Am I an enabler?

[captaincaveman]

Hey peeps,

Been a while but I've got a problem (apologies for length). A while ago I let a friend move in with me as he was feeling pretty low after someone we both knew (he knew her better) killed herself. Didn't charge him any rent as he's a mate. Anyway, soon as he's in he quits his job. Fine, he's grieving, been there myself and you do need time to sort yourself out. He's also ex army and his wife left him after they lost their baby so he's been through the wars (literally) and always had a lot of time for the guy.

This guy loves speed, only drug he does and he does a lot of it. I said that maybe he should cut down on the speed. He just laughed at me. All my friends know the struggle I've had with drugs over the years but I'm winning. He's saying it's not as if he's doing heroin all the time like I did for a while and strangely he says it opens his mind. Well when I come home from work, this is what his opened mind has achieved, watching sci fi shows on his TV or he's out cold. One of the reasons he said he wanted to move in was to change career and do something that uses his brain (with my help). He's smart and does have genuine intellectual curiousity which I hoped to help focus into a change in career path. What has actually happened is that rather than pay London's outrageous rents, he justs parties for days.

I've had enough. I feel like I've been taken for a ride. I have a romanticised view of man (and woman) that we're all intrinisically good but sometimes drift off the path. I hope that's all that's happened, he saw an opportunity to save money and have a good laugh. It's not like I need the money anyway so what's the problem? In legal terms, misrepresentation but also waste of opportunity. If he said he wanted to take some time off and go on three day benders I might have been slightly reluctant but he's been through some awful shit (also an orphan, no family, so to achieve what he has goes against all the stats for kids brought up in care in the UK, probably the world)

I'm not going to throw him out, my girlfriend likes him as well but I've got to set some ground rules. Sounds odd but I don't really mind having speed in my house as never my DOC and I don't think he's a full blown addict but never really met speed freaks so who knows. Maybe I should just let him get on with it? But it's been three months and he's started asking about the best ways to kill yourself. He's got no family, he's ex-wife doesn't speak to him so he can do what he wants according to him. That's the subject that always gets me. I try and laugh it off by saying the worst ways like crucifying yourself (can't get last nail in) but I can't deal with this at the moment and no way he'd get sectioned, he's too smart.

What would be good is if there is anyone with armed forces experience as this is one subject he never, ever talks about. I know a few bits about Afghanistan when he's off his head on K, but any attempt to follow up is shot down completely.

Right that's it. Been building for a while, maybe this isn't really the right forum but drug use is spiralling hence TDS.

CC

 

[neversickanymore]

I say kick the freeloader out on his goddamn ass and laugh at him when he tries to use pitty to sway you. is he paying rent.. cause if he isn't paying rent then he is using you like you dont even want to read about.. and I don't know how happy I would be that my lady fancies him. tell him to buck up and contribute or go live in a van down by the river cause your most likely getting worked.


possible triggers
[video]http://www.hulu.com/watch/4183[/video]

 

[mrflowers00]

you gotta kick him to the curb you are enabling him in every way imaginable just short of buying his drugs unless you also do that in which case he is leaching you for everything your worth

 

[Ubi]

Good of you to try helping your mate but it does sound like a certain ride is being taken. I think you need to protect your home, your girlfriend and yourself right now. You may not be too uncomfortable with having hard drugs in your home but how does your girl feel about it? Is it really worth the risk? Because there is a risk here. Has she ever done any of the stuff with your mate?

You know, it's gallant of you to try helping your friend and you can continue helping him he doesn't have to be in your home for this.
Perhaps in some way, you are enabling him because he has a home with you, doesn't pay allot of rent and this allows him extra dosh for drugs. Well yahoo right?!! Doesn't sound like it will be easy giving him the ol boot and of course you'll have to approach this gingerly. He does have trauma going on from his military stint and this is very sad indeed but you have a Family (you and your lady) and this comes first.
If he is a true friend he will understand that he HAS overstepped a little here. He has. and he must know this.

Remember, a good friend wouldn't subject you and the one you love to what he's going through.(major usage)
I can understand if he has been actively seeking and receiving counselling or help but it doesn't sound like he has.

He's in it now . Don't let him bring you and her down too. Be his friend, tough love and protect your home.

 

[T. Calderone]

I agree that you do need to set some ground rules. It doesn't matter what drugs he takes, he shouldn't be using any drugs in your home. The fact that it's not your drug of choice is irrelevant, I feel that what he's doing is disrespectful because you've been abstaining. Like Ubi said, he is putting you at risk by simply having illegal drugs in your home.

It's not too fair that he gets to stay home watching tv all day, getting high and not paying rent while you have to work. I think this guy has manipulated you and your girlfriend and he's getting too comfortable. Maybe you two could find a way to gently encourage this guy to start moving on with his life. I would say in a way you are enabling him, but you had no way of knowing he would abruptly quit his job. He should be getting over his "grieving" by now and be seeking employment. If he doesn't, it's only going to further strain your friendship.

 

[captaincaveman]

Thanks. Basically what my best friend and his wife said to me anyway. Fact is I've done what I can do and I've got enough on my plate without having to worry about this as well. Gave him two weeks as there have been a couple of incidents as well (found out he's dealing so that's where the extra cash came from!) Sad though, in the UK the army doesn't recognize PTSD, you just get thrown out. But I'll miss how clean my house was during his stay!

 

[blue1995]

IMO, If you feel you've reached your limit, he gots to go. It's your life and it's up to you, not him, when his time is up. My ex is a speed freak and manipulates everyone. Either they are for dope, an orgasm, a couch, a shower... everyone is an object, a means to an end for him. Sure the convo can be stimulating and fun at times but hey, if you're uncomfortable, sorry he didn't use his time more wisely. He may have troubles but don't we all. It's called being a man. Good on you for setting limits and getting him out of there to learn his own lessons and clean up his own shit.

 

[Lolie]

Thanks. Basically what my best friend and his wife said to me anyway. Fact is I've done what I can do and I've got enough on my plate without having to worry about this as well. Gave him two weeks as there have been a couple of incidents as well (found out he's dealing so that's where the extra cash came from!) Sad though, in the UK the army doesn't recognize PTSD, you just get thrown out. But I'll miss how clean my house was during his stay!

It took me 20 seconds to find UK organisations which offer assistance to military personnel suffering from PTSD.

http://www.ptsdresolution.org/

http://www.combatstress.org.uk/

There's help available if your friend wants it.

 

[captaincaveman]

Hi lolie I'm aware that there are organisations to help the military with ptsd but it isn't recognised by the military as a condition. You get a dishonorable discharge if you leave because of it. Those organisations aren't mod there private. When I was in the priory there was a guy in there on suicide watch. He worked in bomb disposal and saw his best mate blown to pieces. The mod wanted him fixed and sent back to Iraq. Weirdly i was the only one he spoke to because he saw me training and was a fitness nut. The US recognise the condition and in the UK more soldiers have died by their own hand than in combat (good panorama about it). Worried about my mate but he'd be better off working and laying off the drugs. Don't mind him not paying rent just don't want to aid his descent. That's the real problem. I reckon a dose of mdma might help but he only does speed and huge amounts