amnesia, depression, drug addiction

[TMNPothead]

I'll start by going back a little over a year ago, I'd say around August of 2010 when i first became curious about research chemicals. A few of my friends were buying the incense blends that contained jwh-xxx, so I being a heavy marijuana smoker gave them a try. After about a month I discovered the ingredients to these incense blends and did a great deal of reading about jwh-018 and AM2201 and the like. What caught my eye even more than these cannabinoids were chemicals being labeled as "legal ecstasy". Myself being from rural Kentucky never get the chance of trying proper drugs like MDMA and LSD. They might come around once every year or two and that's only if you know the right people. I immediately started reading as much about these chemicals as possible, it was crazy to me that they could so easily be purchased online and yet nobody i knew was taking advantage of this or even knew about said chemicals except maybe the oddball or two that had heard of 2ci.

After reading as much as i thought was necessary i decided i would order some Methylone online and test it out. By this time i had already started making my own JWH-018 blends at home and had bought the basic mg scale and capsules. This is when things start getting a little blurry, I remember receiving the Methylone and being very excited about it. I remember trying it a couple of times with some good friends and having a blast. Almost immediately my entire town caught wind and wanted some of this "ecstasy" that i had. Like i said i live in a very small town in rural Kentucky so word travels fast. I had decided to order a decent amount of Methylone to try to make a little money because everyone was bugging me about it so much. This may seem like a shady thing to do but like i said real MDMA never comes around my parts and it was quite easy to mark up the price of Methylone and make some cash to order more. In no way was i trying to hustle people they were happy to buy from me and I was getting new customers everyday.

Not long after i finally found a source for 2ci and 2ce which i was very happy about, took me a long time to find a good source for some reason. The 2ci and 2ce pretty much turned out the same way, everybody in town wanted some because hallucinogens are so hard to find around here. I couldn't keep it in stock it was so popular. This is where things really start to fade to black for me and I don't remember much else that happened. I was gaining lots of "friends" because of all the partying i was doing and my good friends pretty much partied for free because of me, I was told I would do plenty of hand outs once i was in the party mood. I'd say this is around December of 2010. I'll also point out at this time i had a lovely woman in my life and i was a very happy, social person with many friends. Now lets skip forward to around June 2011 when i regain my memory shall we...

I wake up in the ICU at the hospital wondering what the hell is going on. Many old friends stop by to see me and try to explain what happened but my head is still so foggy i don't know what the hell is going on. I had a seizure, it was so violent that i fell out my bed and tried to catch myself, doing so i successfully broke both my shoulders under the weight of my body. What was really embarrassing is this happened the day after my birthday and my entire family was in town to see me. After a few days in the hospital one of my best friends and one of my friends that i partied with a lot came to see me. What he told me is still hard to believe to this day but does make sense. He told me I had pretty much became the biggest drug dealer in town that he knew of. After the 2ci we decided to try other research chemicals and we both went off the deep end. I'm not sure on dates but he said I was ordering just about any chemical that sounded somewhat fun. He told me about Methoxetamine trips, about 5meo-dmt trips, doing grams of Mephedrone in one night. I don't think any of those had much to do with my down fall though. What really started it was when i found over seas pharmaceutical companies. With all the money i had been making I easily purchased 1000 2mg xanax bars and 1000 200mg tramadol. Even worse was my friend was at one time a big tweaker. He told me I had already ordered some MDPV at one point and we thought it was ok...until one day i informed him you could smoke it just like speed off of foil. This turned everything around and we would go on 4 to 5 day binges of smoking MDPV nonstop.

What really gets to me is I'm not even a big speed fan, I don't understand how i let this chemical took ahold of me so bad. My buddy just said it's really addictive once you get going, I wouldn't know i don't remember trying the stuff. Eventually I quit my job, my girl broke up with me, and i had become quite the drug addict in a very short period of time. What's even worse is i don't even know what exactly caused my seizure, most the drugs i was doing don't show up in a drug test so the doctors couldn't even tell me what i was on at the time. My guess would be I was coming off Methylone and not being in the right state of mind took tramadol on top of that and it caused some nasty serotonin syndrome. After getting out of the hospital at first everyone was very concerned and would stop by to make sure i was doing good and everything. About a month would pass and it seemed like I lost all my friends that cared so much. It's been about 5 months now and I still don't remember anything that happened. I've become very anti-social and get really bad social anxiety nowadays, to the point where i couldn't even hold a job because i was too nervous. This has burdened me so badly that I'm starting to become depressed and a shut in. Nothing seems fun anymore and life itself is becoming duller everyday it seems. I have been debating whether or not i should see a doctor about this problem. It's been very difficult going from a normal guy just trying to have some fun on the weekends with his friends and girlfriend to a burnout that doesn't remember the last half a year of his life with pretty much no friends and no girl or job.

This is not to put anybody down that does research chemicals, just my journey with them. much to anyone that took the time to read this. I really don't know what else to say except stay safe guys!

 

[itsok]

what a crazy fucking adventure! thanks for sharing. are u beginning to remember that u were the the town's biggest drug dealer at all? lol!!!

 

[TMNPothead]

what a crazy fucking adventure! thanks for sharing. are u beginning to remember that u were the the town's biggest drug dealer at all? lol!!!

Not really, except for my grandfather finding around 5 grand and 100 grams of Methylone and huge bags of xanax and tramadol I had. Oh and about 40 unknown number i have saved in my phone now8) lol

 

[Dave]

That was an intense tale-- thanks for sharing. Have you been over to blogs, by the way? This would be well suited over there. I'd like to keep it here for the moment though, by asking you: so what are you doing now? Still in hospital? Trying to recover? Keeping sober, and getting life back on track?

 

[TMNPothead]

That was an intense tale-- thanks for sharing. Have you been over to blogs, by the way? This would be well suited over there. I'd like to keep it here for the moment though, by asking you: so what are you doing now? Still in hospital? Trying to recover? Keeping sober, and getting life back on track?

No i haven't I'll have to check it out. I've actually been out of the hospital for around 4-5 months now and am fully healed physically. Mentally is another beast entirely. Keeping sober would probably be a good start. I'm no longer indulging in research chemicals, but I'm still smoking pot, drinking alcohol, and the occasional benzo when i can find them. Also LSD if i can ever find it, which is hardly ever. I've become quite a shut in and I hate it. Social anxiety has taken it's tole on me.

 

[effie]

Thank you for sharing that TMNPothead

You've been through a lot lately! I can't imagine how scary it must have been coming to in ICU.. I'm glad you are staying away from RCs and amphetamines. If you are struggling mentally, have you tried speaking to a counsellor or therapist? It might really help..

Congrats on being 5 months out of hospital and physically better. Go easy on yourself - you've been through a traumatic time, it might take a while to get back on your feet again, but you can do it. Do you have any friends or family around supporting you?

 

[TMNPothead]

Thank you for sharing that TMNPothead

You've been through a lot lately! I can't imagine how scary it must have been coming to in ICU.. I'm glad you are staying away from RCs and amphetamines. If you are struggling mentally, have you tried speaking to a counsellor or therapist? It might really help..

Congrats on being 5 months out of hospital and physically better. Go easy on yourself - you've been through a traumatic time, it might take a while to get back on your feet again, but you can do it. Do you have any friends or family around supporting you?

I'd really like to kick drugs all together but everything just seems so bland without them right now. I need to make myself get out more but it's been difficult to say the least. I haven't spoken to a professional about my situation no, I'm thinking i should soon though. I've lost most of my friends recently, mostly because I'm not partying as much. The friends i still have would be supportive if I came to them with a problem though. My family is very supportive, but they don't understand why I have anxiety and why I'm depressed all the time. They just think I'm lazy and going to be a drug addict. They think i need rehab.

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

Seriously I’d just like to say first that that was a truly amazing story. I can’t even imagine going from someone casually looking up obscure chemicals on the internet to becoming the town kingpin, then losing it all again in less than a year. In a way I’m not sure if I envy you or feel sorry for you.

Stay around this site long enough, and you are sure to hear some truly horrendous stories. You had a rough time but it could have been a lot, lot worse, so take solace in that.

But losing six months of memory is pretty fucked up too. I imagine after such a meteoric rise and equally sudden fall that it’s normal to feel as if life is somehow over, that you’ve ground to a halt. That there’s no future. But in your case I don’t think that’s quite right.
You strike me as a smart guy, certainly an enterprising one. If you managed to make five grand (perhaps more) in such a short time, I see no reason why you couldn’t make 10,000 the next time, doing something else. But of course, before you do that, you need to answer the trickiest question of all – what exactly is it that you want to do?

Here I can’t offer much advice, I don’t know you, you’re hobbies, likes, dislikes, hatreds. In fact, I strongly suspect you feel so bad because you haven’t figured this stuff out yourself either. But don’t worry, it will come, it just takes a little time.

I can tell you something for certain though. Drugs are the number one thing that will stop you from finding out. Doing drugs is fucking fun, but ultimately unfulfilling because it leads nowhere. In your situation, you know this better than anyone. You had an adventure and now you feel bad that it’s over. What are you going to do now? Drag out the old dream, roll spliff after spliff trying to chase that old state of mind, that old life? Or will you go out and find something else, something newer, more vivid, more alive?

Ultimately, it’s up to you.

 

[TMNPothead]

Seriously I’d just like to say first that that was a truly amazing story. I can’t even imagine going from someone casually looking up obscure chemicals on the internet to becoming the town kingpin, then losing it all again in less than a year. In a way I’m not sure if I envy you or feel sorry for you.

Stay around this site long enough, and you are sure to hear some truly horrendous stories. You had a rough time but it could have been a lot, lot worse, so take solace in that.

But losing six months of memory is pretty fucked up too. I imagine after such a meteoric rise and equally sudden fall that it’s normal to feel as if life is somehow over, that you’ve ground to a halt. That there’s no future. But in your case I don’t think that’s quite right.
You strike me as a smart guy, certainly an enterprising one. If you managed to make five grand (perhaps more) in such a short time, I see no reason why you couldn’t make 10,000 the next time, doing something else. But of course, before you do that, you need to answer the trickiest question of all – what exactly is it that you want to do?

Here I can’t offer much advice, I don’t know you, you’re hobbies, likes, dislikes, hatreds. In fact, I strongly suspect you feel so bad because you haven’t figured this stuff out yourself either. But don’t worry, it will come, it just takes a little time.

I can tell you something for certain though. Drugs are the number one thing that will stop you from finding out. Doing drugs is fucking fun, but ultimately unfulfilling because it leads nowhere. In your situation, you know this better than anyone. You had an adventure and now you feel bad that it’s over. What are you going to do now? Drag out the old dream, roll spliff after spliff trying to chase that old state of mind, that old life? Or will you go out and find something else, something newer, more vivid, more alive?

Ultimately, it’s up to you.

Thanks for the response. It's been quite a journey I must say. I feel like there is some reason my life was saved and that I'm just wasting my days doing nothing. I've had to quit 2 jobs in the past few months just from my anxiety being so intense. Hours before I'd go into work I'd just sit around and think about having to go into work and how terrible it was going to be. I'm thinking this had a lot to do with how slow my last 2 jobs have been, I hate just sitting around when I'm at work and time just drags ass. I need to get a job though because my funds are quickly running thin after doctors bills. I did finally get myself to sign up for some college classes for the spring, will be 6 years since I've been in school so hopefully i can push through this social anxiety and work towards a better future. Another thing I forgot to mention in my original post is I recently just found out a girl I was with during my blackout got pregnant by me and had an abortion. Was a pretty shitty thing to find out

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

Sorry don't have much time to talk right now, I'm actually off to work myself. But I've always thought the number one drug to make you socially withdrawn/paranoid is weed. I smoked that shit for long, long time (still do TBH, but less) and at the height of it I would be nervous just going to the fucking shop. But if you can quit, which is hard. And you can stay the way, which is really hard, then eventually your mind starts to clear. How about spending the last of your money on going someplace, somewhere you can't find anything to smoke? That's how I got over it.

 

[TMNPothead]

Sorry don't have much time to talk right now, I'm actually off to work myself. But I've always thought the number one drug to make you socially withdrawn/paranoid is weed. I smoked that shit for long, long time (still do TBH, but less) and at the height of it I would be nervous just going to the fucking shop. But if you can quit, which is hard. And you can stay the way, which is really hard, then eventually your mind starts to clear. How about spending the last of your money on going someplace, somewhere you can't find anything to smoke? That's how I got over it.

I agree, weed is definitely not a social drug for me anymore. Anytime i smoke anymore i just get mad at myself for getting high and spending what little money i have on something that's holding me back from getting out more and finding a decent job. I get such awful insomnia if I don't smoke though

 

[Thick_as_a_Planck]

Yeah, I know that feeling. It's one-thirty here now and I don't expect to be asleep for hours yet. But you know what I finally figured out? I'll be tired in the morning, and that's about the worst of it. No-one ever died of amnesia. Now some people, they're born with a fucking leg missing, or brain damage, or some horrible shit like that. Maybe we're the lucky ones.

I have thousands of rationalisations for why I should smoke. One of the biggest is that it helps me sleep. In a way that's true - there's no doubt whatsoever that after a day of smoking you're gonna be lolling off to sleep. But I also know that the way I am, the way you probably are, I have this ridiculous idea of falling asleep just after smoking, and it never quite happens that way. If I'm on to a serious session, it normally goes like this: About eight O'clock, I'll be stoned, normally after a whole day of being stoned. But my mindset is always something along the lines of 'you've got hours yet, so download a movie, buy some food, have a wank and smoke a few more joints. This I do, and it sees me through to twelve O'clock. I smoke again. Watch some more shit, check facebook more times than I'd ever realistically recieve any message, then smoke again. Somewhere among all this it gets to three O'clock and I realise I should go to bed. Then I ask myself 'what's the best way to go to bed that I know of' The answer comes back, of course - smoke a joint. So I do so, watching smoke curl into the cold still air and feel the occasional twinge of paranoia when there is some sound outside. Then I dive under the covers. Then I lie there for about half an hour, stoned as fuck, and finally convince myself that in fact I am wasting quality 'being stoned' time just lying in bed. so I open my computer again and waste some more time. Finally, when I don't know what time it is, when I've given up on falling asleep and no longer give a fuck, I fall asleep.

Here's a secret. I didn't finally make it to sleep because I was stoned. I made it to sleep because I was no longer worried about falling asleep. You'll get that way one way or the other with or without smoking - you'll just feel more alert when you wake up if you do it without.

To sum up - being stoned doesn't help you to sleep, it just makes you care less about not being able to. In fact it makes you care less about pretty much everything - except, so I've found, the important stuff. Like making new friends or girlfriends, like going new places, like starting new hobbies. Getting new jobs. Face it, which is more important?

I've got some bad news for you man - you're an insomniac. You're destined to a whole life of lying awake for hours and hours, staring at the ceiling and wondering what the fuck is going on, when you will finally sleep.

But here's some good news to make up for it. The morning will arrive, you'll drink some coffee and for a few, wondrous, daylit hours, you'll forget all about it, and get on with living. You'll go out there and make something of yourself.

Or maybe you won't, you'll forget about it right now, and get on with smoking. As I said before, your choice.

 

[TMNPothead]

wow cannot believe i made this post 2 years. for anyone that cares ive been drug free for 3 months now except for .5mg of etizolam that i stopped a lil over a week ago and am about to start my 2nd job! peace and bl

 

[ad lib]

wow cannot believe i made this post 2 years. for anyone that cares ive been drug free for 3 months now except for .5mg of etizolam that i stopped a lil over a week ago and am about to start my 2nd job! peace and bl

I'm so happy to hear you're doing so well!!