Hello there everyone,
Sorry if the title might scare you a bit, I hope I can find somebody to help me here. I already posted very detailed topics about my problem on other forums but I try to get as much knownledge and support as I can get.
First off, excuse me for my English, it's not my mother language so there might be some mistakes in my grammar and spelling.
I've read the rules of the website and I saw that you can't post any 'disturbing content', so also no personal experiences. I understand this as there are a lot of people who are trying to heal here and they obviously do not benefit from reading horror stories.
So I'll try to keep it simple.
Yet I still want to warn you, I did some really horrible things and you might be still offended. If that's the case, my appologies again. I know that some things in my history are truly monstreous.
I have almost all the traits of a psychopath/sociopath/apd.
Yet I am terrified, anxious, worried and in pain by knowing this, something that should be prove that I am NOT one. I cannot place the anxiety and pain that I am feeling but I certainly know that I do NOT like the idea of being psycho/socio/apd. Whenever I try to think about the things I've done (in an effort to feel guilty about it), I start being anxious, even suicidal.
To sum it up
From a very young age I have been a manipulator and a liar. It seems strange but I only became aware of this the past year (I am 19 years old and a girl btw.). I matured really early, had an unusual interest for sex, was cruel and sadistic towards animals and had anger outbursts.
I lied and lied and lied, crossed many boundaries with that one.
I came from an abusive household with a psychopathic father and a very depressed mother who blames everybody else for the problems with my dad, including me.
There have been fights even when I wasn't born yet. I've been mentally and sexually abused.
I never had problems with the law and nobody ever accused me from being anti-social, actually, most people would describe me as very intelligent and very emotional. And before my realisation of my own bad behaviour, I would say they were right.
Because here is the confusing thing.
I can feel empathy,
I can't kill something, I will even do a stunt on my bike to not hurt a caterpillar on the pavement.
When somebody is hurt or in pain I feel a very strong urge to help.
I never bullied someone, I think it's wrong and I have a very high sense of justice.
I LOVED my animals, was worried sick when they had ran away or were hurt and cried for days if they died.
I LOVED my grandparents, he passed away 3 months ago and it was traumatising.
Even tho my sadistic sexual interests, I have no plan of acting them out in real life. I actually waited with sex untill I was 19 because I believed that sex wasn't something for kids/teenagers. I felt I had to find the right person and not just flirt around.
I can't even call my mother a ****.. Yet I lie behind her back all the time. But I can't seem to be nasty towards her. Well at least not face-to-face because I'm obviously hurting her.
Now I try to controll my impulses. I almost completely stopped lying but it's hard because I seem to have no own personality or sense of self, only masks.
I completely stopped hurting animals, a while ago. I can feel guilt about it yet I still feel the impulse sometimes. My anger outbursts are also gone. Well not gone but I stop them in their tracks, whenever I feel frustration coming up, I just force myself to stop and be nice to my dog. I counteract it by being extra nice, patting her or giving her a treat. (The dog seems to be training me here)
I really try to stop but the impulses are all over the place. I have to monitor myself 24/7.
I sought therapy, nobody said I had to go or forced me. It was all my own realisation and self-awareness.
But yet I would like to hear some opinions on this or somebody I can talk with private about my issues (since I can't post the details here). Because even tho therapy is great, it's only one hour a week and I feel like it isn't enough. I want to help myself and figure myself out but I need help with somebody who can correct me since my mind is such a mess and I'm dellusioned. I keep finding out new things about myself everyday and it leaves me scared, confused and suicidal.
It sometimes feels like I am an awoken sociopath (yes I know rationally that there probably isn't such a thing, a sociopath wouldn't care if he knew anyway)
Like, in my past I also used to have suicidal tendencies. But only to make myself the center of attention. "I am going to kill myself and you'll be sorry". It were just fantasies and I never really ment it. But now I am actually suicdal for real, because I feel like I am so messed up and beyond all help, the only way out seems to end it all.
I get it if you are disturbed by me, heck I am disturbed by myself.. But if somebody would want to give her or his opinion and spend some time trying to help me figuring this out.. That would be great.
Thanks for reading
Wiek
Sorry if the title might scare you a bit, I hope I can find somebody to help me here. I already posted very detailed topics about my problem on other forums but I try to get as much knownledge and support as I can get.
First off, excuse me for my English, it's not my mother language so there might be some mistakes in my grammar and spelling.
I've read the rules of the website and I saw that you can't post any 'disturbing content', so also no personal experiences. I understand this as there are a lot of people who are trying to heal here and they obviously do not benefit from reading horror stories.
So I'll try to keep it simple.
Yet I still want to warn you, I did some really horrible things and you might be still offended. If that's the case, my appologies again. I know that some things in my history are truly monstreous.
I have almost all the traits of a psychopath/sociopath/apd.
Yet I am terrified, anxious, worried and in pain by knowing this, something that should be prove that I am NOT one. I cannot place the anxiety and pain that I am feeling but I certainly know that I do NOT like the idea of being psycho/socio/apd. Whenever I try to think about the things I've done (in an effort to feel guilty about it), I start being anxious, even suicidal.
To sum it up
From a very young age I have been a manipulator and a liar. It seems strange but I only became aware of this the past year (I am 19 years old and a girl btw.). I matured really early, had an unusual interest for sex, was cruel and sadistic towards animals and had anger outbursts.
I lied and lied and lied, crossed many boundaries with that one.
I came from an abusive household with a psychopathic father and a very depressed mother who blames everybody else for the problems with my dad, including me.
There have been fights even when I wasn't born yet. I've been mentally and sexually abused.
I never had problems with the law and nobody ever accused me from being anti-social, actually, most people would describe me as very intelligent and very emotional. And before my realisation of my own bad behaviour, I would say they were right.
Because here is the confusing thing.
I can feel empathy,
I can't kill something, I will even do a stunt on my bike to not hurt a caterpillar on the pavement.
When somebody is hurt or in pain I feel a very strong urge to help.
I never bullied someone, I think it's wrong and I have a very high sense of justice.
I LOVED my animals, was worried sick when they had ran away or were hurt and cried for days if they died.
I LOVED my grandparents, he passed away 3 months ago and it was traumatising.
Even tho my sadistic sexual interests, I have no plan of acting them out in real life. I actually waited with sex untill I was 19 because I believed that sex wasn't something for kids/teenagers. I felt I had to find the right person and not just flirt around.
I can't even call my mother a ****.. Yet I lie behind her back all the time. But I can't seem to be nasty towards her. Well at least not face-to-face because I'm obviously hurting her.
Now I try to controll my impulses. I almost completely stopped lying but it's hard because I seem to have no own personality or sense of self, only masks.
I completely stopped hurting animals, a while ago. I can feel guilt about it yet I still feel the impulse sometimes. My anger outbursts are also gone. Well not gone but I stop them in their tracks, whenever I feel frustration coming up, I just force myself to stop and be nice to my dog. I counteract it by being extra nice, patting her or giving her a treat. (The dog seems to be training me here)
I really try to stop but the impulses are all over the place. I have to monitor myself 24/7.
I sought therapy, nobody said I had to go or forced me. It was all my own realisation and self-awareness.
But yet I would like to hear some opinions on this or somebody I can talk with private about my issues (since I can't post the details here). Because even tho therapy is great, it's only one hour a week and I feel like it isn't enough. I want to help myself and figure myself out but I need help with somebody who can correct me since my mind is such a mess and I'm dellusioned. I keep finding out new things about myself everyday and it leaves me scared, confused and suicidal.
It sometimes feels like I am an awoken sociopath (yes I know rationally that there probably isn't such a thing, a sociopath wouldn't care if he knew anyway)
Like, in my past I also used to have suicidal tendencies. But only to make myself the center of attention. "I am going to kill myself and you'll be sorry". It were just fantasies and I never really ment it. But now I am actually suicdal for real, because I feel like I am so messed up and beyond all help, the only way out seems to end it all.
I get it if you are disturbed by me, heck I am disturbed by myself.. But if somebody would want to give her or his opinion and spend some time trying to help me figuring this out.. That would be great.
Thanks for reading
Wiek
