Any Combat Veterans Want To Vaguely Communicate? Trauma Shit VS. Who GAF?

[PtahTek]

This is not exclusive to veterans... everyone has suffered trauma.
Hey... not creating this thread to have a fucking pissing contest or talk about what we have done.
Basically it's here for how one feels and what helps one cope and move on.
Xanax used to help me deal with the general public without buggin' and getting all angry or something. It is not working and it is not a tolerance thing: I feel the effects but just doesn't work now. Been off it for a good while except to splurge once in a while. Managed to land a sweet job right in my back yard and love it. I can fall outta be and land at my station. I take a shower and all, though, just for the record. Off xannies and dealing with the public after years of not even wanting to leave the house. The job turned out to be very therapeutic and I kinda relied on it to maintain sanity and they rely on me to get that fucking food out fast as fuck (though it is not a fast food thing). Nothing but love there except the GM who lies, steals,
I am shaking (find it hard to type ATM) on my very familiar KB.
Angry as fuck at who knows what?
Occasional teary eyed (streams for a second or two).
Feels like my head is gonna freakin explode

OK.
Not here to cry.
Wanna know what you do when that (not gonna use the umbrella term) fucking manic stress hits you and nothing helps (or just takes the edge off).?
I do shit around the house... fixin shit and improvements.
Like to work on the bike and am in the midst of replacing some cracked/broken panels and pieces. Using fiberglass to make shit as needed or modify.
Yardwork... especially when it is hot as hell... love that.
Movies I love to watch (I could waste days watching stuff): Cannot do it while this BS stress/anxiety hits... been a while. Can't sit still enough for 5 minutes... distractions.

WTF do you do to keep from losing it?

Mods please move this to proper forum if not in the right place.
Love

Edit: Vaguely is in the post as some shit is buried and may be forgotten or blurry.

 

[Koreaninadesert]

I apologize for the incoherent nature of this post ahead of time.

So I’ve been having similar experiences myself, I am constantly armed, to the point of having designated day and night time pistols. Mags loaded and one in the chamber. I hear odd sounds (I live in a brand new house so the “new house sounds” still fuck with me).

I don’t trust anyone anymore and I’m severely depressed. On occasion I will stop what I’m doing and just break the fuck down. Constant anxiety and despair are the order of the day. I refuse to leave the house unless absolutely necessary, and even then I’m visibly agitated and look as if I’m trying to find someone to fight. If I see anyone near my vehicle when I leave the store my hand, by muscle memory, goes straight to my hip.

My memory is absolute garbage and I struggle to communicate more often than I care to admit. Honestly though the deck is stacked against us, and I don’t know what to do, so I isolate.

VA had me on Zoloft for depression, Valium for muscle spasms, trazadone for insomnia, meds for neuropathy changed a few times but included gabapentin, cymbalta, ameltryptaline(sp?) and one other one that I forget all the time.

 

[PtahTek]

On occasion I will stop what I’m doing and just break the fuck down. Constant anxiety and despair are the order of the day. I refuse to leave the house unless absolutely necessary, and even then I’m visibly agitated and look as if I’m trying to find someone to fight.

All of that here as well but no depression... don't know why.
Thank you for posting. It is very coherent for me.
I feel your pain and cannot fix myself yet so do not know what to offer....
I did fairly well for ~4 years at this restaurant but do not know what tomorrow brings. It all just fucking crashed in an instant. Not fired by any means but how freaking long will it take for me to psyche myself up enough to go "live" again?
It is literal hell, man. I know. I am trying not to feel it for a sec but it creeps into every freakin good thought, dream or motion regardless.
Wish I could heal us all dealing with this shit as I know I am not alone.
Is there nothing that distracts you even for a moment that makes you feel human again?
WTF? I wanna socialized but if I do there will be a confrontation (even if its not with me) and it disturbs me deeply so fuck it I will stay in my cave.
BTW: what is your DOC?
Thanks
tears gotdamnit

Edit: Didn't take long to psyche myself as opening shop tomorrow morning.
Fuck it... gonna push past it or go bust. Can't take my birthday from me....
As posted by another here: Gotta buck up, buttercup. Fuck the tears and agony; we got something to do.
Ha
Ha
Ha
Love

 

[PtahTek]

Maybe I do not get the depression because of kratom? it is very good for the mood boost. Just a thought.
assessing....

 

[Koreaninadesert]

All of that here as well but no depression... don't know why.
Thank you for posting. It is very coherent for me.
I feel your pain and cannot fix myself yet so do not know what to offer....
I did fairly well for ~4 years at this restaurant but do not know what tomorrow brings. It all just fucking crashed in an instant. Not fired by any means but how freaking long will it take for me to psyche myself up enough to go "live" again?
It is literal hell, man. I know. I am trying not to feel it for a sec but it creeps into every freakin good thought, dream or motion regardless.
Wish I could heal us all dealing with this shit as I know I am not alone.
Is there nothing that distracts you even for a moment that makes you feel human again?
WTF? I wanna socialized but if I do there will be a confrontation (even if its not with me) and it disturbs me deeply so fuck it I will stay in my cave.
BTW: what is your DOC?
Thanks
tears gotdamnit

Edit: Didn't take long to psyche myself as opening shop tomorrow morning.
Fuck it... gonna push past it or go bust. Can't take my birthday from me....
As posted by another here: Gotta buck up, buttercup. Fuck the tears and agony; we got something to do.
Ha
Ha
Ha
Love

At the moment meth has been my DOC, out of convenience/addiction/everyone else is doing it (lol jk). I know it plays a part in my situation as well, but it really isn’t the only thing. Combat related PTSD is what the VA calls it, (sniper round by the ear) hyper vigilance is another factor. The last being scumbag people who know and enjoy fucking with people’s heads.

I’m 100% service connected and tagged with individual unemployability so all these things plus staying home doesn’t help either. The army has finally stopped the whole “we’re not penalizing you but we really are” thing for going to mental health, but I was a day late and a dollar short on that front. I’d you feel the need seek out a mental health professional, or someone you know will keep your business between y’all and get it out. It helps.

 

[Koreaninadesert]

Maybe I do not get the depression because of kratom? it is very good for the mood boost. Just a thought.
assessing....

I’ve not even heard of that until I joined this forum, after a brief google skimming, I’d say it’s possible. I’ve never been a fan of downers, with a few exceptions. The calmness I get from diazepam is something I’ve considered on numerous occasions lying to my doctor for.

 

[PtahTek]

PTSD is what the VA calls it, (sniper round by the ear) hyper vigilance is another factor.

Talk abut fucking snipers....Fucking ass bastards if they aint friendly and been pinned by 3 at once... still have dreams of that shit 26 years later. Some bull shit. The wife after 24 years had to get her own bed and we sleep in separate rooms the last few months. This fucked with me (we always together) but when asked she assures me that she isn't going anywhere. She is older than I and don't wanna bruiser her up in my sleep. I get it.
Man that vigilance will never leave even if one can "fit in" with the rest. Curse and a blessing.
Only fucked with meth when we rode the nation of USA and it was IV mixed with great blow. Rode for days at a time. Good times.
Ha. Diazpam is nice as it last a long time.
Love benzos and opies but it was time for me to jump off the train and try to get "well". Other than this last incident everything was great cept that constant gasp of air to ready myself to go out the door; sometimes more than one and throughout the day. Taking moderately high doses of lyrica and a low dose xanax now to be focused enough to process what it is that must be overcome. If mania stays my mind is all over the place and cannot "function" properly.
Body is strong and eating everything
Spirit is strong and ready to conquer all
Mind is broken a bit ATM but must get over it (easier to do this by seeing myself from without, for me).
Kratom can be a downer in high doses. I dose relatively low (1 1/2g-2g about every four or five hours) for pain relief, some anxiety relief, mood boost, dietary fiber and whatever else it provides.
Not trying to sell kratom but it may be worth a shot if you can; legally. At head shops it is expensive but convenient. One can purchase bulk online for dirt cheap.
Millions swear by it: I am one of those.
One

Edit: There is a documentary about psychology/psychologists and the US armed forces. Found it pretty interesting and it covers most of what you did/are going through. Trying to find it but may have been buried.... Will update as I can find most anything.

I’d you feel the need seek out a mental health professional, or someone you know will keep your business between y’all and get it out. It helps.

Had this with a buddy up the road and he moved to the country so no more sessions between us. Good dude and dangerous. lol Glad he did as he was getting hot selling oxy and shit. He quit as it isn't worth losing everything.
Talked to shrinks a few times and it's always you seem normal but take these as needed. Treat the syptoms and not the cause.
Fuck em, man... fuck em.

 

[Koreaninadesert]

Talk abut fucking snipers....Fucking ass bastards if they aint friendly and been pinned by 3 at once... still have dreams of that shit 26 years later. Some bull shit. The wife after 24 years had to get her own bed and we sleep in separate rooms the last few months. This fucked with me (we always together) but when asked she assures me that she isn't going anywhere. She is older than I and don't wanna bruiser her up in my sleep. I get it.
Man that vigilance will never leave even if one can "fit in" with the rest. Curse and a blessing.
Only fucked with meth when we rode the nation of USA and it was IV mixed with great blow. Rode for days at a time. Good times.
Ha. Diazpam is nice as it last a long time.
Love benzos and opies but it was time for me to jump off the train and try to get "well". Other than this last incident everything was great cept that constant gasp of air to ready myself to go out the door; sometimes more than one and throughout the day. Taking moderately high doses of lyrica and a low dose xanax now to be focused enough to process what it is that must be overcome. If mania stays my mind is all over the place and cannot "function" properly.
Body is strong and eating everything
Spirit is strong and ready to conquer all
Mind is broken a bit ATM but must get over it (easier to do this by seeing myself from without, for me).
Kratom can be a downer in high doses. I dose relatively low (1 1/2g-2g about every four or five hours) for pain relief, some anxiety relief, mood boost, dietary fiber and whatever else it provides.
Not trying to sell kratom but it may be worth a shot if you can; legally. At head shops it is expensive but convenient. One can purchase bulk online for dirt cheap.
Millions swear by it: I am one of those.
One

Edit: There is a documentary about psychology/psychologists and the US armed forces. Found it pretty interesting and it covers most of what you did/are going through. Trying to find it but may have been buried.... Will update as I can find most anything.


Had this with a buddy up the road and he moved to the country so no more sessions between us. Good dude and dangerous. lol Glad he did as he was getting hot selling oxy and shit. He quit as it isn't worth losing everything.
Talked to shrinks a few times and it's always you seem normal but take these as needed. Treat the syptoms and not the cause.
Fuck em, man... fuck em.

Those VA shrinks are definitely hit or miss, mine during my month and a half long stay at the VA hospital in Jackson, Mississippi said my depression was at normal levels but here’s Zoloft which zombies me and I hate that feeling, it’s just existing not living.

I’m leery of going to the VA here in Phoenix with the whole secret waiting list thing they had going. Honestly as much disdain as I have for most government agencies and organizations, the VA has taken very good care of me, only been to one clinic I didn’t like.

I’ll have to give Kratom a shot and see how it affects me, I’ll try most substances at least once, even more if I like them.

 

[PtahTek]

Those VA shrinks are definitely hit or miss, ....

Bro, I found the documentary... maybe it will help explain as it gives the history and shit behind shrinks and the US forces and may give some insight to what is going on with soooooo many troops.
The Hidden Enemy: Inside Psychiatry's Covert Agenda
Please give it a watch if possible.
If you have no way to watch it I will upload it so you can download and watch.
Gotta get to work but hope your day goes well.
Work... seems like a fantasy as I must paint (metaphor... don't wear makeup, FYI... ) my face for the public.
Fuck em... they asked for it.
LOL

An excerpt from the doc: "Today, with militaries of the world awash in psychiatry and psychiatric drugs, 23 soldiers and veterans are committing suicide every day. Psychiatrists say we need more psychiatry."

Edit: that airsoft... @390fps it is fun to play with.

 

[PtahTek]

 

[Koreaninadesert]

Is it on Netflix or something of that nature, I’m sure I can find, if not I’ll let you know.

 

[Koreaninadesert]

That’s pretty cool

 

[PtahTek]

 

[PtahTek]

Well, Going to work today was a blessing as when I walked in full of stress I was told the general manager (a huge source of daily stress/aniety with all his bull shit) was fired. FUCKING YES! Had meds with me in case but didn't feel the need to consume them as I was suddenly weightless and didn't; until the end of my shift. End of week and gonna say screw it all this weekend and try to binge on streaming content. GM texted me early this AM about how he thought I had his back (delusional for sure) I texted back "fuck off" then "dont text, call or contact me again" and that was that.
Glad I went. I will bug about something else eventually and splurge for a minute until it comes out.
Thanks, guys/gals for posting here (just a bit af sarcasm)... patience is a virtue and I have lot's of it (until I don't).
Gonna be a sweet weekend... inside.
All was a little brighter today. I look for it tomorrow but know from experience it may not be so....

... said my depression was at normal levels but here’s Zoloft which zombies me and I hate that feeling, it’s just existing not living.

Is this your only med? Never any experience with it.
Looking at some data on it and it could be counter-productive but I am only speculating form information as not a doctor.
This seems to be a bit of an issue as the med(s) prescribed/piled-up/mixed can be lethal in many ways. It is understandable with the suicides and homicides... got damnint MFs buggin as the label says and busts off. Doesn't just happen with vets.
Pharma has gone way to far (IMO) and looking for it to fall but prolly not in my time.

 

[Hylight]

 

[PtahTek]

Hylight

Thanks for the above and as a former "zombie" reflects my sentiments... where the hell are we headed with all this? Didn't want to be a part of it anymore so made the move with help from BL and it is sustainable, thanks be to the gods of interwebs... hahaha
Love
(y)

 

[Hylight]

Big Pharma is the pejorative nickname given to the pharmaceutical industry. Critics of the industry often use this nickname when discussing abuses by the industry, including: Trying to suck every penny out of the pockets of the sick, injured, dying, and despondant

There are four major classes of psychotropic medications: antipsychotics, antidepressants, anti-cycling agents, and hypnoanxiolytics. The first three groups of medications target specific problems such as mania or hallucinations.

 

[Hylight]

I am glad that you are doing much better.

YOU ARE DOING GREAT !

 

[PtahTek]

I am glad that you are doing much better.

Thank you, Hylight.
It's been a long ass road and not an easy one to travel but then I despise "easy" as it is short-lived, IMO/E.
I was communicating with a bud that many a sleepless night, physical and mental agony, constant self-reflection/assessment, self-control and the help form my peers here has made "healing" possible. Not to make light of it all but it is empowering to regain some lost ground(ing): It actually adds fuel to the fire of freedom... and addictive as any drug I have run across. Just my experience but make of it what one will.
Thanks again and best wishes.

 

[Hylight]

Thank you, Hylight.
It's been a long ass road and not an easy one to travel but then I despise "easy" as it is short-lived, IMO/E.
I was communicating with a bud that many a sleepless night, physical and mental agony, constant self-reflection/assessment, self-control and the help form my peers here has made "healing" possible. Not to make light of it all but it is empowering to regain some lost ground(ing): It actually adds fuel to the fire of freedom... and addictive as any drug I have run across. Just my experience but make of it what one will.
Thanks again and best wishes.

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