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Am I being an asshole about this?

Lysis

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 13, 2008
Messages
31,644
Location
Ft. Lauderdale, FL
I know this is petty but I want bl's opinion on this because I'm really pissed right now and I don't know if I just need to calm down. I really have a thing for having you friend's/family's back and I feel like my sis has once again sold me out and I'm feeling like this is the last time I'm gonna let this shit happen with her. Basically this is one little instance that has built on others.

It's my sister's birthday. We went to a vineyard. Ok fun. So I get there and I get carded. Ok. She tells me it's expired and she can't let me participate. I had no idea. It's fucking 10 days expired and I'm in another state. 10 fucking days. So I have to walk out. My bf walks out with me. So I expected the others to walk out with me. They don't. They stay in there and enjoy themselves and my bf and I are stuck outside waiting. I'm getting pissed cuz I'm like seriously? You're gonna just stay there while I'm stuck outside sitting there like an asshole? She tells me it's the law and she can't do anything about it. I told her you could have walked out? And she says it was planned and we couldn't go anywhere else. I know sure as shit she would have been pissed if she were in my shoes. So now I'm thinking again she sold me out. Am I out of line for being pissed?
 
You are not out of line at all for being pissed. When hanging out with friends, I have run into similar situations with others (expired ID's are pretty common, and some clubs/bars make big deals out of them and some don't), and if one of us cannot participate we all walk out of there. You deserve more loyalty than that. Nobody deserves to have to stand outside in the rain/heat/cold alone because your friends/sisters are too fucking selfish to walk to the place next fucking door to not sell out on you.

You have more than every right to be pissed off about that bullshit. It's tough that it is your sister, but if it were a friend I wouldn't ever hang out with them again.
 
you are pissed. stop worrying about whether it's ok to be pissed or not.

why do you have to wait for them? in your position, i'd want them to go in and enjoy themselves - i'd go do something else fun with my partner.

alasdair
 
Well, I would have, if I had a car or it wasn't in the middle of nowhere. It's a vineyard. Not like I can walk next store. I probably wouldn't have been pissed if I could have just gone next door or did something. I'm pretty pissed, which is why I was here on an iphone to keep myself from saying something I would have regretted. I told her how I feel and she's now pissed at me, but whatever.

I know she would have been pissed if it was turned around, and I know I would have told the girl she's an ass and walked out with my friend/family had it been me. No doubt about it there.

The good news is I go home soon, so I'm not stuck here. The bad news is I think this is the last straw, and I don't think I'll be putting myself in this situation anymore. I really get standoffish and aloof with someone I feel does not really have my back even in stupid situations.

The fun part of all of this is my BF has already laid down $200 to go out tonight and now I'm wondering if I should go because of my license. Today wasn't too cold, but shit, if I get stuck outside of the bar/restaurant in the freezing damn cold tonight while they are warm inside with beer and food, I will flip my lid.

First world problems. They's a bitch. 10 days expired and the girl has to be a bitch about it.
 
she's just doing her job. admitting somebody with an expired license opens them up to possible legal consequences so, while it's annoying, it's a little harsh to call her a bitch.

is it possible you're a little upset at yourself for not taking care of the renewal and you're taking it out on others?

alasdair
 
I feel like, in this situation, everyone acted entirely opposite of what one might consider the courteous/appropriate thing to do.

If I had gone somewhere with my friends and one were not allowed to participate in whatever we had planned, well, I'd scrap those plans and come up with something else, some activity that we can all do together.

But if I had been the one not allowed to participate, I'd still want my friends to go on ahead and enjoy themselves without me because, hey, why screw it up for everyone else?
 
I feel like, in this situation, everyone acted entirely opposite of what one might consider the courteous/appropriate thing to do.

If I had gone somewhere with my friends and one were not allowed to participate in whatever we had planned, well, I'd scrap those plans and come up with something else, some activity that we can all do together.

But if I had been the one not allowed to participate, I'd still want my friends to go on ahead and enjoy themselves without me because, hey, why screw it up for everyone else?

I would have felt like such an ass if I was sitting inside while other people were outside (my bf could have gone inside, I suppose). I don't think I would ever do that to someone. I just don't understand how you can leave someone sitting on a chair outside with no way of going anywhere while you sit inside enjoying yourself. There's plenty of other places to go where everyone can enjoy themselves (and I was carded yesterday, so I know it was just this snooty shithead) and you don't have to leave someone out. There's just no way I would do it.

You are not out of line at all for being pissed. When hanging out with friends, I have run into similar situations with others (expired ID's are pretty common, and some clubs/bars make big deals out of them and some don't), and if one of us cannot participate we all walk out of there. You deserve more loyalty than that. Nobody deserves to have to stand outside in the rain/heat/cold alone because your friends/sisters are too fucking selfish to walk to the place next fucking door to not sell out on you.

You have more than every right to be pissed off about that bullshit. It's tough that it is your sister, but if it were a friend I wouldn't ever hang out with them again.

Pretty much how I feel right now.
 
I know this is petty but I want bl's opinion on this because I'm really pissed right now and I don't know if I just need to calm down. I really have a thing for having you friend's/family's back and I feel like my sis has once again sold me out and I'm feeling like this is the last time I'm gonna let this shit happen with her. Basically this is one little instance that has built on others.

It's my sister's birthday. We went to a vineyard. Ok fun. So I get there and I get carded. Ok. She tells me it's expired and she can't let me participate. I had no idea. It's fucking 10 days expired and I'm in another state. 10 fucking days. So I have to walk out. My bf walks out with me. So I expected the others to walk out with me. They don't. They stay in there and enjoy themselves and my bf and I are stuck outside waiting. I'm getting pissed cuz I'm like seriously? You're gonna just stay there while I'm stuck outside sitting there like an asshole? She tells me it's the law and she can't do anything about it. I told her you could have walked out? And she says it was planned and we couldn't go anywhere else. I know sure as shit she would have been pissed if she were in my shoes. So now I'm thinking again she sold me out. Am I out of line for being pissed?

Well its kinda your sisters birthday.

Its a shame about your ID, but hey, its totally your fault. Why ruin her plans/night because of it.

You and your bf could have moved on to the next venue and caught up with everyone later. Or perhaps you could have made your way home and returned with a valid ID.
 
Frustrating situation for sure, but if it was something that was planned in advance specifically for her birthday, it doesn't seem fair for everyone to abandon the shindig just because you don't have valid i.d.

Definitely understand how, sometimes, a posse would leave the venue together if one of their party was not able to get in; but what if this was a show that everyone had bought presale tickets for? Would you seriously expect everyone else to leave, and waste their tickets just because one friend didn't have their current id? I certainly wouldn't want to skip out just in the name of solidarity.

Hey, just look at it this way: Its a compliment to get carded and not get allowed in to somewhere. You can joke about this story someday how you still look under the age of 21.
 
How many other people were with you besides your bf and sister?

Also did you even think to ask if you could borrow the car?
 
To answer questions:

1. There were no tickets. It's one of those places you just walk in and drink. Just like a restaurant. If it was a show or something with pre-paid anything, no, that would have been different. This is why I'm considering not going out tonight, which sucks, because she'll be pissed at me, but I really don't want this to happen when it's even colder outside and I'm stuck. Today wasn't bad outside, but I'm a wimp when it comes to cold, and it would suck ass tonight. She is gonna flip out on me when I say I'm not going, because of this, but oh well. I'd rather be home anyway at this point TBH.

2. There were 5 people including me.

3. I'm in another state, so I don't know my way around. I probably could have borrowed the car, but they'd have to send someone out to find me, because I would have gotten lost for sure. lol

I dunno. I'm not as pissed as when I wrote this, but I think this is pretty much the last straw for me, and I usually cut people out when this happens. Thank you BL for the opinions/advice.
 
I have managed/bartended/served/hosted in restaurants for more than 15 years. Sorry sister, but I have no sympathy for your ID mishap. An expired ID = a non existent ID. You realize that this is our job, and we are not willing to get fired/pay thousands of dollars in fines/court fees/court dates/restaurant loses liquor license for 1-3 days or all together/getting sued (yes - when you, the customer, drives drunk and leaves an establishment, the servers and bartenders on duty can be held responsible for your decisions, even after you leave our bar, no matter what you did before or after you came here - total horseshit)......you get the point. Your expired ID is not worth a restaurant employee getting fired over so you can have a glass of wine or two. So that's that.

As for your friends, I think it's kinda lame that they wouldn't leave with you and go somewhere else. In the same breath, there were plans made for somebody's birthday, and perhaps that's the place that they wanted to go, and that's where they want to stay. Can you really blame them? I know the whole situation sucks, but when is all said and done - you really can't be mad at anyone but yourself :(
 
You had an iphone, you could have definitely found your way back :)

I would have only been able to be mad at myself over it. I wouldn't have expected everyone to change their plans because of me. I certainly wouldn't end a relationship with someone over it.
I guess I'm just a different breed though. One time 3 of us went to Brooklyn for a concert. One friend forgot his license and they wouldn't let him in. I gave him my keys and we met back up with him after the show. We didn't dilly dally after the show or anything so we probably left him for maybe 2 hours. Which in my opinion isn't that long to wait. I would have been able to find something to occupy my time, as I'm sure he did. He didn't stop to ask us to stay with him instead, nor did the thought cross my mind that I would turn away and leave the event I had planned for so long in advance. Maybe that's selfishness but I don't think so, the show must go on. I did regret that he didn't get to be part of it with us though.
Maybe you should have asked them if they wanted to maybe change the plans and find something else to do?
 
One of the times a friend of mine was not allowed in an establishment because of an expired ID was my 21st birthday. And I walked the fuck out and went somewhere else with him. It was my first intended place to hang out for the night, but I wasn't going to hang out there while one of my friends had to sit outside and wait on us. No fucking way. Even on my birthday.

Also, whenever somebody makes a big deal out of a slightly expired ID I assume that they do not want me in that establishment, and I never return. On the night of my 21st birthday, I went to about 6 other places to drink and none of them made a big deal about it. Young people at a vineyard hmm...... I wonder why they might profile you and give you shit about something as trivial as a 10 day expired ID. Even if they were required by law, the inspectors aren't up a vineyards ass. They just didn't want the young people there, and they were hoping that Lysis' group would act like a normal close group of friends and show a little bit of solidarity. Hey, it's those guys who are losing money, let them lose money by refusing customers.
 
^ LOL Might have something to do with my pink hair too. LOL! You know, I've been bitching that I need to make a statement and get profiled for being some kind of miscreant. I think I might have just gotten my first taste over the hair. lol I dyed it about a month ago and the only lame stuff I get are stares by men and some girls.

I would have done the same, and that's not even a question in my mind. It's the little things like that which is why the friends I do hang out with are loyal to the core and would never do that shit. It's also why I have like 2 best friends in the world and that's it. lol
 
It is okay to be angry but I don't think you can blame your sister for your expired ID which is the cause of this situation.
If I had planned a trip to a vineyard for my birthday and one of the attendees (family, best friend) could not participate due to an expired ID, I would still party on.

Why were you not aware of when it expired? What kind of ID? A driver's license? A passport? Both of which I would renew before expiry and knowing I was traveling out of state. How long did you have to wait for them?

Family or not, I rid of people who consistently do not make me feel good.

Just because there are things you would never do to others does not make it the rule for everyone.
 
My gut is to side with Lysis; for my part, I couldn't leave a friend (let alone a relative, though I have few enough of those) out in the cold somewhere at an event where their participation was expected, birthday be goddamned. Then again, it sounds like there's a lot more water under the bridge with you two other than a legal oversight; I think that only you know on some level what her damage is, and whether her response (and your reaction) was justified or not.

The impression I'm getting from these replies is that whether you should've gotten angry depends on what any given poster (myself included) would've done in that situation, which simply harkens back to what I wrote earlier.

In any event, I'm sorry that it happened. Sibling rivalry must be rough...
 
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One of the times a friend of mine was not allowed in an establishment because of an expired ID was my 21st birthday. And I walked the fuck out and went somewhere else with him. It was my first intended place to hang out for the night, but I wasn't going to hang out there while one of my friends had to sit outside and wait on us. No fucking way. Even on my birthday.

Also, whenever somebody makes a big deal out of a slightly expired ID I assume that they do not want me in that establishment, and I never return. On the night of my 21st birthday, I went to about 6 other places to drink and none of them made a big deal about it. Young people at a vineyard hmm...... I wonder why they might profile you and give you shit about something as trivial as a 10 day expired ID. Even if they were required by law, the inspectors aren't up a vineyards ass. They just didn't want the young people there, and they were hoping that Lysis' group would act like a normal close group of friends and show a little bit of solidarity. Hey, it's those guys who are losing money, let them lose money by refusing customers.

It's almost offensive how little respect people in general seem to have for restaurant industry jobs. People have NO FUCKING CLUE the ramifications of how you, the customer's actions, end up on us (industry folk.) There are things called DRAM SHOP laws. These laws suck. They are put in enforcement to basically defend drunks. Although I know this is not totally true, sometimes it is, and it's crap, but unfortunately, we (restaurant industry) have to abide by these laws or else we face serious consequences. Here's a few lovely examples:

A few years ago, I was bartending. A woman came in who showed little to no signs of intoxication, and she sat at the bar and ordered a beer. She was old looking, but I carded her anyways (our bouncer was absent that evening, and a little flattery for an older lady is generally well accepted.) She handed me her ID, and she was in her early 40's. Anyway, I serve her a 16 oz. beer and a shot of whiskey. She finishes, and is showing serious signs of intoxication. She got up to use the restroom and she was stumbling like a madman, and she came back and slurred out, "anotherrrrrr brrrrr and bummmmp..." and I said exactly by the book what I am supposed to say: "Ma'am, I don't feel comfortable serving you any more alcohol, would you like to have a soda or coffe and look at our food menu?" She got semi-irritated and had a water, and stumbled out.

Well, she proceeded to hop in her car, attempt to go to another bar but instead, she ran into a car of 16 year olds, head on - going the wrong way down the street. Turns out, before she came to me, she had popped multiple prescription drugs, some crack, some weed, and a shitload of beers and vodka. I found myself in a fucking shitstorm, because somehow she mumbled out the name of the restaurant she was at before she crashed - I had to go to court, miss multiple days of work, I almost got fired, paid fines - and the whole "innocent until proven guilty" well, that's a gigantic crock of dog shit. Even when nobody was convicted of anything, the local news drags the restaurant's name through the mud. Thank buddah, I had multiple witnesses who testified for me, or else I would have been up shit's creek without a paddle.

When I first started working in a restaurant, one day, we were insanely busy for lunch. Two guys came in and sat at the bar, asked for bloody marys, and the bartender was crazy busy, asked for their ID's, and served them their drinks. They informed my friend the bartender that he had failed a sting and needed to see the manager. The ID's were of legal drinking age, but the ID's were expired by 2 days each. The restaurant lost their liquor license for 2 days, my friend was fired, and had to pay a $3,000 fine, and fuck if he ever got hired anywhere in the cities, ha. Granted that was his fault, and super shitty really because we were so fucking busy, I could have easily done the same thing, but it shows how seriously it is taken by the law.

If somebody makes a "big deal" (haha, a big deal - funny - I don't make a big deal out of your expired ID, I just tell you that you can't drink alcohol. However, you're more than welcome to stay and have a soda...is that a big deal??) Anyway, they are being SMART. They are COVERING THEIR OWN ASS, because one night of drinking for you is not worth our JOB.

As for "inspectors" (what are inspectors? cops? food inspectors? I assume cops...) "aren't up a vineyard's ass..." well, that surely isn't true. My dad owns a vineyard in bumfuck northern usa, and you're damn right they're up his ass. They'll camp out a couple miles down the road and pop people leaving the winery just to be dickheads who obviously have nothing better to do. If you serve alcohol, you have to be avidly aware of the consequences of serving it to people. When a bar or establishment cards you and refuses you service for a TOTALLY VALID REASON (your expired ID, not old enough, etc) the customer is not being "PROFILED and TRIVIAL and not wanting young people there" as you call it (totally and completely laughable - I don't give a rat's fat ass how old you are, if you're 21 or 88, if you have 30 friends or you're by yourself, and nobody else does, as long as you're a decent tipping, not-a-total-jackass customer). And losing money???? HA - do you think I would have rather had that $2.00 that lady I mentioned above tipped me, or would I rather spend days in court and ridiculed and scrutinized....over her 2 drinks? I think not. Put us in place of your job. Let's say you work at a convenience store. Do you think I'm going to walk in and ask to buy $20 in lottery tickets, and they card me, because I look young, and I don't have my ID, or it's expired - do I have any right to be mad at them when they refuse to sell me the lottery tickets? FUCKING ABSOLUTELY NOT. IT'S THE LAW. Have a little more respect and sympathy for people who serve you.
 
Yep, there is. That's why I keep saying "last straw." Lots more stories, but this one was it, basically. I got some beers and wine and I'm watching Beavis and Butthead. This makes me happier than a noisy restaurant anyway. It's all good. Thank you, BL.
 
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