Am I crazy? I'd prefer if I was and this wasn't happening.

[BluLait]

I've also posted this in another forum, but decided that TDS was the best section. Enjoy:

I have many demons, but up until now I managed to keep them at bay. They usually come out when I'm high on weed, usually.

Now they've begun to seep in through the veil of reality and it's worrying me that I might lose my mind pretty soon if this goes on at the current rate.

I might have to quit this lifestyle altogether. Dangerous choices, constant stress and a very dubious entourage is to blame. I'm becoming a paranoid wreck.

As of late, these weed-like paranoid delusions have been bothering my sober life.
For example: I'm constantly suspecting people of putting shit in my drinks, for whatever reason. I just come up with a reason. Like, they have some new drugs that they want to test on me. Or they wanna get me fucked up so they can steal my drugs. Or they have put some sort of truth serum in my drink, and are working with the police, trying to find out my innermost secrets so they can put me down. I cannot trust anyone. I have to be more careful. I will closely watch their every move and if I see anyone putting anything in my drink, I will beat the living shit out of everyone who is with me. The sort of beating that you will scar the rest of your life, if you survive it. I cannot let them fuck with my head anymore.
More and more my life is beginning to look like the life of a paranoid schizophrenic, someone who suspects their closest friends of treason and ratting them out.

I can't live like this for long, something I'll have to do.

Lately, I've been getting brain slips. Like I will forget to take the keys from my apartment from my car. I get to my door, and find out I forgot to take my keys, then I have to go back to my car and get my keys.
Or I keep forgetting shit and then having to go back and get them.
This has been going on for a week or so.

I don't know if it's the constant stress and preocupation with hazardous situations, or the shit that people are putting in my drinks. I suspect everyone of conspiracy. Almost everyone I know is putting stuff in my drinks when I least expect it, to make me dumber, and to forget these sort of things.
The reason for this? I cannot find one.
And yes, I actually believe what I am saying. Sometimes. Only sometimes. Other times I try and justify that they are just some paranoid delusions, but I don't know what to believe anymore. Am I crazy?

I have not smoked any weed in three days.

But these friends of mine... They're not actually my closest friends. Although some of the people who I've known for a long time are the ones who are part of the conspiracy. But I've never really trusted these people. I have a few that I trust and feel 100% comfortable with, but most of them I don't know if they have hidden agendas or not or what their interests in hanging out with me are.

I change "friends", a lot. It's part of the lifestyle I'm leading. Being paranoid has helped me survive, financially and maybe physically up until now. But it's taking a toll on my mind. I cannot differentiate whether my intuition is right or wrong.

Today. I bought a 2L big bottle of beer with 2 people I've known for a short while. They are friends of brother of a good friend of mine. They are not the type of people I would suspect putting shit in my drinks. But... We all drank from the bottle of beer, and then we all went home, the beer was getting bad to the taste, so I went and threw it away, everyone knew I would, we all said we should have. But the moment I threw it in the trashcan, one of them acted all distressed and said something along the lines of "oh no we lost all that shit". And then I asked what he was talking about, and he said nevermind. I asked again. He said it doesn't matter. I asked a third time, and he said he was talking about an envelope of mine that was lost in the mail, and then started asking me lots of questions about my envelope, like what you do when you want to keep a subject from being discussed, you quickly change it and act all interested and shit in the new subject... They drank from the same bottle, but I believe they were faking it. Not actually drinking. I do not know.

Why the fuck would these people want to poison me? They told me they have criminal records for possesion. One of the reasons I'm thinking they want to put some sort of truth serum or a drug that will fuck me up in my drink, is to find out my secrets and then rat me out to the cops so that their criminal records get erased. Or they're just simply evil motherfuckers. Either way. I will be very careful around these people in the future.

They said they have a girl friend that they know who I've also met. Today they told me she likes me. I believe she is part of the scheme as well. She will get close and personal, to also try and find my most innermost secrets and then rat me out to the police.

 

[DeathDomokun]

If you stop doing illegal things you won't be worried about everyone trying to put you in jail.
If you're acting like this you should probably stop dealing.

 

[It's a baby!]

I was living a similar life and it drove me completely insane. Stop using all drugs, stop doing illegal things, and your paranoia will die down a lot. When you're selling drugs, ESPECIALLY at the retail level where you have to deal with many customers who aren't necessarily particularly nice people (but they'll pretend to be nice to you), you have to learn to "read" people and be suspicious. In a way it's a good skill to develop. But it sounds like your ability to read people + smoking too much pot is starting to drive you bonkers. Just stop smoking weed, at the very least, and ideally stop selling drugs, there are easier ways to make money.

The fact that you can step back sometimes and say "this is me being paranoid" shows that you have insight into your condition, which is essential for getting better. I'm not saying you have a diagnosable Condition, but you're definitely going through a rough patch in your life. It's easy to fool yourself into thinking marijuana is helping, when it is probably one of the most major factors in your constantly forgetting things, being paranoid, and generally feeling like you're in a "fog".

The messed up thing is if you smoke a LOT of pot, pot does make you feel better. For like 20 minutes maybe. But it's actually messing with your head, you can't even notice it because your tolerance to marijuana is probably ludicrously high, as was mine. Smoking pot all the time causes reversible changes to the cannabinoid system. They're reversible but they're real and I think really heavy pot smokers can experience them pretty severely. So honestly just stop smoking pot (and doing other things for that matter, maybe stick to low amounts of beer as an anxiolytic but be careful with that). You'll feel like shit, your id will throw a temper tantrum, but just ride it out like it's a bad trip.

You ARE kind of crazy right now. The things you are thinking are irrational responses to the extreme stress of being a drug dealer. You have too many secrets to hold on to. You Know Too Much, because you have to Know those things to make it in that world, but you also can Never Speak Of Them, haha. There's lots of cognitive dissonance in your life. There's pressure from your parents to find a job, but there are no jobs (especially for people who can't pass a drug test!) There's pressure from your customers to sell and pressure from your suppliers to buy. You feel you're being used because you ARE being used, think back to when you were 14 or 15 and were going to some kid's house to buy weed. Generally speaking that kid wasn't really a friend; he wasn't someone you'd go out of your way to harm, but he was a drug dealer first and an acquaintance second. You're allowing yourself to be used to make money and I don't think you should do that anymore, some people can live like that for years, decades even, but it's not for everyone.

 

[DeathDomokun]

there are easier ways to make money.

Such as? The drug market is an easy way to make lots of money in a short amount of time. When you risk your freedom, the reward is much greater than some menial desk job.
How is any other job different? You're working for your boss/company who is making more money than you. You're being used to make money, and you're using other people to make money. That's how money works.
And you can't assume there's dissonance, nor can you assume he's not a supplier/grower. I know this is hypocritical because I assumed he's dealing, but I don't actually care which role he plays. The fact is, he isn't cut out for it.

 

[Cyc]

But... We all drank from the bottle of beer, and then we all went home, the beer was getting bad to the taste, so I went and threw it away, everyone knew I would, we all said we should have. But the moment I threw it in the trashcan, one of them acted all distressed and said something along the lines of "oh no we lost all that shit". And then I asked what he was talking about, and he said nevermind. I asked again. He said it doesn't matter. I asked a third time, and he said he was talking about an envelope of mine that was lost in the mail, and then started asking me lots of questions about my envelope, like what you do when you want to keep a subject from being discussed, you quickly change it and act all interested and shit in the new subject... They drank from the same bottle, but I believe they were faking it. Not actually drinking. I do not know.

Your friend acted that way because he initially freaked about you dumping a piss warm 2L of beer, and felt like a fiend for caring, so he changed the subject so he didn't look like a pathetic boozehound who cared about gross beer. That's what I took from this anyways.

Other people have covered the rest.

 

[Metaphormidable]

My advice it to stop taking all drugs and see if you get better. If you don't, please go to the doctor. I don't know how old you are, but adult onset paranoid schizophrenia can hit anywhere from late teens to 20s I think. If its something like this, it won't get better without psych meds. If its drug induced... Well, you know the answer to that.

 

[It's a baby!]

Such as? The drug market is an easy way to make lots of money in a short amount of time. When you risk your freedom, the reward is much greater than some menial desk job.
How is any other job different? You're working for your boss/company who is making more money than you. You're being used to make money, and you're using other people to make money. That's how money works.
And you can't assume there's dissonance, nor can you assume he's not a supplier/grower. I know this is hypocritical because I assumed he's dealing, but I don't actually care which role he plays. The fact is, he isn't cut out for it.

There are ways to make money that won't land you in jail, that's objectively true.

Sorry to OP for acting like I knew more than I did. There are just lots of commonalities among drug dealers I've noticed and I was projecting them, perhaps unfairly, likely unfairly in fact, onto you. I don't know you or anything. I can objectively say that you have a lot of cognitive dissonance in your life because cognitive dissonance is woven into the fabric of this society. We're supposed to Obey The Law, and Be Individuals. We're supposed to Make Money In Any Way Possible, and we're supposed to Not Be Drug Dealers. We're supposed to be Men, and we're supposed to be Sensitive.

I dunno I'm just kind of rambling. Frankly the antipsychotic I'm on makes it very difficult for me to relate to others. I have this IRRITATING tendency to project and get wrapped up in myself. I'm trying to be better about it but yeah, hope I didn't offend.

 

[BluLait]

Your friend acted that way because he initially freaked about you dumping a piss warm 2L of beer, and felt like a fiend for caring, so he changed the subject so he didn't look like a pathetic boozehound who cared about gross beer. That's what I took from this anyways.

Other people have covered the rest.

The point here was, we all said how bad and warm it was, and they both said they wouldn't drink from it anymore. I said ok, I'll just throw it at that garbage bin right there, so all 3 of us went to the garbage bin and that's when it happened. Come to think of it, if there was anything in the beer, he wouldn't have said something like that, cause that would have probably been a stupid giveway... then again, he's probably stupid.
They probably wanted me to take it home and drink all of it myself. But then that wouldn't be right, since if there was a truth serum or some drug that would fuck me up so much I wouldn't know what I was saying, they wouldn't be around me to ask the questions. And I would obviously know there was something wrong and whoop the shit out of them the next day. The only possible explanation is that they are putting small amounts of some sort of neurotoxin, designed to make me stupid and slip up somewhere. They are probably envious. I don't know.

And please don't assume I am dealing, I never said I was.

I don't know how old you are, but adult onset paranoid schizophrenia can hit anywhere from late teens to 20s I think. If its something like this, it won't get better without psych meds. If its drug induced... Well, you know the answer to that.

I will never take antypsychotics or shit like that, I don't think I have a condition. It's just the stress combined with the weed. I hope.
Just this one 10mg medazepam capsule I took last night to help me sleep is making me feel a bit emotionally dead, as do all benzos. I can't imagine what seroquel would do.
Those things fuck you up more than they help you. Nowadays, doctors diagnose everyone with a mental illness just so they can prescribe their drugs... God damn drug dealers

I have already decided to quit the weed. I haven't smoked for 3 days, and before that, I had a week of abstinence. And I am serious in maintaining my decision. At least until the heat cools down.

I just needed a second opinion on how delusional my fantasies were... I was semi-starting to believe some of them.
And I can't share this with anyone else I know because they'll think I'm fucking crazy. So my only option was to post it here.
This is my counselling

 

[It's a baby!]

And I can't share this with anyone else I know because they'll think I'm fucking crazy. So my only option was to post it here.

Ha! I know exactly what you mean. There's this poem by Bukowski you might like:


they say that hell is crowded, yet,
when you’re in hell,
you always seem to be alone.
& you can’t tell anyone when you’re in hell
or they’ll think you’re crazy
& being crazy is being in hell
& being sane is hellish too.

those who escape hell, however,
never talk about it
& nothing much bothers them after that.
I mean, things like missing a meal,
going to jail, wrecking your car,
or even the idea of death itself.

when you ask them,
“how are things?”
they’ll always answer, “fine, just fine…”

once you’ve been to hell and back,
that’s enough
it’s the greatest satisfaction known to man.

once you’ve been to hell and back,
you don’t look behind you when the floor creaks
and the sun is always up at midnight
and things like the eyes of mice
or an abandoned tire in a vancant lot
can make you smile
once you’ve been to hell and back.

 

[BluLait]

Whoa, that guy must have had some serious issues... that Bukowski guy.
I'm glad he sorted them out though.

 

[DeathDomokun]

He was an alcoholic until the day he died
I know you didn't say you were dealing, but you're obviously making money illegally to be worried about law enforcement, and since you said you were worried they'd take your drugs I just assumed it had something to do with drugs.
Take the stress away, whatever's causing it.
And you're okay baby, I was being a dick. I've been feeling worse than usual lately and I try not to post on TDS if I'm going to be a cunt so I'm sorry. TDS deserves compassion and support, not attacks.

 

[It's a baby!]

He was an alcoholic until the day he died
I know you didn't say you were dealing, but you're obviously making money illegally to be worried about law enforcement, and since you said you were worried they'd take your drugs I just assumed it had something to do with drugs.
Take the stress away, whatever's causing it.
And you're okay baby, I was being a dick. I've been feeling worse than usual lately and I try not to post on TDS if I'm going to be a cunt so I'm sorry. TDS deserves compassion and support, not attacks.

No worries man I never take message boards personally :D

 

[BluLait]

Oh, I thought you called me "baby".. That sort of felt good

Can somebody call me baby?

 

[It's a baby!]

Oh, I thought you called me "baby".. That sort of felt good

Can somebody call me baby?

Get some rest baby, haha

 

[Groundhog]

BluLait,
Hi mate, I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you.
I believe and understand EXACTLY how you are feeling and thinking.

Funnily enough, actually there's nothing funny about it, I've had the same sort of shit going on that you describe due to my continuous stimulant abuse, paranoid delusions, conspiracy, hallucinating audibly and visibly, the audible is the worst it has driven me fucking crazy, all I hear is conversations usually about me or other sounds and it has pissed me off so much trying to work out if someone is standing outside my bedroom, I've drilled spyholes to catch these ninja like fuckers and obviously I haven't caught them because they aren't there in the first place, but try getting your mind to believe it when it seems so fucking real!
I've been through lots of this shit before which we have talked about, and a lot of it doesn't bother me, but I have been going crackers lately with some of it and I have even got a bit concerned which is not a common thing for me when it comes to abusing substances........

PM me if you need to, I may be able to help you work some of this out.....if anything you might feel better knowing that you're not the only one questioning their sanity.......

 

[lewis_bixby]

The human mind is complex -- in fact, it's probably the most complex thing on the planet and science will forever be discovering how it works and what it's ultimate purpose is (if there is one). That being said, I agree with the others that have recommended you stop taking part in illegal activities; clearly, losing your sanity over this is not worth it. No one is putting anything in your drinks. I repeat, no one is trying to poison or "drug" you. The cannabis is making you paranoid and it's messing with your memory. Believe me, you're not the first person to become paranoid while stoned or suffer from short-term memory problems while 'sober'. If you clean yourself up and find that you're still having the delusional/paranoid thoughts, you need to see a doctor. Your drug use and lifestyle might even be your way of self-medicating an actual mental illness.

 

[blahman8000]

When I was smoking weed heavily as a teenager, I began having these kinds of paranoid delusions, to the point where I'd think everyone I hung out with was planning to kill me. Especially when I was high, I'd feel paranoid as hell when I was around them, and I felt like they were all talking under their breath about me and glaring at me. I also would frequently think someone laced my weed or put something in my drink. It got really bad, to the point where I'd think that they were parked on my street overnight. There were also times I thought aliens would invade us all. I'd smoke pot all night and look up weird paranormal shit online, and got totally paranoid about all of it.

When I stopped smoking pot, these delusions went away completely. Now, years later, I can smoke once in a while without feeling bad effects, but then again, I don't smoke very much at all and when I do, I make sure it's high quality. Generally, though, the best thing you can do is not smoke at all, at least for quite a while. If things don't seem to get better, then you'll want to see a doctor. Weed paranoia can seem a lot like schizophrenia, but it might just boil down to an anxiety problem that gets amplified with pot.