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Bluelight Crew
So I think I need to start off by giving a bit of context -
I've been addicted to heroin for the better part of this past year. I've come to a bit of a crossroads recently regarding my use as I have a gigantic career opportunity coming up in a couple weeks, an opportunity that I've been absolutely terrified of messing up for smack. Being in my first year at university, I've been managing to consolidate daily use with still keeping up appearances and doing well in class etc., but I know that that isn't going to last and I have to decide now whether I want to engage onto a life of heroin addiction, or whether I want to seize the real opportunities I have and make something out of myself.
A good friend recommended I try aMT as a way to hopefully modify and enlighten my vision and thoughts a bit.
6:30 pm
plugged about 25mg.
t+1
feeling very nauseous and uncomfortable. Probably best described as feeling carsick.
t+2
very sudden rush of euphoria. Nothing matters, I just feel happy.
Very restless and energetic - I need to move. Tingling in my hands and limbs - feels similar to RLS, but much less unpleasant.
Can't seem to stop clenching my jaw/grinding my teeth.
Things are starting to feel a bit strange. It's like my fingers are simultaneously sliding and melting into the keyboard.
Feels like everything is going slower. Not many visuals but stuff still looks distorted…almost as if I were looking down a tunnel.
Feeling extremely social, I want to talk to everyone. The empathy is very similar to MDMA, feeling a closeness to the world and to people.
My music sounds different - it feels slower and deeper. I feel it more than I hear it.
I still feel very nauseous and carsick.
t+3
big rush of love. I want to tell everybody how much I care about them and how grateful I am that they're a part of my life. I just want to hug people (again, similar to molly).
My palms are very sweaty, I feel extremely hot overall.
Can't seem to stop grinning/laughing. My jaw actually hurts from smiling so much without even noticing. I feel like I could just lie in bed laughing forever.
The music is really starting to go into me.
I'm pressing my foot into the wall and I feel like the wall is moving. Feels like clay. I'm extremely unaware of my physical body.
Starting to get slight closed eye visuals. Just sort of colors and shapes. It's very confusing, but in a great way.
At this point I'm just going to copy word for word my notes from last night - 'i'm having a huge realisation about heroin and about where my life is headed and everything. i need to embrace life and love people rather than hide from them like i do on smack. this is showing me that the world is wonderful, i dont want to hide myself from it anymore like i do on smack. i don't want the alternative life heroin offers me because that life will fucking suck and i'll never be able to forgive myself if i don't make the most of the opportunities i have now, and if i spend my life chasing a first high i'll never get back rather than appreciating this planet as it is. it's time for me to accept that i'll never get that first high again and i need to move on to other things now. there's no point in trying to get it back, because i won't get it back, and that's okay, i accept that.'
t+4
Copying my notes again - 'i'm actually getting very emotional right now. having a huge huge huge realisation about what i'm doing to myself with heroin and how much i've already hurt myself with it, and how many opportunities i've already ruined because of it. i don't fucking want heroin. heroin fucking SUCKS. it doesn't make me happy, it takes all the happiness out of everything. thinking that heroin is the only thing worth living for is just a fucking illusion because it's that good, but i can finally see past it now.'
Music has never sounded so beautiful.
t+5
Things are starting to be quite trippy. My posters are melting into the walls and jumping out at me at the same time - everything is melting.
Notes: 'I love it so much, everything is awesome'
Feels kind of like an out-of-body experience. I'm incredibly unaware of how I feel physically even though all my emotions and senses are heightened and multiplied.
I'm having this weird prevalent image of looking into myself through my eyes.
Notes: 'kind feel like my body is imploding onto itself?'
'I'm me again'
I feel like I'm melting into the music and it's melting into me.
Things basically stayed like that for the next 3 hours so I didn't take any notes during that time.
t+8
Getting cold waves.
Can't stop yawning all of a sudden.
I feel much more calm. I'm not energised and laughing all over the place anymore, it's a much simpler and calmer happiness - but it's actually more overwhelming. The feeling of acceptance is starting to come through very strongly.
I'm suddenly aware of being absolutely starving.
Having this very strange want to tell people I dislike that it's okay…I literally just feel like lovingly hugging them and telling them I can't stand them, but that it's fine and I accept that. Very weird.
t+8:30
starting to feel quite sad. I can really feel it wearing off now. I don't want it to end.
t+9
I'm starting to have the usual thoughts about heroin again, that it's the only thing that makes me happy etc….but it's okay because now I know there's an alternative to that. I experienced it for a few hours and that's what matters. I can do this.
Those feelings dragged on for another few hours. I was just progressively coming back to reality. I was feeling overwhelmingly sad - for the first time in a very long while. I realized I hadn't felt anything but anger since I'd started using. I'd never felt sad, or hurt - or anything positive, obviously - just angry all the time, frustrated and annoyed at the world and everything in it, including myself. I don't want that anymore.
I know it's going to be very difficult to get myself out of this, and it's a long road ahead. But I think this was the first step - to realise heroin makes you lie to yourself. I'm finally understanding what everyone has told me about it and why people on this website panic when I mention my use and want to help so much. I didn't get it before because I was so sure I was still in control in my own head, and I didn't understand how they couldn’t see that as well…but it's because I wasn't.
I thought that once I'd tried heroin, once I knew what that was like, everything would pale in comparison. Nothing would ever feel truly good again. I believed that with every tiny particle of my body. But it's a lie. It's an incredibly powerful and terrifying lie. I'm feeling overwhelmingly scared. I can't believe I lost control like that - I can't believe I thought I was fine. I thought I'd notice when things started to go bad, but they started going bad months ago and I had no clue.
I realise now what I must have looked like to other people. I've been so separate and closed off…I've been an emotionless monster, hiding behind a veil of emptiness and carelessness. I don't want that anymore. I want people to know who I actually am, I want to be 'me' again. I don't know who exactly 'me' is but I do know I want to discover her. I know she's better than this person who's been masquerading as me all this time.
I think people actually do care what happens to me. I didn't believe it before, when they said they did. I do now. We're all in this together, and we're all better than heroin. I'll be okay, I really will.
These thoughts continued until t+12 (about 6/6:30 am), at which point my body just felt like lead and I decided to sleep.
Next day: I'm feeling very calm and serene. I'm still very sad about everything, but I accept what's happened. I accept myself. I made a mistake with heroin - but I'm not angry at myself for that. It was a mistake, and now I realise that, and it's okay. It's time to move on. I'm not angry at H. I just want to say goodbye.
Of course now that the aMT has (mostly) worn off, I realise it's going to be much harder than it felt last night to say goodbye. The usual thoughts about heroin being the only thing that makes me happy are back in full power. But I know they're a lie and I know it's possible to see past them, and I don't want to let them dictate my life anymore.
There you go…this is very much focused on my current situation, but that's just because it's what the trip was about. I didn't expect these kinds of revelations, at all. I was actually quite dubious about what 'powers' it may have to realise things about myself, but…it really worked. I feel like it was a massive turning point.
So all in all, an overwhelmingly positive experience
I've been addicted to heroin for the better part of this past year. I've come to a bit of a crossroads recently regarding my use as I have a gigantic career opportunity coming up in a couple weeks, an opportunity that I've been absolutely terrified of messing up for smack. Being in my first year at university, I've been managing to consolidate daily use with still keeping up appearances and doing well in class etc., but I know that that isn't going to last and I have to decide now whether I want to engage onto a life of heroin addiction, or whether I want to seize the real opportunities I have and make something out of myself.
A good friend recommended I try aMT as a way to hopefully modify and enlighten my vision and thoughts a bit.
6:30 pm
plugged about 25mg.
t+1
feeling very nauseous and uncomfortable. Probably best described as feeling carsick.
t+2
very sudden rush of euphoria. Nothing matters, I just feel happy.
Very restless and energetic - I need to move. Tingling in my hands and limbs - feels similar to RLS, but much less unpleasant.
Can't seem to stop clenching my jaw/grinding my teeth.
Things are starting to feel a bit strange. It's like my fingers are simultaneously sliding and melting into the keyboard.
Feels like everything is going slower. Not many visuals but stuff still looks distorted…almost as if I were looking down a tunnel.
Feeling extremely social, I want to talk to everyone. The empathy is very similar to MDMA, feeling a closeness to the world and to people.
My music sounds different - it feels slower and deeper. I feel it more than I hear it.
I still feel very nauseous and carsick.
t+3
big rush of love. I want to tell everybody how much I care about them and how grateful I am that they're a part of my life. I just want to hug people (again, similar to molly).
My palms are very sweaty, I feel extremely hot overall.
Can't seem to stop grinning/laughing. My jaw actually hurts from smiling so much without even noticing. I feel like I could just lie in bed laughing forever.
The music is really starting to go into me.
I'm pressing my foot into the wall and I feel like the wall is moving. Feels like clay. I'm extremely unaware of my physical body.
Starting to get slight closed eye visuals. Just sort of colors and shapes. It's very confusing, but in a great way.
At this point I'm just going to copy word for word my notes from last night - 'i'm having a huge realisation about heroin and about where my life is headed and everything. i need to embrace life and love people rather than hide from them like i do on smack. this is showing me that the world is wonderful, i dont want to hide myself from it anymore like i do on smack. i don't want the alternative life heroin offers me because that life will fucking suck and i'll never be able to forgive myself if i don't make the most of the opportunities i have now, and if i spend my life chasing a first high i'll never get back rather than appreciating this planet as it is. it's time for me to accept that i'll never get that first high again and i need to move on to other things now. there's no point in trying to get it back, because i won't get it back, and that's okay, i accept that.'
t+4
Copying my notes again - 'i'm actually getting very emotional right now. having a huge huge huge realisation about what i'm doing to myself with heroin and how much i've already hurt myself with it, and how many opportunities i've already ruined because of it. i don't fucking want heroin. heroin fucking SUCKS. it doesn't make me happy, it takes all the happiness out of everything. thinking that heroin is the only thing worth living for is just a fucking illusion because it's that good, but i can finally see past it now.'
Music has never sounded so beautiful.
t+5
Things are starting to be quite trippy. My posters are melting into the walls and jumping out at me at the same time - everything is melting.
Notes: 'I love it so much, everything is awesome'
Feels kind of like an out-of-body experience. I'm incredibly unaware of how I feel physically even though all my emotions and senses are heightened and multiplied.
I'm having this weird prevalent image of looking into myself through my eyes.
Notes: 'kind feel like my body is imploding onto itself?'
'I'm me again'
I feel like I'm melting into the music and it's melting into me.
Things basically stayed like that for the next 3 hours so I didn't take any notes during that time.
t+8
Getting cold waves.
Can't stop yawning all of a sudden.
I feel much more calm. I'm not energised and laughing all over the place anymore, it's a much simpler and calmer happiness - but it's actually more overwhelming. The feeling of acceptance is starting to come through very strongly.
I'm suddenly aware of being absolutely starving.
Having this very strange want to tell people I dislike that it's okay…I literally just feel like lovingly hugging them and telling them I can't stand them, but that it's fine and I accept that. Very weird.
t+8:30
starting to feel quite sad. I can really feel it wearing off now. I don't want it to end.
t+9
I'm starting to have the usual thoughts about heroin again, that it's the only thing that makes me happy etc….but it's okay because now I know there's an alternative to that. I experienced it for a few hours and that's what matters. I can do this.
Those feelings dragged on for another few hours. I was just progressively coming back to reality. I was feeling overwhelmingly sad - for the first time in a very long while. I realized I hadn't felt anything but anger since I'd started using. I'd never felt sad, or hurt - or anything positive, obviously - just angry all the time, frustrated and annoyed at the world and everything in it, including myself. I don't want that anymore.
I know it's going to be very difficult to get myself out of this, and it's a long road ahead. But I think this was the first step - to realise heroin makes you lie to yourself. I'm finally understanding what everyone has told me about it and why people on this website panic when I mention my use and want to help so much. I didn't get it before because I was so sure I was still in control in my own head, and I didn't understand how they couldn’t see that as well…but it's because I wasn't.
I thought that once I'd tried heroin, once I knew what that was like, everything would pale in comparison. Nothing would ever feel truly good again. I believed that with every tiny particle of my body. But it's a lie. It's an incredibly powerful and terrifying lie. I'm feeling overwhelmingly scared. I can't believe I lost control like that - I can't believe I thought I was fine. I thought I'd notice when things started to go bad, but they started going bad months ago and I had no clue.
I realise now what I must have looked like to other people. I've been so separate and closed off…I've been an emotionless monster, hiding behind a veil of emptiness and carelessness. I don't want that anymore. I want people to know who I actually am, I want to be 'me' again. I don't know who exactly 'me' is but I do know I want to discover her. I know she's better than this person who's been masquerading as me all this time.
I think people actually do care what happens to me. I didn't believe it before, when they said they did. I do now. We're all in this together, and we're all better than heroin. I'll be okay, I really will.
These thoughts continued until t+12 (about 6/6:30 am), at which point my body just felt like lead and I decided to sleep.
Next day: I'm feeling very calm and serene. I'm still very sad about everything, but I accept what's happened. I accept myself. I made a mistake with heroin - but I'm not angry at myself for that. It was a mistake, and now I realise that, and it's okay. It's time to move on. I'm not angry at H. I just want to say goodbye.
Of course now that the aMT has (mostly) worn off, I realise it's going to be much harder than it felt last night to say goodbye. The usual thoughts about heroin being the only thing that makes me happy are back in full power. But I know they're a lie and I know it's possible to see past them, and I don't want to let them dictate my life anymore.
There you go…this is very much focused on my current situation, but that's just because it's what the trip was about. I didn't expect these kinds of revelations, at all. I was actually quite dubious about what 'powers' it may have to realise things about myself, but…it really worked. I feel like it was a massive turning point.
So all in all, an overwhelmingly positive experience
