And yet...

[KAZ]

Deep down, I know something is wrong. I feel it. Why do you always say "I don't know?" you ask, just like my mom used to.
The answer is simple. I don't understand myself. I DON'T know.
But then again, maybe I'm simply scared of the consequences. It's so easy to continue the way we are. Existing. Pretending, even.
You are constantly in the back of mind. But I am unsure of how you live there. Do I desire you? Do I only think fondly of you?
I want you. I like what you do for me. You make me feel strong in this world that seems out to wreck me.
And yet; you hold me back. My independance is destined to kill off anything I try. We are so great as a team, but I am unsure if the earth moves when you touch me.
I am scared of hurting you. Call it egotistical, but I worry about you and your self destructive nature. I fear you will always think of us as something more if later down the road we are only friends. We fool ourselves into thinking it would be easy to make the change, and yet it would not.
I cannot bring myself to say the words. I am unsure of the meaning of those three words. You say them freely, and I am confident in hearing them from you because I know you mean them.
You have become a better person, and I admire that. And yet, I feel somewhat incomplete. Taking, needing, sucking the 'me' out of me.
Perhaps this is a confession. Something I fear to say to you. Maybe I am simply deepening my understanding of my feelings. Verbalizing.
We both know we are going through rough times in our own ways right now. Transition. I fear the outcome a few months down the road, for I know what we have to do.
~~~~
What ravages of spirit
conjured this temptuous rage
created you a monster
broken by the rules of love
and fate has lead you through it
you do what you have to do
and fate has led you through it
you do what you have to do ...
and I have the sense to recognize that
I don't know how to let you go
every moment marked
with apparitions of your soul
I'm ever swiftly moving
trying to escape this desire
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
the yearning to be near you
I do what I have to do
but I have the sense to recognize
that I don't know how
to let you go
I don't know how
to let you go
a glowing ember
burning hot
burning slow
deep within I'm shaken by the violence
of existing for only you
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
-Sarah McLaughlan "Do What I Have to Do"
I do love you. But please don't crowd me.

 

[Furnace]

Thank you for letting me in.
This is something I wrote about three months into...
Pleasure of love lasts but a moment,
Pain of love lasts a lifetime.
* Jean Pierre Claris De Florian
Love is hellish. Love is heavenly. Love is a lot of things unexplained. Personally, I think love is a mysterious wonder. Sometimes I wonder if I am in love right now. I am in a relationship with someone whom I care about very much. She is a wonderful person, and I would be the luckiest man alive if I could spend the rest of my life with her. But she is a free spirit, and I think about how she wants to travel the world and experience new things. I want to be there with her. But I do not want to look like a follower. I might in her eyes. I want to live my life independently, but it is hard when you have found someone you would like to spend the rest of your life with.
I accept the fact that I might lose her soon. But that only means that I must make every moment with her a special one. The pleasure of love lasts but a moment, pain of love lasts a lifetime. That is something I hope I never feel. But we can't always get what we want.

 

[KAZ]

I miss what is already gone.
I love you too much to pain you in a way that I know would set you off. Maybe things are just not right right now, too unsteady in both our lives. I don't know about you, but I feel like a bomb about to explode. They say those we love are supposed to guide and steady us, but maybe that is not always true.
Maybe I simply liked the idea of us. Maybe the happiness I got out of knowing how much you loved me was what made me like you.
Let us see where we go.

 

[Furnace]

my heart is breaking...slowly. I'd give anything to stop this absolute tortureous feeling from continuing.
I said I'd be alright, but I'm not. I can't stop thinking about where I went wrong. Why did I love you if I knew this was where we'd end up? Why did I?
And no song, no movie, and no post can stop the pain. They can make me forget about it temporarily (unfortunately). But every song ends and every movie ends, but these posts stay here and haunt me.
Like a ghost of what we once had.
what we (did) have.
I want to run in the rain, and scream. I want to question my faith in everything that is real. My blinding optimism makes me sick. Why do I get close to people? Maybe you're right. Maybe it's better to hold people at a distance. Then, no one gets hurt.
I never want anyone else to feel this way. Even people I hate(d). I want to feel numb.
When I was younger and felt hurt, I'd used to think what it would be like to be a picture. Just an image, neverchanging, always the same.
No highs, no lows, just stillness.
No life. No death. No beginning. No end.
A picture. Everlasting in a moment.

 

[E-girl]

I fear the outcome a few months down the road, for I know what we have to do.

how sad is the day that we realize this, it's the worst realization ever. the realization that you've lost something, without even knowing it, and its something that you can never get back. many of us will spend weeks, months, even years, pretending its not so... but the moment you realize this, that's it. its just a matter of who will have the strength to say goodbye first.

i dont know how to let you go

i really dont. i dont want to know that there's such a way, a way that is simple, and isnt trailed by endless heartache. i think you can let someone go out of your life, but never out of your heart.
its such a scary feeling.
------------------
E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"...there are 2 paths, you can go back, but in the long run... there's still time to change the road you're on..."

 

[Loops]

*bump*