Anyone else throw a wrench in the program?

[Kieko]

Why is it so hard to be normal? What is it about addicts that make us want to suffer so badly? I'm at a major crossroads in my life...long story short I've been an addict for 25 years, H and opiates my drugs of choice. I've been clean off of H for almost four years, but I cannot seem to kick this opiate habit. I have chronic pain, so I'm gridlocked into taking something, but I abuse my meds and even though I swear every day that I'm not going to take more than needed I always end up doing just that. There was a time where my addiction left me homeless and doing things that I'll never forgive myself for....now my life is good. I have a beautiful home, a career for the first time in my life, a husband that loves me. But he is VERY sick of my addiction, and today he actually told me that he wanted out of the marriage if things don't change. This is a man that I've been with on and off for 25 years, and we've been married for ten. He does not use at all, does not even drink, so his empathy for addiction is quite low.

I guess my question is why is it even harder when things are going right? A normal person uses to get out of pain....to forget the bad things going on around them. For me its the opposite, I seem to use more when things are right. I suppose its some deep rooted bullshit, something telling me that I don't deserve to be happy...I don't know. I just know that I'm sick of it, and I cant lose my husband over it, I just cant. So I made an appointment with a sub doc, I hate going that route but I need help and don't know what else to do. I hate the idea of trading one drug for another, but I cant do it alone, meaning I cant function without something. I hate that about myself, hate that a substance has that much control over me, hate that I'm a junkie. I think I want normal so badly, and than when I have it I just fuck it up.

 

[flyhighk]

The best thing you could do imo is get on either methadone or bupe. And then maintain the same dose. I wish you best luck, stay strong

 

[Kieko]

^thank you....I've made an appointment for a bupe doc, scared of methadone, heard too many horror stories about it. I'm sure bupe has its share too, just feel that its the lesser of the two evils.

 

[RedRum OG]

^this. have you tried maintenance before? it can save lives, saved mine

stops you from going through withdrawal, the cycle of getting high, and coming down and getting sick, and needing to find more drugs. you can basically live like a completely sober person, and unless you told someone, theyd never know

bupe is for smaller habits, isnt as strong, and easier to kick. methadone covers much more, stronger full agonist, but is harder to kick in the long run if you want to get off

you made a good choice by trying bupe first. i would recommend everyone try it before methadone. however some, like myself, still find it doesnt stop withdrawals or cravings enough, and can have some unpleasant side effects. hope it works for you though. if a few months on it doesnt work, consider methadone.

methadone and bupe can both be rough if you dont taper correctly. if you taper methadone slowly and correctly (when youre ready to be off maintenance) it can be pretty close to painless. but yes youre correct, methadone can have worse withdrawals in general, and because it doesnt have a ceiling dose like bupe does. the highest bupe would be effective would be comparable to maybe 20-30mg of methadone, it is impossible for it to "cover" more, so methadone doses go much higher, which is why it has the reputation of being worse

good luck

 

[T. Calderone]

Seeing a bupe doctor is a step in the right direction. I know you have pain issues and methadone is very effective for pain management. I'm not sure about suboxone, I only took it for a short while. Have you considered counseling with someone who specializes in addiction?

 

[Kieko]

I've been in 12 step programs, and was in a in house rehab once for almost a year. I stayed clean for four years after that, but that was over ten years ago. I am thinking about some type of counseling though, I'm ready to do anything at this point. To Redrum I've tried methadone, and didn't like it at all, made me nod really bad. And I've tried the sub strips, tried dosing myself and had problems with that, too much or too less, couldn't get the right dose. That's why I made a docs appointment, I want a doctor to be involved and I want to do it correctly. Just got off the phone with them actually, almost fainted at the cost....but hell I spend more than that in a week. My goal is to taper off and be opiate free, I don't want to be on maintenance for the rest of my life.

 

[Tude]

Good luck!

 

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya,

First of all I'm sending you a great big hug as I feel that you need one of those right now. You are so hard on yourself. You've overcome so much. Look what you have changed around. You were homeless but now have a home; you were jobless but now have a career. You now have a husband. I am sorry that things are not going very well in that department at the moment. Can I ask what you are currently using and what you have to place to try and overcome these? for example, do you go to meetings? Have you considered drug replacement therapy such as suboxone or methadone? Have you considered some form of couple counselling for you and your husband? I'm sorry to hear that he is not empathic with your addiction. Maybe you both need to sit down and explore what is going on for each of you.

You are welcome to PM (E-mail) me if ever you need someone to talk to ok. I always try and answer my messages.

Please keep typing, try to take care ok. Things will get better. As hard as it is, try thinking positive thoughts and do something for YOU like a nice, warm relaxing bath.