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Apologies all.

TheUltimateFixx

TheUltimateFixx

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 8, 2021
Messages
3,460
A couple days ago I posted what amounted to an imminent suicide post. Then went on to delete it. I've done this once or twice before and feel very bad about it.

Must seem like I'm playing around in some manipulative way to be attention-seeking like some wanker who needs to feel pitied to have a personality. I've encountered people like that and I DESPISE them.

The situation is I suffer from pretty bad PTSD, and also was diagnosed with major depression at age 12 after my first episode (lasting 6 months) . The consultant psychiatrist said they normally don't formally diagnose anyone with that until the person reaches maturity but my case was too clear-cut to withhold a diagnosis.

So basically it looks like my brain is constitutionally fucked (because I certainly had a wonderful happy childhood, the depression was endogenous). Then got more fucked with lots of shit added on top of that. And at regular intervals I seem to reach a breaking point where I feel like I can't take it anymore. This happens suddenly like a switch flicking ; there usually isn't any build-up (that I'm conscious of at any rate). I go from 'I might make myself a cup of tea' to 'I'm gonna slit my throat' in the space of 5 mins. The mood mostly passes as quick as it sets on, but while it lasts I'm in absolute hell and I have contemplated impulsive attempts at times. My strong survival instinct always kicks in and holds me back but I have overdosed and self-harmed several times when feeling overwhelmed like that.

I just felt I had to spell out the situation in case anyone here thinks I'm fucking around of attention-whoring (and I wouldn't even blame ya).
I feel deeply ashamed for blurting out all that shit that should've stayed in my own damn head. 'cause frankly, if I wasn't myself -? And read all that crap from someone else ESPECIALLY similar more than once -? Honestly I'd go ' oh quit faffing about and fishing for sympathy like some pathetic loser and just already top yourself like you keep whining you want to.'
 
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I think you post what many others will not or cannot.
Waiting on that tornado, though. ;) Meant as a joke but serious at the same time. What creatures we are, eh?
Thanks, brother.
Made me smile.
The love abides.
1
 
don't worry about it man, like you I was hit by severe depression at around 10/12 yo, never diagnosed until recent self diagnosis (believe it or not but heroin made me understand and open my eyes on many things), so just do what makes you feel better! btw are you still using opiates? I remember wrong or were you quitting it?
 
wirkdy said:
don't worry about it man, like you I was hit by severe depression at around 10/12 yo, never diagnosed until recent self diagnosis (believe it or not but heroin made me understand and open my eyes on many things), so just do what makes you feel better! btw are you still using opiates? I remember wrong or were you quitting it?
Click to expand...

Yeah I quit sometime ago. Not on my own initiative but to save my relationship.
 
A lot of things you said in this post kinda resonated with me. I'm pretty sure I've been depressed my entire life. Early childhood was pretty much fine, but then I had some (still unsolved) medical issues and the depression ended up getting much worse, and I got diagnosed with major depression when I was 8.

I've tried to kill myself in a rather serious way once (carbon monoxide...) and although I've always had suicidal ideation, this acute "I WILL do this now" feeling came on super suddenly, and I don't remember there being any particular trigger. It's like my mood is normally on an elevator that's kind of just sitting there and then someone cut the cables and I end up in the darkest, most painful parts of my mind and I cannot stand it. I've had that kind of switch a few times. I worry sometimes because I think the frequency of these moments is increasing as I get older. I don't ever want to feel that way again, but I'm pretty sure chances are high it's coming back some day. I think I might have a pretty big barrier to fixing my issues, in that I can't trust medical providers, so I struggle to be honest with them. Mental health ones especially. Anyway, I'm just rambling at this point.

I've also made some posts in moments of huge depression and deleted them. I don't think you're an attention-seeker. I feel like you probably wouldn't delete the post if you were, for one thing. If it's left there you'll get more attention, after all. I don't want to think that way about people who are obviously struggling anyway.
 
wE HAVe to make natural endorphins somehow. :rolleyes:

. . . . . . and banana bread ! :)


wOtblIc.gif


OxrRFPl.jpeg


trcX2YL.jpeg


banana ! <3

9mMsv5u.jpeg


k 👍
 
Takes a mature person to apologize like that. Hope it takes a load off your shoulders, too.
kiely said:
wE HAVe to make natural endorphins somehow. :rolleyes:

. . . . . . and banana bread ! :)


wOtblIc.gif


OxrRFPl.jpeg


trcX2YL.jpeg


banana ! <3

9mMsv5u.jpeg


k 👍
Click to expand...
Uber jealous of that banana bread. Must have quite the plug. But seriously, great post!
 
Prob good to post shit like thst when ur struggling mste. There’s some really supportive members on here. I’m not one of them though🤣
seriously though
Just ground urself. Breath. Keep pushing on
 
Dude, the majority of my post are either " Tired of this shit need help to quit opis and blow ASAP " or " I ve just bought a shitload of morphine, tips on getting as fucked as possible?." and " My nose is bleeding, alternative ways of using blow pls? " so I m kinda sending mixed signals myself I ld say......but setting aside the odd cunt there s lots of cool understanding people on here, so worry not e mande um abraço ao teu esposo :)
 
You are not pathetic or a loser homie. Only when someone is maliciously manipulating someone with threats of suicide in an aggressive manner does it become an issue. If a cry for help is honest or genuine in the moment, there is nothing wrong with it. Unfortunately there is still a lot of social stigma wrapped up in mental health issues, to the point that people don't feel comfortable expressing their emotions comfortably and feel ashamed to do so. I know this has at times been my experience.

I'm sorry you're struggling and I hope you know that this is a supportive place to bring those kinds of feelings and that we're not gonna think less of you for doing so.

I have deep and permanent physical and mental scars from the attempts I have made in the past. Thankfully, this last second survival instinct you mentioned has kicked in and I've made it through. But I don't wish this experience on anyone. Even though I've gotten a bit better, I still have lapses and I still have my really bad days, weeks, etc... It can be a lonely life, and if being there for someone else in any capacity helps them shoulder that burden, I am always willing. So feel free to reach out anytime if it's something you don't want to bring to the general public. If not me, reach out to someone else you're more comfortable or closer with, but do reach out, as that is what's important in those moments.
 
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