Anorexia triggered more(?) by rape.

[lalapanda]

Okay first off, either of these are things people irl care to talk to me about so.


My Ex boyfriend raped me earlier this month,

i can't even explain how fucked up ive been since then. my emotions have been haywire, literally.
he got 45 days in jail probably just for a dirty UA.. it says PAROLE VIOLATION and SANCTION next to that charge
some days i dont sleep some days i sleep for days (well just this weekend)
I cannot stop getting the impression that hes going to kill me when he gets out. His charges were suffocation? ASSAULT IV, and MENACING (he held down my windpipe) i couldn't talk, breathe, etc. but it left no marks. The ADA called me to tell me they have nothing to hold him on and I was like really? rape isn't anything to hold him on?? and she said "wow, you need to call the cop back so he can ask you more questions as rape/sexual assult isnt on the list)
I'm supposed to turn in this R.O but i feel its pointless bc he has tweaker friends that would do ANYTHING for for meth.
and I cant get a r.o against all of his friends, right? so what the fuck am i supposed to do. He is perma-fried.
(he blames his parents for his addiction, he blames the cops for putting him in jail, he blames everyone for everything except himself) so im 100% sure he'll blame me for getting him put in there

Ive been on Wellburtin XL for my depression and add and whatever but its helping me lose weight
not only that but ive been abusing it (2x a day instead of once..Which I guess isnt' that bad)
but, how am i supposed to explain rapid weight loss to my doctor? he never checks my weight, do you think he'll even notice?


i'm like shaking idk fuck i cant breathe wHAT is the point
i cant talk on suicide hotlinee because my anxiety disorder prevents me from talking on phones really

i waited an HOUR to talk to RAINN(sp?) and they were so fucking unhelpful it hurt
like what the fuck did i waste that hour for



grrr that wasnt even my point
i feel like im going to die soon like these are my last days on earth
b/c he scares me that much.
im having reoccurring nightmares about him/it/the whole thing


I have no one to talk to. I really dont. no one is taking me seriously like i didnt even calll the cops to begin with doctor did after promising he wouldn't tell anyone and it was up to me if i wanted to file a police report (note: I am not a minor)

I'm always looking out my window and shit thinkking that its someone here to murder me
i know it sounds crazy.. but im not kdding
anyways i havent been eating much at all. ive been shoving food down the trash compactor (to make it look like im eating)
because I dont want to become a bulimic again (i was for a while when I was younger)
I havent really been hungry anyway... just feeling sick all the time, crying spells, dizziness, i dont want to be taken off the wellburtin or switched to an ssri cause the is the first anti depressant that has actually worked and not made me sleepy/zombiefied
i feel so fucking hopeless dude idk
i feel lik the whole you cant fire me cause i quit thing (aka you cant kill me cause ill do it myself first)

 

[Pagey]

lalapanda, I'm so, so sorry to hear what happened to you. No one deserves to go through that and you shouldn't expect of yourself to be exactly the same afterwards. I was raped last year (by someone I didn't know) and I'm not going to sugar-coat it - it still fucking sucks and I'm nowhere near healed. But I'm also much better. These things take time and it's important that you take particular care of yourself; but you can do it.
Why don't you want to go to the police about it? Is it because you're afraid of what he/his mates would do to you? Or because you don't want to face what happened? (that's a perfectly valid reason...I never went to the police because of that).
If I were you I would at least go to the cops and explain that you're really afraid of what will happen once he gets out of jail. They have to take you seriously.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? You might have PTSD (the not eating could very possibly be a sign of that). I've been doing CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) to help with my PTSD and it's really helped so far. You can't keep all those emotions bottled up, they'll eat at you. I've only spoken to one person in my life abotu what happened - my ex, and he was horrible about it - so my therapist is really my only outlet to deal with it, but honestly for now it's been enough.

Please PM me if you'd like to talk more. You need to realise what happened isn't your fault and you shouldn't have to pay for it. Don't let him win by controlling your emotions like this! You're better than him.

I wouldn't worry about not wanting to eat too much for now...it's a normal reaction and I would expect for your appetite to return naturally fairly soon. Just try to get help about what happened please, okay?

 

[lalapanda]

i'm seeing a psychiatrist.
he's the one who called the cops in the first place.
And I'm about to see a therapist in the same place i see him.
i've been complying with the police as much as I possibly can. they just keep conveniently losing my shit and I have to do it over again, I'm getting the run around It's just alll fucking bullshit.
i have write out a written statement tonight and give it to a cop tomorrow about the rape.
I remember every fucking detail, I didn't do a rape kit right away. why would I? I was more concerned about the plan b pill and not getting pregnant with his child.
A WEEK later after the rape (14th) the cops told me i should do a rape kit
I thought it was just more fucking bs that i didn't need to be put through. Unless the rape JUST happened why would I do a rape kit. I showered, he said we had "sex" that should be enough right there. the fact that i can barely think about it without breaking down in fucking tears and hearing "i can't understand you, you need to stop crying" just makes me cry harder.
I'm turning in the restraining order in less than ten hours or so, but I still think it's fucking pointless.
I have been trying to get help its just like everyone wants to watch me drown

 

[PsySci]

My two cents: move, at least temporarily, in with friends or family, preferably some distance away.

The fear you are experiencing is a very big warning sign that this man is a real threat to your life and well being. Restraining orders are often woefully ineffective, sometimes counter productive, and you are obviously not well enough to defend yourself, and even if you were - the only way to truly win a fight is to avoid it completely.

As hard as it is keep reaching out for help and eventually you'll find it.

Feel free to PM me, I want to see you swim then soar.

 

[coors light]

sorry to hear bout your problem i hate when people do scummy things like this to other people, he must be some asshole

 

[herbavore]

lalapanda, do you live with anyone else? I think psysci's advice about getting to a safe place with a relative somewhere else is good advice. Is that possible for you?


I found one number that might benefit you. I think it would be helpful if you had an advocate to help you deal with the police. This is something I found:
Getting Support After A Sexual Assault
Sexual assault is life changing, and there are many individuals and organizations committed to assisting survivors in regaining a sense of security, comfort, hopefulness, and empowerment. A listing of some local resources is available from the Portland Police Bureau's WomenStrength Program at (503) 823-0260. You could ask to have someone accompany you to help you through paperwork and interviews etc.

I am so sorry that this happened to you.