Am I the only one? I can't be.

[luckygirl79]

So I'm dealing with some family drama and bullshitty stress surrounding it. I'm moving in 10 days blah blah blah. So I feel under pressure. Got some anxiety going on... Whatever. But I feel that stupid monkey knocking on my door. Like whispering to me. Trying to convince me to cop. I actually am going to a BBQ at my best friends house (she doesn't use and nobody else I know does) but she lives by my connection. So I'm leaving my debit card and money home just incase I get tempted. I have no urge to use. But I can't trust myself either. It's like a force outside of ME that is trying to get me to. Am I bat shit nuts? Do I have schizophrenia?! Seriously, I was clean for a decade before and never battled this specific dissociative type urge/force whatever you want to call it. What's that all about? Can anyone relate? I don't like it at all. When will it stop?

 

[pro re nata]

i do not think this nuts at all what i think is nuts is that you being clean for ten years and never experiencing the monkey creeping up. that is wild. really good to hear it has not been an issue and that you are identifying with it right now. being realistic with yourself, looking at the temptation ratio and making moves to skate around it and continue forward. really nice!

peddling through even what can be thought as of seen stressors there could be a underlying connection setting off some impulse's from areas you are not expecting. not uncommon at all.. . i for sure have these moments pop up when i am least anticipating it with no obvious understanding of what is setting it off. once i accept it and work through it i can usually make a relation of where it came from. learning more about these little moments, understanding and controlling my addiction more as a whole. i also think triggers that we see having a handle on can spin back around especially during times when so much shit is going down, simply loosing inventory with "thought" common grounds.

that force is addiction.. . a straight mother fucker. you know it are beating it down with a stick by leaving your dollars at home! i think that monkey can always be lurking around some shady corner but the more time that passes with out greeting him the further down the block he will become. it is being aware that it does exist and accepting that it is a reality that can suddenly occur.

you know you are doing great if you can catch these moments identify them and take the measures in protecting yourself and your recovery, continuing forward. nice looking out lucky.. hope you enjoy the bbq.. .

 

[luckygirl79]

It is a straight motherfucker.

To be forth coming, when I had 10 years clean, part of the time I was on a methadone maintance program and after I kicked that, I was incarcerated for 6 months than had 5 years of probation to do. (All shit stemming from my past heroin use. I ran for 5 years before bring caught. Believe it or not that 5 years I was clean Off the H. As luck would have it, I walk off my Methodone program cold turkey and get caught 4 weeks later, just as I feel Human again) so I do my time, get my probation. I get married have 3 kids in 3 years and never look back. I had cravings but I was scared shitless of going back to jail. I could never take that chance with my kids depending on me. I never gave any craving much energy be wise using was so not an option.

Then, I relapsed like a year ago.... Pills this time. Im a respectable stay at home mom now. I drive a nice car. I live in middle class utopia. Nobody would ever think I would do that. I made excuses. Like we all do. I dug a deep hole. I climbed in. Right back to square 1.

Then I got the balls and faith to get clean in June. I had 1 slip up since then.

But this time is harder. I have no PO and no piss tests. I only have to answer to me. But that feels so good to know I can do it That I do have the ability without a baby sitter hovering over me with threats of state prison. So I guess it makes sense that I never had these feelings.

I just was surprised by this inner dialogue that I felt I was not controlling. Addiction is such a bitch. It was way easier when I was on probation. Scared straight. Now it's just me and this little bitch monkey demon.

Well, not today asshole. Not today. I made it home from the BBQ and I didn't cop anything. Didnt even want to. I love my life and myself with our opiates.

Score 1 for the good guys.

Thank you for your reply.

 

[thedawn]

no,you're not alone,we're a fucking tribe of people like this.
after being only weed for 3 years I relapsed first on crack last wednesday,a short binge,nobody knows.
I have a kid and would lose her if they found out.
I also have a house now and a sweet life.
then I relapsed on klonopin last night.
somethings happening ,my darkness will swallow me.

 

[neversickanymore]

Congratulations lucky:D.. one of the best ways I have found to combat the fantasizing and addictive cycle is to develop a real honest picture of what active drug addiction feels like.. it awful so its not really something I would ever want.. the only thing I am missing out on is hell.

thedawn.. why are you in such close proximity to these drugs all of the sudden

 

[thedawn]

I was going manic.
I dont know what happened.
I have removed myself so far from the hood the taxi was 40 dollars.
the crack happened like I was suddenly possessed.
I have a nice life now with a kid,a house and cats(I had to lock out to do rock).
I have everything to lose.
it was a short binge,then I freaked.
the pins were given to me by a family member to take over a few days to deal with extreme anxiety.
I took them all at once.
I'm fucking sick.
I'm street scum disguised as suburban trash.

well,the impulse came from nada and it possessed me and i went bye,bye.

 

[LilbabiC]

I've been clean almost 7 years. Last month I had the un-pleasant experience of meeting up with one of my former dealers. He's now one of my clients (legitimate). Anyway, he threw a brick of H at me and walked out of my office. I stared at it for a moment and that little green devil started talking all kinds of shit. She was rationalizing why I should use. But, luckily the angel's on my desk (pictures of my children) put a quick stop to all the devils lies and empty promises. That was the first time I ever felt an urge in all this time. I quickly called that jerk up and told him he had five minutes to come get his crap or it was going in the toilet and he'd have to find someone else to handle his legitimate business.

 

[mrflowers00]

it's normal in recovery to think about using it comes up less and less the more time you have sober

 

[caseface99]

You aren't nuts, you're an ADDICT!
You're under stress and the natural response is to get fucked up. That's totally normal for people like us. You'll get through it!

"This too shall pass"


Stay strong, keep reaching out for help and do whatever it takes not to pick up!

 

[Shadowsblaze]

When we read of each others experiences and trials we can put ourselves in their place and sometimes the answers are so apparent. But addicts struggle with anxiety and fear that eats away at their sanity. But use that fear of jail it's a good fear. And those 3 little ones should amplify it. Stay scared straight. Ditto on mrflowers00.

 

[bingey]

I've been clean almost 7 years. Last month I had the un-pleasant experience of meeting up with one of my former dealers. He's now one of my clients (legitimate). Anyway, he threw a brick of H at me and walked out of my office. I stared at it for a moment and that little green devil started talking all kinds of shit. She was rationalizing why I should use. But, luckily the angel's on my desk (pictures of my children) put a quick stop to all the devils lies and empty promises. That was the first time I ever felt an urge in all this time. I quickly called that jerk up and told him he had five minutes to come get his crap or it was going in the toilet and he'd have to find someone else to handle his legitimate business.

Badass!