Anniversary of my son's death

[LilikoiMoon]

January is a bad month for me. As I type this right now, I'm glancing at my son's photo...a toddler, with light blonde hair, big blue eyes, dressed in his little overalls, blue and gray striped shirt, balancing with his fingertips against a bench, smiling. A moment captured in time, just weeks before his death.

Since his murder, my heart has never been the same, and while I've poured what emotions I can into my surviving children, I still have spells when I feel so empty inside.

We were cheated, robbed, like a thief in the night, that creep stole my most precious child. A toddler, defenseless, beaten to death by a dirty, coward thief. My son was robbed of school, growing up with his siblings, every little life experience from 3 yrs old to 15, he'd be taking his drivers permit test this year, possibly starting high school, yet nothing.

All I have is memories and his precious giggle that plays through my head like a distant melody. I want him to come to me so badly, in my dreams, our sacred place where I can feel his breath against my cheek, feel his little heart as he falls into my lap after play, my fingertips stroking his hair gently and my lips against his tiny forehead, arms wrapped so tight around him, verbal praise for just being him.

I yearn for something...seed of memory, or a dream.

 

[takingmylifeaway]

Of course, there is nothing..there is nothing I can say or bring you solace. I do not know the details of what happened to your boy, nor the details of the person who did it, but I do know you have to try and let go of some of the anger towards them (almost impossible I know). It will rot your soul from the inside out. Whatever the case may be, I hope they have been executed or serving life for whatever he did to your family. It *might* help to remember that in this one life we all get, your beautiful boy never had top experience all the fucked up things (like what you're going through) that happen in this world. It may or may not help you to remember that in addition to the many good things of course, your son will never have to have his heart devastated by a woman who doesn't care about him. He'll never have to get betrayed by a best friend. He'll never have to fail at something that was oh so important to him as a teenager..He'll never have to watch his mother pass away (something that terrifies me). He'll never have to experience war, injustice, unfairness etc. He got to come into this world, and spend 3 years playing with a beautiful and attentive mother, smiling, playing with toys, snuggling and being loved with no problems, no stress, no fear...just love. He got the very best part of the life you gave to him.

Look, this probably won't help, as I can sometimes see the world through different eyes than most. I just felt like I needed to say *something* to you after your heartfelt post brought tears to me eyes.

If nothing else, maybe it's just helpful to know that you spoke, and I heard you, loud and clear.

 

[herbavore]

I am so sorry. I understand so well how there is no real end to grief for a child. The horror of a murder of an innocent little toddler is incomprehensible. I hope you will get your dream. I find that they rarely happen which is something I can't comprehend when so much of waking life is spent in missing and yearning. Does it help you to write? I wish I could offer comfort. I know there is no comfort for some things. Be good to yourself, Lili.