DemonSeed
Bluelighter
19th December 2008
The whole last night, I spent it with friends and some chill people. We were doing really good speed; we talked about many many things, and eventually went for a car ride which was relaxing but a bit too long for me. Early in the morning, my friend J-P gave me a ride back home. I lay down on my couch to relax for about an hour. I then decided to take good breathes and soon sat down to meditate. A while after, I was calmer and as I continued breathing deeply and slowly, in then out, it became easily an automatism. It’s impossible to totally counter the stress of amphetamines, with will or without, but I’m there meditating and like anything else you do on amps, it’s easy and require no effort and last long for the same reason. I seem to be able to calibrate more precisely the speed of inhalations and exaltations when compared with sober meditation.
Time pass and I reach a deep state; I feel relax, peaceful, smarter, available for a new day. I get ready to go to work; I swallow 1 mg clonazepam. Arrived at the grocery I work at, I pop a speed tablet. Both drugs kick in as I start to work; I feel anxiety free, calm, more confident and talkative. There’s a definite stimulation and hours flow and I never get bored. At lunch time, my friends Karl and J-P come get me and we go chill together. We were all on some sort of a smooth down. I’m glad they came because staying in the dining room at work for an hour and an half didn’t appeal me at all. This allowed me to chill before the afternoon shift.
I taught about taking a last pill, but changed my mind and took another 1 mg clonazepam. I worked and felt a bit weirdo, experiencing inoffensive paranoia. I did like usual, convinced nothing was wrong with me. With that confidence in myself, even if one would give me a suspicious look, I don’t see what he could do. I did my job like a pro, not pushing myself too hard, going as slow as acceptable. Why would I waste my energy for that? Not mentioning attracting suspicion. Most of the afternoon, I felt fine and somehow enjoyed myself. I had no problem for the job as I felt quite normal. As a cool bonus I felt like I was floating around which was really a pleasure.
I was walking back to the crates and suddenly a strong impression came inside my chest. It was a good feeling of pleasurable sadness, nothing painful at all. Thoughts started to race in my mind. I got introspective and asked myself existential questions. It was beautiful like a contemplation of some sort, intense at time. I wondered what had became of my dreams as I tried to remember them. As a small kid I wanted to be rich; I also wanted to be someone special, a genius. Later it was to become an artist writer. All of those are gone now, forgotten in time, and am left with delusions. Nowadays, I just live a day at a time, I do drug, going on and off the train… The clouds, stars and the Moon are moving and I must follow the rhythm. Often I feel like am just surviving this harsh reality…
18th December 2008
I would like to write about my feelings, but now that I’m trying to do so, I don’t know what it is that I felt a strong desire to type down; the impressions which were overwhelming my heart are gone and now am just left feeling empty. I’m a void. I dreamt for a long time to become an artist writer or maybe even a poet. That dream is so far away, lost in another time, just like all my other dreams – they all turned to delusions. I no longer have something to fulfill. I’m not sad about it; I just live one day after another. Life is no longer what it used to be; so many events happened, good things and terrible ones.
When I was younger, I could have never imagined all the pain I went through and still pursues my life with. It’s been a little while since I had my heart falls apart my chest – the most horrible pain possible, a world collapsing. Yet my soul doesn’t feel at rest: I was working outside and while doing so, I had this feeling of calm sadness and I started thinking about my current situation and my life in general.
substancecode_amphetamine
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_clonazepam
substancecode_klonopin
substancecode_benzos
substancecode_pharms
substancecode_gabaergics
explevel_experienced
roacode_oral
exptype_neutral
_combo_
Sudden insight and introspection
The whole last night, I spent it with friends and some chill people. We were doing really good speed; we talked about many many things, and eventually went for a car ride which was relaxing but a bit too long for me. Early in the morning, my friend J-P gave me a ride back home. I lay down on my couch to relax for about an hour. I then decided to take good breathes and soon sat down to meditate. A while after, I was calmer and as I continued breathing deeply and slowly, in then out, it became easily an automatism. It’s impossible to totally counter the stress of amphetamines, with will or without, but I’m there meditating and like anything else you do on amps, it’s easy and require no effort and last long for the same reason. I seem to be able to calibrate more precisely the speed of inhalations and exaltations when compared with sober meditation.
Time pass and I reach a deep state; I feel relax, peaceful, smarter, available for a new day. I get ready to go to work; I swallow 1 mg clonazepam. Arrived at the grocery I work at, I pop a speed tablet. Both drugs kick in as I start to work; I feel anxiety free, calm, more confident and talkative. There’s a definite stimulation and hours flow and I never get bored. At lunch time, my friends Karl and J-P come get me and we go chill together. We were all on some sort of a smooth down. I’m glad they came because staying in the dining room at work for an hour and an half didn’t appeal me at all. This allowed me to chill before the afternoon shift.
I taught about taking a last pill, but changed my mind and took another 1 mg clonazepam. I worked and felt a bit weirdo, experiencing inoffensive paranoia. I did like usual, convinced nothing was wrong with me. With that confidence in myself, even if one would give me a suspicious look, I don’t see what he could do. I did my job like a pro, not pushing myself too hard, going as slow as acceptable. Why would I waste my energy for that? Not mentioning attracting suspicion. Most of the afternoon, I felt fine and somehow enjoyed myself. I had no problem for the job as I felt quite normal. As a cool bonus I felt like I was floating around which was really a pleasure.
I was walking back to the crates and suddenly a strong impression came inside my chest. It was a good feeling of pleasurable sadness, nothing painful at all. Thoughts started to race in my mind. I got introspective and asked myself existential questions. It was beautiful like a contemplation of some sort, intense at time. I wondered what had became of my dreams as I tried to remember them. As a small kid I wanted to be rich; I also wanted to be someone special, a genius. Later it was to become an artist writer. All of those are gone now, forgotten in time, and am left with delusions. Nowadays, I just live a day at a time, I do drug, going on and off the train… The clouds, stars and the Moon are moving and I must follow the rhythm. Often I feel like am just surviving this harsh reality…
18th December 2008
Soliloquy
Dreams, delusions and sadness
Dreams, delusions and sadness
I would like to write about my feelings, but now that I’m trying to do so, I don’t know what it is that I felt a strong desire to type down; the impressions which were overwhelming my heart are gone and now am just left feeling empty. I’m a void. I dreamt for a long time to become an artist writer or maybe even a poet. That dream is so far away, lost in another time, just like all my other dreams – they all turned to delusions. I no longer have something to fulfill. I’m not sad about it; I just live one day after another. Life is no longer what it used to be; so many events happened, good things and terrible ones.
When I was younger, I could have never imagined all the pain I went through and still pursues my life with. It’s been a little while since I had my heart falls apart my chest – the most horrible pain possible, a world collapsing. Yet my soul doesn’t feel at rest: I was working outside and while doing so, I had this feeling of calm sadness and I started thinking about my current situation and my life in general.
substancecode_amphetamine
substancecode_amphetamines
substancecode_clonazepam
substancecode_klonopin
substancecode_benzos
substancecode_pharms
substancecode_gabaergics
explevel_experienced
roacode_oral
exptype_neutral
_combo_
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