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Anorexia recovery stories?
- Thread starter Irmarose
- Start date
Hey Irmarose! Remember seeing you here last year good to see ya posting.
I have been through the Spectrum of ED's and Anorexia came in full throttle in my early twenties.
I wont go in to weight here but I didnt reach my goal and to this day I still get that niggling, feeling like I had failed at it-however I always enjoy giving the two fingers to that bullshit. However I realise that sense of failure is a lingering, insecurity that is there inside me anyway and still needs to be addressed.
I remember my lows came when I started comparing my body weight/shape to 6-8 yr old children. I became intensely obsessed with the childrens clothes departments and eventually could fit into some clothes that I would buy there. It wasnt enough, nothing was satisfying enough. Nothing brought any sense of achievement or self validation.
I hated myself-all the time.
I set out to become emotionally numb because I felt like my emotionality was too undisciplined and was making me lose face socially. When I became this cold detached being-I had nothing of myself left. I didnt care about anything; had no sexual feelings whatsoever, no feelings of warmth toward anyone and I tried to convince myself that I was protecting myself against the world. I could fight my hunger, master it and It fed my ego.
People started to notice me more though ''Oh your so skinny'' ''My God you look so different'' ''your tiny''
...I took this as validation. It was a huge 'Fuck you' to everyone who overlooked me and treated me like I was nothing. The game was all in my head though. I was miserable, couldnt validate myself, not even a fraction.
During this time I took alot of Stims. They were the only thing that seemed to help me feel and also would help quench my hunger. At this stage I was beginning to get frightened of using face creams in case my skin would absorb the Oil's from it.
Lost alot of friends. Missed Concerts, Childhood friends Weddings. Couldnt deal with any social gathering that involved me having to give anything of my personality, that I had now lost.
Took to hanging around with this guy who I had NOTHING in common with because I was so lonely and he had a thing for me. I really didnt give him anything of spirit either but he was just glad to have an object there that wouldn't talk much and go rolling with and make all the right noises for his ego. I used him for company, drugs etc and to feel wanted. He started to get pissed off with the fact I wouldnt sleep with him. One of his friends said I was fucking with his head. I was extremely paranoid.
I was devestated all the time. I was fucking with my own head.
Around that time my parents got me a Psychotherapist. He was a recovering Alcholic/Anorexic. He looked a little like David Bowie. I tried to not let him in but he was such a warm, beautiful person. He gave a shit and he talked to me like I was someone.
He told me I didnt have to trust him but I could have trust in the process and that there was nothing innately, wrong with me. He understood, he didnt talk crap. He was pretty straight with me about everything and was on my side. I thawed.
I found out in a family session that my mother had been abused by a family member. I realised that that was why she had been so angry and violent. All the Family 'disease' had been filtered through and clogged up in this state I was stuck in. It was such an incredible burden to be lifted, to see the patterns and mechanics of all the unconcious, shit be brought to light.
It started to make more sense.
As the sessions continued I started to get a sense of humour back. We would sneak out of the consultation room for coffee and cigarettes. He told me alot about his own life. He had the most beautiful androgyny about him both inside and out. After all the sexual competition between friends in the past, all the social hierarchy structures that I felt I could not decipher or break through, I finally had a place where I felt accepted as/for myself. I started to eat the sessions up I felt like I was getting to know myself again.
I learnt about Nutrition and how my brain had been so badly affected by a lack of it. I went for checks to the Docter. I started eating for nutritions sake, to heal my illness. I wanted my inner strength back. He taught me about Buddhism, 'encouraged me to go to College. I started going to a course. It was difficult socially at first. I was still preoccupied with my weight/shape but I was reaching out to people a bit more.
I am still Bulemic now. Although, it is less severe than previous times. It is sometimes still a struggle but overall I have good days and bad days. That is something I could have only dreamed of back in the days when I was locked inside a starving body.
I can catch myself when my head begins to compare body image. I dont read 'Womens Magazines' because I have no desire to be educated on 'cabbage soup diets and what celebrity has trouble shifting their baby weight'...I can see the mindless, moronic bullshit in life that fed off of my insecurity and I want to fight that shit so bad. I do fight it. I know where I stand. Am not a puppet anymore. I own myself.
Look after yourself hun, it is hard but you are worth it.
PM me anytime if you want.
I have been through the Spectrum of ED's and Anorexia came in full throttle in my early twenties.
I wont go in to weight here but I didnt reach my goal and to this day I still get that niggling, feeling like I had failed at it-however I always enjoy giving the two fingers to that bullshit. However I realise that sense of failure is a lingering, insecurity that is there inside me anyway and still needs to be addressed.
I remember my lows came when I started comparing my body weight/shape to 6-8 yr old children. I became intensely obsessed with the childrens clothes departments and eventually could fit into some clothes that I would buy there. It wasnt enough, nothing was satisfying enough. Nothing brought any sense of achievement or self validation.
I hated myself-all the time.
I set out to become emotionally numb because I felt like my emotionality was too undisciplined and was making me lose face socially. When I became this cold detached being-I had nothing of myself left. I didnt care about anything; had no sexual feelings whatsoever, no feelings of warmth toward anyone and I tried to convince myself that I was protecting myself against the world. I could fight my hunger, master it and It fed my ego.
People started to notice me more though ''Oh your so skinny'' ''My God you look so different'' ''your tiny''
...I took this as validation. It was a huge 'Fuck you' to everyone who overlooked me and treated me like I was nothing. The game was all in my head though. I was miserable, couldnt validate myself, not even a fraction.
During this time I took alot of Stims. They were the only thing that seemed to help me feel and also would help quench my hunger. At this stage I was beginning to get frightened of using face creams in case my skin would absorb the Oil's from it.
Lost alot of friends. Missed Concerts, Childhood friends Weddings. Couldnt deal with any social gathering that involved me having to give anything of my personality, that I had now lost.
Took to hanging around with this guy who I had NOTHING in common with because I was so lonely and he had a thing for me. I really didnt give him anything of spirit either but he was just glad to have an object there that wouldn't talk much and go rolling with and make all the right noises for his ego. I used him for company, drugs etc and to feel wanted. He started to get pissed off with the fact I wouldnt sleep with him. One of his friends said I was fucking with his head. I was extremely paranoid.
I was devestated all the time. I was fucking with my own head.
Around that time my parents got me a Psychotherapist. He was a recovering Alcholic/Anorexic. He looked a little like David Bowie. I tried to not let him in but he was such a warm, beautiful person. He gave a shit and he talked to me like I was someone.
He told me I didnt have to trust him but I could have trust in the process and that there was nothing innately, wrong with me. He understood, he didnt talk crap. He was pretty straight with me about everything and was on my side. I thawed.
I found out in a family session that my mother had been abused by a family member. I realised that that was why she had been so angry and violent. All the Family 'disease' had been filtered through and clogged up in this state I was stuck in. It was such an incredible burden to be lifted, to see the patterns and mechanics of all the unconcious, shit be brought to light.
It started to make more sense.
As the sessions continued I started to get a sense of humour back. We would sneak out of the consultation room for coffee and cigarettes. He told me alot about his own life. He had the most beautiful androgyny about him both inside and out. After all the sexual competition between friends in the past, all the social hierarchy structures that I felt I could not decipher or break through, I finally had a place where I felt accepted as/for myself. I started to eat the sessions up I felt like I was getting to know myself again.
I learnt about Nutrition and how my brain had been so badly affected by a lack of it. I went for checks to the Docter. I started eating for nutritions sake, to heal my illness. I wanted my inner strength back. He taught me about Buddhism, 'encouraged me to go to College. I started going to a course. It was difficult socially at first. I was still preoccupied with my weight/shape but I was reaching out to people a bit more.
I am still Bulemic now. Although, it is less severe than previous times. It is sometimes still a struggle but overall I have good days and bad days. That is something I could have only dreamed of back in the days when I was locked inside a starving body.
I can catch myself when my head begins to compare body image. I dont read 'Womens Magazines' because I have no desire to be educated on 'cabbage soup diets and what celebrity has trouble shifting their baby weight'...I can see the mindless, moronic bullshit in life that fed off of my insecurity and I want to fight that shit so bad. I do fight it. I know where I stand. Am not a puppet anymore. I own myself.
Look after yourself hun, it is hard but you are worth it.
PM me anytime if you want.elbastonroto
Greenlighter
Hello- please keep the faith in yourself…here’s a bit about my situation
I was raised by a manic depressive mother. I was, also, a ballet dancer. I started when I was 2…and ended up in a ballet company by age 12. In ballet culture, bulimia and anorexia are very common. I am very petite, but have an hourglass figure. So, I had to work extra hard to keep my weight down to the minimum. My mother, helpful as she was, helped me out in this endeavor by starving me…literally. The only food I got was what she allowed me, and after an entire day of rehearsals, she would come take me out to lunch to ensure that I did not eat much. The other girls all went and got a sub or a salad…I got carrots. So, my anorexia was really a learned habit. I remember being 7 years old and my mom not letting me have a slice of pizza at a party, because my belly was a bit pudgy. She also did things such as constantly telling me that my body type was not right for ballet, and she would joke about how big my ass was to the other mom’s of the other dancers. She embarrassed me, often. That only enforced my not eating.
I was underweight for years, until I went off to college. When I got to college, I started smoking a whole lot of pot and drinking, copiously; I just quit caring. And I gained 100 pounds. Yes- 100 lbs. A lot went into my eating, but I think it was just me being free of my mother and punishing myself. I felt so disgusting and I really hated myself during that period of time. I never looked in full-length mirrors and I went through a very long spell of depression and bulimia before I began getting healthy (the right way). And I quit dancing, which is the saddest part of this, to me. Dancing was and has always been my passion.
After 2-3 years of being over-weight, I finally saw the light. I went to the doctor and had a check-up and when she told me my weight, I almost passed out. How had I gone so far?????? That day, I began working out, on a daily basis and eating 1,200 cals a day. I lost 80 lbs. of my weight over the span of a year or so; I looked healthy and felt good- for the first time in my life, really. And I have maintained a healthy weight for almost 3 years!
Now, I’m getting back into dance…so…back to eating very little. But it’s different. Lots of healthy food, but enough calories to not affect my body in negative ways. I am married to a French chef…strange that an anorexic/bulimic ended up with a chef, I know, but he is great at finding ways for me to keep calories down and nutrition up. I will be honest with you and admit that I do still tend towards bulimia if I eat anything that I deem “unhealthy”. Like if I ate a cheeseburger or some cookies- the guilt overwhelms me. I really just try to avoid that food, because I still have a tendency to freak out once I’ve eaten it. And when I get upset I tend towards not eating, still. My husband is such a support to me, though. I hope that you have someone to lean on, and if not, feel free to pm me, as well. For me, the guilt was always what stopped me from eating- it just wasn’t worth it. But WE are worth it; YOU are worth it. We deserve to be healthy and happy. We really do. It is so difficult to see it that way- I know- but it is oh so true.
My future goal is to be able to eat a piece of cake without feeling any guilt. Food has controlled my life, in one way or another, for so long. I’m ready to finish taking it back, and I know that you can, also. I know that you can!!! Again, feel free to contact me.
I was raised by a manic depressive mother. I was, also, a ballet dancer. I started when I was 2…and ended up in a ballet company by age 12. In ballet culture, bulimia and anorexia are very common. I am very petite, but have an hourglass figure. So, I had to work extra hard to keep my weight down to the minimum. My mother, helpful as she was, helped me out in this endeavor by starving me…literally. The only food I got was what she allowed me, and after an entire day of rehearsals, she would come take me out to lunch to ensure that I did not eat much. The other girls all went and got a sub or a salad…I got carrots. So, my anorexia was really a learned habit. I remember being 7 years old and my mom not letting me have a slice of pizza at a party, because my belly was a bit pudgy. She also did things such as constantly telling me that my body type was not right for ballet, and she would joke about how big my ass was to the other mom’s of the other dancers. She embarrassed me, often. That only enforced my not eating.
I was underweight for years, until I went off to college. When I got to college, I started smoking a whole lot of pot and drinking, copiously; I just quit caring. And I gained 100 pounds. Yes- 100 lbs. A lot went into my eating, but I think it was just me being free of my mother and punishing myself. I felt so disgusting and I really hated myself during that period of time. I never looked in full-length mirrors and I went through a very long spell of depression and bulimia before I began getting healthy (the right way). And I quit dancing, which is the saddest part of this, to me. Dancing was and has always been my passion.
After 2-3 years of being over-weight, I finally saw the light. I went to the doctor and had a check-up and when she told me my weight, I almost passed out. How had I gone so far?????? That day, I began working out, on a daily basis and eating 1,200 cals a day. I lost 80 lbs. of my weight over the span of a year or so; I looked healthy and felt good- for the first time in my life, really. And I have maintained a healthy weight for almost 3 years!
Now, I’m getting back into dance…so…back to eating very little. But it’s different. Lots of healthy food, but enough calories to not affect my body in negative ways. I am married to a French chef…strange that an anorexic/bulimic ended up with a chef, I know, but he is great at finding ways for me to keep calories down and nutrition up. I will be honest with you and admit that I do still tend towards bulimia if I eat anything that I deem “unhealthy”. Like if I ate a cheeseburger or some cookies- the guilt overwhelms me. I really just try to avoid that food, because I still have a tendency to freak out once I’ve eaten it. And when I get upset I tend towards not eating, still. My husband is such a support to me, though. I hope that you have someone to lean on, and if not, feel free to pm me, as well. For me, the guilt was always what stopped me from eating- it just wasn’t worth it. But WE are worth it; YOU are worth it. We deserve to be healthy and happy. We really do. It is so difficult to see it that way- I know- but it is oh so true.
My future goal is to be able to eat a piece of cake without feeling any guilt. Food has controlled my life, in one way or another, for so long. I’m ready to finish taking it back, and I know that you can, also. I know that you can!!! Again, feel free to contact me.
*Hugz*