Any addicts here currently attending College?

[adubwakka]

Ok, so I'm in my 4th year at a large SEC university, majoring in computer science. For the past 6 months or so I've gotten quite a large opiate monkey on my back. Simply put, these pills have me by the balls. Since this semester started, I found myself not being motivated for school at all. I cant bring myself to start on any of my school work even when I schedule time for myself. I'm in a deep pit of depression right now that only subsides when I get my fix. I'm so physically dependent on Opiates(primarily Opana), that I purchase subs of the street to hold me over when I cant afford my DOC. I have withdrawn from all my friends, my classes, and my family. I work solely in order to make money to feed my addiction.

I just feel like im fighting to keep my head above water on a daily basis now and I can do longer do it. I don't know what to do with myself at all. I know I don't have my shit together enough currently to pass my classes, but I just can't bring myself to tell my parents that I need to withdraw from school to work on me. My mom's an ex addict so I can level with her and she wants me to go to rehab, but I just cant bring myself to tell my dad( who is paying thousands of dollars for me to go to school) that I need to withdraw(wasting his money) from school and move home for about a semester to get my shit together. I just feel alone in this town in a deep dark pit of depression and I just don't know what to do with myself. I know I would never do this, as I'm not this hopeless yet, but sometimes I'm glad that I pawned my 12 gauge to buy drugs, as sometimes I feel so low that it would be tempting.

Has anyone else battled their addiction through the midst of college and lost all motivation like I have? If so, what did you do? Any thoughts are appreciated, I know I sound like a big baby but im just at an all time low here.

 

[queenscarlet88]

Well ... yeah, you do sound like a big baby. Your own choices have brought you to this point, so your father would be right to be upset that you've chosen to waste his money. You need to get out of this on your own as an adult. See a doctor yourself to discuss getting off opiates; you're an adult, and while a full-time student still covered under insurance. (Assuming you're American; please correct me if I'm wrong.) Consider the effect of withdrawing from full-time student status on insurance coverage ... pull it together just for the semester THEN think about taking next semester off.

Maybe anxiety about graduation (assuming you're on track to graduate after four years) is part of what's holding you back? It's a pretty damn big deal to be on the cusp of full adulthood ... and the expectations thereof.

 

[Legerity]

^^^And did your choices bring you to the point of being rude and judgmental?

To the OP, I think it's important to make your health a priority. If drug use is making school too much to deal with, then I don't see the problem in taking a break and dealing with your issues. School is what you make of it, and it's hard to get much out of it if you have other things that are taking all your time and energy.

When I was in college a while back (well it's called CEGEP here in Quebec, a transition between high school and university), that was when my drug use was getting worse and worse. I ended up dropping out in the middle of a semester so I failed every class, tried working part-time here and there, and just getting high as often as possible. I didn't give a shit about school at this point and thought I would never go back.

Anyways...after a while of that I decided to fix myself up and go to rehab. I worked for the next year and then eventually decided to go back to school. My attitude had completely changed and I was extremely motivated. What used to be a burden was now my own choice - nobody forced me to go back, I wanted to, and so the experience completely changed. So I was able to graduate from university with honors whereas before I was failing the majority of my classes.

Of course it's difficult to deal with the family issues, but think about what is most important. This isn't an issue of going out and partying too much on the weekends, you need opiates to function from day to day. If you don't think that you are able to deal with this while going to school, then I really think taking a break for a while can be beneficial. You can always get letters from doctors/psychologists/counselors to explain the situation, that's what helped me get into a good university when I decided to go back.

 

[doris delay]

^ Disagree (with queenscarlett, that is) Your family might initially feel disappointed, but some things are more important than money; your health is one of these. You shouldn't be guilted into feeling like you have to put on a brave front and go it alone.
How much longer of your course have you got to go? If it's only a little while...well you've come this far, can you pull it together for the rest? That being said, you've done four years, if you find you're falling behind, don't waste all your hard work on failing now --maybe it would be best to defer for a couple of semesters.
Good luck, get well, and get back to your education!

 

[.Lucid.]

cant you withdraw for medical reasons and not fail all your classes? i only went to a shitty little state school but thats what i did when i was too fucked up on dope to complete the semester. they let me drop all my classes and i was allowed to stay enrolled as a student too. i went back like a year later and picked up where i left off.

 

[adubwakka]

cant you withdraw for medical reasons and not fail all your classes? i only went to a shitty little state school but thats what i did when i was too fucked up on dope to complete the semester. they let me drop all my classes and i was allowed to stay enrolled as a student too. i went back like a year later and picked up where i left off.

^Did you admit to your school that your medical reason were dope? Or did you come up with something else?


Also, thanks for the input everyone. Your advice is comforting.

 

[.Lucid.]

^Did you admit to your school that your medical reason were dope? Or did you come up with something else?

no way i basically just said i was having unspecified medical complications.. i made it sound really serious and no one questioned it. they probably thought i was dying of cancer or something lol.

 

[Carl Landrover]

^
What do you think they'd say if you had said it was for substance related reasons?

I'm coming up on a similar problem. I've been going to school part-time the last few semesters because I keep fucking up on drugs too much to balance out school and work. I always wonder the person I could be if I could get opiates and addiction/dependence out of my life.

 

[.Lucid.]

yea i totally relate to you there.. i always wonder what my life wouldve been like if i hadnt had dope to hold me back.

i dont know what they wouldve said if i told them i was a addicted to drugs.. maybe it wouldnt have made a difference. i didnt feel comfortable risking it though.

 

[Legerity]

When I applied to get back into school I got a letter from my rehab saying specifically that I had a drug problem that was now dealt with, and it helped get me back into school without having to do the normally required "probationary" semester to show that I was serious about it.

I guess it's up to you how you want to explain the situation.. I don't see why they would care about the specific reason as long as you have an official letter stating that there was some sort of health issue...

 

[sam123]

Im in my 3rd year at pretty good university and for the previous 2 battled a serious IV meth and coke habit. I know exactly how you feel and i was worried about having to drop out of school also. My good friend told my parents how bad my habit and with their support i was able to get clean without leaving school. If you work hard theres def a good chance you could get clean and stay in school with your familys help. But your health is def a priority if this is impossible. I know when i went clean i didnt have opiate WDs to deal with but seeing as i would sleep like every 5-6-7 days my sleep debt was fucked but i still managed to pass my classes and now i am 190 days clean in my junior year about to apply to grad schools.

 

[eon_blue]

I went to a private college for about a year and a half and got hooked on heroin while there. Only ever failed one class, but when my parents found out I was using they pulled me out of school and sent me to rehab in another city. Ended up going to a different school out there and surprise surprise, they don't take transfer credits from the previous school. $40,000 down the drain.

However, I don't regret doing it at all. I did at first, and it took me awhile to get over the guilt. But looking back I now realize that if I hadn't switched schools I would have ended up spending 4 years in a place where I was miserable and faking my way through my education. It was an expensive life lesson, but I'm 100% confident now that now I'm where I belong and that I'm going to pay it off and then some in the long term. It's funny because even though I was such a lonely and depressed junkie before, I still managed to pass my classes with average grades. However, I wasn't actually learning anything. I was depressed, addicted and had no passion for what I was learning and no motivation to do any more than what was the bare minimum.

At my lowest point I got so careless that I got caught, shipped to rehab and 6 months later started at another college where I'm (finally) getting ready to graduate next summer.

So from experience, my advice is to ask for help. Take the time you need to clear your head and yeah, it might cost you and your parents some money. But its better that they invest in your health and your future than to invest in an education that you're not retaining at all.

College will always be there, it isn't going anywhere. Do what you have to do to get your head right and pick it back up when the time comes. It'll be a much better investment for both you and your parents in the long run that way.

And btw, when I left the first school to go to rehab for a few months they gave me a medical leave of absence, meaning I could return whenever I wanted within a one year time frame and pick up where I left off. I chose not to simply because I realized I didn't belong there, but all schools offer that same option. I'm sure your's does too.

 

[lifeguardsleeps]

I've battled addiction through my college career and I'm proud to say I finally graduated. I did have to leave school for a semester to get myself together one time, and yes, my parents were disappointed, but in the end it was for the best and I still graduated with my degree.

I know it seems really tough now, but you are lucky to have family who will pay for you to go to college and a mom that understands about addictions.

it seems obvious you cant keep going on like you are, so i suggest getting up the nerve to tell your parents you need to take a semester off. straighten yourself out and come back to school in the spring. let it be a lesson learned and dont do it again.

edit: in my case i had to take the semester off because i was suspended, but in your case you may be able to get a doctors note telling your school you need to take off because you are depressed (which is true) and you might not suffer any acacademic penalties, where as if you continue to take drugs and fail all your classes, it will be worse

 

[bobert the man]

I don't usually post... It's been almost a year, so I stress to you the personal significance of your post. I literally was just sitting here thinking that I was alone in how this semesters been treating me, but seeing as there is another one going through what I am, hopefully we could bounce some stuff off each other.

I've just started my second year at McGill in Montreal. First year in a new apartment with two roomates that are worlds different than me. I've currently just come out of a fantastic summer, despite an intense poppy pod addiction. You see, I've been a codeine addict since 11th grade, with the last two summers turning into poppy pod addiction (due to availability when at home). I returned to codeine as a means of weaning off the poppies (shorter acting and accompanied by loads of caffeine which I thought would be a push factor to get off it soon). Last year instead, I just continued with the codeine all year, back to poppies last summer (in which my use skyrocketed to an obscene amount per day - 25 large pods at the end - ).

Weary of this stupidity I thought of weaning the poppies down to 0 before my arrival at school. Of course, any addict knows that this didn't work out... I was at 6 pods a day the first week I arrived here, which turned into codeine when I ran out. One of the most hellish weeks of my life was that week, as my tolerance allowed for me to ONLY be held by the ceiling dose of codeine, though had no tolerance to caffeine. Let me say, when you already are diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and are forced to take obscene amounts of caffeine in order to be on the brink of opiate withdrawal (rather than fullblown pod w/d if not), you will come out with suicidal thoughts... I know I did.

Anyways, ever since leveling out with the codeine/caffeine, I have been severely depressed. At first I went to classes despite how alien and anxious I always felt being in them. I can't go on campus without feeling overwhelming anxiety and a strange form of anger towards all these people who are around me that incite this anxiety.

Eventually I fell behind in classes, and turned to dexedrine to aid me in getting through those 3 day work bottlenecks that seem to occur only at university. Stupid idea, but my use didn't really get out of hand. Still I know it didn't help.

Ontop of this, when at home, I keep getting paranoid of the way my roomates look at me. Holding a daily opiate addiction, regardless of the agonist used, plus being a minor marijuana smoker, while living with two VERY straight edge roomates, both of which are always here, has made it hard for me to feel alright even at home. I try to make myself invisible when I'm here as I don't want them thinking anything is up drugwise. Self manifested paranoia coupled with genuine reason for it has made it impossible for me to go out and make food or even use the washroom, as I will give them the impression I'm not here, and don't want to pop out hours after I hear them talking about me because they think I'm not here, for whatever reason.

I started seeing a psychologist, who turned out to be a real dummy, or someone who just couldn't cater to what I believe are my needs. Everything said by him seems to be a simple echo of what I say. I don't even know what I want from him, except for a referral for mental health as I would like an opportunity to couple therapy with medication.

So I've gotten stuck in this depressed hole/limbo, where I feel no relief at home or at school (completely stopped going to class at this point). I went home (toronto) for thanksgiving, and realized when seeing my friends (of which I have very few here. Very few and lessening day by day, as I refuse even to see them) that I was more my old self. Definitely more depressed, but still an improvement. I believe this could be PAWS from the pods, though the steady nature of this depression has in the past couple weeks, terrified the living shit out of me.

Now, let me throw some things at you now that you know me a little bit. I was given permission to drop a single course this semester which I believed was much better than the option of complete withdrawal. I say this because if you feel dissapointed in yourself now, imagine how stupid you will feel after losing out on a degree!! I mean, as addicts (if I read you right) what else do we have to show for ourselves? Doesn't it give you hope that you despite all this shit, are a person who can attain something only a certain breed of people can? And all the while incuring the absolute hell that comes with this life? Though depending on the extent of addction, rehab may be a necessity (I am no doctor or counselor)

People say "Oh! just force yourself to classes and to see friends and blah blah!". I'm sure we both know the impossibility of that. But, if you can find the right person, find someone to talk to. Anyone, a counselor, a friend, relative... You have a lot on your mind, and believe there is no one out there that's "safe" to talk to, or no one that knows the pain. But there are... They're just hidden, just as you and I are hidden.

I know this is an obscenely long post, with little encouraging information. All I wanted to convey is that, you're not alone. And I know now that knowing that simple fact could very well help. If you want to talk, please PM me and we'll exchange info. Maybe a distant friend that for the first time share similar problems could be of use, to both of us.

Stay strong, know that all of this is temporary (you want to deal with addiction- it will be dealt with!) and make sure to think your decisions through before putting them into action. Try lessening your course load or free some time in which you could use to think, see a counselor, or even attend NA or something similar.

Hope I have been of use.

 

[Lolie]

You've got a family willing to support you through rehab, so take the time off and do it. College will still be there when you're clean. Realistically, what's staying at college while you're this fucked up going to accomplish other than delaying you getting your shit together?

 

[badandwicked]

So from experience, my advice is to ask for help. Take the time you need to clear your head and yeah, it might cost you and your parents some money. But its better that they invest in your health and your future than to invest in an education that you're not retaining at all.

College will always be there, it isn't going anywhere. Do what you have to do to get your head right and pick it back up when the time comes. It'll be a much better investment for both you and your parents in the long run that way.

Great post.

I know some here say they've cleaned up and studied, but not everyone is going to be able to do that. For most cleaning up & getting sorted is a major task, and requires all your energy & focus, with none left for study. It's essential to be realistic. Tackling one at a time isn't a failure or any less of an achievement, and when you do it no one will be prouder than your father.

 

[PhrostByte]

I don't know how I managed to graduate.. but I did.. while somehow nursing a full blown heroin addiction... 2 years later and I've lost my job... all my money... my car... probably my girlfriend.

Oh well... 5th day clean and doing OK. :]

 

[Lolie]

I don't know how I managed to graduate.. but I did.. while somehow nursing a full blown heroin addiction... 2 years later and I've lost my job... all my money... my car... probably my girlfriend.

Oh well... 5th day clean and doing OK. :]

It's one of those insidious things, isn't it? All the cautionary tales in the world have no meaning to us because we're all such special snowflakes and that's "not going to happen to me" - we somehow manage to convince ourselves that we'll stop before we do irreparable harm to our lives even as our lives are falling to pieces in front of us.

 

[sam123]

Great post.

I know some here say they've cleaned up and studied, but not everyone is going to be able to do that. For most cleaning up & getting sorted is a major task, and requires all your energy & focus, with none left for study. It's essential to be realistic. Tackling one at a time isn't a failure or any less of an achievement, and when you do it no one will be prouder than your father.

getting clean most certainly is a huge task that requires all of ones energy. However, for some school serves as an extremely beneficial activity to help one stay sober. The addict must decide wether school is something that can help put them on the right path or will just fuck up there chances of sobriety thorough the stress many feel goes with school.


If school is something you enjoy you might want to conisder using it to help you. I was faced with a very similiar choice and knew for me that if i left school i would be FUCKED and have no chanced of living a happy clean life.

but if you dont give a fuck about school and its not something that can motivate you to do well you can always come back to school at any time so just take a break and focus youself on getting clean if school is something that would detract from that.

 

[Cyc]

bobert, I just wanted to say congratulations for getting into McGill. As I'm sure you're well aware, it is a fine University (Top 3 in Canada) and competitive with the likes of Harvard and Oxford.

While I'm very happy at Western, I would have taken McGill if given the chance.

Avez courage et bonne chance mon ami!