - then you probably could use some counselling because people who choose being alone to avoid possible hurt are rarely happy being alone.

 

[†∆†]

I feel that the times when I've wanted to socialize constantly were the times I was feeling very insecure; i was using other people's company to make me feel better about myself. but i think that now that i am more confident i actually need to spend less time socializing and i feel okay when i'm just at home working on things, or reading, or whatever.

however, isolating yourself completely isn't entirely healthy. i think that being a "loner" is totally fine if you're not doing it to run away from something

 

[ColtDan]

yeah i like my own company.

 

[oliphill]

At the moment coming out of my addiction, I feel I need to be around people a lot. I just can't really cope being on my own at the moment. And when I'm on my own I often sit of bluelight and facebook.

I was a total wreck before I got clean. I didn't talk to anyone except online and felt very lonely.I still don't find social situations and interaction completely normal yet, but from past experience the more I put myself in the situation the more I get used to it.

The best thing ever helped me anxiety was hearing someone say: Fear is fear of the unfamiliar, so keep doing something however it feels, make it familiar and the fear goes away. And this has been so true for me.

A few times during my life I had crippling social anxiety, especially when I was smoking weed everyday, but the only way I got over it was to force myself into uncomfortable situations and eventually they became completely comfortable.

 

[blahman8000]

I tend to be by myself a lot of the time. I'll hang out with people here and there if I'm bored, and when I'm with people, I tend to be pretty extroverted. Sometimes I'll talk your ear off. Yet, people usually don't do much for me.

My social anxiety shows up when I run into an old friend or when I'm at a party and I feel obligated to make some kind of nonchallant/approachable kind of impression so that I can avoid that uncomfortable outcasted feeling. Especially with parties, there have been times where I feel like a total douchebag because suddenly I've got no one to talk to and now I'm a pity-case sitting there in the corner. In fact, there's supposed to be a get-together with some old high school friends in a couple weeks to pay respect to a close friend of ours who died from a heroin OD, and I'm really scared about going. An old ex-girlfriend is gonna be there, and a bunch of other old friends that I haven't seen in years. I don't even know how I'm gonna go through with it. I'm thinking of trying to pick up some benzos for it. I can't go too long without a drink and the anxiety from the situation will be bad enough.

Anyway, in some ways I'm happy being a loner. It suits me and I've gotten used to it. I don't mind being alone. Being around people too much tends to wear me out, like in Lolie's case. I suppose some might say that it has inhibited me from experiencing certain things in life, but I'm pretty sure I've gained plenty of life experience my own way.

 

[onlywant2nod]

I've been a loner/castaway from society since I was young. After so many bad experiences with people and the oddest exp. with other people or when being around someone or a group of people. I dont know why the hell, all my life all the people I've ever met at least 95% of the time, have always turned out to be "losers", just out for themselves and only to try to get what they can out of me, once they realize how shy and gullible I was and sometimes still am. So I thought "well if I'm a loser magnet I must be a loser too". So these days especially, you can't trust a damn soul out there anymore these days. So I figured "people suck" and since I go outta my way to avoid meeting new peeps, I also have alot more time on my hands to do only what I want to do.

The only disadvantage of being a loner is having no other "junkies", I prefer to call us Opiophiles, it sounds less discriminating and since I'm an audiophile as well(I'm into collecting vintage well made audio stuff and speakers etc).

Sadly I still have yet to meet another person into Opies, since I started using them very frequently during 2004, all I had to cling to was good old NWW and other rop's online pharms, of course which have all been shut down sadly, I just didn't know or care to know when that was going to happen. So here I sit one lone "Burroughs", very scared of opening up to anyone in public or online when it comes to anything personal at all.

My dream however, is to meet someone who was my best buddy in school, I last talked to him in late 1986 or very early 1987. I wonder alot about him because he grew up in Aurora, nicknamed "little Chicago" where it was easy to cop and I wonder if he ever found Opiates worked best for him. He had treatment resistant depression like me.

 

[Submariner]

Donnie, I think that your feelings are perfectly normal. I know what you mean with "falseness". If you enjoy being alone, be alone. If it bothers you, maybe you should talko to someone about it?

 

[cato9lives]

it seems to me that the whole 'loner' thing is much more "popular" than it was when i was a young up-and-coming loner with cynical disdain for society. in the 80s, when i was in high school, i felt set apart by my loner status--- which is the way i liked it. these days, riding the bus with the current flock of student-fry, i'm seeing shades of previous myself all over the place. it's scary, because i was horribly lonely---

 

[blahman8000]

these days, riding the bus with the current flock of student-fry, i'm seeing shades of previous myself all over the place. it's scary, because i was horribly lonely---

I know what you mean about this part. I remember how lonely I felt in high school years back, and when I see a loner kid walking around, it's like passing by me as a teenager. I was THE loner in my high school class. All most students there knew about me is that I was a loner, which was frustrating because people that actually knew me found me charismatic and fun to be around. I just felt so frustrated about how all the false ego's walking around in the bigger crowds, so I isolated myself.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder

Have a look and see how many of your 'symptoms' (although that word has very negative connotations) match up.


You know, it's funny, when I was seventeen/eighteen or so I was ridiculously social. I was part of the 'it' crowd at school (I'm not trying to boast here, I mean what fucking difference does it make now). There was a group of like twenty of us, about ten guys and ten girls, and we always used to do everything together, hang out, drink, chat, party. And we were genuinely close. I remember once, I think in my last year of A-levels (which would have made me about eighteen) one guy in the group, Dave, lost his mum. A few months later I was in the park alone with him and he started talking about her, then crying. For like ten minutes I was quite literally his shoulder to cry on, in front of dozens of people passing by. Yet I didn't feel in the least strange or awkward. He was part of the group and that's what we did for each other. That was who I was back then.

Then came university and my experience of depression. I hardly spoke to anyone during that time, which lasted maybe a year. When I was finally coming out of it, coming back to reality, I remember talking to my shrink and doctor and parents and asking: how do I get my friends back, when will they return? All three gave the same answer, which was that now I was 'back to normal' I would pick up friends naturally along the way again, just like before.

...But it never quite happened like that. I never got my friends back - the old ones or new ones - because I never quite wanted to have them in the same way as before. Someone asked me a year or so ago if I'd completely recovered from depression, and before I really thought about it I told them yes. But later I got to thinking, and I realised that I never did, not fully, not like I was before.

Maybe it was always inside me, maybe when I was young I was just faking it, but it didn't feel that way. Depression left me... cold. It made me a cold person. Am I lonelier now? Of course. But I'm also infinitely freer. I will never marry, never have close friends and never again be close to my family. But is that a fault? Am I broken, or just stronger? Will it help my life, or hinder it?

Check back in forty years, I'll let you know.

 

[Asclepius]

I tend to be by myself a lot of the time. I'll hang out with people here and there if I'm bored, and when I'm with people, I tend to be pretty extroverted. Sometimes I'll talk your ear off

^identify with this......

Realising that was very liberating for me. I no longer do social stuff out of any sense of obligation or let others talk me into social stuff I don't want to do and my life is much better for that change. When I do socialise, I happiest in a very small group of people I know well. At a party, I'll find one person and talk to them the whole time - I have no interest in trying to do a superficial 5 minute catch up with everyone there - and even then my tolerance limit is about 2 hours. I'd rather have just a couple of really close people in my life and not bother with more superficial relationships at all.

^..and this!

At present, I really like peoples company in Theory, however, in reality it depends on the quality(as I see it) of the company. I prefer more intimate goups rather than a Gaggle of people all clammering to discuss random bullshit about themselves, that seems to have no real purpose; except for people wanting to spew whatever random shit comes in2 their minds. I prefer company as a means of clear communication and learning about the other people and their opinions(know this sounds dull but I just enjoy some meaningful inputs in social situations but there also needs to be smatterings of Humor and Banter and bonding for balance-nothing can be more cathartic than a good laugh! ). But I spend the majority of my time on my own or with one or two other people. Like fun but also like to keep things simple.
Have been out with a certain groups of people and it seems like everyones fighting to take center stage, so everyone just seems to be talking to themselves about themselves, which makes me just want to drink myself to death!!!!! I find that kind of scenario exhausting!
Sometimes the Energy of a certain group drains me too and I just want to get the hell out of there!
Cannot abide bitchy, politically manipulative groups of people-freaks me out!
if Im in a group of people where the dynamics are relaxed amd respectful but not inert I really find it uplifting and enjoyable....
Outwardly I apparently appear to adapt to most situations, but am actually a pretty shy person but a good Actress. If im anxious il either talk alot or say little and just listen.
Usually when I find myself in a situation with people who I feel uncomfortable with I will just tend to talk to them about themselves and that way I feel something mildly productive has come outta the situation even if its not ideal from my perspective.
Do like my own company but not for very long periods of time. I like having just one or two people who I respect to share times with.
I will never have a huge group of friends because I just dont see the need for it and its not my Nature to be that extrovert alot of the time. I love my privacy also!
Have alot of trust issues stemming from my past but try not to let this dictate my actions
when Im with people but I focus on trying to make myself and others feel comfortable and try to milk the most enjoyment out of interactios that the situation will allow - it can be difficult sometimes but not always.

@Donnie It's a sign of good health to reach out of your comfort Zone from time to time and test your limits; once you feel willing and for the benifit of expanding your experiences and to gain understanding.... sometimes people hide their 'light under a bushel' ....but man your right to be yourself, once your being honest with yourself, and your own limitations hold meaningful purpose and merit to you, think all you got to do is just Accept, like and enjoy yourself for who and what you are! Think we have to honour the Nature of our make up and personality; this involves firstly finding out what we are truly like as individuals. Mentally ill or not, putting too much pressure on ourselves to be more extrovert does nothing but exacerbate an already difficult situation, however, we have to put meaningful effort into finding self enhancing social situations/groups because we are social Animals - which is a pain in the ass, but we have to nurture that side of us to some degree nonetheless!
Have a read of this, hope it might be of some use:
Jung's Personality test
Sensitive Personality Types

 

[downward spiral]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder

Have a look and see how many of your 'symptoms' (although that word has very negative connotations) match up.


You know, it's funny, when I was seventeen/eighteen or so I was ridiculously social. I was part of the 'it' crowd at school (I'm not trying to boast here, I mean what fucking difference does it make now). There was a group of like twenty of us, about ten guys and ten girls, and we always used to do everything together, hang out, drink, chat, party. And we were genuinely close. I remember once, I think in my last year of A-levels (which would have made me about eighteen) one guy in the group, Dave, lost his mum. A few months later I was in the park alone with him and he started talking about her, then crying. For like ten minutes I was quite literally his shoulder to cry on, in front of dozens of people passing by. Yet I didn't feel in the least strange or awkward. He was part of the group and that's what we did for each other. That was who I was back then.

Then came university and my experience of depression. I hardly spoke to anyone during that time, which lasted maybe a year. When I was finally coming out of it, coming back to reality, I remember talking to my shrink and doctor and parents and asking: how do I get my friends back, when will they return? All three gave the same answer, which was that now I was 'back to normal' I would pick up friends naturally along the way again, just like before.

...But it never quite happened like that. I never got my friends back - the old ones or new ones - because I never quite wanted to have them in the same way as before. Someone asked me a year or so ago if I'd completely recovered from depression, and before I really thought about it I told them yes. But later I got to thinking, and I realised that I never did, not fully, not like I was before.

Maybe it was always inside me, maybe when I was young I was just faking it, but it didn't feel that way. Depression left me... cold. It made me a cold person. Am I lonelier now? Of course. But I'm also infinitely freer. I will never marry, never have close friends and never again be close to my family. But is that a fault? Am I broken, or just stronger? Will it help my life, or hinder it?

Check back in forty years, I'll let you know.

Dude,

it is just scary and fascinating at the same time how close your words resemble my feelings, thoughts and experiences.

Just had to say that right now....

Regards from Austria, the heart of the Alps

 

[phoenix_risin]

I got clean by cutting connection with everyone but online friends. mostly cause well everyone i knew was actively using and for me to quit that meant cutting ties
Now that i have had years clean i have found myself really well lonely to some extent
Mind ya i still HATE when the darn phone rungs or a knock comes on the door cause i want interaction when I want it LOL
Lately though that want for company led me into a relapse and I have cut off ties again but i am BORED as sh*t
I want to go somewhere do something
i think i need a hobby or something
I know i need a new set of friends but well social skills after 30 years or more doing drugs and dealing with other addicts and hustling anyone and everyone i am unsure how to interact

Sometimes i wonder if all addicts in some way are not prone to being hermits or at least live a solitary existence to some extent.
Hope that made sense

 

[Asclepius]

^ Totally made sense
It took me a long time to feel as comfortable as I do now around people, I used to be seriously Paranoid and terrified of any interaction. Dip your toes back in the Social waters from time to time and be gentle with yourself, it's all just practice, trial and error while your rebuilding yourself again.

Mind ya i still HATE when the darn phone rungs or a knock comes on the door cause i want interaction when I want it LOL

lol Me too, my Ex used to call me 'The Scallop' because I'd flee like the Dickens when anyone came to the door!...I practically needed a written request for an appointment.... I can be such a fkng control freak sometimes!

 

[izzy66]

i spent a lot of time alone when i was a little kid, lived way past the middle of nowhere. there wasn't another house for more than a mile. being alone never bothered me much, just the way it was...
i don't like crowds, don't like lots of voices, the smells, just the whole vibe is very uncomfortable. i do fine one on one but only for a limited period of time. if in the company of one person, w/in 72 hours i have to get away for alone time.
i feel sorry for people who can't handle being alone. it has to a huge disadvantage.
-izzy

 

[phoenix_risin]

^ Totally made sense
It took me a long time to feel as comfortable as I do now around people, I used to be seriously Paranoid and terrified of any interaction. Dip your toes back in the Social waters from time to time and be gentle with yourself, it's all just practice, trial and error while your rebuilding yourself again.

I practically needed a written request for an appointment.... I can be such a fkng control freak sometimes!

Thank you
Yea i am trying to ease back in with new friends and groups but it seems so strange and well i still struggle with those self image things that drove me to addiction to begin with
As you said a work in progress.
and a definite rebuilding

 

[lowlow345]

Yes, I am very happy being a loner. I would rather be alone most of the time. People annoy and disappoint me. =]

 

[Help me please]

You know I just realized that I am a loner. I guess it's only been the last 4 years or so. I had a best friend back then and lots of casual friends as well. I was always with someone or on the phone with people. I guess after my son and DIL had the baby that things changed. They were so young and at the baby shower my DIL's grandmother asked how far we lived from the kids and I told her just a few blocks. She was thrilled and asked me to keep a close eye out because she didn't think her granddaughter would make a good mother. Once the baby was born I was there or took them with me all the time. I pretty much stayed with them till my son got home from work and then she got a job and now I have my grandson 5 or 6 days a week. I love him so much and my DIL's grandmother was right about someone needing to be there to guide and watch things! I don't really get along with my DIL for lots of reasons and most of the time I watch what I say but sometimes she pushes me over the edge and I go off on her. I hate that she lies all the time and about stupid stuff. She starts trouble for me and my son all the time and we have a strained relationship as it is.

Even though my life is full with my grandson I still feel a huge void! My husband and I don't talk for more than a minute or two a day and he doesn't want to hear anything anyway. My other child lives a few hours away and she has a busy life. I have cut off my family (surviving parent, sibs, cousins, etc) the last few years too. I got tired of having people in my life that did not protect me when I was a child.

I feel very alone. I am having a hard time dealing with the remainder of my taper as well because I have no one to be here for me physically and I have to do this slow so I don't go into WD again with my grandson around. I don't even know how to make friends in the real world anymore! I find most of the ones I interact with to be so stupid. I got gorceries today and the woman who was bagiing my stuff was overfilling the bags so I nicely asked her to tie them up which would keep her from stuffing them. She gives me a snide look and says well if I tie up the one with the chips in it they will get crushed and then asks if I want my chiops crushed! I tossed my purse in the cart and walked over to her and said "who the fuck do you think comes in here and pays for food only to have you crush it for them?" Yep...I then asked her if I looked like the type of person she should throw sarcasm at? She apologized and I left. I wanted to find her car and key it though! I guess I am better of a loner.

 

[phoenix_risin]

^^

OH my heavens this so sounds like something i would do.
My kids actually refuse to go shopping with me anymore 8)
I just think if you are in a customer service job well that you should at least make a small effort to do it properly.
I do tend to get a tad loud and in your face when folks do dumbs things too not one to bite my tongue.
I have to wonder am i thin was because of my lack of true social skills because I was an addict so long a very Non functioning one mind you.
I also wonder if many of us addicts do not stay loners because we are confused as to have to deal socially with non drug related people.