..Ane when I thought it was over!

[Dr.kush]

..And when I thought it was over!

I cannot really remember how long ago exactly it was when I shot up heroin the last time, but over a year it has been! To be honest, I caught a "buzz" from my Vicodin I was prescribed after getting my wisdom teeth removed. Of course, with the strange lingering tolerance I have to opiates, I had to take around 3 Vicodins, still NOTHING compared to "the good ole days" and it gave me the little splash of euphoria and my brain said "ahhh." That was some months ago, like 3 or 4.

I stopped smoking cigarettes, taking my SSRI's (a HUGE challenge which produced horrible anxiety, I weened off Celexa and Remeron.) I pretty much stay clean. Though, since I have not slept normally since about 12 years old ( I am 18 now) I need chemicals to help me sleep. Which is every night, Unisom, Valerian root, and melatonin.

Recently have been getting intense waves of depression that produce only one thought in my mind: OPIATES! I have not craved drugs since the last day I did "cotton shots" before I went into my 4th rehab. Now they are very intense, to the point I actually start to day dream about the euphoric bliss opiates gave me. Even drugs I am not too fond of like Barbiturates, benzo's, alcohol, etc. Have been on my mind. A week or two ago I almost had a panic attack from thoughts of getting high again, and was to the point where I actually attempted to find the Vicodin my mom hid from me.

Sorry for the rant, but it is really upsetting me that I thought I was over it and doing well, and now all I can think of is getting high. I know I am very lucky, I started heroin a week before my 15th birthday, and opiate pills way before that. The rehab counsler who I got to know well after going there 3 times always said how lucky I am, and how much I scare her for I could have been dead before my 16th birthday. And now, my brain is craving that shit again.

Is it that my brain is STILL hardwired to equate depression to using opiates?

 

[Swimmingdancer]

Yeah, I think so. Once you've spent a lot of time using opioids as the go-to coping mechanism for any depression, anxiety, etc, that thought is always buried in the back of your mind when those issues come up. The good news as you've obviously found (since you've gone a year without heroin) is that it does get a lot easier with time, those cravings get less and less frequent and hold less power over you. But I think it's unrealistic to expect to never have any cravings. My technique is just to be conscious of the craving should one arise and remember that I don't have to actually act on it. I try to remember all the reasons I don't want to go back to using and set myself back, and that there are other ways to cope with depression, anxiety and pain. I wrote a whole huge post on here about coping with cravings if you are interested.

Stay strong

 

[SkagKush]

Cravings can be a huge issue for many, and from my personal experience there is several ways to deal with it.

1) Ill be the first to mention aa / na, and doing the steps to have the obsession removed... which i can say truly does work if you work it honestly.

2) Really try to start a new path in life. Go back to school, get a new job, or start a work out regiment etc.

3) As swimmingdancer mentioned, with time it continues to get better, but waiting it out is usually enough to drive most mad. Lets get proactive?

Best of luck to you... BL is a great place for support.

 

[Swimmingdancer]

3) As swimmingdancer mentioned, with time it continues to get better, but waiting it out is usually enough to drive most mad. Lets get proactive?

Yes, of course, I hope I didn't sound like I was suggesting merely waiting as a way of coping with cravings. Just explaining that while they rarely completely go away one can be reassured that they get better with time. Personally I think the biggest thing one can do to help deal with cravings is to change your way of thinking about them. They don't have to have power over us, we can gently acknowledge they are there and choose not to act on them. It is empowering to realize that having a craving doesn't mean we have to use.

 

[SkagKush]

^ no I didn't think it came across that way at all. Just agreeing with you, and adding my own flavour to it.

 

[herbavore]

Dr. Kush, while I can totally understand how vulnerable it makes you feel to have this resurface, I'd like to kind of build on the last thing swimmingdancer said, which is that it is actually so empowering to understand that a craving can be overcome. The craving itself may happen, but your ability to deal with it and move on is the skill that you need to develop; and developing a skill is developing both practical strategies and rational thought patterns and reinforcing them with repetition. Over time the craving trigger becomes the craving annoyance and finally a passing thought.

Don't let yourself get discouraged. Use this as a teaching moment for your mind. When stuff like this comes up it is so much easier to confront than when it is way down in the murky unconscious. Face it, look it in the eye, and tell it you are going to turn it around.

 

[jaspersilence]

I'm not going to shove it down your throat my friend...Try prayer

 

[Vaya]

Hi,

I am a recovering opiate addict, too. These cravings are familiar to me, as well (disgustingly, sometimes!). They are VERY real sensations of an urgent nature so compelling that it sometimes feels as though your mind might as well be telling you, trumping the mere 'want,' that you NEED opiates that very moment - no?

I find these thoughts disturbing, too, as no doubt they are liable to be when our own mind is transmitting strong messages to itself that that very same mind simultaneously knows to be symptoms of incorrect thinking. I've certainly experienced what it is to be stuck in a stalemate with myself, and in my experience, it has been no easy task to live with these urges. I feel as though I ought to echo what swimmingdancer and herbavore posted regarding the nature of cravings - they can be overcome.

I think this concept was easiest for me to sit with and stomach when I came to the realization that my cravings were largely responses to external stressors, and not actually pathological. They weren't consciously directed thoughts, but reactions to my emotional feathers having been ruffled. No one *enjoys* feeling displeasure. When we train ourselves for long, intense periods of time in particular ways of avoiding discomfort, sometimes the most self-destructive methods end up being the most difficult to unlearn!

When I feel the wave of cravings for drugs I've come to view them as warning signs of an emotional challenge, and as such I know that I need to immediately increase my awareness of what is going on around me. Why, SO suddenly, do I feel like getting high again? What is it I might like to be avoiding if I were to get high?

In this sense, my cravings-turned-hypervigilence against adverse emotions actually serve a consolidating purpose. I thought that they would forever be destructive to me and that living with them was but another cross to bear. But I also know, from these starry-eyed periods of first-discovery until now, that I can not always be so unshakably rational about my cravings. There are times when they have induced panic attacks and lead me to muse on alternative ways to self-destruct even if I don't pick up the dope again. You're not alone in your thinking, OP, and you absolutely are lucky to be alive today (as am I ).

You and I, along with still many others here, know the blissful rewards that even our best using days simply can't match.

Do your best to check yourself for any vulnerabilities to relapse as often as you feel comfortable, but more than the bare minimum you feel might be required for you to stay clean today. Ad every day thereafter - but one day at a time. Please.

"This, too, shall pass..."

Stay well,
~ Vaya

 

[Pagey]

Is it that my brain is STILL hardwired to equate depression to using opiates?

It sounds like it.
When you've had massive problems with opiates (or any other drug for that matter), which it sounds like you did, it really is a lifelong battle to stay clean - but it does get easier with time. It's perfectly normal for you to equate drugs with dealing with depression, but what you need to remember is how much deeper into depression these drugs have the potential of plunging you. Shooting up again will only be such a short relief, and then just think about how much you'll hate yourself for it. The problem when we're craving is that we tend to only remember the good times we had with drugs, and conveniently erase all the horrible shit that came with it and that made it so not worth it. You don't have to do this. Maybe you could try some NA meetings? Hearing other people's war stories might help you remember why you're better off clean. You can do this dude

 

[Dr.kush]

Thanks everyone for your replies! The night I wrote this thread I had my first using dream in a very long time, and I could feel the rush of shooting up vividly, however, then I remember worrying how I was going to tell my girlfriend I started doing drugs, again.

I have relapsed four times, and I remember the horrid feeling it brings after the initial enjoyment of the high.

It was a real wake up call for me, that I can still have intense cravings for drugs, while not actually wanting to use them. I remember countless times getting high and then saying "I am tired of this shit, but let me do it again 'one more time!'"

I know my brain is still growing, and I am still growing as a person. I have not dealt with life and feelings since about 13- only 5 years, but a very important five years in most peoples life.