Approaching

I used to be pretty fuckin' slick. Always on-point, walking around with my dick swingin' proud.

That shit stopped a few years ago. I'm real close to 40 years old and I'm beat the fuck down and worn the fuck out.

So, this thing I'm doing, chasing distractions from myself is winding down. Definitely coming to an end. How it ends is vague but I can determine the severity of the negative aspects of this surrender.

But I won't.

I'll just let it run to its natural end. That kinda end is never pleasant. At the least it will be the revelation of realities and the severity of my 'sickness' to those I care about and this will hurt them. At the worst... well, we know that fuckin' answer all too well, don't we?

I can't even believe how bad I have let it progress but I can't do a fuckin' damn thing about it.

That fuckin' need is there and always will be. I can't fight it so why the fuck bother? I gota surrender to the fact that this game is fuckin' rigged. That monster is a meaner mother fucker than I will ever be. My monster is still walkin' around with its dick swingin'. Me? I'm broke the fuck down.

Yeah, its approaching the end. For some reason I think it will be positive regardless of all the negative that's gonna happen.

Ain't so fuckin' slick, now.

Really not sure if I ever was.

 

I'm not to sure which end you're hoping for here, but you've beaten this before and there's no reason why you can't do it again. All things are impermanent; both good and bad. The bad things only hurt us when we hold on to them. The longer we hold, the harder they hurt.

I haven't been through what you have; not even close. But I do know that inside you, like everyone else, there is a core of goodness. On top of that core are layers and layers of accumulated baggage. Some good, much of it bad. The layers come and go at times during our lives, but the core is still there, and remains inviolate no matter how contaminated some of the outer layers might be.

Don't extinguish your core for the sake of a rotten, old layer of baggage lying on top of it.

 

Dave, that's deep and I thank you. I value you're perspective, intelligence and wisdom.

I made a huge accomplishment today. I was on my way to the city to cop and I actually turned around and came home. That's HUGE. Typically, my car goes into auto-pilot once I get on that highway regardless of whether I want to score or not. Sometimes we just HAVE to cop. There is no choice involved. That need drives us but this time I drove the fuck home and beat that need.

Death isn't an option for me. Suicide is out of the question and fo some odd reason I don't see me dying by overdose. So what's left? Life. Living it as opposed to just existing in it. Accepting that this shit I'm doing just isn't me.

Its a slow fuckin' process but I do believe at least the process is started.

 

Glad to hear it man. Choose life. You don't have to live it 'normally', but it sure as shit beats the alternative.

And way to go for turning around! That is a massive accomplishment, and it is great that you're recognizing it as such.

 

What is your typical using week like these days OD? Did it start out just once and how long did it progress till you felt out of control again. I take it IV coke and occasional heroin. Do you have some sort of plan? Do you still have that job? Are you thinking of checking in somewhere or is that out of the question?

sorry alot of questions but I wouldnt mind hearing the answers.

peace.
seedless

Like dave said, you KNOW you can do this. The longer you wait the harder it will get. Have you thought about getting a new dog to help you with the process?

 

hey bagochina... you actually have just helped me get off my ass and write about the progression and what led up to the original 'relapse'.

I've been avoiding it because I want to be truthful and the truth can hurt some IRL friends that are aware of my activity here on Blogs. I lied and manipulated and have done some slimy shit in the last coupla months (comes with the territory as we know all too well).

The longer I wait to write the more vague the details because of memory loss.

Short answers... no I don't have a plan, really. I do know I need to find something that I can be passionate about.

I no longer have the job, unfortunately... i guess that's typical as well of the lifestyle.

I had thought about checking in somewhere but pride and the fear of the immediate commitment that involves. The thing is, rehab sounds REAL good when I think about eating three solid meals a day. Sadly, that may be the motivator for that option. Food. We'll see...

I'll follow up a little later...

 

Nothing wrong about getting three squares man. And if getting a bit more irl support for getting clean once more is a side effect, then all the better!