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Depression Anyone else struggling today?

I always have hated the socially oblique crying in public transit type of emotionally expressive bouts of depression with just as much bitterness as the squandering away day after day when the only progress acheived is the exponentially piling outward nest of unwahsed clothes and shiny plastic waste that will become a sarcophogous in the end but you dont care type of depressive headspace, as an artist not creating anything in an apathetic place will become fuel for self doubt and guilty greivences of missed experiences i couldnt have cared less about experincing, that end up taking over my memories when im in the hyperemotional phase that comes before almost every pyschotic episode, relapse, mania, or turmoil of my career in depression.

I cant offer you anything more than condolences and to be seen, it gets better even if the better isnt good either, its always a worthwhile path to take, to see things through, bear the storm and maybe against the pessimistic or apocolyptic future we expect, well get to experience the feelings we didnt even realize we lost during the stay at the prison in our heads Its the very least we can do to refrain from taking the pen out of God boys hands to write ourself from a full life story to a tragic vignette if you catch my drift.

Depression sucked the life out of everyone i knew that had the parasite and ive seen them through eyes in and outside of depressed states of mind, and generally speaking the barriers and catastrophic fear, doom, hate, guilt, impotence, burdon, lonelyness, pain, regret, and shame are always mountains made of anthills. The problems we think are lifes ultimatums with no solution or answer other than to choose to buckle and collapse into rubble, are problems you most likely either one day will look back at and think was solvable and consequnces surviveable, or forgotten entirely and lost with time.



That is just my thoughts on the matter, i took meth to pick myself up after crashing on IV coke, so im a bit rambled splatterd and scrambled today, hope i offerd something of value to you in one way or another.
 
For me trying to focus my thinking helps. If I can focus on something I find interesting but not depressing it helps.

Thinking of the good things I have going in my life helps too; such as no current cancer diagnosis. Chemotherapy would be such a difficult thing to deal with, especially since I can't tolerate a lot of medications.

Just refuse to allow your mind to be dragged back to what is worrying you right now. Not always easy but I find it helpful.

😘❤
You got this!
 
bluecollartweeker said:
I always have hated the socially oblique crying in public transit type of emotionally expressive bouts of depression with just as much bitterness as the squandering away day after day when the only progress acheived is the exponentially piling outward nest of unwahsed clothes and shiny plastic waste that will become a sarcophogous in the end but you dont care type of depressive headspace, as an artist not creating anything in an apathetic place will become fuel for self doubt and guilty greivences of missed experiences i couldnt have cared less about experincing, that end up taking over my memories when im in the hyperemotional phase that comes before almost every pyschotic episode, relapse, mania, or turmoil of my career in depression.

I cant offer you anything more than condolences and to be seen, it gets better even if the better isnt good either, its always a worthwhile path to take, to see things through, bear the storm and maybe against the pessimistic or apocolyptic future we expect, well get to experience the feelings we didnt even realize we lost during the stay at the prison in our heads Its the very least we can do to refrain from taking the pen out of God boys hands to write ourself from a full life story to a tragic vignette if you catch my drift.

Depression sucked the life out of everyone i knew that had the parasite and ive seen them through eyes in and outside of depressed states of mind, and generally speaking the barriers and catastrophic fear, doom, hate, guilt, impotence, burdon, lonelyness, pain, regret, and shame are always mountains made of anthills. The problems we think are lifes ultimatums with no solution or answer other than to choose to buckle and collapse into rubble, are problems you most likely either one day will look back at and think was solvable and consequnces surviveable, or forgotten entirely and lost with time.



That is just my thoughts on the matter, i took meth to pick myself up after crashing on IV coke, so im a bit rambled splatterd and scrambled today, hope i offerd something of value to you in one way or another.
Click to expand...
Man I think you can write a book. You write very well.
Have a good afternoon!!
 
kongoman said:
Man I think you can write a book. You write very well.
Have a good afternoon!!
Click to expand...
Thanks, my psychosis is making this workday into a struggle, having to hold up a very hefty facade and discern whos voice really did call me to shipping receiving terminal 4, this time i wont be fooled, i swear.
 
Im sorry man. But you take a lot of stimulants that dont help with psychosis. I know that you know that but I have to tell ya.
I have to say that I dont understand some words that you use. Do you read a lot of books? You use a different language than the average.
 
kris66 said:
For me trying to focus my thinking helps. If I can focus on something I find interesting but not depressing it helps.

Thinking of the good things I have going in my life helps too; such as no current cancer diagnosis. Chemotherapy would be such a difficult thing to deal with, especially since I can't tolerate a lot of medications.

Just refuse to allow your mind to be dragged back to what is worrying you right now. Not always easy but I find it helpful.

😘❤
You got this!
Click to expand...
Thank you so much. I ended up doing okay once I got to work and had things to focus on. But I did end up crying on the way back home. I found out I didn't get the job I so desperately wanted. I've been vying for that position for about a month and a half now, gone to two in-person interviews, after doing an initial phone interview. I was desperately hoping for that job. It would have been life-changing. About a $20,000/year increase to what I'm used to making. So, I'm still a little sad about that. But the job search continues while I work part-time.
 
kongoman said:
Im sorry man. But you take a lot of stimulants that dont help with psychosis. I know that you know that but I have to tell ya.
I have to say that I dont understand some words that you use. Do you read a lot of books? You use a different language than the average.
Click to expand...
yeah I read a lot of books when I was in school, David Foster Wallace was my favorite fiction writer, i never read his most well known book 'infinate jest' it just couldt get me invested, but 'consider the walruss' and 'good old neon' never get old and feel fresh as a newborn if read today with today's states of minds. in highschool i mostly read non-fiction my favorites were Snoo voogelbrienders garden of eden, and Johnathan Ott's pharmacoetheon. I was a nerd in senior high but ive been self destructing since pre k. The stims were a stupid impulsive effort to get myself ready for a work day after night terrors kept me from resting since friday night, the psychosis is usually kept medicated but i just forgot to take them and then at the most ideal time my girlfriend started one of those arguments where the angry was taken away and replaced with apathy and exhustion.
 
Oh and I am just sick right now and I can't do anything. Thanx. <3

Can't focus.
 
I'm-Still-Alive said:
Thank you so much. I ended up doing okay once I got to work and had things to focus on. But I did end up crying on the way back home. I found out I didn't get the job I so desperately wanted. I've been vying for that position for about a month and a half now, gone to two in-person interviews, after doing an initial phone interview. I was desperately hoping for that job. It would have been life-changing. About a $20,000/year increase to what I'm used to making. So, I'm still a little sad about that. But the job search continues while I work part-time.
Click to expand...
Sorry that you are struggling. Keeping my mind distracted has helped more than any drug. Not easy especially when you are alone with your thoughts. When you start thinking of bad things try to listen to some good music or go down some YouTube rabbit hole, talk with us here or in the discord group.
Crying can be good, you're releasing a flood of emotions. Times when I've been crying after I seem to feel a bit better.
Just always remember people here are here for you and we do care about you ❤️
 
🌑⭐
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I'm-Still-Alive said:
Thank you so much. I ended up doing okay once I got to work and had things to focus on. But I did end up crying on the way back home. I found out I didn't get the job I so desperately wanted. I've been vying for that position for about a month and a half now, gone to two in-person interviews, after doing an initial phone interview. I was desperately hoping for that job. It would have been life-changing. About a $20,000/year increase to what I'm used to making. So, I'm still a little sad about that. But the job search continues while I work part-time.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry about the job. That's hard. But it sounds like you are keeping focused.

❤❤
 
Jen X said:
Sorry that you are struggling. Keeping my mind distracted has helped more than any drug. Not easy especially when you are alone with your thoughts. When you start thinking of bad things try to listen to some good music or go down some YouTube rabbit hole, talk with us here or in the discord group.
Crying can be good, you're releasing a flood of emotions. Times when I've been crying after I seem to feel a bit better.
Just always remember people here are here for you and we do care about you ❤️
Click to expand...
Thanks so much. I luckily am just trying to stay positive and feel better, and honestly, it's helping just being able to vent online. Learning that I didn't get that job really, really hurt, but I am moving forward. I know that's all I can do. It's hard, especially because my boyfriend kept really talking me up and saying that they would be insane not to hire me. But I'm young and don't have a ton of experience (while I have incredibly valuable experience, but that's besides the point).... I was scared to get my hopes up. I didn't want to be crushed when I didn't get the job.
 
kris66 said:
I'm sorry about the job. That's hard. But it sounds like you are keeping focused.

❤❤
Click to expand...
Thanks so much. I luckily am just trying to stay positive and feel better, and honestly, it's helping just being able to vent online. Learning that I didn't get that job really, really hurt, but I am moving forward. I know that's all I can do. It's hard, especially because my boyfriend kept really talking me up and saying that they would be insane not to hire me. But I'm young and don't have a ton of experience (while I have incredibly valuable experience, but that's besides the point).... I was scared to get my hopes up. I didn't want to be crushed when I didn't get the job.
 
I'm probably not as 'in too deep' as I once was but yes, been struggling intermittently for a few months now, also other well-wishers here and on other forums noted my decline in writing style, and strangers noted I seemed a bit down whenever I went out for a drink with some mates.

Once a semi-happy user (but in the back of my mind I wish I was just, well, 'naturally' happy without alcohol or others, like opiates or weed etc.), now alcohol is just a brief escape, a mood boost followed by hours of lows (pot used to be that +4, one of me faves and now guess what it gives me anxiety) and opiates I can actually barely even feel which is a dangerous slope given this is often how people OD, although I don't really use these anymore... chasing a high that may never come (cross tolerance with alcohol?). Had a good support network with me so far though, for the past few years always had nice online posters and folk in the real world helping me out.

Sometimes I think drink and benzos and heavy smoking (I may have a mild anxiety disorder but no panic) have actually atrophied my brain slightly, or possibly fried me receptors a lot hence the previous anhedonia, well I sort of got out of it, supplements made it temp better than worse I think, can't ask me doc for a brain scan/pet either due to pricing in the uk and the nearest hosptial for a one is like 30 miles away lol. Yep....

Temporary solution to this? More drink or drugs.
 
I want to get high. I think I am going to buy some coke when I have the money. It'll give me something to look forward to. I have nothing right now. I can't take this. I'm so depressed and I just want something. My boyfriend's mood swings are killing me. I want to be so supportive of him. My mental health is struggling so much though. I just want to be held. I still have to go into the fucking office tomorrow and I don't fucking want to. I miss my old job. I miss my friends. I hate this. I hate feeling like this. 2
 
So, I’m sitting on the bus… I’m in physical and emotional pain. I don’t want to go to work today. But I can’t call out of work yet, this job is too new. I’m depressed, I’m fucking bleeding like a sieve, even though I’ve done everything the doctor has told me to, taken every medication, done everything right. I just want to be normal. I want to see my friends. I want to not be in pain. I want everything to be normal. Fuck. I got yelled at yesterday at work for saying something to the wrong person and now I just don’t even want to go. I miss my old job. I don’t want to do this anymore. I want to be happy.
 
That's ridiculous that they yelled at you at work. Management at my job was horrible, but I'm retired now thank goodness. It was one bad manager after another and always about their ego.

But I'm a nurse and I enjoyed the patients and my co-workers. I do miss them. Hopefully you will find something about your job you like. Give it time.

😘❤
 
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