Recovery Anxious and depressed

[amediocrity]

Hi guys,

I am just over my 90 days clean mark, and am struggling a lot with feelings of anxiety and I think depression.

I'm unsure as to whether this really is clinical depression, because I have suffered on and off with depression for the last seven years, most of that time on prescribed SSRIs to treat it, but for some reason I'm kind of wondering if I ever was clinically depressed, and if I wasn't, maybe the anti depressants have messed my brain chemistry up so much that I am now suffering. I don't know. I know for sure my anxiety is real, but it's so hard to distinguish the difference between 'that's just life' and 'I have depression'.

My symptoms that led me to believe I was depressed were always: constant low motivation, sleeping too much, not truly enjoying anything, and constant negative thoughts including thoughts of suicide.

Since getting clean off of opiates, my depression feels a little different. I have all those things listed above, but with a deep, profound sense of shame, guilt, and despair.

I understand that it makes sense I should be feeling like this, on a chemical level. But I guess external factors are influencing it too. I had to quit my job, so have been on benefits for the past 90 days. I just mope around the house, trying to muster up the motivation to even apply for a job. This is made even more stressful by the fact that my landlord has sold the place I'm renting with my partner, and we have two months to find a new place. My partner is a student, and we also have a cat, and it has been so far IMPOSSIBLE to find anyone who will rent to a student, a person on benefits, and a cat. To make things worse, my partner also recently lost her Grandmother, and is struggling to deal with the grief. In a recent argument, she revealed that she resents me because it is my fault we aren't able to find a place to live because I don't have a job. It really hurts, partly because I know I should be trying so much harder to find one, but something just drags me down every day and it feels like I'm suffocating.

At the start of my recovery I was going to four or five NA/AA meetings a week, but that soon got whittled down to two or three, and now in part due to a stomach bug I picked up last week, I haven't been to a meeting in over a week. I've been lying in bed feeling really unwell and miserable for five days now, and that in itself is not good for my state of mind. My partner doesn't want to look after me because she is angry with me and she now has to try and sort everything out on her own whilst I'm sick.

I feel like its just been one thing after another since I got clean, and it's led to me thinking that maybe being on opiates was a much lower price to pay than having no job, no place to live, and possibly at the end of all this, no relationship.

Has anyone else experienced these struggles since getting clean? Or even just in general? Any advice on any of the above would be much appreciated. Thanks guys.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Oh yeah, that sounds very normal for the three month mark. By three months our brains are really just beginning to start changing back to state of equilibrium without any external inputs from substances to regulate the neurobiological soup. Plus by that point we have begun to really establish pretty profound lifestyle changes, and we have had time to run with them for a little while.

It sounds like you didn't really jive with NA/AA? Perhaps try seeking out other community or therapeutic support venues. I found ATS to be much more useful than NA/AA type recovery oriented meetings. Others find SMART meetings more helpful. Do you work with a therapist or a psychiatrist? Many, many people find working with both of those to be essential in early recovery.

You're going through so many changes, and you don't have your drugs of choice to rely on to help see you through. No wonder you're struggling! I really encourage you to find small ways to go easier on yourself. Spend more time engaging in hobbies or passions that have brought you joy before, or try developing a new one or two. Spend more time outdoors, in the woods, at the beach, wherever. But what is most important is getting creative and finding more small ways of being kind and gentle with yourself.

Try not to rush. You're in this for the long haul. Don't expect anything to change overnight, but do expect it to get better if you put in the work. It's not easy, often it's very hard work. But it is work you can do, step by step and bit by bit.

 

[amediocrity]

Thank you so much toothpastedog that has honestly made me feel so much better. Just knowing that this is normal for this stage of recovery is a huge weight off my mind. I will seek out some of those options you listed - I find NA helpful to a degree, but something isn't clicking properly with me. Always worth keeping an open mind and exploring other avenues.

Will hopefully be updating on a happier note next time! Thanks again ?

 

[aihfl]

So you mentioned you've been on SSRIs. Did they help? Have you been on them while you've been clean? It never occurred to me that I might be depressed and when the psychiatrist I saw during one of my inpatient detoxes prescribed Celexa, that made all the difference. I didn't need a substance to blunt how I felt when I actually felt ok about myself. I would also recommend therapy as well; while you've gotten clean and that's a wonderful thing, it sounds like a lot of the issues that drove your addiction are unresolved.

 

[F'Loki]

Have you tried mindfulness meditation?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Have you tried mindfulness meditation?

+1 What kind of mindfulness practice or exposure to a practice do you have F'Loki? Do you have a favorite mindful awareness practice (self compassion, breath counting, see/hear/feel, etc), or particular organization, school or teacher you have frequented?

mindfulness based stress reduction practices, particularly the abdominal breathing exercise a colleague of mine created, is amazing for managing difficult moods: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...-Resources?p=13684185&viewfull=1#post13684185

Don't forget to check out the MBHR link in my signature below to the right There are lots of links to exercises towards the end of the first post under the titles "Insight Meditation and Lovingkindness" and "Exercises, Workshops and Discussions". Enjoy!

 

[F'Loki]

+1 What kind of mindfulness practice or exposure to a practice do you have F'Loki? Do you have a favorite mindful awareness practice (self compassion, breath counting, see/hear/feel, etc), or particular organization, school or teacher you have frequented?

mindfulness based stress reduction practices, particularly the abdominal breathing exercise a colleague of mine created, is amazing for managing difficult moods: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...-Resources?p=13684185&viewfull=1#post13684185

Don't forget to check out the MBHR link in my signature below to the right There are lots of links to exercises towards the end of the first post under the titles "Insight Meditation and Lovingkindness" and "Exercises, Workshops and Discussions". Enjoy!

God, where to start? lol

Been learning various techniques since I was 21 (I am 33 now), starting in India and Nepal with Tibetan techniques (did my first ever retreat in beautiful Pokhara in Nepal - really need to go back to that magical place sometime). It was basic mindfulness, mixed with tantric stuff (Tibetan Buddhism is heavy on the tantric visualisations), such as breathing white light in, black smoke out.

Then went to Thailand, Laos etc and dabbled with Vipassana. And as you say "metta" i.e "loving kindness". This is all the Therevadin school; I didn't do a retreat to learn this in this case like in Nepal; Instead I just befriended monks - I lived 4 months in Luang Prabang, in Laos, several years ago before it became the tourist trap it is today sadly lol - and they taught me in the many temples that grace that magical town in the mountains by the Mekong (look at me, romanticizing now lol).

Right now, I am trying to get back into what I was originally taught, nice and simple, mindfulness on breathe (I never liked focusing on the rising and falling abdominal area - makes me feel uncomfortable for whatever reason lol Part of the reason I never got into Zazen Zen-Buddhist practices...), basically back to my roots;
Basically what I was originally taught in Nepal in the Tibetan tradition, i'm trying to keep it simple. But I am slowly going to bring metta and insight (vipassana) back into it too when my mind is more retrained with the mindfulness.

I am currently 9 days into recovery for opiate/benzo addiction and I feel this is perhaps a huge catalyst for change and to get back into it all...

So yes, lots of exposure to meditation over the years! Lots of shuffling about, trying new ones, to see what works and what doesn't (this is vital, as one technique that works well for someone might not jive at all with another!). I am always open to looking at new techniques so thanks for the link. Will look at it after I eat supper

In terms of my awareness practice, i've always favoured breath counting. I sometimes use the 'white light in, black smoke out' tantric technique in unison with this if I feel I have lots of pent up negative emotion and energy in me that needs releasing, but for the most part it is focused on counting and focusing firmly on the sensation of air coming in and out of the nostrils, and then when I have no need for counting anymore when I reach "calm abiding" mind (no 'monkey mind' jumping about trying to distract me), I can then go into insight meditation and just watch thoughts and bodily sensations without reacting, or switch into loving kindness/metta.

Those are essentially my 3 core practices. Mindfulness I feel is a gateway to training yourself to go onto the more advanced profound insight/loving kindness practices, but mindfulness alone is powerful enough in it's own right: It cools my hot headedness down a lot, makes me consider my actions towards others, basically softens my "ego", makes me appreciate kindness in others much more, makes me appreciate beautiful things in nature more keenly (it really shifts your whole perception if you stick to it IMO) so I don't react negatively to negative actions towards me. Which I guess sums up all of the Buddhist philosophy/karma in a nutshell lol

What about you? How did you first start practicing? Do you try to absorb any of the Buddhist philosophy into your life or do you just stick to the practical aspects of meditation?

Nice chatting Thanks again for the links.

F'loki

 

[F'Loki]

+1 What kind of mindfulness practice or exposure to a practice do you have F'Loki? Do you have a favorite mindful awareness practice (self compassion, breath counting, see/hear/feel, etc), or particular organization, school or teacher you have frequented?

mindfulness based stress reduction practices, particularly the abdominal breathing exercise a colleague of mine created, is amazing for managing difficult moods: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads...-Resources?p=13684185&viewfull=1#post13684185

Don't forget to check out the MBHR link in my signature below to the right There are lots of links to exercises towards the end of the first post under the titles "Insight Meditation and Lovingkindness" and "Exercises, Workshops and Discussions". Enjoy!

Thank you so much for sharing those links. Just finished what was intended to be a 10-15 minute mindfulness meditation and it naturally developed into the loving kindness meditation and I ended up meditating for close to 45 minutes!
I realise now I haven't actually sat down properly with a buddha statue in front of me and meditated properly with real focus, real motivation, in more than a couple of years. It was like going back to a warm, familiar home, and opening my eyes fully afterwards and letting the loving kindness energy sit with me for a while just staring at my buddha statues face was very powerful for me, especially working on the people who have given me difficulties in the past year or two and learning to let go and the anger towards them and turn it into compassion is something I am going to continue to work on hard.

Thanks so much for that. Time for bed now, sweet dreams.

F'Loki.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I really want to give your posts here the time they deserve, but for now I'll just comment on how dedicating a specific spot in my house, kind of like my own little sanctuary, really helps to aid in overcoming the hindrance of doubt (the most challenging of them IME). Plus it it helps me get in the zone super quick when I sit - like muscle and spacial memory and awareness just take right over and I get into it with relatively little effort (most days at least ).