soulfly
Bluelight Crew
I haven't tasted apple crisp in over 5 months.
I miss your cooking...
I haven't made love in just as long...
I miss your body
I haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone in what feels like an eternity
I miss your mind
Someday i'd like to hear a soft voice other than my own
I miss your voice
I haven't seen a graceful movement from a single human being in god knows how long
I miss watching you dance
I'm feeling the need to reach out to you somehow, but my arms are about 2,000 miles too short.
I don't watch Lingo any more, and i cry every time the theme music to Six Feet Under begins.
It's a good thing the series finale of Oz has come and gone...
my bed is still empty, and it just seems to get larger every single night...
but I'm sure that someone is keeping you warm and holding you at night, and i hope that they don't sleep with their back to you. I hope they don't get mad when the cat starts crying at 3 O'clock in the morning because he's bored and wants to play, or maybe he's wondering where i am...
maybe he is feeling a fraction of the confusion and despair that I feel every day of my life now...
at least he is somewhere where he taken good care of. At least he has someone to hold him and tell him that he is loved.
I don't eat very often these days, not like i ever really did anyways. I'm too bored to eat, and i'm too tired to sleep, and i know in my heart that it didn't have to be this way. I cook occasionally, but my roommate doesn't eat much either...so my creations always ended up wasted on the top of a trash barrell that usually needs to be taken out. I make extra coffee every morning, and by the time i get home from work, it's still sitting on the counter untouched, stale and lukewarm...and i proceed to dump it down the sink every day. I'm not used to wasting coffee ...
I did something i swore i'd never do, and my first appointment with a therapist is coming up in a couple weeks. I know that's all you ever wanted me to do...and even though it's too late, i hope it matters to you at least a little. The more i think about it, though...what will it change? I'll try, for you...even though you're not here and probably couldn't care less at this point...but i'll still try for you. It's the least i could do after the three years of shit i put you through...
Right now, i feel stranded in a place i don't recognize...and everyone is looking at me werid, obviously not understanding me.
I write a lot these days, and i'm currently on my second spiral notebook. From the minute i arrived back home, i started keeping a journal of my life on a daily basis. Some of it is kind of scary...some of it is beautiful. No one will ever read these words, though...until i am dead and gone and forgotten at least.
I drink an awful lot these days, which probably isn't the brightest idea considering the long history of alcoholism in my family, but it's the only way that i can find any sort of sleep at night. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and wonder where i am, wondering where you are, and why there isn't a mound of fur sleeping at my feet...something else to talk to my therapist about i suppose.
The dreams at night are the worst, though. Images designed to tear away my sanity, to make me wake up and tie my stomach into knots. Pictures of people touching places only i was allowed to touch, speaking words to you that should have only come from my lips. Images too vile to even repeat, and although i rarely remember my dreams...these ones will be forever burned into my mind, and i will carry them with me throughout my days... trying not to sob at my desk too loudly...but i know everyone can hear me. Why bother hiding it anymore? This is who i am now... my cries resonate loudly within my hollow, empty shell of a body...
I don't go out very much these days... i'd rather sit in my bedroom playing on my Xbox and staring at the walls.
I have not let go, and i'm not even close to moving on...although i have tried. I'm not feeling too confident in the idea that there actually may be someone else out there for me someday. I guess it's just as well, I've given up trying anyways.
I'm not exactly what most would refer to as "a catch"... but all i have to offer is honesty. What good is honesty if i'm constantly lying to myself by telling myself that there is something else out there for me? My friends can tell me that there's hope until they are blue in the face, but nothing seems to change the emptiness that i feel inside.
I don't even know why i am writing these words...but regardless, i am, and i hope you will read them. I hope your family knows that i miss them as well, and that I love them... and someday maybe they will forgive me for what i have done, and possibly for what i may do someday. I hope that they know that this is not the way i wanted everything to end up... i hope your mother didn't burn the yellow bunny, and i hope your father hasn't said anything too hurtful about me.
The word "love" is no longer in my vocabulary... love is dead and buried. Love is the blackest of black...love is a fucking virus with no cure. Love simply does not exist anymore. My heart bleeds pure ice that not even a hot island song can melt.
Everything is different now, my whole life has been turned upside down, and maybe it's too soon to tell whether it's a good thing or not. I don't know where i'm going to go from here, and god knows how i'm going to get there. I've had your faith and support holding me up for three years, and now it just feels like someone kicked the coffee table on which I have built my house of cards. This is why i know i need help, because without some sort of support from someone, your fear of finding me lifeless on the bathroom floor could easily become a reality. I feel like i owe you this much...even if you never find out about it.
I guess i'll end this now, i just felt that this was something that i needed to get out of me. Again, i hope you will read this...because this was written for you. Even though I can't see you or feel you anymore, i want you to know that i still live and breathe for you in a way... that when i cry myself to sleep tonight, it will be for you, and out of regret for the decisions i have made in my life. I'm praying that someday it will all get a little easier...that time may finally begin to heal my wounds that life has caused me, but instead every time i walk into a store and hear Dave Matthews, it's like a knife twisting in my heart, ripping my wounds open wider, until they pour crimson blood over my hands and onto the floor.
I just want you to know that nothing is the same, and that i may have blown my one chance at having something meaningful in my life...and for that i am more sorry than you can ever imagine. If you haven't completely forgotten who i am, and if your life ever brings you back to my side of the country... please consider letting me back into it someday, in whatever way you feel comfortable with. I'd like to get to know you again someday...and maybe by then i'll be closer to being the person that you wanted me to be, the person i should be...or maybe by then you will have forgotten about me all together. Maybe by then the thought of my arms around you might make your stomach turn...and the sight of my face might make you want to smash it in with the closest blunt object. Maybe i'll never even get the chance...
I learned so much from you... about trying to eat round meals, about working hard, and what love really is suppose to be like. I feel like i could have learned so much more from you...and part of me still hopes that i will. but, for what it's worth, i wear my seatbelt every single time i get into a car now.
I miss your cooking...
I haven't made love in just as long...
I miss your body
I haven't had a meaningful conversation with anyone in what feels like an eternity
I miss your mind
Someday i'd like to hear a soft voice other than my own
I miss your voice
I haven't seen a graceful movement from a single human being in god knows how long
I miss watching you dance
I'm feeling the need to reach out to you somehow, but my arms are about 2,000 miles too short.
I don't watch Lingo any more, and i cry every time the theme music to Six Feet Under begins.
It's a good thing the series finale of Oz has come and gone...
my bed is still empty, and it just seems to get larger every single night...
but I'm sure that someone is keeping you warm and holding you at night, and i hope that they don't sleep with their back to you. I hope they don't get mad when the cat starts crying at 3 O'clock in the morning because he's bored and wants to play, or maybe he's wondering where i am...
maybe he is feeling a fraction of the confusion and despair that I feel every day of my life now...
at least he is somewhere where he taken good care of. At least he has someone to hold him and tell him that he is loved.
I don't eat very often these days, not like i ever really did anyways. I'm too bored to eat, and i'm too tired to sleep, and i know in my heart that it didn't have to be this way. I cook occasionally, but my roommate doesn't eat much either...so my creations always ended up wasted on the top of a trash barrell that usually needs to be taken out. I make extra coffee every morning, and by the time i get home from work, it's still sitting on the counter untouched, stale and lukewarm...and i proceed to dump it down the sink every day. I'm not used to wasting coffee ...
I did something i swore i'd never do, and my first appointment with a therapist is coming up in a couple weeks. I know that's all you ever wanted me to do...and even though it's too late, i hope it matters to you at least a little. The more i think about it, though...what will it change? I'll try, for you...even though you're not here and probably couldn't care less at this point...but i'll still try for you. It's the least i could do after the three years of shit i put you through...
Right now, i feel stranded in a place i don't recognize...and everyone is looking at me werid, obviously not understanding me.
I write a lot these days, and i'm currently on my second spiral notebook. From the minute i arrived back home, i started keeping a journal of my life on a daily basis. Some of it is kind of scary...some of it is beautiful. No one will ever read these words, though...until i am dead and gone and forgotten at least.
I drink an awful lot these days, which probably isn't the brightest idea considering the long history of alcoholism in my family, but it's the only way that i can find any sort of sleep at night. I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and wonder where i am, wondering where you are, and why there isn't a mound of fur sleeping at my feet...something else to talk to my therapist about i suppose.
The dreams at night are the worst, though. Images designed to tear away my sanity, to make me wake up and tie my stomach into knots. Pictures of people touching places only i was allowed to touch, speaking words to you that should have only come from my lips. Images too vile to even repeat, and although i rarely remember my dreams...these ones will be forever burned into my mind, and i will carry them with me throughout my days... trying not to sob at my desk too loudly...but i know everyone can hear me. Why bother hiding it anymore? This is who i am now... my cries resonate loudly within my hollow, empty shell of a body...
I don't go out very much these days... i'd rather sit in my bedroom playing on my Xbox and staring at the walls.
I have not let go, and i'm not even close to moving on...although i have tried. I'm not feeling too confident in the idea that there actually may be someone else out there for me someday. I guess it's just as well, I've given up trying anyways.
I'm not exactly what most would refer to as "a catch"... but all i have to offer is honesty. What good is honesty if i'm constantly lying to myself by telling myself that there is something else out there for me? My friends can tell me that there's hope until they are blue in the face, but nothing seems to change the emptiness that i feel inside.
I don't even know why i am writing these words...but regardless, i am, and i hope you will read them. I hope your family knows that i miss them as well, and that I love them... and someday maybe they will forgive me for what i have done, and possibly for what i may do someday. I hope that they know that this is not the way i wanted everything to end up... i hope your mother didn't burn the yellow bunny, and i hope your father hasn't said anything too hurtful about me.
The word "love" is no longer in my vocabulary... love is dead and buried. Love is the blackest of black...love is a fucking virus with no cure. Love simply does not exist anymore. My heart bleeds pure ice that not even a hot island song can melt.
Everything is different now, my whole life has been turned upside down, and maybe it's too soon to tell whether it's a good thing or not. I don't know where i'm going to go from here, and god knows how i'm going to get there. I've had your faith and support holding me up for three years, and now it just feels like someone kicked the coffee table on which I have built my house of cards. This is why i know i need help, because without some sort of support from someone, your fear of finding me lifeless on the bathroom floor could easily become a reality. I feel like i owe you this much...even if you never find out about it.
I guess i'll end this now, i just felt that this was something that i needed to get out of me. Again, i hope you will read this...because this was written for you. Even though I can't see you or feel you anymore, i want you to know that i still live and breathe for you in a way... that when i cry myself to sleep tonight, it will be for you, and out of regret for the decisions i have made in my life. I'm praying that someday it will all get a little easier...that time may finally begin to heal my wounds that life has caused me, but instead every time i walk into a store and hear Dave Matthews, it's like a knife twisting in my heart, ripping my wounds open wider, until they pour crimson blood over my hands and onto the floor.
I just want you to know that nothing is the same, and that i may have blown my one chance at having something meaningful in my life...and for that i am more sorry than you can ever imagine. If you haven't completely forgotten who i am, and if your life ever brings you back to my side of the country... please consider letting me back into it someday, in whatever way you feel comfortable with. I'd like to get to know you again someday...and maybe by then i'll be closer to being the person that you wanted me to be, the person i should be...or maybe by then you will have forgotten about me all together. Maybe by then the thought of my arms around you might make your stomach turn...and the sight of my face might make you want to smash it in with the closest blunt object. Maybe i'll never even get the chance...
I learned so much from you... about trying to eat round meals, about working hard, and what love really is suppose to be like. I feel like i could have learned so much more from you...and part of me still hopes that i will. but, for what it's worth, i wear my seatbelt every single time i get into a car now.
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
the comparison was well done to 
