Anonymous TDS post - (Trigger warnings?)

[anonvent]

I'm not even sure why the fuck I'm posting this but I need to vent and I've got nobody to vent to given the circumstances.

After a calm few months I've started to feel my head slipping back to a dark place again.

The other day I sunk a bottle of vodka whilst in a fairly good mood. Was all going well until I got angry at myself for something fucking trivial and punched a hole through one of my windows.

Blood liberally painted across my hallway, treading in glass and the prospect of paying to replace the fucking thing didn't really help my mindset. It made me more angry, I ended up punching a wall and bruising the shit out of my already cut up hand.

Angered by my idiocy I self harmed for the first time in probably 6+ months. Not like I used to, cutting my upper leg where nobody could see, I went for my wrists, nothing too deep, I've thankfully never managed to bring myself to cut deep enough to do any real damage. But waking up with a raging hangover to find slashes on my wrists (that had been forgotten due to alcohol induced amnesia) still left a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Thankfully they were played off as injuries received as a result of my "fall" through the window so I've not had any unwanted attention.

One of my best friends killed himself not too long ago, it destroyed all of us and things still don't feel the same.

Whats more, BL has recently lost 2 active members who I spoke to (albeit infrequently) and it's hit me more than I thought it ever would.

It's compounded by the fact that my time on BL is something I've never mentioned to anybody, there's support mechanisms there to deal with my grieving over the loss of my close friend. Family & friends are aware of my relationship with him, but how the fuck do you explain what you're feeling over the loss of online acquaintances? I've never mentioned BL to anybody in "real life" so how can I get support for issues stemming from the forum?

I can't imagine anyone I know in real life understanding how recent online events have effected me.
Only 2 or 3 people in my life know I struggle mentally - the one that I'd trust enough to unload on has enough on their plate at the minute so there's nobody really I vent to.

I don't want to share the fact I've been posting on a drugs forum for 3+ years so I can't share my sadness about the deaths of my two online friends - Not to mention the stigma attached to forum use or the idea of having online friends you've never met.

Reading posts people made reminiscing made me think about the sort of things people said shortly after my RL friend died. Reading them today set me off into floods of tears over him, more than I've shed over him in months.

I still speak to (at?) him on through facebook regularly, sharing whatever the fuck pops into my head - Thats not normal and I fucking know its not, its a topic I touched on lightly with a RL friend but backpeddled when I realised I must be the only one and nothing more was said of it.

The crying fit induced from relating the sad deaths of our two EADDers pushed me to talk to my dead friend through facebook, it was going about as well as it could until I started talking to him about his upcoming memorial event.

I realised I fucking double booked, I know I'll never forgive myself if I miss the memorial so I'm spending a lot of money I can;t reallly afford to spend to rectify my fuck up - plans for summer more or less ruined unless I can pull a fair bit of money out of thin air.

Obsessing over rectifying my fuck up has obviously made things worse, lead me to eating 30mg diazepam with no doubt more to come and probably booze too - good job I've ran out of opiates or it could end badly.

I just really hope I can resist the urge to cut my legs to shreds but I it could well end up happening.

Fuck it - rant over. Read it or ignore it, offer advice or reprimand me. I just needed to share some things that I can't share with folk in real life.


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To readers, wall of text - apologies.

To mods, I'm guessing I can't post anonymously if this gets moved to TDS? I don't think there's anything I need to clarify though so feel free to move it there if this doesn't get any responses.

 

[alasdairm]

anon -> tds

alasdair

 

[herbavore]

My heart is breaking for you. There has been a rash--no, an epidemic that I am seeing my own fair share of--of intentional and accidental overdoses in my own life as well. It is not at all crazy to feel crazy over this. I don't know if you ever look at my son's shrine but I regularly talk to him there. I don't care if it looks pathetic or futile or crazy--it helps me and my survival to "talk" to the person that I never wanted to have to stop talking to. I think that most people would understand when you post on your friend's Facebook and if they don't, too bad. Your friend was obviously loved and held a big place in a lot of lives. Every single person that cherished his life has the right to grieve in their own way without ever once having to think of what is proper. Timetables, proscribed stages, expected behaviors--these are all bullshit. Grief is a solo journey and when you have to bottle it up for any reason at all, the self destruction starts.

Cutting and smashing your hand through glass is actually somewhat logical, though not a desirable reaction. There are days I know there are no words for this kind of despair and frustration. You want control in a realm where you have none. If you can focus on that the futility of that need for control and try to re-frame your response away from all the "whys" and towards some acceptance, it will do you a lot of good.

As far as sharing that you lost two friends on an online drug forum:
I am almost 60 years old. No one in my circle of friends uses any kind of drugs with the exception of pot, either recreationally or for sleep. Most of them have never been to a forum, don't really use Facebook even and don't "chat" in any way online. At first I felt shy about talking about Bluelight but then I just thought, fuck that! That is the kind of bullshit that contributed to ending my son's life--all the shame around drug use, the ridiculous and arbitrary labeling of one drug as medicine, one as harmless fun and another as criminal--and I decided then and there to never be party to that despicable thinking again--even with silence. I feel like many people like me (before my involvement with Bluelight) just don't have the exposure to understand the incredible community that an online forum can be. For one thing, the anonymity allows people to be brutally honest and share intimate details of their lives in ways that would take years of friendship IRL. You might try one or two trusted family members or friends at first. All this secret keeping is why we turn on ourselves when we should be turning to each other.

Please, try to forgive yourself for everything--the cutting, the window, taking the benzos and drinking, but most especially anything you might be telling yourself you could have done better with any of your friends that have died. Believe me, as a parent of someone that died of an overdose, I know the depth and insanity of guilt. Each one of us ultimately decides what to do with all that we cannot control in our lives. As the Buddhist say, when you suffer an incredible loss, you can either shut down or you can choose to open. You can abandon compassion for your self or you can choose it. I hope that you will choose compassion for yourself because from that comes compassion for everything and everyone else. We need all we can get. And I have to add, that I see more of it on Bluelight than I do in my town right now.

take care and much love.