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And like that they were gone...

9mmCensor

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 18, 2006
Messages
4,956
The street bustled with life, rows of cafes and shops, with apartments above, facing the board walk and the blue water assaulting the sand beach with waves after wave. The sun began rising casting a giant yellow reflection in the water, the cafe was packed with people enjoying their morning coffee, the smell of fresh pastries and the rustle of news papers filled the air, the traffic light, and the sidewalks absent of the late morning crowd.

The two men sat peacefully discussing family as I brought them their coffee. The cups rattled on the glass table as I sat them down, one of the mens daughter just got excepted into a prestigious university, and the other graciously complimented him on his family's honor and success, he paused to sip his coffee.

The sun rose in the sky, its brilliance deflected by expensive chrome sunglasses, matching the expensive suits, the shirts unbuttoned for the heat, ornate chains of gold sat atop black chest hair.

Traffic flowed through the street, one man thrust his arm forward shooting the lustrous chronograph on his wrist out of his sleeve, time check complete, as cool as can be, he reached into his trousers and pulled out a phone. He dialed and began talking, the words lost in the hum of cars and people talking, the conversation was brief and the phone returned to his pocket.

The first thing I noticed was the squealing of breaks, and suddenly the white van stopped in front of the men, before the van even stopped, the door slid open, and the two men vanished into van, torn out of their seats by men in black masks, the door slammed and the van slipped into traffic gone before the two mens chairs had fallen back to the ground, the cups rattled on the table with their sudden departure.

Flabbergasted, “Who will take care of the cheque?” I asked to no one in particular.


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Feel free to say whatever you want.
 
You definitely have a feel for scene-setting, and I like the way you paint these characters:

The sun rose in the sky, its brilliance deflected by expensive chrome sunglasses, matching the expensive suits, the shirts unbuttoned for the heat, ornate chains of gold sat atop black chest hair.

Maybe you could consider presenting the conversation of the two men as dialogue? I think that could bring the scene to life more vividly.
 
(Wordy) said:
You definitely have a feel for scene-setting, and I like the way you paint these characters:



Maybe you could consider presenting the conversation of the two men as dialogue? I think that could bring the scene to life more vividly.
I am reading Iduro right now, and any dialog I write is crap next to Gibson's, so I just do without. Maybe when I am done this book, I will try to get some dialog going.
 
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