I woke up today angry. Angry and ashamed.
I cried one of those cries with little tears but just a wail right from my Stomach.
I could only think of how I wish I didnt have this fucking body to carry around-I hate it!
Now I just feel tired. I ate my way through the last few days. Im so fucking bored and Cold and unfullfilled. D is annoying me, he's horny every fucking morning and I just dont want him to touch me. Im tired. Its a lovely day out and I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. The water tank is broken so the heat wont work and the shower water is cold. I hate the cold. If I had my car Id just drive somewhere.
I hate christmas. I hate all the fucking pemature Advertising on the radio and t.v for it.
I hate the way im going to have to pretend I enjoy shopping with my Mother during the holidays. I hate that she knows I do this and still carries on with the Facade. I hate that I have no family except for them. I hate that my scope is so small at the moment.
I hate that the last Interviewer kept smiling wryly at me all the while, knowing I wasnt going to get the job.
I hate that people treat me like im an idiot.
I blame the way I look for this.
Sometimes I want to be a two ton, colossal man who could annihalate the shit out of everyone he wants.
I hate that while watching the Police Crime re-enacment show on tv last night, when I saw women being attacked, I fantasised about
how I would just attack them back. I hate that I cant deal with my own vulnerability.
I hate the Physical and Social constraints of being a woman.
I hate that yesterday, 2 men brutally murdered their children and wive's and all the tv commentators were analysing were why the Government is bringing shame on the country.
I hate that the pressure people are under because of 'political gambling' is making people sick and killing them.
I hate the lie called 'Democracy'
I hate that every citizen is worshiping an ego ideal set down by 'Social Conditioning' by the Selfishly blind corrupters of life.
I hate that my circulation system is shit.
I hate that D doesnt express his emotions verbally.
I hate that he lies and manipulates.
I hate that prick that molested my mother.
I hate that people have kids and cant give them what they need.
I hate the cult of worshipping labels and things of high monetary worth.
I hate that I cant control my appetite.
I hate that I have so much flesh on my bones.
I hate the way it draws attention to my physical mass.
I hate that im not forming this blog entry into a more structured set of paragraphs.
I hate that we cant all read each others minds and hearts desire.
I hate that sometimes my idea of whats true for me usually ends up being right.
I know this is true, and it guides me but I dont want to know what I know.
I dont want to be delude either.
I dont know what i want.
I hate that!!!!!!!!!!!
I cried one of those cries with little tears but just a wail right from my Stomach.
I could only think of how I wish I didnt have this fucking body to carry around-I hate it!
Now I just feel tired. I ate my way through the last few days. Im so fucking bored and Cold and unfullfilled. D is annoying me, he's horny every fucking morning and I just dont want him to touch me. Im tired. Its a lovely day out and I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. The water tank is broken so the heat wont work and the shower water is cold. I hate the cold. If I had my car Id just drive somewhere.
I hate christmas. I hate all the fucking pemature Advertising on the radio and t.v for it.
I hate the way im going to have to pretend I enjoy shopping with my Mother during the holidays. I hate that she knows I do this and still carries on with the Facade. I hate that I have no family except for them. I hate that my scope is so small at the moment.
I hate that the last Interviewer kept smiling wryly at me all the while, knowing I wasnt going to get the job.
I hate that people treat me like im an idiot.
I blame the way I look for this.
Sometimes I want to be a two ton, colossal man who could annihalate the shit out of everyone he wants.
I hate that while watching the Police Crime re-enacment show on tv last night, when I saw women being attacked, I fantasised about
how I would just attack them back. I hate that I cant deal with my own vulnerability.
I hate the Physical and Social constraints of being a woman.
I hate that yesterday, 2 men brutally murdered their children and wive's and all the tv commentators were analysing were why the Government is bringing shame on the country.
I hate that the pressure people are under because of 'political gambling' is making people sick and killing them.
I hate the lie called 'Democracy'
I hate that every citizen is worshiping an ego ideal set down by 'Social Conditioning' by the Selfishly blind corrupters of life.
I hate that my circulation system is shit.
I hate that D doesnt express his emotions verbally.
I hate that he lies and manipulates.
I hate that prick that molested my mother.
I hate that people have kids and cant give them what they need.
I hate the cult of worshipping labels and things of high monetary worth.
I hate that I cant control my appetite.
I hate that I have so much flesh on my bones.
I hate the way it draws attention to my physical mass.
I hate that im not forming this blog entry into a more structured set of paragraphs.
I hate that we cant all read each others minds and hearts desire.
I hate that sometimes my idea of whats true for me usually ends up being right.
I know this is true, and it guides me but I dont want to know what I know.
I dont want to be delude either.
I dont know what i want.
I hate that!!!!!!!!!!!