amediocrity
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Mar 30, 2016
- Messages
- 43
Hi guys,
I am just over my 90 days clean mark, and am struggling a lot with feelings of anxiety and I think depression.
I'm unsure as to whether this really is clinical depression, because I have suffered on and off with depression for the last seven years, most of that time on prescribed SSRIs to treat it, but for some reason I'm kind of wondering if I ever was clinically depressed, and if I wasn't, maybe the anti depressants have messed my brain chemistry up so much that I am now suffering. I don't know. I know for sure my anxiety is real, but it's so hard to distinguish the difference between 'that's just life' and 'I have depression'.
My symptoms that led me to believe I was depressed were always: constant low motivation, sleeping too much, not truly enjoying anything, and constant negative thoughts including thoughts of suicide.
Since getting clean off of opiates, my depression feels a little different. I have all those things listed above, but with a deep, profound sense of shame, guilt, and despair.
I understand that it makes sense I should be feeling like this, on a chemical level. But I guess external factors are influencing it too. I had to quit my job, so have been on benefits for the past 90 days. I just mope around the house, trying to muster up the motivation to even apply for a job. This is made even more stressful by the fact that my landlord has sold the place I'm renting with my partner, and we have two months to find a new place. My partner is a student, and we also have a cat, and it has been so far IMPOSSIBLE to find anyone who will rent to a student, a person on benefits, and a cat. To make things worse, my partner also recently lost her Grandmother, and is struggling to deal with the grief. In a recent argument, she revealed that she resents me because it is my fault we aren't able to find a place to live because I don't have a job. It really hurts, partly because I know I should be trying so much harder to find one, but something just drags me down every day and it feels like I'm suffocating.
At the start of my recovery I was going to four or five NA/AA meetings a week, but that soon got whittled down to two or three, and now in part due to a stomach bug I picked up last week, I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I've been lying in bed feeling really unwell and miserable for five days now, and that in itself is not good for my state of mind. My partner doesn't want to look after me because she is angry with me and she now has to try and sort everything out on her own whilst I'm sick.
I feel like its just been one thing after another since I got clean, and it's led to me thinking that maybe being on opiates was a much lower price to pay than having no job, no place to live, and possibly at the end of all this, no relationship.
Has anyone else experienced these struggles since getting clean? Or even just in general? Any advice on any of the above would be much appreciated. Thanks guys.
I am just over my 90 days clean mark, and am struggling a lot with feelings of anxiety and I think depression.
I'm unsure as to whether this really is clinical depression, because I have suffered on and off with depression for the last seven years, most of that time on prescribed SSRIs to treat it, but for some reason I'm kind of wondering if I ever was clinically depressed, and if I wasn't, maybe the anti depressants have messed my brain chemistry up so much that I am now suffering. I don't know. I know for sure my anxiety is real, but it's so hard to distinguish the difference between 'that's just life' and 'I have depression'.
My symptoms that led me to believe I was depressed were always: constant low motivation, sleeping too much, not truly enjoying anything, and constant negative thoughts including thoughts of suicide.
Since getting clean off of opiates, my depression feels a little different. I have all those things listed above, but with a deep, profound sense of shame, guilt, and despair.
I understand that it makes sense I should be feeling like this, on a chemical level. But I guess external factors are influencing it too. I had to quit my job, so have been on benefits for the past 90 days. I just mope around the house, trying to muster up the motivation to even apply for a job. This is made even more stressful by the fact that my landlord has sold the place I'm renting with my partner, and we have two months to find a new place. My partner is a student, and we also have a cat, and it has been so far IMPOSSIBLE to find anyone who will rent to a student, a person on benefits, and a cat. To make things worse, my partner also recently lost her Grandmother, and is struggling to deal with the grief. In a recent argument, she revealed that she resents me because it is my fault we aren't able to find a place to live because I don't have a job. It really hurts, partly because I know I should be trying so much harder to find one, but something just drags me down every day and it feels like I'm suffocating.
At the start of my recovery I was going to four or five NA/AA meetings a week, but that soon got whittled down to two or three, and now in part due to a stomach bug I picked up last week, I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I've been lying in bed feeling really unwell and miserable for five days now, and that in itself is not good for my state of mind. My partner doesn't want to look after me because she is angry with me and she now has to try and sort everything out on her own whilst I'm sick.
I feel like its just been one thing after another since I got clean, and it's led to me thinking that maybe being on opiates was a much lower price to pay than having no job, no place to live, and possibly at the end of all this, no relationship.
Has anyone else experienced these struggles since getting clean? Or even just in general? Any advice on any of the above would be much appreciated. Thanks guys.
Last edited by a moderator: