Are life and living ultimately just a distraction?/Intrusive thoughts about death

[Mugz]

Not sure if this should be in one of the megathreads, please move it if it should.

Death has been on my mind a lot lately, and by lately I mean the last 6 months or so, it comes and goes and is sometimes more intense than others, last night I was reading TDS for a few hours, the archived suicide thread and some of the other threads and was pretty much in tears the whole time. I know that I have much to live for, but sometimes I don't really know whether those things, and everything in general is just stuff to distract me until it is time for me to die. Is life just a distraction? Is living just something to do until it is time to die?

In some pretty deep m-holes I thought I found the answer and the answer was that I had to stop me heart, to end my life, I felt that I was capable of doing that at the time, and almost did using just my mind (I know that this sounds pretty delusional but it has been done by people in the real world) I stopped myself though at the last moment, I don't know whether it was because I was scared of leaving people behind, or because I felt I had more to do before I moved on to the next stage of existence? I really don't know, I just know that I stopped myself, and there must be a reason for that.

It has still been on my mind too much lately, and wherever I go I am spotting "opportunities" or dreaming up scenarios in which I could finally die. This depresses me a lot more than anything else, that I can't stop these thoughts from occuring, I have no power over when they emerge and it is scary. I would not say that I am afraid of death, I am afraid of the act of killing myself though, I don't want to kill myself right now. I'm not there, but it keeps popping up in my head that death is the answer and I don't know how to stop this from happening. The thoughts are intrusive and not wanted but they are there nonetheless, I sometimes think that I will oneday act on the thoughts impulsively and that will be it, and the more the thoughts are there the higher the chance of that happening.

I don't know what I am asking really, I was considering doing this anonymously but thought there is no point in asking for help if I am anonymous. I guess I am just asking if anyone knows how to stop these intrusive thoughts? and also in regards to the first half of my post, is life just a distraction from death? Is that why I am getting more and more of these intrusive thoughts? Because I have realised that it is all just a distraction and that maybe it is actually easier to stop distracting myself?

I'm not going to kill myself, this isn't a suicide threat, so please don't think it is, I just need some advice and answers really that I cant figure out on my own.

Have to go back to work now,

Mugz

 

[g0d00]

People live and die for different things. Everyone has to find their way in this world and although everyone does die, this does not mean life is without meaning.

Contemplating and dealing with death is ... healthy. But the devil makes work for idle hands. Have you thought about speaking to any professionals? Theres really a lot of help out there if you reach out for it.

It sounds like you are depressed, there is treatment. Don't just shut down, what a terrible waste of potential that would be. Keep yer head up

 

[Mugz]

I am most certainly depressed, that is without a doubt. I've struggled with depression for large periods of my life, the only time that I was without it was when I was with my ex fiance, I think that was partly because I had a life there, I had something to be happy about, someone to share my time with, something to keep me from getting depressed. I've been getting more and more depressed and unstable ever since we split 8 months ago and seem to just be reverting back to the person that I was before I met her, the lonely sad depressed person with horrible intrusive thoughts.

During the time that I was with her, she was my main reason for living, without her, I have absolutely no clue what I am meant to do with my life. I have ideas, I always have massive ideas and plans but never get far enough out of the ruts that I get myself into to turn those plans into actions.

I was speaking to an addiction counsellor weekly but then one week he had to cancel as he was sick and then no more appointments have been made since which kind of sucks as it seemed to be helping. Of course it is my fault for not following up and making more appointments but I guess I am withdrawing again and feel like I need to do this on my own as if I am to get past this and get out in the world, I will be on my own. I need to learn to live with myself, and I need to learn to take care of myself without any outside help. I need to be able to cope with life if I want to live, which I'm still unsure about to be honest.

I've managed to get myself into more debt too and wont be able to get out this current debt until at least February now, which is making things a whole lot harder. Also my job isn't 100% secure, which also means my accommodation is also not secure, adds more worry and stress to things.

I was talking to my ex the other day on MSN and we both agreed that I do know exactly how to get myself out of the current mess that I have found myself in, but I don't seem to be doing it. The motivation is not there, I'm happy(well not happy) enough to just lay down as soon as I get home from work and curl up in a ball and do nothing all night until I go to sleep.

I'll stop rambling here and go create a blog or something. Sorry for just rambling about my woes, I just don't want to be woeful anymore and I don't want to keep getting these thoughts of suicide and other horrible(I would rather not divulge the nature of them) intrusive thoughts that are really really not my conscious thoughts, but force themselves into the front of my mind and stick around to torture me all day.

 

[ColtDan]

bad times man, are you still doing mephedrone? and other drugs?

 

[Mugz]

not doing mephedrone anymore, I have still been doing other drugs though, although I am trying to cut down on that, but failing at that too. I need to get off all the drugs to be honest for a long period of time, but I have tried that before and failed at that too. I guess I need to stop assuming that I will fail at everything that I try as it will just become a self fulfilling prophecy and I will destroy myself and end up in a worse place than I am now, or dead.

 

[ColtDan]

you'll feel so much better when you stop everything, its a bad cycle to be in, was in a similar state with booze, meph and mdma awhile ago, put me in such a twisted negative mindset, cycle of self destruction... bad loop, meph was the worst thing for me, put me in a similar mindset your in now... hopeless despair, life feeling like a burden destraction and a waste of time, such a feeling of pointless worth and negativity. very depressive for awhile. maybe get some help or lay off drugs

 

[Dave]

^ Excellent advice.

Don't beat yourself up about not fixing everything about yourself all at once. Sure, the drugs aren't helping, so why not try weaning yourself off? Black and white thinking, especially when it comes to your own behaviour, is terribly unhealthy. Small, cumulative changes work best for long-lasting behavioural change. Find out how much you do over a normal week, and then just keep it to that for a week. Following that, reduce it by some small amount, and then keep reducing it by that amount until you're hardly taking anything and can take the last big step with no trouble.

Speaking to a counsellor would certainly help, and I'd even step it up one notch and say that it would be good to see a general psychologist. Intrusive thoughts are not that uncommon, but they can be controlled with the right mental tools. I used to have some horrible self-talk, and while the occasional jibe still gets in, for the most part I've been able to learn how to prevent it from happening and how to deal with it when it does. With help from my psychologist, of course.

Regarding your title: the implication is that you're asking if there is any 'point' to life, yes? I'd answer 'no' to that question, in that there is no purpose to our lives external to ourselves. Even the most famous among us will be forgotten in a millenium, and far sooner still if humans stay marooned on this rock. But that's irrelevant; our time to live is now, and it is our privilege to make whatever life we can for ourselves. Some are easier than others -- namely the socially accepted suburban breeder roles -- but that doesn't make them any less valid per se.

 

[Mugz]

I guess the discussion about the first half of my title is more of a topic for P&S to be honest, it just weighs on my mind a lot and is related to the thoughts of death that I get a lot. In response to what you said though, I don't think that achieving recognition should be anyones goal for life, that is what your answer seems to suggest the only possible reason for life could be. I guess I kind of meant is there a reason for living beyond just that, is there something that we should be doing to further ourselves spiritualy? or should we just try and enjoy all of the distractions that life has put on offer for us? I guess maybe finding the balance between the two is the answer, and not just giving up and switching off and waiting for the inevitable?

I'm feeling slightly better today, but still mainly feeling depressed and unmotivated to do anything at all but sit here in front of either the computer or the TV.

Nike got it right I guess "Just do it" I guess I need to "Just do the things that I know I need to do" and worry about the bigger issues once I have sorted out my smaller day to day issues.

I think I did say in my OP though that I do find it incredibly easy to figure out all of the answers, but incredibly hard to act on them. I need to adopt a Nike attitude, but don't know how to get the kick start.

I really do know that some more professional help would probably be a really good idea, but I want to figure this out and do it for myself, just to show that I can. I know I am posting here asking for help, so it isn't totally on my own, but I think that I can definitely do this on my own, is just getting those first few steps done and then I should be able to carry on.

I'm going to start a blog and write in it daily to try and help motivate myself I think that will help me a lot.

 

[Dave]

Capital idea! :D

I didn't quite mean that the goal of life is recognition, although it does read like that. More like: nothing we do matters outside of our own context, therefore there is no purpose to life outside of our own context. But, we can choose and shape our context to give our lives meaning within it, if that makes any sense?

 

[Captain.Heroin]

The following is just my 2 cents, interpret it whatever way you'd like to.

In some pretty deep m-holes I thought I found the answer and the answer was that I had to stop me heart, to end my life, I felt that I was capable of doing that at the time

This is just a sensation and it's totally a hallucination/delusion. Don't let this type of sensation/hallucination/delusion (there really isn't any one solid word for such a thing) lead you to believe you should end your own life.

I have came to similar "answers" but this isn't what you should be concluding IMO.

If anything I'd analyze why you feel this way, why you thought this was the answer, re-evaluate, and try to make corrections/growing past the negative parts of your life so that the positive parts are more rewarding/enjoyable.

It can especially seem hard, especially when you are convinced ending your life is the right thing to do. But it's not! What if your life were to have gotten better, 1, 5, 10 years down the road? You can't come back from ending your life, so there's no sense in doing it. Living out your whole life, having a natural death, is better, and at least there won't be unanswered questions like "what would my life had been like had I kept on living?" and such - you don't want these types of questions to haunt you at the end of your life.

Finally you can always PM me Mugz I hope you are doing OK.

not doing mephedrone anymore, I have still been doing other drugs though, although I am trying to cut down on that, but failing at that too. I need to get off all the drugs to be honest for a long period of time, but I have tried that before and failed at that too. I guess I need to stop assuming that I will fail at everything that I try as it will just become a self fulfilling prophecy and I will destroy myself and end up in a worse place than I am now, or dead.

Try quitting 1 drug at a time, starting with the drug that is the least medicinal/most addictive. Take your time with it, use the resources here at Bluelight to form a reasonable, doable tapering plan.

You have total control over your own life so if you don't want to do this, you don't have to... but I think it's what will help from what you're saying.

Also; congratulations on not using mephedrone. I am aware how addictive this drug has been for some people. You are lucky to have stopped using it!

 

[ColtDan]

mephedrone is devilish, depressing shite. such a skanky head fucking comedown

 

[Mugz]

Capital idea! :D

I didn't quite mean that the goal of life is recognition, although it does read like that. More like: nothing we do matters outside of our own context, therefore there is no purpose to life outside of our own context. But, we can choose and shape our context to give our lives meaning within it, if that makes any sense?

I've created the blog and youtube channel to go along with it, I genuinely think that making the video blog entries using my alternate persona to stay anonymous in some way and writing blog posts in more detail to go along with the videos is going to give me a project to keep me entertained and "Distracted" I guess. I have kind of decided that even though I have come to the conclusion that life is just a massive distraction from death, I may as well try and enjoy the distractions along the ride.

The following is just my 2 cents, interpret it whatever way you'd like to.

In some pretty deep m-holes I thought I found the answer and the answer was that I had to stop my heart, to end my life, I felt that I was capable of doing that at the time

This is just a sensation and it's totally a hallucination/delusion. Don't let this type of sensation/hallucination/delusion (there really isn't any one solid word for such a thing) lead you to believe you should end your own life.

I have came to similar "answers" but this isn't what you should be concluding IMO.

I have pretty much decided not to die, the intrusive thoughts are there daily though and without the use of benzos they seem to increase so much more. Another thing, there are some people who through deep meditation have managed to slow down their heart beat enough to actually stop it, so it isn't actually impossible to conceive of doing this in a deep m-hole.

If anything I'd analyze why you feel this way, why you thought this was the answer, re-evaluate, and try to make corrections/growing past the negative parts of your life so that the positive parts are more rewarding/enjoyable.

It can especially seem hard, especially when you are convinced ending your life is the right thing to do. But it's not! What if your life were to have gotten better, 1, 5, 10 years down the road? You can't come back from ending your life, so there's no sense in doing it. Living out your whole life, having a natural death, is better, and at least there won't be unanswered questions like "what would my life had been like had I kept on living?" and such - you don't want these types of questions to haunt you at the end of your life.

Finally you can always PM me Mugz I hope you are doing OK.



Try quitting 1 drug at a time, starting with the drug that is the least medicinal/most addictive. Take your time with it, use the resources here at Bluelight to form a reasonable, doable tapering plan.

You have total control over your own life so if you don't want to do this, you don't have to... but I think it's what will help from what you're saying.

Also; congratulations on not using mephedrone. I am aware how addictive this drug has been for some people. You are lucky to have stopped using it!

Thanks for the reply CH, I don't think that after death there would ever be any regrets, for multiple reasons, the main being we don't know exactly what there is for us after this life.

Also, regarding the drugs, the one that I want to get off most is the most medicinal but also the most addictive. I'm going to be cutting out stimulants first of all though as they are the drugs that have gotten me into my current state if I am to tell the truth, they have messed me over at work, and have caused a few psychotic episodes now. They have to be out of my life if I am to repair my life. After that it will be alcohol, then I will work hard on getting off the benzos.

I've been thinking a bit more positively the last day and a bit, am still pretty unmotivated to do much at all at the moment. I've been making some long term goals based on traveling and volunteer work in Peru though, is something that I really want to do, but will only get there if I pull myself out from the ashes and rise again.

The only good thing that I did today was create my new blog

 

[Dave]

life is just a massive distraction from death, I may as well try and enjoy the distractions along the ride

I think that as long as you don't use this as an excuse to slide into blind hedonism, this is as good a worldview as any.

I'd love to see your vlog once you get it going-- please PM me the details if that's okay with you.

 

[Legerity]

I generally take the same approach of wanting to do things alone without outside help. It's pretty much impossible to do so 100% although we can always limit outside influences. I've found the problem with this is that if I'm having a difficulty then it often needs a perspective outside my own in order to see things differently. But at the same time I need to be able to integrate this other perspective in order for it to have any significant effect. Just listening to what somebody says and following it hasn't always been as helpful as I would have liked. I find it can be quite difficult.


I have so many things right now that need addressing that I can barely think about it without shutting down and crawling into bed for days. Calm down, focus on one step at a time, and take action. That's what I'm starting to do for myself anyways because nothing else has worked.

 

[herbavore]

Hey Mugz, I went to your vlog (is that right?) and I think it is a great idea but also I am really curious about the great skull you are using? Did you make that? because I love it!

Also, just wanted to say that getting professional help IMO is still doing it on your own. It's you that brings up the hard stuff and you that works through the discomfort and you that determines the direction the therapy takes--at least if it is going to do you any good, so I do think that it is very much you doing it on your own. It is just a tool to be evaluated like any other; does it help or not?

So much of what you are going through is existential. I find that when a person gets to that level, the deepest healing and the most profound growth takes place.Legerity and CapH have it right about the one step at a time as far as the other problems go. I love that first step, Leg, calm down. That's the one I usually forget which really makes the next two near impossible.

 

[Redlite_GrnRight]

All I can say is try and take a step back and separate yourself from your thoughts. Like, when i'm spiraling out of control into my cycle of depression/anxiety, it helps a little if i can remember that everything is temporary. All my feelings, emotions, thoughts, even beliefs/ideas whatever are all just temporarily in front of me. Your perspective is always growing and changing. I know it doesn't fix anything, but sometimes it helps me slow down a little when i feel like everything is crashing down.

best wishes, man

 

[Mugz]

I generally take the same approach of wanting to do things alone without outside help. It's pretty much impossible to do so 100% although we can always limit outside influences. I've found the problem with this is that if I'm having a difficulty then it often needs a perspective outside my own in order to see things differently. But at the same time I need to be able to integrate this other perspective in order for it to have any significant effect. Just listening to what somebody says and following it hasn't always been as helpful as I would have liked. I find it can be quite difficult.


I have so many things right now that need addressing that I can barely think about it without shutting down and crawling into bed for days. Calm down, focus on one step at a time, and take action. That's what I'm starting to do for myself anyways because nothing else has worked.

I really think that I am going to get through this without "professional help" I know you guys here in TDS are not professionals but reading great replies like the two I have quoted here and all of the other great replies, and reading seemingly unrelated threads and the replies to them too gives me a lot of different perspective and ways of thinking that I can pick and choose which to integrate into my life and which to say "yeah that is a good idea, maybe for the future" and others that will just not be right for me.

It has been my experience with mental health professionals that they pick a way that usually works for them and then they force you to try and do things that way. Another thing, if I were to end up feeling like this again say whilst I was out volunteering in Peru then I would like to have my own set of tools and be confident of getting through it without having to rely on anyone out there to sort me out.

Hey Mugz, I went to your vlog (is that right?) and I think it is a great idea but also I am really curious about the great skull you are using? Did you make that? because I love it!

Hey, I'm not quite sure, I think vlog is the right word, not sure if it is in the dictionary yet though, lol. About the skull, I didn't make it, it was a gift from a friend of my mums almost 20 years ago now I would say, I'm not entirely sure what it is made of, I think it is some sort of modelling clay. My mums friend did however paint it from scratch. It is one of my favourite things in the world, and I thought it would be the perfect figurehead for my vlog, just need to get more confident speaking into the camera and I will be all set. I plan on making daily videos to upload to the blog, as the first one said, most will be boring, and noone should be listening according to the blog name

Also, just wanted to say that getting professional help IMO is still doing it on your own. It's you that brings up the hard stuff and you that works through the discomfort and you that determines the direction the therapy takes--at least if it is going to do you any good, so I do think that it is very much you doing it on your own. It is just a tool to be evaluated like any other; does it help or not?

So much of what you are going through is existential. I find that when a person gets to that level, the deepest healing and the most profound growth takes place.Legerity and CapH have it right about the one step at a time as far as the other problems go. I love that first step, Leg, calm down. That's the one I usually forget which really makes the next two near impossible.

haha, yeah I often forget that calm down step too. I guess also because my dopamine system has been forever(well maybe not forever) compromised by stims and other drugs I seek instant results and am disappointed if I don't get them. I need to change my way of thinking there though as that is a very bad way of thinking, as instant results wont be the 100% kind of results that I am actually looking for that come with time and taking thing at a slower pace, they will be more like 60%, and I'll just end up falling back down looking for the extra 40%. One step at a time, one day at a time is most definitely the way forway

 

[Asclepius]

I really think that I am going to get through this without "professional help" I know you guys here in TDS are not professionals but reading great replies like the two I have quoted here and all of the other great replies, and reading seemingly unrelated threads and the replies to them too gives me a lot of different perspective and ways of thinking that I can pick and choose which to integrate into my life and which to say "yeah that is a good idea, maybe for the future" and others that will just not be right for me.

It has been my experience with mental health professionals that they pick a way that usually works for them and then they force you to try and do things that way. Another thing, if I were to end up feeling like this again say whilst I was out volunteering in Peru then I would like to have my own set of tools and be confident of getting through it without having to rely on anyone out there to sort me out.

Mugz, I can totally relate to your OP here. I get plagued by thoughts of ideation when I am depressed and usually I can fend it off with help and by reaching out to people, or willingly and consciously letting the positive things in life in and have an effect on me. However, sometimes I feel I have no control over this. This is a really vulnerable situation to be in when this happens. I empathise with your dilemma with regard to professional help.

What im trying to say is keep your mind/attitude open to change if needs be-whatever you need to do to keep yourself genuinely healthy and balanced-do! I have ambiguous attitudes toward Mental Health systems(some work brilliantly for individuals some don't) and I hold no flag for them, per se- healthy scepticism and an open mind to whats 'right' is healthy, I believe.
However I would hope for your sake that you will be empowered enough to use it; if it benefits you.

It is a good attitude to have to not be overly dependent on any system but to be able to keep your needs and necessities a priority; in conjunction with being creative about how you approach these things. If dealing with a professional it is important that they understand they are there to facilitate you in your life(this is their job, this is what they get paid for!) and also, that you have back up systems to support yourself in dealing with any mental health professional who you think/feel may be thwarting your independence and personal freedom and/or that you feel unsure of .

In essence, what im saying is once you are being honest with yourself and keeping yourself in check with people who you trust, as well as yourself, it is okay to be creative about using these systems without buying into the air of dogmatism that some can exude. It is possible to challenge it, rise above it, or leave and search for alternative help. Just keep yourself empowered, for your betterment and as much as you can in whatever decision you make. Remember nothing ever has to be 'set in stone', plans can be tentative and subject to change.