are these signs of addictive behaviour?

[Meow101]

I posted a thread here about six months ago asking how to 'control recreational drug use?' Well now six months later, I'm sort starting to adopt a 'live in the moment, and stop trying to control drug use'. I quit all drugs except for the 'socially acceptable' ones, e.g. cigarettes and alcohol for a month in January. Because I'd been using mephedrone every weekend for three months last year and over christmas a few times a week.

Mephedrone is definitely my substance of choice, i've also been using coke and ritalin recently. I started getting ritalin to use as a study aid, however I can never just take one pill it seems, in the end I usually end up popping about 10 pills just to get high and then my comedowns would be so bad and i'd be so tired that my boyfriend and I would buy whatever amphetamines we could get our hands on to stave it off. The past two months or so my drug use has become worse, I would say due to the increase of pressure, I'm taking my A Levels and trying to get my grades for University but I don't know how likely it is that I'll get them because my work has slipped and I've missed a lot of classes. And if I'm honest drugs are to blame. My problem is that even when I have tried to quit as soon as my boyfriend and I get drunk we'll want to pick up and 9 times out of 10 one of us has money to buy so it turns into an every week thing even if we didn't intend it to be that way. I didn't use at all last week, just got horrifically drunk, it seems like I have this constant urge to be out of it. I'm dreaming about drugs all the time now, and i'm not dreaming about them i'm reading about them or talking about them. I don't think I have a drug problem as such, I'm able to just about fulfil my commitments, I don't usually use during the week days except for holidays. But when I tell my more straight edge friends about my usage honestly they become concerned and worried and some start getting kind of angry with me to the point that I've started to lie to them just because their lectures don't do anything but make me feel bad about myself. I know my use is out of control to an extent but I'm still not veering completely off the straight and narrow.

I realise this post is full of contradictions 'i'm out of control/no i'm not' but it's because I'm not sure whether my drug use is becoming problematic. Part of me thinks that I have enough control to never let myself completely spiral out of control but it's so hard to judge because i've only been using drugs for about nine months other than alcohol and cigarettes and occasionally dope. I don't really have any desire to stop or to even control it, except when I'm coming down and going through the period of depression afterwards I start to think I have a problem and start to have a really negative perception of my use. There is still so many substances I haven't tried, that I want to try. I realise I sound incredibly naive when it comes to the drugs world, which is exactly what I am. Which is why I just want advice from anyone who has more experience/knowledge than I do. What frightens me is that now I have drugs to turn to if I go through some sort of emotional ordeal I know I will completely abuse them so I don't have to feel anything. And that it going to happen at some point, especially as things are tumultuous with my boyfriend.

 

[boodha]

the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

sounds to me like your parth could lead into trouble, at the moment, lets be blunt you most likely have a substance abuse problem, can you control it ? perhaps.... can it control you ? for sure, I think we all are very skilled at rationalizing our actions putting a good spin on things, it sometimes takes the outside observer to tell it how it is.
relationships where both partners are using in my experience basically make things worse, not to say that give up on your relationship not at all, but the part where you say either one of you have the money and you score, I can relate to this, sometimes this takes over relationships entirely...sometimes not.

you dont sound like you want to change, perhaps maintain a controled intake of drugs, but you also state your doubt of being able to do that(emotional ordeal) some people would even seek out that ordeal.
I dont really know what to tell you, be careful and just that time is a great healer but also a destroyer, this is how you are now, how will it be in 10 years.
im sorry about my reply, but i kind of related to your post, it reminded me of myself when i was younger.
1 thing, dont ever think, rehab or something like that is only for junkies, if things like that can help, it could always be an option.

 

[BenzoGuinea]

I went through the same thing in high school but it was before anyone knew the pills were worth anything so dozens of kids had old prescriptions just sitting in their cabinets and they gave them away for free. On top of that I had at least two friends with large prescriptions to them. I was snorting them in class and it was all I could think about. Eventually the comedowns were so bad it convinced me to quit them altogether. My advice is to quit drinking because alcohol just makes you want to take every drug in the book. Ween yourself off of amphetimines with large doses of caffine pills and trust me you will be much better off. I was like you and didn't think I had a problem but I did. When I got into coke I felt myself falling back into that cycle and luckily the situation solved itself. Even though alcohol is socially acceptable it is just about one of the worst drugs you can ingest. If you feel you have to take something try casually smoking pot. I had a friend who was a major drug addict but was in a position that he couldn't get any street drugs. He started drinking heavily because it was the only thing he could get. He ended up having to get treatment and was put on antibuse or whatever the hell that shit is that makes you sick when you drink. Long story short he didn't quit drinking and he died at the age of 27.