Am I waddicted to Misery and depression?

[chrisalt]

Hey, I started taking clonazepam mostly at aroud 2-3mg per day. I started taking them after a bad break up. Its funny because i actually dumped her. Still hurts tho i guess. Anyway i was just wondering if anyone thinks i maybe am just addicted to feeling like shit, miserable and depressed. Its seems all the choices i make revolve on making me feel this way and most of the time i know it will turn out like that.

Im dependant in benzos for the 3rd time at 2.5 mgs to main tain. stared sept 26 2012 so about 1.5 months.
The last 2 time is was 1 and 2 years on them.

FML. it was awful to get off these fuckers way did i do it again wtf is wrong with me?

Also i do this kinda shit with everything in my life. I never fucking learn. I do the same dumb destructive shit over and over and over again. AND THATS AFTER FIXING IT. i dont know wtf is wrong with me or how to fix it.....

P.s ive seen a shrink for 7.5 years and it has not done much.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

You wrote how you had a bad break up and ended a relationship you're not going to feel good about that.

I don't think you're addicted to feeling like shit or depressed. It takes time to get over or process breaking up with someone.

I've never used any benzodiazapines recreationally but I have friends who did or who were addicted to them. Talk to your doctor that prescribed them and tell him or her you want to quit them. Or even go into a treatment/rehab place since it can be dangerous to stop benzos and they're not something you can just stop cold turkey.

It's OK to make mistakes since that's how we learn. Sometimes you need to make the same mistake a few times or several times before you learn. I'm not sure what your mistakes are but just the fact that you're admitting "Yeah I fucked up I made a mistake" is not a bad thing since you are learning from it.

 

[herbavore]

I think it's complicated. While I don't think that you are purposely trying to feel miserable, maybe it is familiar and therefore comforting as weird as that sounds. It is a huge step to start trying to take responsibility for your own feelings--it's not something your culture even wants you to do. Misery=consumption. It is really empowering once you start to get proactive with your inner self. If you have been seeing the same person (shrink) for 7.5 years with little progress then maybe you could start seeing someone else?

Instead of using the negative self talk that says "I never learn" what about changing it to "I need to test things for a long time before I can admit they aren't working." Accept that as a failure you can learn from and it does not become a failure that defines you--really it can't be failure at all if it moves you forward. Failure is such a loaded word but when you can see it as a tool, a necessary tool, it is less burdensome.

P.S. I love the typo "waddicted". I think we should coin it as a new word meaning addicted to the waaaaaaa in life.

 

[chrisalt]

You wrote how you had a bad break up and ended a relationship you're not going to feel good about that.

I don't think you're addicted to feeling like shit or depressed. It takes time to get over or process breaking up with someone.

I've never used any benzodiazapines recreationally but I have friends who did or who were addicted to them. Talk to your doctor that prescribed them and tell him or her you want to quit them. Or even go into a treatment/rehab place since it can be dangerous to stop benzos and they're not something you can just stop cold turkey.

It's OK to make mistakes since that's how we learn. Sometimes you need to make the same mistake a few times or several times before you learn. I'm not sure what your mistakes are but just the fact that you're admitting "Yeah I fucked up I made a mistake" is not a bad thing since you are learning from it.

Yeah its fucked ill go through like a week of feeling shitty but ok and feel like i can survive. Then a week off feeling like i just need to commit suicide and get this over with. I dunno I have never been told i had bipolar though.

When i was 17 the doc said i have boardline personality disorder, but i shrugged it off and and few years later when i was more mature (22) i brought it up to the same Doc and he shrugged it off saying there was no way i had that. Truth be told. I think i do. And if someone could see in me they would say so to.

im fucked

 

[chrisalt]

I think it's complicated. While I don't think that you are purposely trying to feel miserable, maybe it is familiar and therefore comforting as weird as that sounds. It is a huge step to start trying to take responsibility for your own feelings--it's not something your culture even wants you to do. Misery=consumption. It is really empowering once you start to get proactive with your inner self. If you have been seeing the same person (shrink) for 7.5 years with little progress then maybe you could start seeing someone else?

Instead of using the negative self talk that says "I never learn" what about changing it to "I need to test things for a long time before I can admit they aren't working." Accept that as a failure you can learn from and it does not become a failure that defines you--really it can't be failure at all if it moves you forward. Failure is such a loaded word but when you can see it as a tool, a necessary tool, it is less burdensome.

P.S. I love the typo "waddicted". I think we should coin it as a new word meaning addicted to the waaaaaaa in life.

yeah loled when i saw waddicted

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Yeah its fucked ill go through like a week of feeling shitty but ok and feel like i can survive. Then a week off feeling like i just need to commit suicide and get this over with. I dunno I have never been told i had bipolar though.

When i was 17 the doc said i have boardline personality disorder, but i shrugged it off and and few years later when i was more mature (22) i brought it up to the same Doc and he shrugged it off saying there was no way i had that. Truth be told. I think i do. And if someone could see in me they would say so to.

im fucked

You can and will survive.

Things will improve for you and a month from now or some time later from right now you'll look back and wonder WTF you were thinking and why you were like this right now. I know it sucks right now for you, but things will improve for you just give it time.

Doctors, psychologists, and even psychiatrists can be wrong about things or their diagnosis of a person or client they are seeing. You know yourself better than they do.

If you want to see a psychologist or psychiatrist find a good one and be honest.

 

[T. Calderone]

I don't know if this doctor is correctly diagnosing you. At first, he said he thought you had BPD and then a few years later said you didn't have it. If I were you, I would find a different psychiatrist. Is he giving you other meds besides klonopin? I'm certainly no expert but had a great psych doctor but since I lost my job and insurance I can't see him anymore. Take advantage of any resources available to you. I know benzos made me even more depressed and I over-did it when I went through a bad breakup. All's it did was delay the grieving process. I know what you're going through. It's hard.

 

[RobotRipping]

just kind of skimmed the thread but i experience many of the same issues and wonder if i too am more happy when i'm miserable, depressed, feeling dark. It makes me feel strong and powerful in some weird way, it makes me feel alive but it's all so fucked up. I don't aim to be happy, sometimes i get a fucked up feeling where i am feeling good but not happy, just dont' care about anything, that is my ideal state of mind.

Benzos kind of mess with your moods as well, when i am off them i feel more stable but also quite a bit more crazy. I've messed up my life with benzos in more ways than i can count and i still do them, recklessly, even seeing the damage happen, repeating the same old pattern. Maybe i like being crazy in benzo withdrawal. After a certain point you realize that it's no longer rational, maybe just self destructive.

 

[bennyZA]

Yes, it is a self fulfilling prophecy. If you tell yourself you are always going to be depressed, you will be. I know this may seem like ridiculous advice that wont help but at least TRY not to be depressed: get up earlier, make sure to take care of yourself hygiene-wise (you'd be surprised how much it helps to take a shower every day, brush your teeth every day, clean your house/room often, and make sure your clothes are always freshly washed), get out of the house every day (even if you have nothing to do, just walk for a while, get the natural endorphins to do their thing). Even these small things helped me a lot. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I can tell that I'm getting better. Once you do this stuff, you might still be depressed, but eventually you realize you are trying to not be depressed. The self fulfilling depression will be much easier to handle once you start to try to get rid of it.