Mental Health Approaching one year sober, don't really feel that great...

[bennyZA]

You haven't really been clean then, if you're still using weed. If you're in a sub program, OK, that's treatment, I can understand, but if you're using weed, well, you're using drugs and you haven't been "clean".

I just had a ridiculously lively debate about that with someone, but here's my take on the weed and subs. Something that needs to be said is this: I have a severe neurological disorder I was diagnosed with when I was 20, and it was really, really hard to deal with. I used to roll, trip, blow coke, and drink like there was no tomorrow as self-medication. A couple years back I got into a really bad accident because of it. Shattered my left knee, and broke both shoulders (yes, shoulders, not arms)... was prescribed 3x80mg oxy a day. Immediately was hooked. My life was a cluster fuck of partying, drugs, and gaps in my memory. Before I knew it, I stopped doing "fun" drugs and was drinking a 1/5th + a night, and untold amounts of opiates. That's my drug life.

My current life of working, getting up on time, going to sleep early, not going out at night, taking care of my hygiene (yea I know, it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but it was very symbolic for me). This is my non-drug life. I smoke weed a few times (at most) a week. The weed and the subs are the only things I have for the pain, and let me tell you this, you'd be crying for some pk's stronger than subs if you knew what I have to live with. I've haven't felt this clearheaded in years. To me, I'm clean, and that's all that matters. I know a lot of people in treatment consider all substances (except caffeine and nicotine) as evil. Well, weed for me is a way to be pain free and relaxed for a short amount of time. Clean is a different definition for everyone, I'm not a 12-stepper so I don't have to abide by any of those rules (not that I have anything against them).

I also take kpins for the neuro disorder, but I don't even feel those, so I don't consider them an issue, although I'm going to try and get off them.

All that said, I'm still nostalgic for "fun" drugs, but I know that my path in this world will never let me lead a normal life. I'm very much going to try and doing residential practice at the monestary (where I won't be able to smoke weed anymore, I know). I think, in a way, the fact that I don't think I can live on my own again (every time I have the crib to myself.... well... I still have too much temptation, despite my excellent recovery) is showing me that I am destined for a different place. We'll see. On the 2/27/13 I've been invited by a monastery for two weeks of in depth study, let's see how it goes.

 

[fifleman]

What works for you and is better than what you were doing yesterday is all that matters. However, do not change the meaning of clean or sober to fit your own personal needs. I believe this fits well under manipulation by the mind for your own personal cause. This is neither good nor bad.

The best mind-altering drug is truth. The truth is that you are not sober and that is OK. It apparently helps make your pain more manageable and that sounds like it is important for you. However, do not try and re-stitch the shoe to fit your foot. The truth needs no justification and can stand on its' own.

 

[phactor]

I'm shunned from meetings cause 1, I don't have the time, and 2 they tell me not to come back 'till I stop smoking weed. Oh, and on the college front, I turned into an addict and heavy drug user while in college. Thanks though, I really appreciate the responses guys.

Doesn't mean you cannot return (maybe to a different college) at some point. I know when I went away to school I got out of control (I was young). I later returned to a 4 year school in my city and basically had 3 of the best years of my life. I had my shit together, was learning a ton, wasn't really using anything besides beer and marijuana (I had a few binges but always had responsibility).

My major mistake upon graduating was taking a job that dealt with some pretty severe emotional issues. I once again started a spiral down again. Thankfully I was able to get out of both the job and off of opiates for good. I used sub for 8 months but tapered off. Once I got off I started drinking a bit to heavily, but I am totally sober again and it has been much much easier this time.

I got pretty bored when I was totally sober too. Its hard in my mid sized city as most of the recovery community is dominated by the 12 steps. However, I have found a non stepper therapist. That seems to help. I know now that I have to occupy my time better. I am trying to get into grad school and have been delaying the whole thing. Now its time to get serious. I have a transcript review next week which should start the process.

Would you be willing to try an SSRI or maybe drop the marijuana for a bit?

 

[herbavore]

So good news... I just started to attend my local Buddhist temple on a regular basis, they have a group of 25-35 who do a lot of stuff together. It's been really cool. Met a lot of cool people, and by the very nature of Buddhism, these people are very accepting, kind, and just all around good people.

Oh, did I mention the girls are smokin hot

This makes me happy on so many levels. "Smoking hot" Buddhist girls! Yay!