OK, this is a weird story and probably not a lot of people will sympathize, but basically due to some things I've done in the past, I can honestly say my life, job future, future relationships and family, are possibly all ruined for real. And I am not talking about problems with drugs.
Over a decade ago I started modeling, just little jobs, but they paid well, and I acted and sang since I was little. I met some folks who just got together and drank and shot little naughty home videos and photos of themselves, FOR themselves, often just destroyed after they were made, or locked up in a safe. They were all successful and pretty normal and not porn people, they just liked to party and needed some extra money. So quite a few girls and one guy would get together and have naked parties, rolling, drinking, or whatnot, talking about all kinds of things the whole time. Sometimes sex happened, sometimes not, but when it did it was always playful, like we were joking around. It wasn't fake like porn, nor was it like real-life. We were goofing around.
I happened to get some "fans" for my non-nude work (no one knew about the nude stuff.) Mainly everything was online, all the jobs, shoots, networking, etc. it was when models and actors were first starting to use the net to try to get work, not at all like it is now! And I got quite a few legit, real gigs.
But I ended up not going into those fields except for side work. I went into actually running a real porn site and a couple other non porn sites, with the guy I mentioned before. We had it legitimately set up and everything. I ended up doing a lot of shoots with him and girls who were NOT models and were NOT signing releases or anything, it was all strictly NOT supposed to be shown anywhere.
Well jump forward to a few years ago, somehow a couple of guys who were following my career stumbled upon my business partner, after I'd already moved on to another job. FOR SOME REASON (he had no reason to out me, we did not have a falling out, and he was already rich so did not need the $, AND he's from a well-known family who would disown him if they found out) he sold many of the private videos to a few guys. Not just of me, but of other girls who also never signed a release agreement nor who got paid as much as they would have if it were real porn. Those few guys who bought the vids decided to go to online forums, giving my ENTIRE WHOLE NAME, WHERE I LIVE, my history, the whole nine yards. Anyone who does a simple Google search can type in my name and BAM see a ton of postings saying i shot porn, giving my fake name, asking where they can find more videos, etc.
I was GONE for a year, in jail and rehab, and while I was gone was when all this stuff started to leak. So I was slammed with it when I got out in April. Mainly a "frenemy" of mine, a guy who is a little twerp who used to be my friend but who now just likes to see me struggle, pointed out EVERYTHING to me, all the postings, photos, he bought ALL the videos and tried to make me watch them as if I won an Academy Award for them!!! I was furious but so upset I just avoided it all. I can go on pretending it didn't happen forever, but the say is gonna come when someone I care about is going to confront me about it all, and it *WILL* keep me from getting jobs, being with certain people, no one will want me around their kids or boyfriends/husbands/sons, etc.
I often wake up with dread, thinking I totally have really fucked my life up for good and there's no future for me. i feel I'll be living with ma and pa forever, working some little jobs that will take me even with my ruined name and reputation, never to have another real relationship again, not to mention marriage or kids.
And on top of that I have the arrest/jail record and drugs. Whether I go sober or not, the drugs will always be part of my past.
AND I spent almost 3 years as a bikini gogo dancer, which *I* liked but everyone else is going to judge that too... AND I even was a high-price escort for 2 months like 5 years ago, which NO I don't need to tell anyone, but it will always remain in my memory of a time I was NOT happy with, granted the cash was excellent.
I mean, i have two BAs from a great university, I did have real work experience, and real meaningful relationships, but I feel like I chose to throw them all away. yes there were real reasons why i did everything and I never MEANT for it to hinder my life, but due to one person who broke the trust and started all the floodgates to open, now I just feel like I have a wasted life.
I know i'm smart and talented and kind and helpful and loving and REAL, but other people might not give a shit about any of that. All many of them will see, once they find out, is, "She had sex on video for the world to see AND she didn't even get paid much for it, how stupid can she be?" In this country, I'll be judged as no morals, no values, no self-respect, no dignity, no ambition, no brains!
I KNOW there are SO many people who choose to do really evil things but they manage to keep it private so they can still appear decent. I can't do that. I've never hurt anyone, used people to get what I want or need, exploited anyone, robbed, etc. But people are still going to judge based on what they find out, especially if it's good gossip... and my situations provide a lot of gossip fodder and jokes about me.
Every day I wake up afraid I'm going to be confronted about this. It has not happened yet. I KNOW some of my friends/family must know and are not saying anything. But some of them don't have a clue, and when they find out, seeing the images and words for themselves, I really have nothing to say about it and I know it's going to ruin or really hurt some of my relations.
I can't remove the stuff online, it's too widely spread. And the guy who betrayed me and the other girls and sold the stuff, well, he contacted me a few months ago with a serious suicide letter, details and everything. I do not know if he did it. I did talk with him, and did not talk about the videos, but was trying to get him to not feel suicidal... He said he was going to another country. I haven't heard from him, but I also have not seen his obituary and he has a semi-big name so it would have been in the paper.
WOW I wrote a lot. Well it's been eating me up for a long time and i can't TELL anyone! There are the few people who found out about this and told me, and they know I do not want to talk about it. I am always afraid meeting new people, thinking if I get to know them, it's just a matter of time before they see the XXX footage. It's not like I'm a real porn star who can shrug it off. I'm a NON porn girl who is now online doing porn that wasn't supposed to be seen by anyone other than us.
(Lesson folks? Don't do ANYTHING on camera. NOTHING. NO MATTER WHAT.)
Over a decade ago I started modeling, just little jobs, but they paid well, and I acted and sang since I was little. I met some folks who just got together and drank and shot little naughty home videos and photos of themselves, FOR themselves, often just destroyed after they were made, or locked up in a safe. They were all successful and pretty normal and not porn people, they just liked to party and needed some extra money. So quite a few girls and one guy would get together and have naked parties, rolling, drinking, or whatnot, talking about all kinds of things the whole time. Sometimes sex happened, sometimes not, but when it did it was always playful, like we were joking around. It wasn't fake like porn, nor was it like real-life. We were goofing around.
I happened to get some "fans" for my non-nude work (no one knew about the nude stuff.) Mainly everything was online, all the jobs, shoots, networking, etc. it was when models and actors were first starting to use the net to try to get work, not at all like it is now! And I got quite a few legit, real gigs.
But I ended up not going into those fields except for side work. I went into actually running a real porn site and a couple other non porn sites, with the guy I mentioned before. We had it legitimately set up and everything. I ended up doing a lot of shoots with him and girls who were NOT models and were NOT signing releases or anything, it was all strictly NOT supposed to be shown anywhere.
Well jump forward to a few years ago, somehow a couple of guys who were following my career stumbled upon my business partner, after I'd already moved on to another job. FOR SOME REASON (he had no reason to out me, we did not have a falling out, and he was already rich so did not need the $, AND he's from a well-known family who would disown him if they found out) he sold many of the private videos to a few guys. Not just of me, but of other girls who also never signed a release agreement nor who got paid as much as they would have if it were real porn. Those few guys who bought the vids decided to go to online forums, giving my ENTIRE WHOLE NAME, WHERE I LIVE, my history, the whole nine yards. Anyone who does a simple Google search can type in my name and BAM see a ton of postings saying i shot porn, giving my fake name, asking where they can find more videos, etc.
I was GONE for a year, in jail and rehab, and while I was gone was when all this stuff started to leak. So I was slammed with it when I got out in April. Mainly a "frenemy" of mine, a guy who is a little twerp who used to be my friend but who now just likes to see me struggle, pointed out EVERYTHING to me, all the postings, photos, he bought ALL the videos and tried to make me watch them as if I won an Academy Award for them!!! I was furious but so upset I just avoided it all. I can go on pretending it didn't happen forever, but the say is gonna come when someone I care about is going to confront me about it all, and it *WILL* keep me from getting jobs, being with certain people, no one will want me around their kids or boyfriends/husbands/sons, etc.
I often wake up with dread, thinking I totally have really fucked my life up for good and there's no future for me. i feel I'll be living with ma and pa forever, working some little jobs that will take me even with my ruined name and reputation, never to have another real relationship again, not to mention marriage or kids.
And on top of that I have the arrest/jail record and drugs. Whether I go sober or not, the drugs will always be part of my past.
AND I spent almost 3 years as a bikini gogo dancer, which *I* liked but everyone else is going to judge that too... AND I even was a high-price escort for 2 months like 5 years ago, which NO I don't need to tell anyone, but it will always remain in my memory of a time I was NOT happy with, granted the cash was excellent.
I mean, i have two BAs from a great university, I did have real work experience, and real meaningful relationships, but I feel like I chose to throw them all away. yes there were real reasons why i did everything and I never MEANT for it to hinder my life, but due to one person who broke the trust and started all the floodgates to open, now I just feel like I have a wasted life.
I know i'm smart and talented and kind and helpful and loving and REAL, but other people might not give a shit about any of that. All many of them will see, once they find out, is, "She had sex on video for the world to see AND she didn't even get paid much for it, how stupid can she be?" In this country, I'll be judged as no morals, no values, no self-respect, no dignity, no ambition, no brains!
I KNOW there are SO many people who choose to do really evil things but they manage to keep it private so they can still appear decent. I can't do that. I've never hurt anyone, used people to get what I want or need, exploited anyone, robbed, etc. But people are still going to judge based on what they find out, especially if it's good gossip... and my situations provide a lot of gossip fodder and jokes about me.
Every day I wake up afraid I'm going to be confronted about this. It has not happened yet. I KNOW some of my friends/family must know and are not saying anything. But some of them don't have a clue, and when they find out, seeing the images and words for themselves, I really have nothing to say about it and I know it's going to ruin or really hurt some of my relations.
I can't remove the stuff online, it's too widely spread. And the guy who betrayed me and the other girls and sold the stuff, well, he contacted me a few months ago with a serious suicide letter, details and everything. I do not know if he did it. I did talk with him, and did not talk about the videos, but was trying to get him to not feel suicidal... He said he was going to another country. I haven't heard from him, but I also have not seen his obituary and he has a semi-big name so it would have been in the paper.
WOW I wrote a lot. Well it's been eating me up for a long time and i can't TELL anyone! There are the few people who found out about this and told me, and they know I do not want to talk about it. I am always afraid meeting new people, thinking if I get to know them, it's just a matter of time before they see the XXX footage. It's not like I'm a real porn star who can shrug it off. I'm a NON porn girl who is now online doing porn that wasn't supposed to be seen by anyone other than us.
(Lesson folks? Don't do ANYTHING on camera. NOTHING. NO MATTER WHAT.)
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
