soulfly
Bluelight Crew
...And this is why nothing will ever change
...And this is why i end up with any girl that even gives me the time of day
...And this is why i smoke so much pot
And clearly this is why i hate myself
I don't know why i do this to myself, but i do. Because it is something i cannot do a thing about
it is out of my control, and i have become a slave to it, my...entire...fucking...miserable...life
This is why i tried to commit suicide once, and although i have come far from that day, this is why i just don't want to live sometimes.
There is nothing i can do about this, although i have tried. Instead it consumes me, and it commands me to make it worse. Because it does not matter.
...And this is why i put on weight, because hoenstly, i just don't care.
...and this is why i cannot look anyone in the eye.
It is the reason i cry at night. It is the reason i have such awful nightmares sometimes.
It is the reason i don't shave more than once every week or so.
...and this is why i never bother buying new clothes.
...and this is why only look into mirrors when i'm stoned
This is why i hate so many people that who are what i am not.
This is why i feel weird, and sometimes act the way i do. It is because i am uncomfortable within myself.
This is probably why i keep this journal
It is the reason i cannot trust anybody, and i cannot be trusted.
It is the reason i have cheated on every, single...girl i've ever been with. Because i know that they could leave me at any moment.
....and this is why i have expected every girlfriend i ever have to just wake up one morning and leave me. Because they know that they can do better.
....and this is why attractive women are not attracted to me.
....and this is why i think that anyone who acknowledges me, eventually will just want something from me in the end
This is why i still listen to music written for whiny, spoiled 14 year old brats
This is why i gravitate towards the people i do
This is why i've quit everything i've ever started. It is because i lack the confidence people generally have.
It is the reason i am considering quitting school
It is also the reason i do not wish to leave the safety of my dark, empty house
It is also the reason i will not want to go to work tomorrow
It makes me feel like i just want to fucking vomit. I'm sure it's why i drink alcohol the way i do.
So, what are you going to tell me to do? Just make it BETTER??? think more fucking POSITIVE???
I know, maybe i need to stop dwelling in this, but come on. Cut me some slack here! YOU try fucking dealing with this, and seeing this every day and YOU tell me you don't eventually start to resent yourself a bit.
You see, that's how it starts. And then you start resenting everyone else, and then then you just become so fucking full of misery and hatred sometimes, that you wish you could just crawl up into a tiny little foxhole somewhere and just die. And just die and be done with it.
I'm sick of crying. I'm an adult, but i know that i will never amount to much of anything because of this. The world doesn't look to favorably on people with my problem. They shun us, much as we shun ourselves into our cocoons. They don't want to see us, and we don't want to be seen. So, we pierce ourselves and tattoo ourselves, because we feel ugly already, and maybe by destroying our bodies, we become hopeful of the idea that we may be allowed to leave our bodies sooner.
I am in a sad, sad place this evening. I'm going to go downstairs and sit in a darkened room, drinking $6 wine, crying, and playing video games. I have a final on Wednesday, and i just don't care. I don't want to leave my house. It's daylight savings time, and we have an extra hour of sunlight. One more hour to feel hideous, deformed, and diseased.
Tonight, i am begging you to please, just make this end....
...And this is why i end up with any girl that even gives me the time of day
...And this is why i smoke so much pot
And clearly this is why i hate myself
I don't know why i do this to myself, but i do. Because it is something i cannot do a thing about
it is out of my control, and i have become a slave to it, my...entire...fucking...miserable...life
This is why i tried to commit suicide once, and although i have come far from that day, this is why i just don't want to live sometimes.
There is nothing i can do about this, although i have tried. Instead it consumes me, and it commands me to make it worse. Because it does not matter.
...And this is why i put on weight, because hoenstly, i just don't care.
...and this is why i cannot look anyone in the eye.
It is the reason i cry at night. It is the reason i have such awful nightmares sometimes.
It is the reason i don't shave more than once every week or so.
...and this is why i never bother buying new clothes.
...and this is why only look into mirrors when i'm stoned
This is why i hate so many people that who are what i am not.
This is why i feel weird, and sometimes act the way i do. It is because i am uncomfortable within myself.
This is probably why i keep this journal
It is the reason i cannot trust anybody, and i cannot be trusted.
It is the reason i have cheated on every, single...girl i've ever been with. Because i know that they could leave me at any moment.
....and this is why i have expected every girlfriend i ever have to just wake up one morning and leave me. Because they know that they can do better.
....and this is why attractive women are not attracted to me.
....and this is why i think that anyone who acknowledges me, eventually will just want something from me in the end
This is why i still listen to music written for whiny, spoiled 14 year old brats
This is why i gravitate towards the people i do
This is why i've quit everything i've ever started. It is because i lack the confidence people generally have.
It is the reason i am considering quitting school
It is also the reason i do not wish to leave the safety of my dark, empty house
It is also the reason i will not want to go to work tomorrow
It makes me feel like i just want to fucking vomit. I'm sure it's why i drink alcohol the way i do.
So, what are you going to tell me to do? Just make it BETTER??? think more fucking POSITIVE???
I know, maybe i need to stop dwelling in this, but come on. Cut me some slack here! YOU try fucking dealing with this, and seeing this every day and YOU tell me you don't eventually start to resent yourself a bit.
You see, that's how it starts. And then you start resenting everyone else, and then then you just become so fucking full of misery and hatred sometimes, that you wish you could just crawl up into a tiny little foxhole somewhere and just die. And just die and be done with it.
I'm sick of crying. I'm an adult, but i know that i will never amount to much of anything because of this. The world doesn't look to favorably on people with my problem. They shun us, much as we shun ourselves into our cocoons. They don't want to see us, and we don't want to be seen. So, we pierce ourselves and tattoo ourselves, because we feel ugly already, and maybe by destroying our bodies, we become hopeful of the idea that we may be allowed to leave our bodies sooner.
I am in a sad, sad place this evening. I'm going to go downstairs and sit in a darkened room, drinking $6 wine, crying, and playing video games. I have a final on Wednesday, and i just don't care. I don't want to leave my house. It's daylight savings time, and we have an extra hour of sunlight. One more hour to feel hideous, deformed, and diseased.
Tonight, i am begging you to please, just make this end....
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