I went through a period of MDMA use in my early twenties.
I’m now approaching 40 and haven’t done MDMA or any other drugs for over a decade.
Unfortunately, my memory has never been the same since the drug-taking days, despite being clean for years.
I should preface by saying that if you met me right now, and we went and had a beer together, you probably wouldn’t suspect that I have memory problems at all. I present as a reasonably normal, fairly intelligent, friendly guy. Behind the scenes though my memory is very, very poor, and is affecting my quality of life.
I’ve been married for 12 years and over this period my wife has slowly come to realise how damaged my memory is. I had told her early-on that my memory is not what it once was, and she brushed it off as me simply talking my memory down, as so many people do (“Oh I’m terrible with names!”). Over the years though it has become increasingly apparent that my memory is not functioning as it should. For example, we were reminiscing about some of the experiences we have shared over the past 12 years and she was heartbroken by how little I could recall, even after her giving detailed blow-by-blow recounts. Birthday dinners she cooked, things we did on holiday…I don’t have even the faintest memory….she might as well be talking about someone else. Following this recent conversation, the true extent of my memory disfunction began to dawn on her, and she became deeply saddened that so much of our shared experiences are completely lost to me.
This is just one example among many. I mean, internally I KNOW my memory is seriously impaired. Very basic things, like remembering how to cook a recipe I’ve already prepared ten times in the past 12 months, or how to change the brake pads on my motorbike that I’ve done several times already, I can’t remember the steps.…like I’ve never done it. I know that before I took drugs I used to learn and retain these kinds of things very easily. Furthermore I can see others doing exactly the same things and being able to retain the process after one or two run-throughs, but not me. I could once but I can’t now.
I’m giving up on reading books too. I used to LOVE learning, and I find history, science, philosophy etc incredibly fascinating, but what’s the point? A few months after reading a book I will forget it entirely. After a year I can literally pick up a book and not realize I have read it until halfway though, if I realize at all. I can’t link what I’m learning now with what I learnt before…no ability to integrate new knowledge into exisiting since the existing has vanished. Where is the fun in that? Where is the fun in learning about some chapter of Roman history if I can’t remember any of what I’ve already about Roman Empire generally.
I’ll stop with those couple of examples as I’m sure you get the picture.
I don’t expect anyone here to offer me a solution to my memory woes, but I am interested to know whether others out there struggle with this?…….To this degree?
I’m now approaching 40 and haven’t done MDMA or any other drugs for over a decade.
Unfortunately, my memory has never been the same since the drug-taking days, despite being clean for years.
I should preface by saying that if you met me right now, and we went and had a beer together, you probably wouldn’t suspect that I have memory problems at all. I present as a reasonably normal, fairly intelligent, friendly guy. Behind the scenes though my memory is very, very poor, and is affecting my quality of life.
I’ve been married for 12 years and over this period my wife has slowly come to realise how damaged my memory is. I had told her early-on that my memory is not what it once was, and she brushed it off as me simply talking my memory down, as so many people do (“Oh I’m terrible with names!”). Over the years though it has become increasingly apparent that my memory is not functioning as it should. For example, we were reminiscing about some of the experiences we have shared over the past 12 years and she was heartbroken by how little I could recall, even after her giving detailed blow-by-blow recounts. Birthday dinners she cooked, things we did on holiday…I don’t have even the faintest memory….she might as well be talking about someone else. Following this recent conversation, the true extent of my memory disfunction began to dawn on her, and she became deeply saddened that so much of our shared experiences are completely lost to me.
This is just one example among many. I mean, internally I KNOW my memory is seriously impaired. Very basic things, like remembering how to cook a recipe I’ve already prepared ten times in the past 12 months, or how to change the brake pads on my motorbike that I’ve done several times already, I can’t remember the steps.…like I’ve never done it. I know that before I took drugs I used to learn and retain these kinds of things very easily. Furthermore I can see others doing exactly the same things and being able to retain the process after one or two run-throughs, but not me. I could once but I can’t now.
I’m giving up on reading books too. I used to LOVE learning, and I find history, science, philosophy etc incredibly fascinating, but what’s the point? A few months after reading a book I will forget it entirely. After a year I can literally pick up a book and not realize I have read it until halfway though, if I realize at all. I can’t link what I’m learning now with what I learnt before…no ability to integrate new knowledge into exisiting since the existing has vanished. Where is the fun in that? Where is the fun in learning about some chapter of Roman history if I can’t remember any of what I’ve already about Roman Empire generally.
I’ll stop with those couple of examples as I’m sure you get the picture.
I don’t expect anyone here to offer me a solution to my memory woes, but I am interested to know whether others out there struggle with this?…….To this degree?