Project Will
Bluelighter
This is very long and detailed stream of consciousness in all of its guts and glory, an epic tale of a man and a chemical. Throughout the story (and it is a story) I bring up random issues such as how I have benefited from using entactogens, a little about myself, and some of the questions and perspectives that have helped me address my current belief system.
Also, there is a rap song I just made up at the end of all this. It doesn't make sense, but it happened anyway. If you read nothing else, please check out the rap song. I blew myself away. It's my claim to fame (or lame.)
This is a personal journal that I don't expect anyone to take my word for any absolute truth. I have done my best to report the facts, and leave all opinion up for debate. This is my experience with two 100mg pellets of 6-APB:
An hour and a half ago I took one 100mg pellet of 6-APB. The pellets I have are orange with little brownish specks in it, from one of the five. Brand name on packet is Benzo Fury. The Marquis test was light purple turning darker over a few minutes. I am a 24 year old dude with a never ending curiosity for good substances.
Setting is my living room with my girlfriend and brother. Listening to Opium Lounge station on Pandora. Girlfriend, of 5 years, is studying right now and brother, of 21 years, is enjoying a cold glass of GHB. My two dogs, a 2 1/2 year old Brittany Spaniel named Maple, and a 10 month old mutt named Poppy. I love all these people dearly, and consider the dogs to be as good as and probably better than any person I have ever met.
I will be providing updates with iPad in hand. (around half of this was typed up on my iPad, but at some point I switched over to a computer) Keep in mind, this is a stream of conciousness writing exercise, which (as you will see, if you wish to read this long bastard) is all over the place. I have made a few mental detours along the way, which I will try to point out to those who want to skip the bullshit and get to the point.
That being said, I have literally spent the vast majority of these past 12 hours writing this. So, there are a number of weird tangents. They start appearing towards the end of the second hour. Skim through, or don't even bother reading if you don't want to. But, I bet if you do read it, you will like it. At least for its idiotic/comedic value, if not the worthwhile comments.
Let me remind you that this is real and in no way a big joke. I swear on my children's lives. And your life. And mine as well for that matter.
...
T+0:45: Currently, it feels far closer to MDA than MDMA - more visual and fuzzy. It has none of the crazy euphoric push or stimulation of methylone or mephedrone. It is way more mellow than I imagined it would be. Closer to tripping than rolling, if that makes sense. I was expecting a stronger euphoria and more of a push, but that has not been the case at all. I will report back with a ton of maniac rantings and and a few valuable updates.
...
(Pulse 90/BPM)
T+1:45: It is getting more euphoric, but still waaayyy chill. Smoking a cig was great. This stuff is very nice. Taking another half pellet...
The come up feel more like coming up on a hallucinogen than a roll. It took a while before I got any euphoria to go along with the altered perception. Before the euphoria kicked in, I figured this was going to be more of a trip than a roll. Now, I am leaning more on the side of roll. This is somewhere in between. The euphoria comes on very gradually.
Recently I have been doing more methylone than MDMA, and have become quite accustomed to the super intense euphoria and over-stimulation it provides. Not only is the methylone high short lived, but the intensity of it makes time fly by, so the three hours of quality methylone rolling feels like quite a bit less than that.
My typical dose for methylone is start with 150 and redose 150 once or twice. Yes, this is a lot, I know. The redose delays the comedown for quite a while if done correctly. I am not chasing the initial high, just running away from the comedown. It has worked well for me, but I understand if you feel this is excessive.
6-APB on the other hand lacks all the stimulant intensity, and has some of the time bending aspects of true hallucinogens. This past hour feels like at least two hours. I love this stuff, but not in the blob-of-euphoric-quivering-jelly like methylone, but more of a peaceful and mellow trip with nice undertones of gentle euphoric suggestion.
...
T+2:00: Euphoria is still building. This stuff has exceeded my expectations. It has real depth and balance. Still very trippy, but feeling more like rolling by the minute. Jaw swinging, heart filled with calm and euphoria. Ate another half, for a total of two pellets. Euphoria is still building.
...
T+2:30: First dose has leveled off. I feel like this has been a lot longer than two and a half hours. I am glad I saved this stuff for a night at home. This seems best suited for a small crowd of friends, not my choice for a rave drug. I don't feel the need to talk a million miles an hour as I do with methylone. Content to sit here and take my time. I can feel the second pill kicking in.
I imaging mixing 6-APB with a more stimulating drug would overpower the mellow aspects. Caught myself thinking about throwing in some methylone, but since this is my first 6-APB experience I'm not going to. The intensity of methylone would probably overpower the more gentle aspects, however the MDA feel of this mixed with something like methylone could be amazing - but I will save that for another night.
I am considering whether or not to throw some DMT or nitrous into the mix.
...
Just tried a whippet. It fucked me up a lot more for minute, but not as good as mixing nitrous with MDMA or methylone. The lack of on intense euphoric push from 6-APB (this is quite euphoric, just not in-your-face euphoric) is probably why I did not get the feeling from a whippet I was hoping for.
I'm going to save the DMT for later on, I want to see all this has to offer before I start throwing in powerful hallucinogens.
...
(This is where the stimulating character of the substance really started affecting what is not only on paper, but was my actual thinking at the time of writing this. Also, I am now using a laptop instead of an iPad. Should have done that earlier, it sucks trying to type this long bastard on an iPad.)
T+3:00: I think it has been three hours, perhaps a little less. This stuff really extends time in a great way - who wouldn't want their roll/trip to feel longer than it is? Cotton mouth is easily (and pleasurably) relieved with water. Sweet, sweet, delicious water. Jaw tension is not as bad as MDMA or methylone, but there is still the urge to bite my cheek - although I don't think I will wake up with half my face missing as is typical of me with The MDxx family.
I know it is hard to say for sure, I feel like the comedown will not be bad at all. I am relaxed right now, not manic with euphoria, so I would imagine the comedown will fade and not crash. I'll give a more accurate description of the comedown when that time comes.
...
I would like to take a third, but in no way fiending for more as with methylone and mephedrone. Since I do not know how I will be feeling tomorrow, I think I will stick with just two. I feel great right now, and don't feel the need to push the envelope. Eyes are wobbling a little, but no where near as as much as MDMA. I'm sure being on three or four of these 6-APB pellets would result in a lot more gurning, eye wobbling and euphoria, but I will try more at a future time. For now I am just happy to feel like this and see no need to change anything.
...
Cigarettes are really good right now. While this stuff is quite mellow, it still has the classic muscle feelings associated with rolling. Not exactly jittery, perhaps a little muscle tightness. While that description is not entirely accurate, words seldom are. My point here is, cigs feel great right now!
...
The body load is much like MDA - the come up definitely felt more like coming up on a hallucinogen than a roll. The roll (if that is even the right word for is) has a very visual aspect to it. Not just in visuals, but in the body load.
I feel like I'm talking in circles, I will try to tie this up when I'm not so fucked up..
I would almost compare this to a low dose 2c-I mixed in with a roll. I don't have any body aches that are common with 2c-I, but my body has the hot and cold flashes the, to me, feel like a trip. I would say 2c-I would best describe this feeling. Visually, everything has a warm fuzz.
Certainly not a strong tryptamine feel, and none of the mushroom-like goofiness. Low dose LSD also has a similar body load, but this doesn't have the profound LSDesque thoughts. I have flushed skin and clammy palms, but nothing serious. Mentally, I feel really clear headed. I feel more in my right mind than I would after doing most MDxx.
...
My skin feels good, but not experience any of the full body orgasms that MDMA brings. Again, perhaps a larger dose would bring that on stronger. Definitely more body feel than mephedrone or methylone. Changes to hot and cold feel great! As I step put side in the cool air, I get a sudden burst of energy. Feels amazing.
...
My goal in writing this are:
1) so I can comeback and read this later for a different perspective.
2) inform others out there that interested in 6-APB.
3) Write as accurately as possible about this experience, while on this substance.
I find with most other MDxx substances, my personal reports turn to gibberish and idealistic drivel. I would like to point out that this is the first trip report I have ever made public, even though I have been a fan of erowid and bluelight for a decade.
I have taken all the information I could find into consideration for not only if I'm going to try 6-APB but from where to get it. I have been experimenting for long enough to know where to look for that kind of info - and I am well aware that sourcing and bluelight do not mix. I love and respect the rules of bluelight, and try my hardest to follow them on the rare occasion I post.
Anyway, my point here is that if this chemical wasn't so new I would not be posting this for you all to read (assuming you are still reading now, shit, after like 20 pages... When will this guy shut up and get to the point? Hey, fuck you buddy. No, fuck you!
Okay, I am feeling pretty fucking goofy right now. Trying to stay on topic.. What topic? This guy has lost his mind. Stop reading. I don't know anything. All I know is that i ate two pellets of what I am confident to be 6-APB, and would recommend this to anyone who is interested. As has been said many times over, the price will drop. When it does, i will the first in line. Until then, I would most certainly repeat this experience at a cost of $25. It has been worth every penny.
Relative to other, less expensive MDxx? Perhaps. This has its place, and I think I have found it. Comfortable at home, good music, girlfriend, brother (who is a great friend) all here with me. As I'm writing this, it feels like a closing statement. But it isn't. Shit it has barely been three hours. I have been rambling, and I am sorry for that. Anyone who is still reading is probably hoping to get a good ending to this story. I predict a good ending to this story, but that is hours away. Until then, I will try to keep ramblings to a minimum. I hope you have gotten something out of this, and if not. Well. That's fine too.
...
T+3:30: I spent the last 30 minutes going on and on about nonsense. Back to the point. I feel really good, skin is a little hot/cold and palms are sweats. Body load does not play a large roll, at this dose at least. I am way more level headed than with most MDxx compounds. Music sounds great! I don't feel like getting up and moving right now, but it has real potential for that.
The next 5 paragraphs is my take on how to integrate the magical experiences of these substances with your real world life. Skip through it if you like. I have always found using what the experience has to offer not nearly as straight forward as I would like it to be, and would love to hear others input on this subject:
I use methylone as my primary example here, but this also totally applies to MDMA and friends as well. While on Methylone, I always feel 10000% about everything, only to realize that everything said under methylone does not apply to the real world. Just the one methylone shows you. And once that comedown starts, I can't think of a better way to undermine all the positive talk that goes along with many MDxx. Specifically the wretchedness of the methylone comedown really shines an ugly light on what was said prior. Going from one extreme to the other sucks.
For me, the comedown has a way of casting doubt on all the idealistic views and thoughts you have just had. While you may feel like a piece of shit during the comedown, I feel that this does not mean all that was said is shit. Methylone does this to me the worst of all these compounds - I will have some super bonding time with close friends or my girlfriend, and once the comedown starts you abandon all the idealistic stuff. Saying and believing something on methylone does not make it true, but it can certainly show you a lot of truth about yourself and those you care about.
As embarrassing as it might feel to bring up tomorrow, especially if you got really close to someone you care about, chances are they feel what you feel. To sum this rant up: Take what you are shown from these compounds not as the ultimate truth, but don't discount it either. Use the positive aspects of a roll or trip to affect your life. Try talking to the people you rolled with, and (assuming they were on your level) will all certainly feel closer to you. This is also assuming you are not one of the dreaded shit-talkers that lies nonstop while they are rolling. They are easy to spot, so if your one, you better quit that shit. Its petty and totally counterproductive. I really don't understand you liar types, personally I can't help but be brutally honest, but I know a few of you - could someone shed some light on this for me? I don't get it.
Anyways, For all you real folks, even though this kind of emotional shit is not normal to have out in the open like it is when you are under certain influences, it is still worth acknowledging to some degree. Whether it's you or the friends you bonded with, someone will defiantly be glad you brought it up. Trust me. And if they aren't? Well, they are either not comfortable with their emotions, or are one of the shit-talkers. Even if they do not share the strong feelings you had, however if they are people you really care about my certainly will, they will be glad you brought it up.
I am taking a writing break for the next 30ish minutes. I never imagined I would get so engrossed in telling this story that it has basically defined the experience. But, how better to experience a new substance than analyze in detail what is going on in my head In Vivo.
...
T+4:30: Damn, this stuff really has me talking. I am going to read through this tomorrow and try and section off the bullshit - but I will leave the text unedited so that I can understand how I was feeling when I wrote this.
Whilst rolling, this internal dialog feels like one giant run on sentence with a bunch of weird commas and such to spread it out. I have been writing, as I said, in a train of thought. Or more like trainwreck. Haha.. yeah that was dumb. I know.
I know there is a point somewhere.. I guess that point is: What am I feeling? Easy. Nice and easy.
Skin is still hot/cold, still. It feels great being hot and then going outside in cold air. The stimulation, while not present through the first 2 hours of the roll, obviously took over once I started rambling. Whereas on methylone, I would be screaming these millions of incoherent thoughts at the closest person within shouting distance, 6-APB is a little more organized. Haha, organized is probably not the word for this, but still. In my head, I feel my thoughts are based on a level headedness that is not always the case on the euphoria-bomb substances like mephedrone and methylone.
I very much feel the stimulation more and more.
I do feel the stimulant side of this substance, but not in a cracked out or edgy way. Its similar to how I would compare the body load of a hallucinogen. Its like a jitteryness that is soft around the edges. Does that make any sense? I do not feel that dirty cracked out feeling as from after a night of methylone. I can feel the comedown starting, and I haven't just hit a wall. Granted the euphoria is declining, I have not experienced any sudden mood crashes. I almost feel like there is nothing for me to crash from.
...
t+5:00: It has been about 5 hours give or take a few days. Time is still skewed all to hell. I feel like I have been feeling this stuff for much longer than it has been. As I feel some of the comedown like symptoms, I am hoping they will be managable. I have a number of options to make it more manageable, but I would like to keep this unadulterated. If I need, there are opiates, benzos and a number of other options should the need arise. Hey, I try to come prepared.
The comedown feelings are slight dysphoria, residual stimulation, pulse around 100/bpm, headache, sweaty palms, dry mouth. Jaw is tense... Other than that, I feel pretty good. I am content with this feeling for now.. Going out for a cig break.
...
At this point in a harsher comedown (like methylone, or most MDxx for that matter) I would desperately be chain smoking cigarettes trying to stay half way content with what I would be feeling. This is where I would take an opiate and benzo to try and ease the shit. It might be that since I only took (what is supposed to be) 200mg the comedown is milder than it could have been.
This comedown, and I am positive now that I am slowly coming down, is still very gradual. There are no painful spikes of dysphoria, just a subtle loss of the euphoria. The stimulation is totally present, and feels like it will linger awhile. But I don't feel bad or anything. The cigarette I just smoked did little for me, but it did bring me up some - as I expected it would.
I very much hope that this gradual decline is par for the comedown course.
Music still sounds great, its keeping my spirits up as well. I regret not talking about music more in this long bastard of a report. I have felt very much in touch with the beat. I can totally feel the music as I move to it.
Next experiment with this substance will include some dancing and moving to the music, far less analysis, and an attempt to connect with other people. I have kept mostly to myself tonight as my girlfriend (sober, now asleep) and brother (GHB, also now asleep) were not on this level.
I have felt very in control of how I feel. I am not pushed in any direction or another - there is room to move around. I have had, which is common with euphoria, a positive leaning. It would have been hard to pretend I was sober to a bystander, but I know in my mind this substance didn't affect my thought process too severely.
Even coming down I still feel totally in control.
A little about me that might say something:
I am somewhere between an introvert and extrovert, but becoming more extroverted with age and experience. I am still quiet around those I don't know very well.
The MDxx family has always helped me open up to people, and in turn given me a very positive view on many social situations. I have come to realize that everyone is most worried about themselves and not judging me as hard as I judge myself. The very act of judging myself changes who I am to other people. When I am less worried about what people think of me, I am a more fun and outgoing person. The opposite is true as well, and can be an ugly cycle for many to overcome, myself included. The more nervous I am in a situation, the more awkward and weird it is and I am. I have really grown out of this in the past year or so.
I am very firm in my beliefs. A brief overview is: My opinion is that the human experience (as I call what we experience as our lives) is very limited in what it can perceive. This might be harder to imagine for those who have never had to do any programing, but this analogy is too obvious. A program takes a bunch of random code and interprets it as a windows screen, or this font box. All I see is the font box in the windows screen, so I can say for certainty that I see everything! Nope. We, as humans, can only see what we have always seen, and we believe it to be all there is to see.
It is more likely that what we know of as three dimensional reality is not even real, but our brains analyzing some data. Shit, Stephen Hawkins believes there 11 dimensions (string theory) and he is probably worth listening to. But hell, he is only a human also, and completely fallible just as we are. Our analytical tools are designed around the world that we see. Just because we see it, doesn't mean it is actually real.
The point I am trying to make here is that the human experience is fallible. All the tools of measurement we use in science are all entirely based on the human experience, and are thus no more than a tool to help us see in more detail what we already see and to understand things in a way that is suitable for humans. A noun, a verb, using language that does no justice to how we feel or. Putting labels on things is the only way for humans to really understand concepts. This is a little out there but try and bear with me.
As a baby, or even an adult, if you are shown a group of anything, it is human nature to categorize it. This is so we can understand. Without this ability, humans would be lost. Now this is where some different kind of thinking helps: imagine, all the things you know as words and categories. None of it is actually real. It is all in your head. There is no such universal truth as an apple or an orange. Even in a humans most detailed of understanding of an apple, there are, say, 100,000,000,000 atoms. Now also picture this: the atom is only the smallest thing we can understand in our human perspective. Even if we could know the exact number of atoms, and knew exactly what was in this apple, that detail would literally fill every book that has ever existed in all of humanity on earth.
So, even if we could in some way read and understand every book and say for certain what is in the apple, this is for obvious reasons not possible. And here is where you will need to take another step back: and even if we knew what exactly constituted the apple, this is based entirely on the human experience (think back to the hypothetical 11 dimensions) which has yet to even understand what is in front of it. Be it the microscopic and the macroscopic, humans know very little about their universe. Much less about a possible existence that we can not see, feel, touch, or in any way sense is there.
All of the logic and reasoning (which is also not real, but a human construct) will try and make sense of this. It is human nature to make sense of things (like the apple.) But, this does not make it true. It is like me using this computer - I have not ever seen any of the code that goes behind how what I am typing right now is displayed for you all to read. I have had this computer for four years, and never seen any of the code behind it.
Now, imagine (and I know this is in no way an exact analogy) that the computer screen is what we see, and our brain is the processor turning unmanageable information into something manageable. And barely manageable at that. We have had our human knowledge turned upside down thousands of times in the past few hundred years.
My point here is that, like an operating system, our brain is using an unimaginable of data to give us a view of what we need to know in order to operate. Now, just as with survival of the fittest, a bug that saw 11 dimensions would not survive. We have been bred and bred to survive, and that survival is based on what our brain tells us.
Now we all know for a fact that there is code behind computers doing what it is doing. But, imagine we were born seeing a computer screen. Also imagine that there is no evidence in the physical world that would show us the code behind the computer screen.
This, while not so literal, could be humans. Now, if you read any of my philosophy please be sure to READ THIS. I am not saying that we are computers, or that there is something we can't see. My entire point is this: We don't know.
People are so convinced that they have the answers, be they science or religion. It is human nature to look for answers. Completely rational behavior. But, for all those science types out there (and I am guessing you outweigh the religious zealots that happen to be reading this), remember this. Science is just another tool that extends our vision of the human experience. Science in no way can prove or disprove any of the serious unanswerable questions.
You think because of science there is no god? You might be right, but consider this. If we can't even agree on how many dimensions makes up reality (string theory? 4 dimensions? etc..) Then why are you so quick to use science to disprove god? Now I am not saying there is a god. I am just saying: We don't know. What if, as I through out there about us being computer processors, is true? Then what? And in the more likely situation where my hypothetical is not true, we still cant even agree on how many dimensions there are.
A beautiful thing about this view on existence might not be clear to those few (if anyone) that are still reading this. I have throughout my childhood and into my recent years, have never believed in god. Science has always been there to shed light on the unknown.
And, who knows, perhaps science is the universal truth (although I'm not buying it anymore) and what we see is what we get. Well, I always felt a comfort in knowing the truth, whether others felt that way or now. I know that science was all there is, and pretty soon science would disprove all the crazy religious stuff, most of which already has been disproven.
Real quick I am going to write an update on my current state, then continue uninterrupted to the conclusion (or lack there of) to my beliefs. The update is below labeled T+6:00. It would have completely broken my flow, so I moved it down.
As I was saying, much of religion has been disproven through science. And like every other rational person, you have considered that science could disprove god, and in doing so explain why we exist.
I used to put that much faith in science, just as people are willing to put faith into religion. And don't try and tell me that is not the same thing, because it is. People unquestioningly believe what science tells them. This is somewhat misleading as all we have to go off is the human experience.
Really, science has not helped us see anything in a totally different light yet. Science has helped us create tools to see the very small, the very large, and a lot in between. But, science is unable to explain the fact that existence is not what we imagine it to be. Is it these simple three dimensions, or is it 11 dimensions? Or something in between? Or something so far outside that we have no way to understand it. Back to the operating system example: science is spell check and microsoft word is my life.
You see what I am getting at right?
I don't pretend to have everything figured out. I still have faith in science. Humans, like me, want to find a belief system. Religion used to provide this, science is used almost as a modern replacement without all the heaven and hell.
My whole damned long philosophy in far fewer words is: always question everything, especially what you think of as absolute truths, such as existence and the big unanswerables.
This newfound skepticism, which is based on personal beliefs, is easy to ignore. Please, don't take any of this to be a greater truth or even as my firm belief - because it isn't.
Questioning science has led me back to the possibility of a god. In fact, I believe there is something greater than humanity. This is based entirely on my personal beliefs, and I spent enough time explaining how I got to where I am now. Using this skepticism and questioning, I realized a lot of what I knew to be true was based on very little circumstantial evidence. Such as the fact that existence is REALLY based on what you perceive.
Shit, hallucinogens (especially DMT and salvia) showed me something that a scientific instrument couldn't. An entirely new reality. Salvia will dissolve the 3D reality away into some sort of cruel cosmic joke. I hate salvia. It showed me very negative things. I know some people swear by it, and to each his own. Although I don't like it at all, I have lost existence on at least 5 separate occasions with salvia.
DMT is a lot nicer and friendlier, but still will teach you incredible things. The first time I smoked a lot of DMT and crossed the veil I saw (or more felt) god. This is totally irrational. I know it is, but I felt something. I am not about to try to convince anyone that there is or is not a god, that is totally and completely personal. And next time you start judging (even if it isn't intentional) based on their beliefs or opinions, try to see it from their point of view for a second.
Shit, if I really believed to be truth that the bible is the absolute truth, how could you blame me? As long as someone is not trying to convert me, and is willing to have a civil (key word here) conversation about this stuff, I should be entitled to believe whatever I want.
And I do.
My beliefs, however, are not resting on any sure knowledge. I accept that my belief in god is just that, a belief. The simple fact that things are so astronomically complex as the apple (filling every book ever and a lot more just to describe what we know to be observable truths about this specific apple) in even our perception of reality, that even if this perception is real, there is more than enough room for a greater being along side science. Even if all that hypothetical stuff about different dimensions and computers was never brought up, the apple shows that in this single perceived human experience, things are far too complex to ever fully understand.
I feel security in the fact that I know no more and no less about what is the answer to those currently unanswerable questions, but that I have given it the best I had, and am willing to settle for "I can't say anything is for certain, and my beliefs are just beliefs, but having considered all the possibilities (or lack thereof due to the human experience, also in my opinion) I choose to believe in god. Not in any specific religion, but I believe in a higher/greater/whatever power that I am willing to call god."
...
T+6:00: As you can probably tell if you are still reading, I am feeling the stimulant side majorly. I am still completely rolling/tripping. Perhaps what I mistook to be a slow tapering off of effects was just a plateau with some ebb and flow. All I know is I still feel good. Having trouble taking a piss, but once it started everything worked fine, just a little slower. This effect is more intense that I had expected. I can pee just fine on 600mg good MDMA - not that I ever see good or anywhere close to pure, especially these days.
This lack of quality street drugs is what turned my scope to where I can get pure drugs. Online. Now that is proving just as dirty a business as street hustlers, if not worse. At least if someone sells me fake MDMA it wont turn out to be MDPV and fuck me up for days on end. The unknown, whether is down the street or in a Chinese is dangerous. The only reason I trusted these specific 6-APB were from knowing people that tried them.
...
I sincerely hope a single person is able to get out of this at least some enjoyment, and hopefully some new perspectives on what it means to be a human. I know just writing this has been a great way to combine some of my favorite topics into a mix between trip report, manifesto of my beliefs, and essay on hypotheticals and questioning reason. I love this shit. Please, I really enjoy a good civil debate about anything. If you can think of other good reality-questioning ideas or concepts, message me or write back in this thread.
While it didn't start out this way, my objective when discussing philosophy is not to question anyones beliefs, but discuss how they came to those conclusions. Whether you believe in the Christian God or Muslim God, or whatever. If you are happy believing whatever it is you believe, then more power to you. And if those beliefs stand in the way of even the most obvious logic, I am in no way more able to cast doubt on your beliefs than you are of mine.
T+7:30 Just finished up that whole beliefs section. I still can't believe how high I am after seven and a half hours. I am no less fucked-up than I was three hours ago. It is 3:40am here and I don't imagine I will be falling asleep before the sun comes up. Way too stimulated and overall high. Still feeling a lot of the same, no major changes. Jaw is getting tired. Gum is necessary. Still listening to Opium Den on Pandora - It is a great channel with all sorts of good beats. Still groovin along to the beats, but now I am running out of worthwhile things to say.
If not entirely cohesive or coherent, at least this has given me a foundation to work from. I have never written as much about myself and put my beliefs into words in quite some time. This feels like good practice, for the writer most of all. I will be able to go back and read this for the rest of my life, seeing how I have grown in certain ways and changed. Shit, even right now putting these thoughts into concrete words has, in an unorderly fashion, allowed me to define myself on paper.
Just as how whatever is said under the influence of MDMA or methylone might not be the entire truth, neither is the regular view on things less flawed. It is taking what you want from experiences (be it with substances, books, worldly experiences, ANYTHING) and trying to apply what you like to your life. Although it is hardly ever put in those words, that is exactly who we are as people. A culmination of experiences and how we perceive those experiences, with a little nature to go along side the nurture. We pick what we like and leave what we don't, this is what makes us who we are.
...
T+8:00 I never expected to write but a couple paragraphs and move on with life, but here we are. I feel that I was able to capture my points using more words than might be necessary, but if anyone has any questions or would like to talk in more detail please, I would really like your feedback. I know this was long, and some of the paragraphs are long and poorly structured, but this editing will have to happen tomorrow or maybe never at all.
This internal dialogue has gone on a surprisingly long time, and for fear that I will start to repeat (if I haven't already, and I most certainly have) I will take a break for the next 45 minutes and collect my thoughts. Before I go though, no change in my current feeling or state of mind. Still feeling quite stimulated. Muscles in back and shoulders are sore - perhaps from all this damn typing.
...
I will continue updating, but will keep rants to a maximum from here on out.
T+8:45: Well, having lost everyone to bed long ago except my loyal mutt Poppy, I have been able to think and live in my head unobstructedly for like 4 hours straight. A curse and a gift perhaps. All I have to show is this filthy junkie short story that is no deeper than however you are reading it. Or is it? Decidedly, no. This is barely even a story. Shit, a massive cranial diarrhea leakage from my overcooked sick animal brain. At best.
Fuck it.
...
T+9:00-11:45: I am not really that high but I'm still wide awake. I spent this last three hours sitting around waiting for sleep, but it still doesn't feel close. I actually let some drunk friends in another state see this weird product prior to its untimely release. They were having an Australian robot read it off their computer over speaker phone.
This was fitting, as It sounded exactly as it did in my head. Dry of emotion and void of humanity. Like the shell of a burned out drug victim. One pill over the line. I will probably enlist the help of my medicine cabinet before too long. Here is the finale. I have had a good and weird 12 hours, at least 8 of those very high in an enjoyable way. Now, I still feel like I am tripping and still feel stimulated in a a weird but not depressing way.
Now, I feel rather empty. My fuel is running low, but my body is trying to continue going anyway. Im running on flash fried brain cells for reserve energy. Super charged and burning bright. Like the muhfuckin sun. 10,000,000 candle power. Sharp as a tac. Ready for anything but a normal day. Just heard my girlfriend's alarm going off while I am still in the living room. She is understanding, but I still feel like a bag of day old shit. Against all odds, I still feel upbeat. Like a junker with a few miles away from being sold for parts. Or totaled. This entire experience has been one giant cluster fuck of oddity all caught on paper.
Enough of that stupid pseudo-poetic bullshit. This stuff is making me soft.
T+12:00: This goes out to my boy Biggie, cuz fuck Tupac. That's why.
I feel like a crack head, all alone in the night. Still high as a kite, no end in sight. For better or worse, I'm fighting the fight. You've got the height, but I got the might. You throw your wrongs and I'll throw my right. So next time I see you you better pack tight. Cuz if your light, you can say goodnight.
To doubt me now is a little late, if your still reading this then maybe it's fate. And if you keep movin I might let ya skate. But if you try bringin' weight, its straight to checkmate. I hope your full cuz I'm eatin your plate. And whether you like it or not, you'll sit there and wait. I'll feed you a bullet when I'm done with your meal. I make pigs cry but your going to squeal. That's my offer so consider it a deal.
All I know is what I've said, and if you test that you might end up dead. I'd steal your wife but she already fled. You can marry my bullet, and forever be wed. Consider yourself lucky that your not worth the lead. But If you keep fightin, your makin your bed. Another word and it's off with your head.
Playin for keeps is all I know. So while your strugglin for sleet, I'll make it snow. If I need a breeze, your sister will blow. All I have is my word and my balls. I didn't write the book but I'll enforce the laws. Stackin dollas and poppin collas, don't make me holla or your bitch will swolla. So make them calls and bring what you got. Cuz this is your one and your only shot, whether you like it or not. So if your comin, you be hot.
You won't get another chance, so make it count. Kill me now or I'll take you out. Still here, after all this talkin? Bitch, you better be runnin cuz I don't see you walkin. Better hurry up or its your line they'll be chalkin.
I knew you were scared, like the bitch you are. But now runnin's too late cuz I got your car. You can't judge, cuz you ain't shit. You swing and you miss while I only hit. And you think this conversation is the end of it? You've said your bit, so its time to split? Cut your losses and quit? You think ALL I got is my word and my wit? Shit, On the count of 10 thats all she writ. Bitch, if im the olive branch you better spit, cuz what your suckin that ain't a pit. If your still here, you must be legit, either that or you don't know shit. Here's a lesson so don't forget. Your mom is the sea and I'm the ship, I'll ride your mother like I ghost ride my whip. So step up bitch, and let me teach you a bit. Or better yet, why don't you sit.
This isn't the end of my hustle and fame. Life is a game, so you better get playn. Your words mean nothin as I'm taking aim. If you don't kill then you better maim. And if you don't, then it all ends the same. My Thunder and Lighting will bring more than Rain. My style is brutal, you'll be beggin for pain. Life's a game but that don't make it fun. I'm Zeus and Hades rolled into one. Your words are soft compared to this gun. You'll be catch my bullets while throwin your puns. I'll spit fire while you try and run. So if you feel like hating then bring that shit on. You think your hot? Well I'm the muthafuckin sun. The day is rising and I've yet to yawn. Put down that bong n' move along, cuz I'm a king and your a pawn. Your awake in time for one last song, where my mower is singing and you are the lawn.
Take that Master P you bitch. Nah Nah Na Nahhhhhhhhhhhh muhfuckas.
/Ambien
/Double Whisky straight, like it should be. Why? Because it was meant to be. And why the fuck not?
The End.
Also, there is a rap song I just made up at the end of all this. It doesn't make sense, but it happened anyway. If you read nothing else, please check out the rap song. I blew myself away. It's my claim to fame (or lame.)
This is a personal journal that I don't expect anyone to take my word for any absolute truth. I have done my best to report the facts, and leave all opinion up for debate. This is my experience with two 100mg pellets of 6-APB:
An hour and a half ago I took one 100mg pellet of 6-APB. The pellets I have are orange with little brownish specks in it, from one of the five. Brand name on packet is Benzo Fury. The Marquis test was light purple turning darker over a few minutes. I am a 24 year old dude with a never ending curiosity for good substances.
Setting is my living room with my girlfriend and brother. Listening to Opium Lounge station on Pandora. Girlfriend, of 5 years, is studying right now and brother, of 21 years, is enjoying a cold glass of GHB. My two dogs, a 2 1/2 year old Brittany Spaniel named Maple, and a 10 month old mutt named Poppy. I love all these people dearly, and consider the dogs to be as good as and probably better than any person I have ever met.
I will be providing updates with iPad in hand. (around half of this was typed up on my iPad, but at some point I switched over to a computer) Keep in mind, this is a stream of conciousness writing exercise, which (as you will see, if you wish to read this long bastard) is all over the place. I have made a few mental detours along the way, which I will try to point out to those who want to skip the bullshit and get to the point.
That being said, I have literally spent the vast majority of these past 12 hours writing this. So, there are a number of weird tangents. They start appearing towards the end of the second hour. Skim through, or don't even bother reading if you don't want to. But, I bet if you do read it, you will like it. At least for its idiotic/comedic value, if not the worthwhile comments.
Let me remind you that this is real and in no way a big joke. I swear on my children's lives. And your life. And mine as well for that matter.
...
T+0:45: Currently, it feels far closer to MDA than MDMA - more visual and fuzzy. It has none of the crazy euphoric push or stimulation of methylone or mephedrone. It is way more mellow than I imagined it would be. Closer to tripping than rolling, if that makes sense. I was expecting a stronger euphoria and more of a push, but that has not been the case at all. I will report back with a ton of maniac rantings and and a few valuable updates.
...
(Pulse 90/BPM)
T+1:45: It is getting more euphoric, but still waaayyy chill. Smoking a cig was great. This stuff is very nice. Taking another half pellet...
The come up feel more like coming up on a hallucinogen than a roll. It took a while before I got any euphoria to go along with the altered perception. Before the euphoria kicked in, I figured this was going to be more of a trip than a roll. Now, I am leaning more on the side of roll. This is somewhere in between. The euphoria comes on very gradually.
Recently I have been doing more methylone than MDMA, and have become quite accustomed to the super intense euphoria and over-stimulation it provides. Not only is the methylone high short lived, but the intensity of it makes time fly by, so the three hours of quality methylone rolling feels like quite a bit less than that.
My typical dose for methylone is start with 150 and redose 150 once or twice. Yes, this is a lot, I know. The redose delays the comedown for quite a while if done correctly. I am not chasing the initial high, just running away from the comedown. It has worked well for me, but I understand if you feel this is excessive.
6-APB on the other hand lacks all the stimulant intensity, and has some of the time bending aspects of true hallucinogens. This past hour feels like at least two hours. I love this stuff, but not in the blob-of-euphoric-quivering-jelly like methylone, but more of a peaceful and mellow trip with nice undertones of gentle euphoric suggestion.
...
T+2:00: Euphoria is still building. This stuff has exceeded my expectations. It has real depth and balance. Still very trippy, but feeling more like rolling by the minute. Jaw swinging, heart filled with calm and euphoria. Ate another half, for a total of two pellets. Euphoria is still building.
...
T+2:30: First dose has leveled off. I feel like this has been a lot longer than two and a half hours. I am glad I saved this stuff for a night at home. This seems best suited for a small crowd of friends, not my choice for a rave drug. I don't feel the need to talk a million miles an hour as I do with methylone. Content to sit here and take my time. I can feel the second pill kicking in.
I imaging mixing 6-APB with a more stimulating drug would overpower the mellow aspects. Caught myself thinking about throwing in some methylone, but since this is my first 6-APB experience I'm not going to. The intensity of methylone would probably overpower the more gentle aspects, however the MDA feel of this mixed with something like methylone could be amazing - but I will save that for another night.
I am considering whether or not to throw some DMT or nitrous into the mix.
...
Just tried a whippet. It fucked me up a lot more for minute, but not as good as mixing nitrous with MDMA or methylone. The lack of on intense euphoric push from 6-APB (this is quite euphoric, just not in-your-face euphoric) is probably why I did not get the feeling from a whippet I was hoping for.
I'm going to save the DMT for later on, I want to see all this has to offer before I start throwing in powerful hallucinogens.
...
(This is where the stimulating character of the substance really started affecting what is not only on paper, but was my actual thinking at the time of writing this. Also, I am now using a laptop instead of an iPad. Should have done that earlier, it sucks trying to type this long bastard on an iPad.)
T+3:00: I think it has been three hours, perhaps a little less. This stuff really extends time in a great way - who wouldn't want their roll/trip to feel longer than it is? Cotton mouth is easily (and pleasurably) relieved with water. Sweet, sweet, delicious water. Jaw tension is not as bad as MDMA or methylone, but there is still the urge to bite my cheek - although I don't think I will wake up with half my face missing as is typical of me with The MDxx family.
I know it is hard to say for sure, I feel like the comedown will not be bad at all. I am relaxed right now, not manic with euphoria, so I would imagine the comedown will fade and not crash. I'll give a more accurate description of the comedown when that time comes.
...
I would like to take a third, but in no way fiending for more as with methylone and mephedrone. Since I do not know how I will be feeling tomorrow, I think I will stick with just two. I feel great right now, and don't feel the need to push the envelope. Eyes are wobbling a little, but no where near as as much as MDMA. I'm sure being on three or four of these 6-APB pellets would result in a lot more gurning, eye wobbling and euphoria, but I will try more at a future time. For now I am just happy to feel like this and see no need to change anything.
...
Cigarettes are really good right now. While this stuff is quite mellow, it still has the classic muscle feelings associated with rolling. Not exactly jittery, perhaps a little muscle tightness. While that description is not entirely accurate, words seldom are. My point here is, cigs feel great right now!
...
The body load is much like MDA - the come up definitely felt more like coming up on a hallucinogen than a roll. The roll (if that is even the right word for is) has a very visual aspect to it. Not just in visuals, but in the body load.
I feel like I'm talking in circles, I will try to tie this up when I'm not so fucked up..
I would almost compare this to a low dose 2c-I mixed in with a roll. I don't have any body aches that are common with 2c-I, but my body has the hot and cold flashes the, to me, feel like a trip. I would say 2c-I would best describe this feeling. Visually, everything has a warm fuzz.
Certainly not a strong tryptamine feel, and none of the mushroom-like goofiness. Low dose LSD also has a similar body load, but this doesn't have the profound LSDesque thoughts. I have flushed skin and clammy palms, but nothing serious. Mentally, I feel really clear headed. I feel more in my right mind than I would after doing most MDxx.
...
My skin feels good, but not experience any of the full body orgasms that MDMA brings. Again, perhaps a larger dose would bring that on stronger. Definitely more body feel than mephedrone or methylone. Changes to hot and cold feel great! As I step put side in the cool air, I get a sudden burst of energy. Feels amazing.
...
My goal in writing this are:
1) so I can comeback and read this later for a different perspective.
2) inform others out there that interested in 6-APB.
3) Write as accurately as possible about this experience, while on this substance.
I find with most other MDxx substances, my personal reports turn to gibberish and idealistic drivel. I would like to point out that this is the first trip report I have ever made public, even though I have been a fan of erowid and bluelight for a decade.
I have taken all the information I could find into consideration for not only if I'm going to try 6-APB but from where to get it. I have been experimenting for long enough to know where to look for that kind of info - and I am well aware that sourcing and bluelight do not mix. I love and respect the rules of bluelight, and try my hardest to follow them on the rare occasion I post.
Anyway, my point here is that if this chemical wasn't so new I would not be posting this for you all to read (assuming you are still reading now, shit, after like 20 pages... When will this guy shut up and get to the point? Hey, fuck you buddy. No, fuck you!
Okay, I am feeling pretty fucking goofy right now. Trying to stay on topic.. What topic? This guy has lost his mind. Stop reading. I don't know anything. All I know is that i ate two pellets of what I am confident to be 6-APB, and would recommend this to anyone who is interested. As has been said many times over, the price will drop. When it does, i will the first in line. Until then, I would most certainly repeat this experience at a cost of $25. It has been worth every penny.
Relative to other, less expensive MDxx? Perhaps. This has its place, and I think I have found it. Comfortable at home, good music, girlfriend, brother (who is a great friend) all here with me. As I'm writing this, it feels like a closing statement. But it isn't. Shit it has barely been three hours. I have been rambling, and I am sorry for that. Anyone who is still reading is probably hoping to get a good ending to this story. I predict a good ending to this story, but that is hours away. Until then, I will try to keep ramblings to a minimum. I hope you have gotten something out of this, and if not. Well. That's fine too.
...
T+3:30: I spent the last 30 minutes going on and on about nonsense. Back to the point. I feel really good, skin is a little hot/cold and palms are sweats. Body load does not play a large roll, at this dose at least. I am way more level headed than with most MDxx compounds. Music sounds great! I don't feel like getting up and moving right now, but it has real potential for that.
The next 5 paragraphs is my take on how to integrate the magical experiences of these substances with your real world life. Skip through it if you like. I have always found using what the experience has to offer not nearly as straight forward as I would like it to be, and would love to hear others input on this subject:
I use methylone as my primary example here, but this also totally applies to MDMA and friends as well. While on Methylone, I always feel 10000% about everything, only to realize that everything said under methylone does not apply to the real world. Just the one methylone shows you. And once that comedown starts, I can't think of a better way to undermine all the positive talk that goes along with many MDxx. Specifically the wretchedness of the methylone comedown really shines an ugly light on what was said prior. Going from one extreme to the other sucks.
For me, the comedown has a way of casting doubt on all the idealistic views and thoughts you have just had. While you may feel like a piece of shit during the comedown, I feel that this does not mean all that was said is shit. Methylone does this to me the worst of all these compounds - I will have some super bonding time with close friends or my girlfriend, and once the comedown starts you abandon all the idealistic stuff. Saying and believing something on methylone does not make it true, but it can certainly show you a lot of truth about yourself and those you care about.
As embarrassing as it might feel to bring up tomorrow, especially if you got really close to someone you care about, chances are they feel what you feel. To sum this rant up: Take what you are shown from these compounds not as the ultimate truth, but don't discount it either. Use the positive aspects of a roll or trip to affect your life. Try talking to the people you rolled with, and (assuming they were on your level) will all certainly feel closer to you. This is also assuming you are not one of the dreaded shit-talkers that lies nonstop while they are rolling. They are easy to spot, so if your one, you better quit that shit. Its petty and totally counterproductive. I really don't understand you liar types, personally I can't help but be brutally honest, but I know a few of you - could someone shed some light on this for me? I don't get it.
Anyways, For all you real folks, even though this kind of emotional shit is not normal to have out in the open like it is when you are under certain influences, it is still worth acknowledging to some degree. Whether it's you or the friends you bonded with, someone will defiantly be glad you brought it up. Trust me. And if they aren't? Well, they are either not comfortable with their emotions, or are one of the shit-talkers. Even if they do not share the strong feelings you had, however if they are people you really care about my certainly will, they will be glad you brought it up.
I am taking a writing break for the next 30ish minutes. I never imagined I would get so engrossed in telling this story that it has basically defined the experience. But, how better to experience a new substance than analyze in detail what is going on in my head In Vivo.
...
T+4:30: Damn, this stuff really has me talking. I am going to read through this tomorrow and try and section off the bullshit - but I will leave the text unedited so that I can understand how I was feeling when I wrote this.
Whilst rolling, this internal dialog feels like one giant run on sentence with a bunch of weird commas and such to spread it out. I have been writing, as I said, in a train of thought. Or more like trainwreck. Haha.. yeah that was dumb. I know.
I know there is a point somewhere.. I guess that point is: What am I feeling? Easy. Nice and easy.
Skin is still hot/cold, still. It feels great being hot and then going outside in cold air. The stimulation, while not present through the first 2 hours of the roll, obviously took over once I started rambling. Whereas on methylone, I would be screaming these millions of incoherent thoughts at the closest person within shouting distance, 6-APB is a little more organized. Haha, organized is probably not the word for this, but still. In my head, I feel my thoughts are based on a level headedness that is not always the case on the euphoria-bomb substances like mephedrone and methylone.
I very much feel the stimulation more and more.
I do feel the stimulant side of this substance, but not in a cracked out or edgy way. Its similar to how I would compare the body load of a hallucinogen. Its like a jitteryness that is soft around the edges. Does that make any sense? I do not feel that dirty cracked out feeling as from after a night of methylone. I can feel the comedown starting, and I haven't just hit a wall. Granted the euphoria is declining, I have not experienced any sudden mood crashes. I almost feel like there is nothing for me to crash from.
...
t+5:00: It has been about 5 hours give or take a few days. Time is still skewed all to hell. I feel like I have been feeling this stuff for much longer than it has been. As I feel some of the comedown like symptoms, I am hoping they will be managable. I have a number of options to make it more manageable, but I would like to keep this unadulterated. If I need, there are opiates, benzos and a number of other options should the need arise. Hey, I try to come prepared.
The comedown feelings are slight dysphoria, residual stimulation, pulse around 100/bpm, headache, sweaty palms, dry mouth. Jaw is tense... Other than that, I feel pretty good. I am content with this feeling for now.. Going out for a cig break.
...
At this point in a harsher comedown (like methylone, or most MDxx for that matter) I would desperately be chain smoking cigarettes trying to stay half way content with what I would be feeling. This is where I would take an opiate and benzo to try and ease the shit. It might be that since I only took (what is supposed to be) 200mg the comedown is milder than it could have been.
This comedown, and I am positive now that I am slowly coming down, is still very gradual. There are no painful spikes of dysphoria, just a subtle loss of the euphoria. The stimulation is totally present, and feels like it will linger awhile. But I don't feel bad or anything. The cigarette I just smoked did little for me, but it did bring me up some - as I expected it would.
I very much hope that this gradual decline is par for the comedown course.
Music still sounds great, its keeping my spirits up as well. I regret not talking about music more in this long bastard of a report. I have felt very much in touch with the beat. I can totally feel the music as I move to it.
Next experiment with this substance will include some dancing and moving to the music, far less analysis, and an attempt to connect with other people. I have kept mostly to myself tonight as my girlfriend (sober, now asleep) and brother (GHB, also now asleep) were not on this level.
I have felt very in control of how I feel. I am not pushed in any direction or another - there is room to move around. I have had, which is common with euphoria, a positive leaning. It would have been hard to pretend I was sober to a bystander, but I know in my mind this substance didn't affect my thought process too severely.
Even coming down I still feel totally in control.
A little about me that might say something:
I am somewhere between an introvert and extrovert, but becoming more extroverted with age and experience. I am still quiet around those I don't know very well.
The MDxx family has always helped me open up to people, and in turn given me a very positive view on many social situations. I have come to realize that everyone is most worried about themselves and not judging me as hard as I judge myself. The very act of judging myself changes who I am to other people. When I am less worried about what people think of me, I am a more fun and outgoing person. The opposite is true as well, and can be an ugly cycle for many to overcome, myself included. The more nervous I am in a situation, the more awkward and weird it is and I am. I have really grown out of this in the past year or so.
I am very firm in my beliefs. A brief overview is: My opinion is that the human experience (as I call what we experience as our lives) is very limited in what it can perceive. This might be harder to imagine for those who have never had to do any programing, but this analogy is too obvious. A program takes a bunch of random code and interprets it as a windows screen, or this font box. All I see is the font box in the windows screen, so I can say for certainty that I see everything! Nope. We, as humans, can only see what we have always seen, and we believe it to be all there is to see.
It is more likely that what we know of as three dimensional reality is not even real, but our brains analyzing some data. Shit, Stephen Hawkins believes there 11 dimensions (string theory) and he is probably worth listening to. But hell, he is only a human also, and completely fallible just as we are. Our analytical tools are designed around the world that we see. Just because we see it, doesn't mean it is actually real.
The point I am trying to make here is that the human experience is fallible. All the tools of measurement we use in science are all entirely based on the human experience, and are thus no more than a tool to help us see in more detail what we already see and to understand things in a way that is suitable for humans. A noun, a verb, using language that does no justice to how we feel or. Putting labels on things is the only way for humans to really understand concepts. This is a little out there but try and bear with me.
As a baby, or even an adult, if you are shown a group of anything, it is human nature to categorize it. This is so we can understand. Without this ability, humans would be lost. Now this is where some different kind of thinking helps: imagine, all the things you know as words and categories. None of it is actually real. It is all in your head. There is no such universal truth as an apple or an orange. Even in a humans most detailed of understanding of an apple, there are, say, 100,000,000,000 atoms. Now also picture this: the atom is only the smallest thing we can understand in our human perspective. Even if we could know the exact number of atoms, and knew exactly what was in this apple, that detail would literally fill every book that has ever existed in all of humanity on earth.
So, even if we could in some way read and understand every book and say for certain what is in the apple, this is for obvious reasons not possible. And here is where you will need to take another step back: and even if we knew what exactly constituted the apple, this is based entirely on the human experience (think back to the hypothetical 11 dimensions) which has yet to even understand what is in front of it. Be it the microscopic and the macroscopic, humans know very little about their universe. Much less about a possible existence that we can not see, feel, touch, or in any way sense is there.
All of the logic and reasoning (which is also not real, but a human construct) will try and make sense of this. It is human nature to make sense of things (like the apple.) But, this does not make it true. It is like me using this computer - I have not ever seen any of the code that goes behind how what I am typing right now is displayed for you all to read. I have had this computer for four years, and never seen any of the code behind it.
Now, imagine (and I know this is in no way an exact analogy) that the computer screen is what we see, and our brain is the processor turning unmanageable information into something manageable. And barely manageable at that. We have had our human knowledge turned upside down thousands of times in the past few hundred years.
My point here is that, like an operating system, our brain is using an unimaginable of data to give us a view of what we need to know in order to operate. Now, just as with survival of the fittest, a bug that saw 11 dimensions would not survive. We have been bred and bred to survive, and that survival is based on what our brain tells us.
Now we all know for a fact that there is code behind computers doing what it is doing. But, imagine we were born seeing a computer screen. Also imagine that there is no evidence in the physical world that would show us the code behind the computer screen.
This, while not so literal, could be humans. Now, if you read any of my philosophy please be sure to READ THIS. I am not saying that we are computers, or that there is something we can't see. My entire point is this: We don't know.
People are so convinced that they have the answers, be they science or religion. It is human nature to look for answers. Completely rational behavior. But, for all those science types out there (and I am guessing you outweigh the religious zealots that happen to be reading this), remember this. Science is just another tool that extends our vision of the human experience. Science in no way can prove or disprove any of the serious unanswerable questions.
You think because of science there is no god? You might be right, but consider this. If we can't even agree on how many dimensions makes up reality (string theory? 4 dimensions? etc..) Then why are you so quick to use science to disprove god? Now I am not saying there is a god. I am just saying: We don't know. What if, as I through out there about us being computer processors, is true? Then what? And in the more likely situation where my hypothetical is not true, we still cant even agree on how many dimensions there are.
A beautiful thing about this view on existence might not be clear to those few (if anyone) that are still reading this. I have throughout my childhood and into my recent years, have never believed in god. Science has always been there to shed light on the unknown.
And, who knows, perhaps science is the universal truth (although I'm not buying it anymore) and what we see is what we get. Well, I always felt a comfort in knowing the truth, whether others felt that way or now. I know that science was all there is, and pretty soon science would disprove all the crazy religious stuff, most of which already has been disproven.
Real quick I am going to write an update on my current state, then continue uninterrupted to the conclusion (or lack there of) to my beliefs. The update is below labeled T+6:00. It would have completely broken my flow, so I moved it down.
As I was saying, much of religion has been disproven through science. And like every other rational person, you have considered that science could disprove god, and in doing so explain why we exist.
I used to put that much faith in science, just as people are willing to put faith into religion. And don't try and tell me that is not the same thing, because it is. People unquestioningly believe what science tells them. This is somewhat misleading as all we have to go off is the human experience.
Really, science has not helped us see anything in a totally different light yet. Science has helped us create tools to see the very small, the very large, and a lot in between. But, science is unable to explain the fact that existence is not what we imagine it to be. Is it these simple three dimensions, or is it 11 dimensions? Or something in between? Or something so far outside that we have no way to understand it. Back to the operating system example: science is spell check and microsoft word is my life.
You see what I am getting at right?
I don't pretend to have everything figured out. I still have faith in science. Humans, like me, want to find a belief system. Religion used to provide this, science is used almost as a modern replacement without all the heaven and hell.
My whole damned long philosophy in far fewer words is: always question everything, especially what you think of as absolute truths, such as existence and the big unanswerables.
This newfound skepticism, which is based on personal beliefs, is easy to ignore. Please, don't take any of this to be a greater truth or even as my firm belief - because it isn't.
Questioning science has led me back to the possibility of a god. In fact, I believe there is something greater than humanity. This is based entirely on my personal beliefs, and I spent enough time explaining how I got to where I am now. Using this skepticism and questioning, I realized a lot of what I knew to be true was based on very little circumstantial evidence. Such as the fact that existence is REALLY based on what you perceive.
Shit, hallucinogens (especially DMT and salvia) showed me something that a scientific instrument couldn't. An entirely new reality. Salvia will dissolve the 3D reality away into some sort of cruel cosmic joke. I hate salvia. It showed me very negative things. I know some people swear by it, and to each his own. Although I don't like it at all, I have lost existence on at least 5 separate occasions with salvia.
DMT is a lot nicer and friendlier, but still will teach you incredible things. The first time I smoked a lot of DMT and crossed the veil I saw (or more felt) god. This is totally irrational. I know it is, but I felt something. I am not about to try to convince anyone that there is or is not a god, that is totally and completely personal. And next time you start judging (even if it isn't intentional) based on their beliefs or opinions, try to see it from their point of view for a second.
Shit, if I really believed to be truth that the bible is the absolute truth, how could you blame me? As long as someone is not trying to convert me, and is willing to have a civil (key word here) conversation about this stuff, I should be entitled to believe whatever I want.
And I do.
My beliefs, however, are not resting on any sure knowledge. I accept that my belief in god is just that, a belief. The simple fact that things are so astronomically complex as the apple (filling every book ever and a lot more just to describe what we know to be observable truths about this specific apple) in even our perception of reality, that even if this perception is real, there is more than enough room for a greater being along side science. Even if all that hypothetical stuff about different dimensions and computers was never brought up, the apple shows that in this single perceived human experience, things are far too complex to ever fully understand.
I feel security in the fact that I know no more and no less about what is the answer to those currently unanswerable questions, but that I have given it the best I had, and am willing to settle for "I can't say anything is for certain, and my beliefs are just beliefs, but having considered all the possibilities (or lack thereof due to the human experience, also in my opinion) I choose to believe in god. Not in any specific religion, but I believe in a higher/greater/whatever power that I am willing to call god."
...
T+6:00: As you can probably tell if you are still reading, I am feeling the stimulant side majorly. I am still completely rolling/tripping. Perhaps what I mistook to be a slow tapering off of effects was just a plateau with some ebb and flow. All I know is I still feel good. Having trouble taking a piss, but once it started everything worked fine, just a little slower. This effect is more intense that I had expected. I can pee just fine on 600mg good MDMA - not that I ever see good or anywhere close to pure, especially these days.
This lack of quality street drugs is what turned my scope to where I can get pure drugs. Online. Now that is proving just as dirty a business as street hustlers, if not worse. At least if someone sells me fake MDMA it wont turn out to be MDPV and fuck me up for days on end. The unknown, whether is down the street or in a Chinese is dangerous. The only reason I trusted these specific 6-APB were from knowing people that tried them.
...
I sincerely hope a single person is able to get out of this at least some enjoyment, and hopefully some new perspectives on what it means to be a human. I know just writing this has been a great way to combine some of my favorite topics into a mix between trip report, manifesto of my beliefs, and essay on hypotheticals and questioning reason. I love this shit. Please, I really enjoy a good civil debate about anything. If you can think of other good reality-questioning ideas or concepts, message me or write back in this thread.
While it didn't start out this way, my objective when discussing philosophy is not to question anyones beliefs, but discuss how they came to those conclusions. Whether you believe in the Christian God or Muslim God, or whatever. If you are happy believing whatever it is you believe, then more power to you. And if those beliefs stand in the way of even the most obvious logic, I am in no way more able to cast doubt on your beliefs than you are of mine.
T+7:30 Just finished up that whole beliefs section. I still can't believe how high I am after seven and a half hours. I am no less fucked-up than I was three hours ago. It is 3:40am here and I don't imagine I will be falling asleep before the sun comes up. Way too stimulated and overall high. Still feeling a lot of the same, no major changes. Jaw is getting tired. Gum is necessary. Still listening to Opium Den on Pandora - It is a great channel with all sorts of good beats. Still groovin along to the beats, but now I am running out of worthwhile things to say.
If not entirely cohesive or coherent, at least this has given me a foundation to work from. I have never written as much about myself and put my beliefs into words in quite some time. This feels like good practice, for the writer most of all. I will be able to go back and read this for the rest of my life, seeing how I have grown in certain ways and changed. Shit, even right now putting these thoughts into concrete words has, in an unorderly fashion, allowed me to define myself on paper.
Just as how whatever is said under the influence of MDMA or methylone might not be the entire truth, neither is the regular view on things less flawed. It is taking what you want from experiences (be it with substances, books, worldly experiences, ANYTHING) and trying to apply what you like to your life. Although it is hardly ever put in those words, that is exactly who we are as people. A culmination of experiences and how we perceive those experiences, with a little nature to go along side the nurture. We pick what we like and leave what we don't, this is what makes us who we are.
...
T+8:00 I never expected to write but a couple paragraphs and move on with life, but here we are. I feel that I was able to capture my points using more words than might be necessary, but if anyone has any questions or would like to talk in more detail please, I would really like your feedback. I know this was long, and some of the paragraphs are long and poorly structured, but this editing will have to happen tomorrow or maybe never at all.
This internal dialogue has gone on a surprisingly long time, and for fear that I will start to repeat (if I haven't already, and I most certainly have) I will take a break for the next 45 minutes and collect my thoughts. Before I go though, no change in my current feeling or state of mind. Still feeling quite stimulated. Muscles in back and shoulders are sore - perhaps from all this damn typing.
...
I will continue updating, but will keep rants to a maximum from here on out.
T+8:45: Well, having lost everyone to bed long ago except my loyal mutt Poppy, I have been able to think and live in my head unobstructedly for like 4 hours straight. A curse and a gift perhaps. All I have to show is this filthy junkie short story that is no deeper than however you are reading it. Or is it? Decidedly, no. This is barely even a story. Shit, a massive cranial diarrhea leakage from my overcooked sick animal brain. At best.
Fuck it.
...
T+9:00-11:45: I am not really that high but I'm still wide awake. I spent this last three hours sitting around waiting for sleep, but it still doesn't feel close. I actually let some drunk friends in another state see this weird product prior to its untimely release. They were having an Australian robot read it off their computer over speaker phone.
This was fitting, as It sounded exactly as it did in my head. Dry of emotion and void of humanity. Like the shell of a burned out drug victim. One pill over the line. I will probably enlist the help of my medicine cabinet before too long. Here is the finale. I have had a good and weird 12 hours, at least 8 of those very high in an enjoyable way. Now, I still feel like I am tripping and still feel stimulated in a a weird but not depressing way.
Now, I feel rather empty. My fuel is running low, but my body is trying to continue going anyway. Im running on flash fried brain cells for reserve energy. Super charged and burning bright. Like the muhfuckin sun. 10,000,000 candle power. Sharp as a tac. Ready for anything but a normal day. Just heard my girlfriend's alarm going off while I am still in the living room. She is understanding, but I still feel like a bag of day old shit. Against all odds, I still feel upbeat. Like a junker with a few miles away from being sold for parts. Or totaled. This entire experience has been one giant cluster fuck of oddity all caught on paper.
Enough of that stupid pseudo-poetic bullshit. This stuff is making me soft.
T+12:00: This goes out to my boy Biggie, cuz fuck Tupac. That's why.
I feel like a crack head, all alone in the night. Still high as a kite, no end in sight. For better or worse, I'm fighting the fight. You've got the height, but I got the might. You throw your wrongs and I'll throw my right. So next time I see you you better pack tight. Cuz if your light, you can say goodnight.
To doubt me now is a little late, if your still reading this then maybe it's fate. And if you keep movin I might let ya skate. But if you try bringin' weight, its straight to checkmate. I hope your full cuz I'm eatin your plate. And whether you like it or not, you'll sit there and wait. I'll feed you a bullet when I'm done with your meal. I make pigs cry but your going to squeal. That's my offer so consider it a deal.
All I know is what I've said, and if you test that you might end up dead. I'd steal your wife but she already fled. You can marry my bullet, and forever be wed. Consider yourself lucky that your not worth the lead. But If you keep fightin, your makin your bed. Another word and it's off with your head.
Playin for keeps is all I know. So while your strugglin for sleet, I'll make it snow. If I need a breeze, your sister will blow. All I have is my word and my balls. I didn't write the book but I'll enforce the laws. Stackin dollas and poppin collas, don't make me holla or your bitch will swolla. So make them calls and bring what you got. Cuz this is your one and your only shot, whether you like it or not. So if your comin, you be hot.
You won't get another chance, so make it count. Kill me now or I'll take you out. Still here, after all this talkin? Bitch, you better be runnin cuz I don't see you walkin. Better hurry up or its your line they'll be chalkin.
I knew you were scared, like the bitch you are. But now runnin's too late cuz I got your car. You can't judge, cuz you ain't shit. You swing and you miss while I only hit. And you think this conversation is the end of it? You've said your bit, so its time to split? Cut your losses and quit? You think ALL I got is my word and my wit? Shit, On the count of 10 thats all she writ. Bitch, if im the olive branch you better spit, cuz what your suckin that ain't a pit. If your still here, you must be legit, either that or you don't know shit. Here's a lesson so don't forget. Your mom is the sea and I'm the ship, I'll ride your mother like I ghost ride my whip. So step up bitch, and let me teach you a bit. Or better yet, why don't you sit.
This isn't the end of my hustle and fame. Life is a game, so you better get playn. Your words mean nothin as I'm taking aim. If you don't kill then you better maim. And if you don't, then it all ends the same. My Thunder and Lighting will bring more than Rain. My style is brutal, you'll be beggin for pain. Life's a game but that don't make it fun. I'm Zeus and Hades rolled into one. Your words are soft compared to this gun. You'll be catch my bullets while throwin your puns. I'll spit fire while you try and run. So if you feel like hating then bring that shit on. You think your hot? Well I'm the muthafuckin sun. The day is rising and I've yet to yawn. Put down that bong n' move along, cuz I'm a king and your a pawn. Your awake in time for one last song, where my mower is singing and you are the lawn.
Take that Master P you bitch. Nah Nah Na Nahhhhhhhhhhhh muhfuckas.
/Ambien
/Double Whisky straight, like it should be. Why? Because it was meant to be. And why the fuck not?
The End.
Last edited:
