GentlemanLoser
Ex-Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2006
- Messages
- 0
(Another internal rant put to type. Thanks to anyone who reads it.)
I can't just shove you in the right direction. But you can shove me. The power you've aquired over my existance is one of the few constants in my days and nights. Why? I shouldn't care.
I care.
I shouldn't. But I do. I care more than you'll ever believe.
So that Next Time rolls around, and unexpectedly you throw yourself in front of me again. Nothings changed, just our locations and bad habits. Mine is chemcial, yours is emotional. We both want to go sober but we both can't face that right now. Maybe never.
So here I am again and I know it will happen some more before I learn my lesson. I don't want to learn. I love the ignorance because I love you. Ages seem to have run-by since Then, but when I say it to myself "I Love You" it still feels right in all the wrong ways.
Distance doesn't matter. Sanity doesn't matter. My wants and wishes? Those are irrelevant too. I put up a barrier and you know you'll get past it. Given 20-minutes you can always soften me up. Armor isn't inpenetrable, a shame. Neither is my Wall.
I can build it higher and higher. The end result is you still win. I still let you crawl back and make me your Last Resort. Your Unconditional support. Sure, tell me about your soon-to-be fiance. Tell me about all your lovers. Tell me about how your family hates me. I'll be crass and vicious at first, but it always ends with me crying into a shot glass at 3a.m.
You bait me. I swallow it, hook and all and you tear out what little pride and confidence I've managed to accumulate. It's yours, take it, I don't care just don't leave me again. Let me think there is a chance. Let that be my reason to keep going because once you're back thats all I have. Promises that never are fullfilled. It's alright, don't tell the truth, I'm use to it.
I'll always be there and I hate it. By applying your force of personality and all the things that make me love you, you will always have me. In mind and body and in any other way you want because I'm weak. Because I'm tied to you in some way I can't explain. I can't love you. But I can't hate you. Where the hell does that leave me?
The sky looks like a chemical spill set ablaze with that look you give me when you smile. It lights up my shadowed existance, and shows you the parts that no one else sees. You know me too well. I know you too well. Thats how I know this will always end in a dramatic and violently unpleasant fashion.
History Repeats. I never learned that lesson. Maybe I did? But I just ignore it, because thats 10 more seconds of praying you'll never leave. I hope for so little that it's a burst of amphetamine in my emotional center that I crave. You give me what I want, because then you get what you want. You missed your calling in life, you should've been a Politican.
Love is knowing when to use your power over another. It's missue is worse than what any enemy would ever force upon you, because and enemy does it out of malice. You pretend you don't.
My only hope is that someday you'll feel as awful as I do. Then I realize I feel guilty for wishing that kind of anguish on you. Confusion and me are best friends, and thanks to you we always will be.
I can't just shove you in the right direction. But you can shove me. The power you've aquired over my existance is one of the few constants in my days and nights. Why? I shouldn't care.
I care.
I shouldn't. But I do. I care more than you'll ever believe.
So that Next Time rolls around, and unexpectedly you throw yourself in front of me again. Nothings changed, just our locations and bad habits. Mine is chemcial, yours is emotional. We both want to go sober but we both can't face that right now. Maybe never.
So here I am again and I know it will happen some more before I learn my lesson. I don't want to learn. I love the ignorance because I love you. Ages seem to have run-by since Then, but when I say it to myself "I Love You" it still feels right in all the wrong ways.
Distance doesn't matter. Sanity doesn't matter. My wants and wishes? Those are irrelevant too. I put up a barrier and you know you'll get past it. Given 20-minutes you can always soften me up. Armor isn't inpenetrable, a shame. Neither is my Wall.
I can build it higher and higher. The end result is you still win. I still let you crawl back and make me your Last Resort. Your Unconditional support. Sure, tell me about your soon-to-be fiance. Tell me about all your lovers. Tell me about how your family hates me. I'll be crass and vicious at first, but it always ends with me crying into a shot glass at 3a.m.
You bait me. I swallow it, hook and all and you tear out what little pride and confidence I've managed to accumulate. It's yours, take it, I don't care just don't leave me again. Let me think there is a chance. Let that be my reason to keep going because once you're back thats all I have. Promises that never are fullfilled. It's alright, don't tell the truth, I'm use to it.
I'll always be there and I hate it. By applying your force of personality and all the things that make me love you, you will always have me. In mind and body and in any other way you want because I'm weak. Because I'm tied to you in some way I can't explain. I can't love you. But I can't hate you. Where the hell does that leave me?
The sky looks like a chemical spill set ablaze with that look you give me when you smile. It lights up my shadowed existance, and shows you the parts that no one else sees. You know me too well. I know you too well. Thats how I know this will always end in a dramatic and violently unpleasant fashion.
History Repeats. I never learned that lesson. Maybe I did? But I just ignore it, because thats 10 more seconds of praying you'll never leave. I hope for so little that it's a burst of amphetamine in my emotional center that I crave. You give me what I want, because then you get what you want. You missed your calling in life, you should've been a Politican.
Love is knowing when to use your power over another. It's missue is worse than what any enemy would ever force upon you, because and enemy does it out of malice. You pretend you don't.
My only hope is that someday you'll feel as awful as I do. Then I realize I feel guilty for wishing that kind of anguish on you. Confusion and me are best friends, and thanks to you we always will be.
