splenda
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 18, 2005
- Messages
- 651
So I wrote a first draft reflective essay on my previous amphetamine use in the past, it's fairly crappy (for an English 100 college course) so sorry about the wordiness. Anyway, tell me what you guys think, thanks!
09/06/06
English 100
Thunder Perfect Mind
1. Euphoria
Standing. Waiting. Waiting outside the concert hall. Waiting for a play to start, Hamlet. But fuck that; fuck the play, fuck the standing, fuck the waiting. All I cared about at that moment was for it to enter my fucking nervous system. And that "it" being not just anything. Not some bullshit Sudafed or Ritalin or Corcidin that idiotic high schoolers swallow like candy. Not that shit ass opioid Vicodin that kids mix with alcohol to get fucked up with either. But Adderall. Amphetamine salts. Speed. Pharmaceutical speed. My first experience with amphetamine-- 80 milligrams.
Suffering from extreme fatigue caused by running around town getting some chores done, a close friend of mine who conned her doctor for an Adderall script offered me some pills earlier in the day. Tinted blue, the pills contained small balls encapsulated with the words "Shire 10mg" written on the outside. Having ten of them in my anxious palm, I swallowed eight of them down with a diet Pepsi not ten minutes before arriving the concert hall. I honestly did not really expect the pills to do much because at that time I did not realize that Adderall was amphetamine, so, having a "screw it" mindset, I decided to take eight instead of just one or two. Irrational? Maybe. Insane? Maybe. A risk? Very much so.
The waiting game continued. My stomach churned as I felt the sulfate/aspartame salts being absorbed by my gastrointestinal tract. I chatted with some friends outside the hall while having flashes of gastric acid flare up, heartburn-esque. A friend asked me if he wanted to go for a smoke since that fucker wanted to bum a Marlboro off of me. Being bored, and still anticipating an altered state of conciousness, I agreed.
My friend and I went off to the side of the building and lit up our cigarettes. Me, being an experienced smoker, I pretty much knew how to smoke damn well and properly, remembering always to never inhale the first drag as it is just the rolling paper. On the other hand, my friend was smoking like a damn monkey, inhaling every last puff he could get. As I ashed the first drag, I carefully sucked on the filter, inhaled, and then slowly exhaled my first nicotine-contained smoke. And then, at that moment, I do believe quite well that finally those fucking amphetamine molecules passed my blood-brain barrier and entered my nervous system.
An enormous tingle ran up my spine. All anxieties were removed. An enormous amount of euphoria came over me. I didn't give a shit about anything. My mind was clear as a midsummer day. The most tedious and boring of tasks became the most interesting and the most annoyingly stupid people became the most intelligibly coherent people.
As I walked up the stairs of the concert hall I could not comprehend the greatness of my mindset; it was just too overwhelming. The play became so engrossing; I understood every detail and every emotion being portrayed on stage. I felt as if I was the only one in the whole concert hall who understood the emotional content of the play. I felt as if I was the only one paying attention to the stage. And that is when it started, my love for everything amphetamine.
After the play, still very altered in conciousness, I went home and stayed up all night on the internet reading everything about amphetamine. I probably finished off all the information I could gather in a 6 hour period. I finally fell asleep at around 5am after struggling through the stimulant-induced insomnia, anxiety, and chest pain. But at that moment I didn't give a shit about the chest pain. I could have died and it would have been a passionate death. A death catering to my love of this simple phenethylamine chemical molecule.
--
"Did you say l'amour (love)? I heard la mort (death)!" --Jean Genet
2. Passion, Power, Purge
Ever since, I started to purchase the Adderall from her regularly. I took anywhere from 40mg to 80mg a day, having a blast and understanding every concept in school with the clarity of someone with a MENSA IQ. Hell-- reading, writing, thinking, talking, anything that encompassed intellectual pursuits captivated my interest. I was always a nerd, even before my experimentation, but the kind of nerd without the ability to think abstractly. Being close-minded, I felt as if my cognitive logical gears were oiled up from the amphetamine.
The amphetamine gave me a lust for intelligence; that drive for knowledge, in the most explicit and passionate way ever. This was something I've never had in my thoughts before. I could have cared less for any philosophy or any expansion of worldly, personal, and introspective awareness.
One day at home, speeding off my ass online, I was chatting with a good friend of mine. Sadly, a pretentious debate team nerd, he was ranting about how Friedrich Nietzsche's Nihilism is such a stupid ideology. I thought, hmm... "Nihilism?" "Gott ist Tot (God is Dead)?" Needless to say I slept, popped more amphetamine the next morning and pulled Thus Spake Zarathustra, Beyond Good and Evil, and The Anti-Christ off the shelves from Borders and read them all in the cafe in about an 8 hour period. Something I've never done before, nor would I have imagined I would have ever do, I was amazed at my abilities on amphetamine. I went home and slept, coming down hard from the amphetamine with blurry eyes from staring at black text all day (but, of course, with a great understanding of Nietzscheian's uebermensch and nihilistic philosophy.)
I continued my philosophical interests with great detail, but sadly my amphetamine use was getting quite out of hand. I had many bouts of anger, psychosis, hallucinations, emotional fits, and screaming with my parents on the come downs of amphetamine. I brought up delusional arguments with them about my "horrible psychological upbringing" and that their parenting was so "terrible."
I can't even count the number of times I've been to the hospital ER, suffering from amphetamine "delusions." Luckily I was placed only once in the psychiatric ER, which was a horrible place to be in. The other times I was just discharged with notes from the doctor to stop using amphetamines, along with a script to help me calm down, reduce psychosis, and sleep (Valium.)
--
"Sometimes we are too sensitive about defilement or elegance or sense of beauty. Sometimes we tire of it and we need a sudden explosion to make us free from it." --Yukio Mishima
3. Dysphoria
I stopped using amphetamines at about the end of last year because the positive effects, the intellectual insight and the euphoria, suddenly ceased to appear because of tolerance. So I decided to quit. And boy, what a great time to quit! I couldn't go to school because I slept all day, suffering from amphetamine withdrawal depression. All my AP courses: AP European History, AP English, AP Biology, I got F's in because I never showed up to class or when I did it was all cracked out on amphetamine.
So I decided, hey, fuck it. I fucked up. I gained so much of this knowledge and insight, but along with it an addiction and somewhat of a downfall. So I dropped out of high school, got my GED. Signed up for college for the fall of 2006 at ****. I actually wanted to go direct to *** but I didn't take the SAT early enough.
And overall it's a bit funny, I haven't really done amphetamines in the amounts I've did during that period ever since. I have touched amphetamine maybe twice this year max, and it reminded me why I stopped taking them on both occasions-- all the intellectual insight and euphoria was missing and was replaced with anxiety, sweating, and scatterbrained dysphoria.
They taught me an extreme amount though, and all my intellectual pursuits stick with me to this day. Without them I wouldn't know where I would be today. I'd probably be getting a 4.0GPA in crappy high school courses I utterly loathe. I found my future major (psychiatric pharmacology) and a great pursuit of intellectual knowledge through a simple chemical, a wonderful thing for what it is worth in itself.
--
"I tell you: one must have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star." --Friedrich Nietzsche
09/06/06
English 100
Thunder Perfect Mind
1. Euphoria
Standing. Waiting. Waiting outside the concert hall. Waiting for a play to start, Hamlet. But fuck that; fuck the play, fuck the standing, fuck the waiting. All I cared about at that moment was for it to enter my fucking nervous system. And that "it" being not just anything. Not some bullshit Sudafed or Ritalin or Corcidin that idiotic high schoolers swallow like candy. Not that shit ass opioid Vicodin that kids mix with alcohol to get fucked up with either. But Adderall. Amphetamine salts. Speed. Pharmaceutical speed. My first experience with amphetamine-- 80 milligrams.
Suffering from extreme fatigue caused by running around town getting some chores done, a close friend of mine who conned her doctor for an Adderall script offered me some pills earlier in the day. Tinted blue, the pills contained small balls encapsulated with the words "Shire 10mg" written on the outside. Having ten of them in my anxious palm, I swallowed eight of them down with a diet Pepsi not ten minutes before arriving the concert hall. I honestly did not really expect the pills to do much because at that time I did not realize that Adderall was amphetamine, so, having a "screw it" mindset, I decided to take eight instead of just one or two. Irrational? Maybe. Insane? Maybe. A risk? Very much so.
The waiting game continued. My stomach churned as I felt the sulfate/aspartame salts being absorbed by my gastrointestinal tract. I chatted with some friends outside the hall while having flashes of gastric acid flare up, heartburn-esque. A friend asked me if he wanted to go for a smoke since that fucker wanted to bum a Marlboro off of me. Being bored, and still anticipating an altered state of conciousness, I agreed.
My friend and I went off to the side of the building and lit up our cigarettes. Me, being an experienced smoker, I pretty much knew how to smoke damn well and properly, remembering always to never inhale the first drag as it is just the rolling paper. On the other hand, my friend was smoking like a damn monkey, inhaling every last puff he could get. As I ashed the first drag, I carefully sucked on the filter, inhaled, and then slowly exhaled my first nicotine-contained smoke. And then, at that moment, I do believe quite well that finally those fucking amphetamine molecules passed my blood-brain barrier and entered my nervous system.
An enormous tingle ran up my spine. All anxieties were removed. An enormous amount of euphoria came over me. I didn't give a shit about anything. My mind was clear as a midsummer day. The most tedious and boring of tasks became the most interesting and the most annoyingly stupid people became the most intelligibly coherent people.
As I walked up the stairs of the concert hall I could not comprehend the greatness of my mindset; it was just too overwhelming. The play became so engrossing; I understood every detail and every emotion being portrayed on stage. I felt as if I was the only one in the whole concert hall who understood the emotional content of the play. I felt as if I was the only one paying attention to the stage. And that is when it started, my love for everything amphetamine.
After the play, still very altered in conciousness, I went home and stayed up all night on the internet reading everything about amphetamine. I probably finished off all the information I could gather in a 6 hour period. I finally fell asleep at around 5am after struggling through the stimulant-induced insomnia, anxiety, and chest pain. But at that moment I didn't give a shit about the chest pain. I could have died and it would have been a passionate death. A death catering to my love of this simple phenethylamine chemical molecule.
--
"Did you say l'amour (love)? I heard la mort (death)!" --Jean Genet
2. Passion, Power, Purge
Ever since, I started to purchase the Adderall from her regularly. I took anywhere from 40mg to 80mg a day, having a blast and understanding every concept in school with the clarity of someone with a MENSA IQ. Hell-- reading, writing, thinking, talking, anything that encompassed intellectual pursuits captivated my interest. I was always a nerd, even before my experimentation, but the kind of nerd without the ability to think abstractly. Being close-minded, I felt as if my cognitive logical gears were oiled up from the amphetamine.
The amphetamine gave me a lust for intelligence; that drive for knowledge, in the most explicit and passionate way ever. This was something I've never had in my thoughts before. I could have cared less for any philosophy or any expansion of worldly, personal, and introspective awareness.
One day at home, speeding off my ass online, I was chatting with a good friend of mine. Sadly, a pretentious debate team nerd, he was ranting about how Friedrich Nietzsche's Nihilism is such a stupid ideology. I thought, hmm... "Nihilism?" "Gott ist Tot (God is Dead)?" Needless to say I slept, popped more amphetamine the next morning and pulled Thus Spake Zarathustra, Beyond Good and Evil, and The Anti-Christ off the shelves from Borders and read them all in the cafe in about an 8 hour period. Something I've never done before, nor would I have imagined I would have ever do, I was amazed at my abilities on amphetamine. I went home and slept, coming down hard from the amphetamine with blurry eyes from staring at black text all day (but, of course, with a great understanding of Nietzscheian's uebermensch and nihilistic philosophy.)
I continued my philosophical interests with great detail, but sadly my amphetamine use was getting quite out of hand. I had many bouts of anger, psychosis, hallucinations, emotional fits, and screaming with my parents on the come downs of amphetamine. I brought up delusional arguments with them about my "horrible psychological upbringing" and that their parenting was so "terrible."
I can't even count the number of times I've been to the hospital ER, suffering from amphetamine "delusions." Luckily I was placed only once in the psychiatric ER, which was a horrible place to be in. The other times I was just discharged with notes from the doctor to stop using amphetamines, along with a script to help me calm down, reduce psychosis, and sleep (Valium.)
--
"Sometimes we are too sensitive about defilement or elegance or sense of beauty. Sometimes we tire of it and we need a sudden explosion to make us free from it." --Yukio Mishima
3. Dysphoria
I stopped using amphetamines at about the end of last year because the positive effects, the intellectual insight and the euphoria, suddenly ceased to appear because of tolerance. So I decided to quit. And boy, what a great time to quit! I couldn't go to school because I slept all day, suffering from amphetamine withdrawal depression. All my AP courses: AP European History, AP English, AP Biology, I got F's in because I never showed up to class or when I did it was all cracked out on amphetamine.
So I decided, hey, fuck it. I fucked up. I gained so much of this knowledge and insight, but along with it an addiction and somewhat of a downfall. So I dropped out of high school, got my GED. Signed up for college for the fall of 2006 at ****. I actually wanted to go direct to *** but I didn't take the SAT early enough.
And overall it's a bit funny, I haven't really done amphetamines in the amounts I've did during that period ever since. I have touched amphetamine maybe twice this year max, and it reminded me why I stopped taking them on both occasions-- all the intellectual insight and euphoria was missing and was replaced with anxiety, sweating, and scatterbrained dysphoria.
They taught me an extreme amount though, and all my intellectual pursuits stick with me to this day. Without them I wouldn't know where I would be today. I'd probably be getting a 4.0GPA in crappy high school courses I utterly loathe. I found my future major (psychiatric pharmacology) and a great pursuit of intellectual knowledge through a simple chemical, a wonderful thing for what it is worth in itself.
--
"I tell you: one must have chaos in one to give birth to a dancing star." --Friedrich Nietzsche
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