uforic I can tell you first hand that you can recover as much as you want to.
My story isn't exactly the same as yours, but it is very similar, and the effects you suffer from are almost identical.
I am about 10 months further down the line than you, and let me tell you I have got
so much better
Your life will return to you, but it isn't going to be a walk in the park getting there. There are 2 things that I am going to tell you that are far more important than anything else you need to hear (in my opinion). The first of these is that there is nothing wrong with you, other than you have a
psychological condition. You are not going mad, and you do not have brain damage. Psychological conditions are of course serious, but they are also very curable. A person of your age, and with your motivation (you are here actively trying to get youself better, for which you should be proud - many people just wallow in their own self pity and do nothing) and don't appear to have any other factors holding you back from recovery.
I really want to inforce the point that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you, simply because I myself suffered heavily in the belief that drugs (mainly ecstasy - I too used very heavily) had damaged my brain permanently. It was this thought that contributed a great deal to my anxiety, not really surprising when you consider how horrifying a notion it is.
Your post pefectly describes the profile of a person
very predisposed to anxiety, and to a lesser degree depression. I am the same, and we both probably took ecstasy (and other drugs) for the reason that we wanted temporary relief.
Whilst you were reguarly taking the drugs, you were 'shielded' from the world and mental disorders because you always had drugs to look forward to. Once out of the game, and chemically unbalanced (temporarily) it was easy for you to sink into this anxiety, from which it is hard to escape. Like me, even once your brain had retured to a state of normalacy, you had dug such a deep hole you couldn't get out of it.
But here's where the other important part comes in. The only thing that keeps you in this 'hole', or cycle of anxiety is your thoughts. You need to read up about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) - it describes how your emotions work. Basically everything you feel is created by your thoughts, and people with anxiety or depression have distorted thinking. You can change this, but like me you will have to work
very hard at it because you have lived with these distorted thought patterns your entire life. Please don't dismiss CBT, whatever your feelings are about therapy this is a well establised science and is becoming the main way of treating anxiety and depression with equal rates of success as medicines.
...talking of which, you may want to take one. I am currently on Mirtazapine (UK=Zispin, US&Eurpope=Remeron), and I think it does help. You need to see a psychiatrist, and no doubt he will put you on an antidepressant of some sort (if you want to) and point you in the right direction for therapy. I really would insist you take CBT though, and not the type of therapy where you just talk about you feelings and you past.
It has been proven that the best rates of recovery come from utilising therapy with antidepressants, but I see no harm in just trying therapy on its own first. There is a chance you may respond badly to medication, but there is very little chance you will get any negative effects from therapy.
The only other factor really is time. There is no doubt that a lot of my recovery has come from that in itself. I'm not sure why, maybe the brain just takes ages to settle down after a scare like this. My derealisation took ages to fade, but it's like watching a pot boil. I look back now and I haven't had it in full effect for a few months, but it seems like only yesterday I was in that mind-fog constantly. I don't know what to tell you about derelisation really, since it is the part that confuses me the most. I think it is basically your brain protecting you from the intense anxiety. My therapist and psyhciatrist tell me it is a form of anxiety, which I no doubt believe, but the thing is I am often my least anxious when my derealisation is at it's most intense
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
So in summary, I consider your outlook good, and very good if you put the effort in. Learn to relax, and don't give in to feelings of hoplessness. You may take 2 years to feel normal again I know that I could do with another 6 months or so to be at a stage I am happy with. I know thats a scarily long amount of time, but don't put your life on hold, do evrything you want to now. You may take much less time anyway, it all depends on the individual.
Concentrate on those thoughts you have. Just looking at your post I can see you are viewing your life with a lot of regret and fearful anticipation. Don't feel so bad about your drug use, and don't expect to quit forever. If you do, and then you crumble you will feel all the worse for it. You haven't done anything wrong, you never meant to do this to yourself. Think of the good things in your life. It may seem as though everything has changed, but it hasn't really. This isn't the calaminty it seems, it only appears that way because of the outlook on life you have at the moment.
I realise there's a lot of information there, and if have any questions then don't hesistate to ask - PM or in this thread.
