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Am I maintaining an addiction or recreational use?

G

Geaux Tigers!

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 15, 2010
Messages
393
The Dark Side,

Do you believe it is best to not abuse any recreational drugs? I have been very sober lately. I have just now relapsed since not doing anything since August 4th, and now I am back into my hobby. My hobby is more than just a hobby, however. I am a psychiatric nurse who is allowed to write prescriptions in my state and I see patients, many of whom have drug problems. I also write what I consider to be "intelligent" posts on the website about pharmacology.Due to my knowledge and lifestyle, I feel superior to my patients who I believe may be in the same boat as me.

I have an absolute, everyday interest in wanting to get high. I used to achieve this everyday; however, I have only been abusing my prescribed medicines. When do I belong on The Dark Side? Every single day, I prefer to be high although I can generally control myself and now only use two times a week, if that. I have so much to lose but yet I keep pursuing opiates which I am no prescribed in addition to cannabis which is illegal.

Do I have a problem? Or am I a recreational user?

I wish I could go through life without ever desiring another opiate or even my prescribed medicines.

If I abuse opiates twice a month and smoke marijuana -- all detrimental to my professional career -- I have a problem, right? I know I do.

How do I stay focused on what's best for my family?
 
Here's the thing. You're using twice a month, but probably thinking about using on a daily basis. On those 28 or 29 days you aren't using, you're stressing your system with the discipline you have to hold in order to keep to your 2x per month rule. So no, you're not physically addicted, but you're being psychologically burdened by drugs as if you were using daily. And the other difficult truth is that not everyone who does use "recreationally" does this. Some people can drink on weekends and not think about it during the week. Some people are opportunistic weed smokers. Some, albeit fewer (but I have met them, they exist) can use opiates once or twice a month and leave it to those days. I think you know the answer already, though, that at least with the drugs you want to use, you cannot keep them out of your head on the days when you don't use them. It's certainly possible to go from a recreational user of a particular drug to an addict of that same drug, but it cannot really go in the backwards direction. So it is a problem for you - call it whatever you want.

Regarding the intelligent posts and looking down on your patients, you gotta understand that "addiction does not discriminate." Certainly not physically, and not in the mind either. Person A could say "I want an opiate," whereas Person B could spend five minutes describing his craving in elaborate and creative use of the English language, but at the end of the day both of them really want that drug and are going nuts in their own heads thinking about it. And in fact, a lot of people who learn a lot about drugs probably make it even worse for themselves because the number of strategies to not get addicted becomes huge, but the all come with their own discipline and will-power that we as mortals usually cannot handle over time.

The truth is that it's going to be tough for you, given the nature of your job. It will always be around you, and as long as you have that ready access, you'll have the temptation there. Are you sure that you want to take this risk on with a career in this field?
 
Here's the thing. You're using twice a month, but probably thinking about using on a daily basis. On those 28 or 29 days you aren't using, you're stressing your system with the discipline you have to hold in order to keep to your 2x per month rule. So no, you're not physically addicted, but you're being psychologically burdened by drugs as if you were using daily. And the other difficult truth is that not everyone who does use "recreationally" does this. Some people can drink on weekends and not think about it during the week. Some people are opportunistic weed smokers. Some, albeit fewer (but I have met them, they exist) can use opiates once or twice a month and leave it to those days. I think you know the answer already, though, that at least with the drugs you want to use, you cannot keep them out of your head on the days when you don't use them. It's certainly possible to go from a recreational user of a particular drug to an addict of that same drug, but it cannot really go in the backwards direction. So it is a problem for you - call it whatever you want.
Click to expand...

I guess I definitely have a problem and I hate it. Addiction does not discriminate and you're right. I have so much going for me but basically all the time "damn I wish I had an Opana" is going on in my head. And it bothers me on a day-to-day basis. I stay extra busy doing things because once I get myself -- away from my job, my family, and friends -- I just want to read Bluelight (only partake when I'm doing drugs, too many triggers) I have so much to contribute to Bluelight and I think I can even moderate Basic Drug Discussion but I can't stand the triggers.

I feel like I know the book about addiction, and I know I have it but I don't want to admit it to myself. I've been getting it's "all in your head" mentality.

At the end of the day, the temptation -- with all I have to risk -- wins out every so often.

How do I convince myself that I can study drugs as a hobby but not want to delve into it? I can not be on Bluelight and not desire to take drugs and I have a lot to say that could be HR.
 
Ive never met one person who "wondered if they had a problem with drugs" that didn't end up having a problem with drugs.

Sounds like you are in a very risky situation for your career and future
 
Try a couple of things like the following;

>go to a couple of Narcotics Anonymous meetings. (go to at least 2, theyre all different, with different dynamics. dont want to form the wrong oppinion about something you might need some time later, or not) Grab all the brochures and have a read.

There's a pamphlet titled "am I an addict?" and has about 20 yes or no questions, and you should know pretty quickly which side of the fence you are on, or if your sitting on it, which side your leaning to.

*** i havent gone to NA meetings in years, so im not spouting there benefits here. just thought it would answer your question straight up***

I like what that person said about using 2 days in 28, but spending the other 26 with your mind focused on trying to not use anyway.
 
Its perfectly natural for humans to want to alter their reality... I almost feel its necessary. There is no doubt that your profession puts you in a compromising situation, as the drugs are readily available at all times.. so there is great temptation.. that being said, in all honesty, if you are only using twice a month you are not a drug addict. you are still using recreationally IMO.. you just have a good chance of moving beyond that to full blown addiciton if you are not careful..
 
Hey tiger, welcom to tds!

You know what? I'm a 6th year medical student, I worked in addiction treatment for years besides studying, am very interested in Psychiatry and especially into everything related to addiction. I guess I know more about it than most psychiatrists or therapists I worked with, but still managed to get a habit to weed and prescription drugs. RL is right, addiction doesn't discriminate, and especially we professionals are in great danger of being to arrogant to recognize we have a problem.

When it got bad, I even got high while I worked, imagine I told the patients that "drugs are bad, dude", at times I even confiscated drugs they had on them and took them myself. I always thought like I had control over it even when I used multiple times per week because I "knew it all", I changed drugs when I used daily for longer periods, like a few days with rohypnol, then some oxy, then smoking weed for a few days and drinking on the weekends in order to avoid addiction, but at some point I completely lost control and all the urges to use that I held back in order to get along and function properly came out at once.

This always reminds me of a bible story, the one where Jesus tells Peter that he will deny him three times within this very night. Peter says "I would never do this, I know you, I am strong, I'll always be at your side." But it exactly happens as Jesus said, and when Peter recognizes it he cries bitterly. That's my story somehow.

If you like you can pm me!
 
This is a bit off-topic but pertains to what you've said. I hope I don't further trigger you by asking...

Did your desire for opiates come before or after trying Opana? I ask because I used oxycodone in all forms for years and within a month of abusing my Opana I became opiate dependent. I feel like that drug just really messed with my mind once abused. I'm just wondering if that was the turning point for you, between recreational use to consuming thoughts of opiates.

I don't know how you are able to limit it to only twice a month given your exposure to triggers in your career and BL hobby. I do admire that. I eventually took myself off Opana but to this day when I read about it I start to sweat. Even just reading your phrase "damn I wish I had an Opana"... But anyway, while I admire the fact that you are disciplined with your use, you are on a slippery slope friend. You seem to be poking your head out of the denial phase but you need to really reflect on what you want your life to look like and make a new plan for yourself. This place is amazing for support but there are triggers around every corner so while you are sensitive to that I would advise you stay away while sober until you are more aware of your condition, stronger, and making steps.<3
 
If you're permanently thinking about using, it sounds like addiction to me, even if for the moment it may only be psychological. I think you definitely need to take a long break from drugs of any sort before it gets worse and you find that you can't. Of course given your line of work, I can imagine this might be hard since you're exposed to them so much. Maybe try to focus on something specific whenever you get a craving. If you're at home, find a hobby that really immerses you, if at work a good thought or something. Try to focus on the fact that a drug habit would inevitably come back to hurt your family, which of course I'm sure you want to avoid.
Good luck :)
 
I read everyone's responses. They mean a lot to me.

I say this because I used to use everyday and now I don't. I just think that I'm still an addict and always will be. I hate it.

The thought of never being able to get high again scares me.

Samsonite, I had the issue before Opana; however, it was the most fire stuff I have ever had in my life and an Opana day is similar to a day in DisneyLand.
 
I just can't stop thinking about opiates and what prescription drugs I can get.

Do you think it is bad that I am prescribed all of this? Is it still abuse? I manage to not get an outrageous tolerance, I'm an expert about stopping, quitting, and doses I know the answer...

#90 amphetamine salts 15mg.
#90 clonazepam 1mg.
#30 alprazolam 1mg.
#90 pregabalin 150mg.
#30 aripiprazole [Abilify] 10mg.
#30 lamotrigine 250mg.
#30 modafinil [Provigil] 200mg.
#30 venlafaxine [Effexor] 300mg.
#30 mirtazapine 30mg.
 
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