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Anniversary of mother's death. Good excuse for using?

captaincaveman

captaincaveman

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 30, 2007
Messages
246
Location
london
Hey peeps,

It's the anniversary of my mother's death tomorrow. I took the day off work citing a stomach bug (I haven't had a sick day since starting) and was allowed home. Now I've lost both my parents, my dad died when I was only a kid but my mother died three years ago. It screwed me up and I don't know whether I can go her grave sober. I can't drink but might need something to get through the day. I'm thinking benzos or maybe an opiate of some type. Having had issues with practically all substances I've taken, I'm not sure it's a good idea. The reason i'm going to the grave is pay my respects but I suppose it's not very respectful to go on drugs. I don't know what to do. Has anyone else lost someone close and needed anything to get through the funeral or anniversy (I went to her funeral sober but drank for a week straight the next day)?
Also it's a friends 30th tomorrow so if I've taken something it could escalate into something much worse (alcohol being the worst).
Appreciate anyone reading this and offering advice.

Cheers,
CC
 
While I haven't had that experience, I do know that tragedies and victories are often "good excuses to use". But if you've got clean time, you know there really is no good excuse to use.

I say, you bring yourself to an epiphany by going sober. Go sober. Weep, wail. Or laugh at the absurdity of the human condition. I think this an opportunity for you to break through to a new level of existence. If you can do THIS sober, you can do ANYthing.

The chance of escalation into worse habits/former habits is reason enough not to use. The chance of an incredible leap in self growth is even better.

You have more strength than you know. Don't sell yourself short.

But if you must use, and do use, don't beat yourself up about it.
Addicts fuck up. So if you fuck up, dust yourself off and don't go into that self-loathing guilt.
Just move on.

But really, you can do this sober.
I suggest you arrive with something symbolic of your love for your mom and something symbolic of your own struggles.
I humbly suggest you sit at the grave and meditate on her life, on your life, and empty your mind as you can.

You are a wonderful person.
You owe yourself kindness and an opportunity to heal,
to breakthrough, to love yourself evermore.

All my blessings, hope, kindness, warmth, and love.

podsnomo

p.s. (If you really wanted to use, you would just use without asking this. SO, I think you really don't wanna. :-)
 
Imagine if your parents were still alive. Do you think it would make them proud to see you throw away your sobriety on account of them?
 
Cheers guys, I was expecting replies like 'come on mate, it was three years ago, man up'. Podsnomo are you a therapist by any chance? Because what you said reminds of what my one says me. Thanks, .really appreciated that. Villian, you're right as well. I imagine sometimes that they might be looking down at me. I put my mum through hell when she was dying, as I was in a hell of a mess. Luckily I pulled it together just in time so she died in peace. If I hadn't I can't honestly say that I think I would still be here, the guilt would have killed me (this happened to a cousin of mine who drank through his fathers terminal illness barely made it to the funeral, died of an overdose a few years ago). Right no drugs and let out some emotion (which I never do)
Thanks
 
Those sort of anniversaries are the hardest to cope with.
I'm really feeling for you man.
I hope you can make it through the day without using. You will feel a lot better if you go visit her sober.
It's already going to be a dark part of your day, I can only imagine jumping on something like opiates will add an alarming amount of weight onto your conscience.
Take care, and remember to enjoy life to the fullest!

<3
 
Don't through away your clean time for anything. It would be much better to visit your mothers grave with a clear head and proper emotions.
Live your life how your mum would have wanted you to.
 
If u don't feel strong enough 2 go sober - think of her elsewhere, say a prayer, write her a letter, plant something, cos it would be lovely 2 pay ur respects at her grave, but ur mum will know u r thinkin of her n dedicatin ur thoughts 2 her wherever u r. N I'm sure she wud much rather u visit her grave another time, when u r more able 2 cope wivout usin summat 2 get thru the visit, or goin on a bender after.
Hope ur alrite, thinkin of u.
 
No, I'm not a therapist, but thanks for compliment, I think. :)

I'm thinking of you today too.

Be well,
pods
 
First off, Id' like to express my condolences for your mother, as I can most certainly relate.

June 13th was the 3rd anniversary of my father's passing. So you could imagine, that day and Father's day are especially hard. I already suffer from bad depression/anxiety/ptsd and on those days I did way too much heroin/benzos and nearly OD'd each time. Us addicts always go to drugs as a first choice for relieving pain, both physical and emotional. But in reality it isn't worth it. AFter those two scary close calls I'm checking back into rehab tomorrow for a dual diagnosis inpatient program to try and deal with my emotional issues properly. After all of these years of heroin/benzo addiction, jail, rehabs, etc.. I feel like I am finally done. I'm excited I am going and hope things go well for me.

WIsh me luck everyone!
 
Hi Capt.
I'm really sorry for your loss. A close friend of mine lost his mom a few years ago. He and his brother and sister go to her grave and share a bottle of her favorite wine, a glass for each of them, and a glass they pour on her grave. I thought and still think that's a nice way to remember her, and to spend some together. My friend shouldn't drink, he's been through AA and rehab, etc.

But they still celebrate Mother's Day, her bday, and the anniversary of her death, in this way.

Again, I'm very sorry for your loss... but if you are staying clear of substances, stay clear no matter what. If you can find a reason to use you drug of choice, you can find a reason and pretty soon you'll find lots of reason.

Be careful. Be well.
 
The first anniversary of my mother's death was this year. It felt like swallowing glass. My mother was everything to me.

All I can say is that if I returned to active addiction, my mother would not want that for me. She would want me to be happy and fulfilled. I can say with complete confidence that your own mother would want the same for you.
 
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dont try to find an excuse to use, their realy easy to find. if you want to stay clean do it, but if not go get loaded.
 
Missykins, I wish I could say something helpful... your description of having the anniversary of your mother's death as "swallowing glass" and the fact that she was everything to you brings tears to my eyes. I have read your posts on BL many times but I did not know your mom had passed away.

I called my mom right after I read your post. Thank you for your brutal honesty. My mom is 73 and I don't know how I will handle it when she is gone. I will remember your description of "swallowing glass" forever, though.

I can only imagine your grief. Please know that you have given me a warning, and I appreciate it. I take your words into my heart.

Thank you for posting as you did. Much love to you.
 
ugly said:
Missykins, I wish I could say something helpful... your description of having the anniversary of your mother's death as "swallowing glass" and the fact that she was everything to you brings tears to my eyes. I have read your posts on BL many times but I did not know your mom had passed away.

I called my mom right after I read your post. Thank you for your brutal honesty. My mom is 73 and I don't know how I will handle it when she is gone. I will remember your description of "swallowing glass" forever, though.

I can only imagine your grief. Please know that you have given me a warning, and I appreciate it. I take your words into my heart.

Thank you for posting as you did. Much love to you.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your kind words. I take comfort in knowing that she would want me to live a full life, one that does not include using. Funny how it was her, and few others in my family, who had the best understanding of my addiction and the greatest desire for me to stay clean.

And always call your mother, whether she be forty-three or eighty-three, because you never know.
 
Missykins said:
Thank you for your kind words. I take comfort in knowing that she would want me to live a full life, one that does not include using. Funny how it was her, and few others in my family, who had the best understanding of my addiction and the greatest desire for me to stay clean.

And always call your mother, whether she be forty-three or eighty-three, because you never know.
Click to expand...

Missykins, I've read you posts all over here, and I'm always either entertained, inspired, or both. Good advice. Luckily, my mum stays with me at my place a couple nights a week when she comes into town to work. Sometimes she gets on my nerves (because I'm a crabby effing addict) but I always try to remember how much I love her and how lucky I am she's still here when I'm getting frumpy.

Thanks for sharing your pain and advice.

pnm
 
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