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am i in the wrong and being selfish?

memphis10

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 1, 2008
Messages
529
Location
memphis, tn
i have gone through some women in the past few months.

got out of a long year and a half terrible relationship, moved cities, etc, GOT CLEAN :)

anyways, first chick i was with here, it didnt work out, didnt end well

since then i have been very uneasy about being in a relationship because i guess im jaded somewhat

the first girl i started seeing after the last one quit seeing me after just a couple of weeks because she wanted a relationship and i just flat out told her no several times. whatever. didnt really like her anyways

for the past 6-8 weeks or so ive been talking to this really cool girl. she lives about 35 mins away in a small country town, lives with her gf. we are a lot a like and have so much fun together (great sex, both love the ganja and drinkin, seriously when we get together once a week or whenever its ON)

shes starting to get impatient because nothing is official. we dont have any promises to each other besides not sleeping w/ other people (which i fucked up very early into...and regret...but ive been good since). we text each other during the day, i come and stay with her when i can (busy at work)

the thing is, she has no job. no car. no money really. lives with her gf basically sleeps on her couch. she was in a relationship for 3 years and just got out of it a few months ago (kinda like me) and hasn't really got back on her feet yet (she never asks me for $$ or anything so its not like that)

she tells me how she feels about me and wishes we could be together more and blah blah blah. i like this chick but i just feel like shes not on my level. i work, pay all of my bills, i take care of business. she doesnt. i do okay but i cant take care of herself AND me.

i like her alot. but i think its getting to the point where it looks like im just using her to get laid. if i dont have any aspirations to marry her or take her away and shack her up with me then if a relationship is what she wants she needs to be looking elsewhere. shes basically now just a girl i text during the day and see 1-2x a week, party with, fuck, whatever. we never have any deep convos or anything like that.

basically my question is: should i just stop seeing her so she doesn't get hurt. if she doesnt step her game up and start trying to move her life forward i just cant respect that and be with her. i honestly like her a lot, we have a lot in common, shes super fine, shes sweet, she really likes me, i dont think id have to worry about her being faithful or whatever. see, if i didnt have feelings for her i wouldnt give a shit about all of this id just keep fucking her....but i like her and dont wanna let go at the same time.

any advice BL. i've never been in a situation w/ a female like this. maybe there is something i could say to make her feel better. i dont want her to get hurt or feel used, because thats not my intentions - we just are on 2 diff life paths at the moment...our goals may be the same, but shes stagnant i am moving forward. it seems petty that no job no car is the major red flag for me, and i have been there myself and i know that it doesnt DEFINE someone lol, but like i said ive been there and i know how to make the situation better because i DID IT. on MY OWN.
 
So let me see if I've got this right: It sounds to me like she's not the type of girl you can fuck around with, sleep with, and then not think about; she means more to you than that, but, at the same time, she's not moving forward in any of her endeavors and appears to have no real life plans. It's not where you're at as you're more independent and more driven, and so that's what's making it difficult.

You'll need to explain all of this to her much in the same way that you've explained it here; make it clear to her that, in a partner, you're looking for a woman who's more capable of providing for herself, a more motivated woman with greater aspirations. Explain to her that she just does not seem to be that type of woman and so, despite your having feelings for her, a relationship with her can never be possible until something changes. Ask her whether or not she thinks the two of you can "keep fucking" without her getting hurt, at it as it's something that you both enjoy. If the answer's no, then the two of you may have to go your separate ways, you in your car, and her... on her phone calling friends to ask for a ride. lol
 
i already know whats goin to happen...it wont go over well

thats kinda like me callin her a loser or somethin

oh well. when i get in these conundrums i just do what i also do...ride it till the wheels fall off...go from there
 
If you're trying to do the "right" thing, you'll break it off. If you're letting her believe there could be more between you when you know there can't be, you're just leading her on.

It's not as easy to do that as people think though. It takes a pretty big person to cut someone off that you have fun with when you know you could simply do nothing and drag it out a lot longer.
 
Just reading your post, I get the feeling you're not looking for a relationship anyway. Even if she ticked all the boxes would you willing to dive into another long term thing...?
Regardless, it's not likely she's suddenly going to get on her feet and change all these things, so probably the best thing would be to tell her you're only looking for something casual sooner rather than later.
 
You should tell her exactly how you feel. It's not wrong for people to have boundries and expectations. If you want to be with someone who is driven and motivated then that's your choice, you don't have to be with a "free spirit" if that lifestyle doesn't appeal to you. Personality chemistry and long term goals and aspirations are important in a relationship, one or both of you are going to get frustrated if you aren't even close to being on the same page.

How can you be sure that she hasn't been looking hard for a job or a way of supporting herself? Has her choice of lifestyle ever come up in conversation? How does she justify it?
 
If she just got out of a ltr and is basically trying to rebuild her life, regardless of what she wants, she probably doesn't need a relationship right now either. Just talk to her. Sooner rather than later. These kind of conversations are never fun. Good luck.
 
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