sounds exactly like most cases, i think your at the precipice of the cliff and have to make a tough decision. Say, like if you had 1000 dollars, you really needed, gambled it, won 2000, then went all the way back down to say, 200 dollars. you need a thousand, you can take the risk but you could end up with nothing. or you could walk away with 200 dollars, have enough to eat and live till next week. 2 hundred is better than nothing but either way youll feel like crap? does this make sense?
Think of the money as kind of control and pleasure. once you lose all your money, your addicted. because one way or another you develop behaviours to get you thru. and if that is taking more opiates or drugs, then you experience the crazy thrill of going from -10 to + 10 in one go, a + 20 experience, which is the euphoria we addicts chase.(-10 being throwing up every 30 secs, in and out of the shower wanting to die, hot and cold sweats, only warm showers bring some relief. +10 being the peak of your full dose you use hittng you at once.) on a daily basis i think you might go down to a +3 or +4 baseline, but either way your still pretty opiated and comfortable from them to shield you from to much painphysical and otherwise. when you redose a full 40mg, you go up to +9 or 10, but thats only a net gain of +6. If you decide to keep going, what seems to happen is you run out of your scripts quicker and quicker, dosing when you fall down to say, only a +6 or +7. Am i still making sense? your returns now, ev en though your using more, only give you a +3 or +4 experience. But heres the kicker. You run out. you start feeling REALLY bad. Your at -8 or 9, have been in agony for days, and partly saying to yourself "ive had enough! im going to stop" which is good if you do. but if you pick up again, you feel you deserve an extra big dose for all the pain and anguish youve gone thru. The dose goes up again. you wonder what all the fuss was about as you feel normal again.
its really hard when youve got chronic pain that always gives you a reason or a need to take them anyway. Maybe get some trusted friend or friends in on the situation. be accountable to them. If you feel you cant do this, you cant be truthful to them and would rather isolatwe and do it on your own, then i think you have the start of a problem. If you can be accountable and truthful, there is always hope