Apathy

I had a feeling last night when I saw Aimee's # on caller ID, that it would be an opportunity 2 score. The thing is, I was 2 low, 2 out of energy 2 even care, sort of like now. I'm trying to snap out of it. Depression is ruining my life. I can't seem to give a fuck on or off meth, especially off. Guess one of my connects really needs biz, cause he keeps trying 2 hook me up with a ride. Sigh. I know I'll need 4 later, especially during work week. I'm goddamned tired of sleeping all day, going 2 work, sleeping there 2 or struggling 2 stay awake. All this shit in spite of the supplements. I'd like to fast forward this horrific existence 2 something at least mediocre. I have thoughts of checking out, but won't only because death is not an escape. I'm glad Mom hasn't kicked me out cause this is the first time in 4 years I lived here I haven't been able to pay rent, although yeah I paid partial last month and will have to this month. The problem is I have no energy to get my shit done. It's a state of total apathy. I told Mom I was physically ill so that she wouldn't get in my face about not coming out of my room. On my days off w/o dope I sleep, piss, shower, go back to sleep, maybe watch TV. I just want to stay under a fucking rock and hide forever. I'm not worth a good goddamn off meth until the kick passes and who the fuck knows how long THATS gonna be? Last time 12 days went by, still the chronic fatigue/apathy. I'm fucking forced to use or sleep 24/7. I sent Dave a text too saying "Y is it whenever drugs are involved u blow up my goddamned phone w/o fail? Otherwise I don't hear so much as a fuck off from you." The message I got back was simply, "Because I've been a mindless zombie."

Fair enough. Still, I'm not going out of my way for friends that only bother with me when they want something. Fuck'em. Linda just called and said the shit this guy sold her is bunk, and there's no point wasting money I don't have on crap that his fuckhead girlfriend prolly cut all to hell.